My Future @ MindSay 
future
Smart. Privileged. Future doctor. Future lawyer. Future somebody.
It would be accurate, but it would also be incomplete. It wouldn't include:
Confused. Indecisive. Lacks confidence. Cynical. Spiteful.
I'm going to be a Navy SEAL. No questions asked, that's what I'm doing. I'm gonna make it or die trying.
The weird thing is that the same kid who wants to go through the toughest mental and physical training in the world so he can more effectively and efficiently kill people has an incredibly artistic side that wants to play music and take photos and do something beautiful.
This is the same kid who doesn't take notes, reads magazines, and sleeps all hour but still gets near-perfect scores on tests.
The same kid who could use a little potential-guiding light. I can do anything, I just need to know where to go and how to put myself to use.
Okay, so I was fooling myself. The "extra complication" of a relationship would be a burden that I'd carry with great pride and joy. The only cause of lasting regrets, sadness, and general bad mojo in my life right now is the lack of a woman with whom I can share myself and my life, what little of it there is to go around. I've got the longing for a partner, and it's a damned strong desire, strong enough to distract me during the day with errant considerations of my long-term future, and marvelous fantasies on the subject. <3
Which brings me to another point. There are plenty of dating resources available to me, but I'm just too focused on one woman. I'd almost call it a fixation, really, seeing as how I'm not digging through Adult Friend Finder or some shit like that to get myself a woman because I want to be with her. It's a rather bizarre bit of personal reflection to think that I've desired this woman virtually nonstop for almost two and a half years, now. I hate to say it, but that really makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. To be with this woman is without a doubt my #1 medium/long-term goal, surpassing financial success and spiritual/religious fulfillment by wide margins, and I'm not really sure if I should celebrate that fact or be wary of it. I want the former, but who knows? It feels like I'm right on the verge of making my life something to be proud of, having a home and a steady job that provides enough to be comfortable, and having the love of a beautiful woman who makes me happier than I ever imagined I could be. The wrench in those works is that I don't know what she's going to do...I wouldn't call her mercurial, but her romantic situation rarely seems steady nor straightforward. Sometimes I have a great deal of trouble understanding why she feels and does things in her way. I know I've pissed her off at least a few times with my questioning, but if I can't understand something, I ask about it. It's the way I work through problems.
Bah, I'm not going on a rant. I gotta get ready for my extra cover hours tonight. A ten hour shift, bringing this week's total up to around 45-46. Next week's going to be 46 minimum, probably closer to the 48-50 range. Cash mizzoney, bitches.
I find myself again, craning my neck and straining my eyes to perceive what is comming, what is in store for me as I round the next bend in the path of my life.
Cheesy analogy, I know, but bear with me.
It's funny, how childhood dreams, ambitions, and promises that I have made to myself have seemed to come true, if not in the way that I have expected. The whole LU presentation yesterday really got me thinking about the future (again), and being the person that I am, I can't consider the future without first reflecting upon my previous perceptions of it. You see, through my lifetime, I had about three major phases of career goals (not counting the week of ballerina-dreams, or the fortnight marine-biology ambition). When I was really small, well I guess until about grade five, I had in mind for myself a simple career, albeit repetitive and low paying. but then, in those days i didn't consider how tedious tasks that I found fun would become, or how little choice there was, and how very little pay there would be for me. From that, I blossomed to another dream, that I would become an ambassador for Canada. (Of course I overlooked my tendency towards homebody-hood,, and need for famlial ties, as well as the necessity for patience and pleasantry, as well as the diguisal of all emotion. Not to mention the excessive amounts of political butt to be kissed. Tenderly and repeatedly.) Well, I guess that childhood dream will be realized next year, to a point, with the student exchange, though that's not quite the manner I expected it fulfilled at the time. As for my goal since about grade nine, well psychiatry is the path for me, but we have yet to see how that shall work out (let's roll the dice to get into med school. 2 200 applicatns for 25 spots. Yeah, shall be interesting, I'm clever but not that clever).
Anyways, several other childhood resolutions have also been adhered to, some in ways ironically unwanted at the time, but I won't bother to bother you with that. The future scares me. I thought I'd leave you with that thought, because it's honest. I know that it can be taken in many contexts, but the unknown has always unnerved me. This doesn't strike me as odd--"going with the flow" would seem to me the much more . . . bizarre, abnormal and dangerous approach. But then, it is only in facing one's fears that one it truly brave (who said that, or something similar? Why do I pick up all of these quotes, but never the speakers?) Anyways, I'll attempt to prepare myself for this future to the best of my ability, and face it. Im afraid of it, I won't be taken to our encounter kicking and screaming.
From my recent fall in future outlook, I have just been launched into a new busy day of future and current prospects.
Today;
- 7:00PM Merici Formal
- 12:00AM Merici Private After-party
Tomorrow;
- 10:30AM Wizard Contractors interview and typing test etc. (very promising for full time contract work)
- 3:00PM Interview at AIE (Academy of interactive Entertainment), ideal future career.
- 6:00PM Work at Italo-Australia Club at the Resturant Bar
It's already 2pm now, and I'm yet to organise other stuff that I agreed to do a few days ago. oops.
-- Lory
*sigh*
I may have to start out writing little blurbs which are less complicated in nature and thereby less representative of my true genius, uh, right. Maybe a good one would be a future blurb, um, "US PLACES 39TH IN WORLD SPELLING BEE." What-da-ya all think?
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