Musings @ MindSay

Sometimes I wonder if my friends really truly like me and are my friend, or if they're just blowing smoke up my ass because they're too nice to tell me how they really feel.  I've been backstabbed, betrayed and just plain treated shitty by people that SAID were my friends.  But friends don't do that to each other.  Friends are there to help each other, to talk about things that are wrong and to hang out and have fun.   Right? Or is my idea of what a friend is skewed? Or am I just a nice person that sees the good in everyone, even when I'm being walked on like a doormat? I have online friends even that sometimes stop talking to me.  I understand that sometimes life gets a little rough, but I can't help but think that maybe I've said something wrong, or that I've let a little too much of myself slip, that they think I'm nuts or something and don't wanna talk to me anymore.  I just can't help it.  I've been burned way too often, and by someone I thought was my best friend.

I wrote a poem the other day during class because I was feeling upset, and this is what came out. It was written without much thought and is rather hackneyed together, but considering I don't usually write anything but short stories, I liked how this venture turned out. Go ahead and let me know what you think.

"People Are Ignorant"

People are ignorant
and in that respect,
every one of us is blind

People are ignorant,
and it's that respect,
that severs the ties that bind

People are ignorant
and if you inspect,
I'm sure that deep down you'll find

Everyone in your life,
who seemed to forget,
was ignorant the whole time.

"Love is the delusion that one woman is different from another"
- H. L. Mencken 

Sometimes one must lose one's self to find your own worth.  Sometimes the inevitable passing away of all things brings sadness.  Other times it brings appreciation.  Sometimes getting through a moment requires looking to the future and remembering the past.Sometimes seizing the moment means letting go of the future and the past.  Sometimes a person who wrongs those who care seems to forget love.  Sometimes those who care wrong those who love by forgetting them. 

Shadowed hearts can be a cold dwelling, but in an empty heart one can see an opportunity.  The heart abhors a vacuum.  Solace found outside the ego is fleeting, arbitrary and uncertain.  Solace can only be found in the sanctuary of each particular moment, perceived appropriately.  If one can maintain such perception in consecutive moments, then a feeling may be found that can be called comfort. 

The acceptance of the impermanence of our world may not lead to despair, but rather may lead to intensity of character and drive to pursue the path of greater happiness and help dull the pain of broken futures with the anesthesia of inevitability.

I am karmic roadkill.  The vultures peck at the flesh of my self, greedily fighting over the carcass in warm air filled not with the smell of death, but definitely the absence of life.  Forcing an inner eye to look upon the victim, one can be changed.  Revulsion may be replaced with awe upon seeing not the uneaten dead, but a structure, skeletal and stark, gleaming white, and representing the base of being before hidden under layers of ragged flesh. The atoms of its structure vibrate and shift constantly despite the apparent lifelessness of the scene.  Each atom- forged in the heart of a star in earlier generations of stars when time was new and oneness was the norm- serving as a tiny reminder of the importance of one's own insignificance.
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• Back in the late 90's I was totally addicted to an online game called ACROPHOBIA.  Does anyone remember that game?  It was on www.berzerk.com and then it went away.  I found it again about two and a half years ago on www.uproar.com and now it's gone.  *Sigh* I really miss that game!

 

• I feel sooooo pretty.  I ordered a pink satiny kimono / robe from AVON. I look great in it if I do say so myself.  The only thing I'm missing is candlelight and some cheap Arbor Mist wine.  I'm thinking passion fruit would be the flavor of the night.

 

• My funk is lifting, but now I find that my patience is running thin.  I'm trying really hard not to bite anyone's head off, but some of the bull that has been going this week at home and on Mindsay is really getting on my nerves. Have you ever had one of  those days when you had to hold back tears of frustration because you couldn't just punch a muthafucka in the throat?  Also, I think the internet is to some people what the yellow sun is to Superman. I know that was a nerdy analogy, but hey, I'm kind of a nerd myself.

 

• I went to another sneak preview with torridgirl and environgirl tonight. It was a sneak preview of the movie Stardust.  It was a pretty good movie.  Robert Di Niro was hysterical as a gay pirate. 

I'm feeling deflated now. I say that as though I was at one time filled with air, floating merrily amongst the clouds. Uh, I swear I just heard a wolf howl. I know for a fact that Australia is what I'd call a "wolf-free" country. That's what I get for living in Canberra.

She seems to be going through times no easier than she was as the beginning of the relationship. That is to say she has gotten worse. I'm wondering what she'll do to herself next. It worries me. I don't feel as though this is something under my control, nor would I wish it were so. I only want to be with her. I don't want to be for her. She needs herself, and only herself. What happens next though? How does she heal from the wounds she bears already? I've suggested that she talk to someone. Someone who has an education. Someone other than me. I only finished college, which some of you call high school. Besides, I'm biased.
I don't want this again. I just want them to look after themselves. I gess the first two did. They ditched me. Ha. That's a depressing, although curiously eye opening, thought.

I'd like to talk to my exs. Old friends. Old enemies, sometimes. It's sad, but I don't know how. I don't even know their numbers, some of them. What do I do then? I know there are phone books. I know where some of them live. Is that enough? Maybe. I'll have to remember tomorrow.
There was something important that I remembered this morning but can't recall. Very important. I'm a mess. What was it?

The thing that dominates my mind right now is how she is going to react when she reads this. I bet she doesn't talk to me for hours and when I finally call her she acts as though nothing is wrong, or tries to hide it and doesn't tell me most of the problem. I can only think of how much time that will take, and the way she does it every time something goes wrong. Does anyone have any hints? How do I deal with this, I wonder.

I've grown so much since my first girlfriend. It's strange thinking of things that I used to do. Things I've grown out of, or ways that I've changed mentally. My perception of my surroundings has changed dramatically. I don't feel like a kid anymore. I just feel like someone who has yet to find where they belong. I wonder when that'll happen. It doesn't matter yet. It will happen.

Just another post on the all-mighty Internet. Let's see how it does.

"But if you really want to live/Why not try and Make Yourself"

I wonder, if she breaks will she heal the right way? I wonder if there will be cracks in the pottery. Beauty in imperfection seems to be a common theme these days. Will it suit her?

-Mitch