Moving On @ MindSay

“Its 4:15am” you started

I remember

And I accidentally saw part of it

As I went through and soul purged

Cleaning out the closet

Of haunted and broken memories

That was the inbox of my myspace

 

It’s ok

Laugh

What a high school thing to say

The drama of my myspace

The remnants of people who are no longer real

 

As I covered the screen with a box of highlighters

Because I didn’t want to see

Didn’t want to remember

And then I saw that subject line

Out of the corner of my eye

 

“Its 4:15am”…

 

You were my boyfriend then

Lovers until the end

Or at least friends

We were fucking idiots back then

 

Saying that you’d just gotten home from giving me a ride to my place

You just wanted to send this message through myspace

To say that even though you couldn’t say it

You wanted me to know you felt it

 

Love

 

Every single message

From him,

From her,

From that boy I used to fuck

The one that had me awestruck

What luck

A hot boy that fucked so good that I was left dumbstruck

Heartstruck

His lies ran my life amuck

Oh fuck!

 

Love

 

As I scrolled to the page’s end

To click the “delete checked” button

And all of the messages were checked

I could swear I saw a corner of your picture

Could swear that message was from last summer

 

When you cared

When you worried

When you wanted nothing but to be good to me

 

Still hurts cuz I just can’t comprehend

Your lies of desires to amend

And befriend me

Still

 

After love

 

One more reminder of him and her and you

Gone

And “I feel ali-i-i-ive

And the world, I'll turn it inside out yeah
I'm floating around in ecstasy”

got rid of many bothersome pictures and bothersome messages. made myself feel worse for a bit instead of better in the process. bad couple of days but will be fine soon. just be patient with me. new pics of puma on myspace. finally got a big scratching post for him, abby and i carried it here. it was fun. he is happy.

feeling alone, very alone, but i'll get over it soon enough. i'm happier this way. if you're alone, no one else can get in, hurt you. only you can.

....Moving on. !!!!

 

Oh boy is it hard!!! Not a day went by without me thinkin bout him, his last words rang in my head when he told me it was over and it still brings tears to my eyes!!

 

Although i knew it was over, becasue he didnt have the heart to leave his family as they wouldnt accept me!! I rang him askin him why with alot of anger!! Why did u play me? Why did u change me (coverting)? Why did i waste 4 years with him!! Why did he not think bout this!!! We talked bout this, argued bout this and why has he lied to me he couldnt live without me and have the heart to dump me and break my heart!!!

 

Everything was why why why why why why!!

 

I was so down, and i am still bloody depressed!! I went so low in my life, i text him that i will do whatever it take to make it work, i said can we not try, i told him i was willing to wait, didnt matter how many years it took. But each time i was let down, told to go away, move on, theres no hope!! It really felts that he stole my heart, patted it squezzed it, drained it and stamped all over it that it was left into millions of pies!! And now i'm left to pick myself up!!!

 

Its been a month, and i told him thats it - why im i such a fool for begging him when its clear he doesnt want me, why im i so stupid to make myself go so low!! i'm better than this!! So i got myself together, woke up 5am in the morning when i had only just shut my eye, went to work for 10hours, came home to a tired exhausted person who could finally get a good night sleep without draining her pillow. That didnt work for too long cuase the weekend came and i had nothing to keep myself busy!! i had been with my ex bf for so long that i've lost contact with friends and i feel like im on my todd!!

 

throughout this month, i text him rang him, and i bite my tongue and tell myself not to, so i wrote emails and then saved them in drafts and then deleted them. It felt abit better getting all the hurt and anger out of me!! i really wanted him to feel really sh8t for hurtin me, i really wanted him to feel bad for every pain he cost me!! but in the end, i thought no!! i'm better than this. Tonight, i put everything together, what he bought me, including a plantinum diamond ring!! I thought to myself - im going to drive to his house and throw them at his doorstep, and when i got in my car, i told myself why im i gettin so angry!! i realised i was gettin so angry cause he didnt care - and it hurts so bad to know that!! i opened every card he wrote for me each card with an essay written in as i loved stories!! Cards meant more than gifts to me!! Tears strolled down, and i ripped each one uncontolably with tears bursting out!! I finally put everything in the wheeley bin and decided it wasnt even worth donating to charity!!!

 

Valentines is coming up this saturday, lets wait and see wot a state i am and if im off my edge in lossing the plot!! But so far i feel much better for getting this off my chest!!

tim'm west (look him up if you don't know who he is) has inspired me, for the time being, to write poetry again. I wrote six last weekend and two today. for someone that like never writes, that's a lot. in reading Red Dirt Revivial, i feel like i've learned what real poetry is. Also, i deleted every message i had in my inbox on myspace. i wrote a poem about that, too, but i'm not going to post it today. it made me feel really free at first- every message from cyn, albert, and raver jimmy, all gone at last. even the good ones. the good memories became bad long, long ago. i covered up the pictures so i couldn't see what was from who as i went threw each page and checked and deleted all. things aren't as bad as they were in the beginning of the semester in relation to that crap, but that's also not the only aspect of my life. its hard to say or get into what all has been going on or what is wrong with me now.

and no, given recent events the boy u probably think i'm talking about isn't the only one this song is making me think of, at least for one verse...i failed to mentioned that raver jimmy added me as a friend of facebook a few weeks ago? don't get me wrong, i know that normally it would be no bfd, but considering how things were the last time we spoke n the fact that he deleted me off of everything, either it was a mistake or its something else...?

"So you don't want to hear about my good song?
You don't want to hear about how I am getting on
With all the things that I can get done
The sun is in the sky & I am by my lonesome

So you don't want to hear about my good day?
You have better things to do than to hear me say

God its been a lovely day!

Everything is going my way
  I took out the trash today and I'm on fire...

So you don't want to hear about my good friends?
You don't have the guts to take the truth or consequence
Success is in the eye of the beholder
And its looking even better over your cold shoulder

I'm not suggesting you get to line me up for questioning
But Jesus think about the bridges you are burning
And i'm betting
That even though you knew it from the start
You'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart

So go ahead and talk about your bad day
  I want all the details of the pain and misery
That you are inflicting on the others
  I consider them my sisters and i want their numbers

God its been a lovely day!

Everything's going my way
  I took up croquet today and i'm on fire

I picked up the pieces of my broken ego
  I have finally made my peace as far as you and me go
But I'd love to have you up to see the place
I'd like to do more than survive I'd like to rub it in your face

Hey its been a lovely day!

Everything's been going my way
  I had so much fun today and i'm on fire

God it's been a lovely day

Everything's been going my way
Ever since you went away and I'm on fire
I'm on fire
I'm on fire

I'm on...

I'm on fire

I'm on fire

I'm on fire

I'm on...

So you dont want to hear about my good day?"

Dresden Dolls- "Good Day"

funny, i saw Emily today while I was on my way to the laundremat. totally forgot i still had her cd until this came on my ipod. oh n as my bro has put it, i've been cheating on "Scrubs" with "House, M.D." i like "Scrubs" more.