Moving Forward @ MindSay

I can't believe how quickly I can still go from doing so well to suddenly feeling awful.  I went to Denver and had a great time.  I came back and I've been busy, hanging out with friends, doing this, doing that, having fun.  I even had to deal with seeing her A LOT at work yesterday and the day before, and still I was doing great.  Suddenly today, I just feel like I'm going to lose it, I feel sick to my stomach again - a feeling I haven't had this strongly in at least a month. 

 

I'm at such a strange place.  I miss her so much, but I know at the same time that I couldn't ever take her back, even though I'd probably try if the opportunity presented itself.  That's what marriage is to me.  I made the commitment, and until the divorce is final, I would still try.  And through all this, I find myself paying attention to other women in a way I haven't in quite some time.  I feel encouraged that I'm able to do this, but at the same time, it makes me sick because the fact is, I'm still legally married.  I almost feel torn inside.  Part of me is moving forward the way I need to, but the other part is still so jumbled. 

 

Thank God a busy (hopefully fun-filled) weekend is on the way.

WOW......no let me say it again WOW!

I can't recall every moment I cried over a specific friendship and love lost but I remember crying about it just the same. I remember asking people to pray for my sanity and well being. I remember sitting in the very darkest corner of my closet wondering why I was going through this voyage of hell. I remember being sisterly jealous of myclette,twentypearls94porkchopper  and a host of other women with true and undying love in their lives they were blessed to speak of,  in a no in your face kind of way.

I cried over that lost love, that divorced friendship. I questioned where my life would go from there and as usual I saw no way forward. I never wanted to steal anyone elses joy, I simply wanted joy of my own airmarked specifically for me.

Well I got a little bit of joy last night. No not a renewal of that lost love. Not even a mending of an old friendship, at least not in the way we as old romantics tend to think mending will be found. After months of not having that old flames happiness thrown in my face I was not only forced to be in his prescence, but once again I had to hear  about his happiness, his joy,his moving forward and his moving on. The worse part of the conversation? The conversation was one not shared between two lost friends, but one that was meant to be overheard for whatever reasons and thank God I overheard it. HES GETTING MARRIED!

As I listened to him talk about his joy I felt that tear that built up, you know that infamous tear created by Denzel Washington as he is having the man in him beaten out and tore down. I felt it building up and just as quickly as it began I heard a voice "O NO WE DON'T DO THAT HERE"

LORD it felt good. It felt good to know that what had become normal and something done out of habbit, could be broken and no longer controled me. I know what it means to be free. I know what it feels like to run through the valley, lift up your arms and sore like an eagle without fear of falling.

I thank you father. I thank you for healing and fixing me when the pieces seemed beyond repair.

Oh and after the voice siad oh we don't do that here...lol I did what I would never expect myself to do. I blessed him and I meant it and it felt good.

 

Environgirl made me do it!

 

• I look forward to the end of this damn semester!
• I look forward to reading my trashy romance novels.
• I look forward to getting my daughter ready for her Prom.  I can't wait to look for dresses and shoes and the whole shibang!
• I really look forward to being in the position that if I chose to do so, I could retire at 50. Yep. I said it, I want to be financially able to retire at 50 and still have a good life. That doesn't mean that I will definitely retire, just that if I wanted to, I could.
• I look forward to wearing the black robe with the light-blue hood, two years from now. I can't wait to finally have my masters degree.
• I look forward to wearing a black robe with a hood and stripes after my daughter gets old enough to be able to handle me being out of the loop for longer periods of time. Yes...I'm going for my Doctorate when she gets into high school.
• I look forward to my new career as a counselor. 
• I look foward to having my first collection of erotic stories published.
• I really look forward to doing more traveling. To say I haven't traveled much in my life would be a terrible understatement. I want to visit Hawaii, Alaska, Arkansas (Arkansas has some of the best quartz crystal deposits in the world.  Ya'll know how I love rocks!)California, Florida, Washington State and Oregon. Tristaprez is moving to Portland.  Then I want to visit Martinique, Jamaica, St. Martins, The Island of Hispaniola (where The Dominican Republic and Haiti are).  I could say "sak passe" to my peeps in Port O' Prince. I also want to visit The Virgin Islands, England, France, Monico, Madagascar, Mali, Egypt, and Nigeria.

 

 

 

 

 

Ok so I am crying, but I know the tears will pass and hopefully my tears will not flood my laptop or this post.


I have wanted a motorcycle since I was 21, but my parents constantly asked me to let my desire for the bike go and I did. Well at least I tried to forget about it, but the bike kept calling my name. Slowly but surely I started saving and was planning on finally getting my dream bike a 2007 kwasaki by the end of last month...Ha nope, wouldn't be able to make the purchase because the money was needed to pay unexpected bills. I kept telling myself where there is a will there is a way, and if I was meant to have it the bike would be mine.

Fast forward to last friday and my dreams are answered in the form of a small white envelope. I came home to a credit card offer that would cover a down payment for my bike as well as other necessities to begin ridding. Believe it or not as much as I wanted to run and make the purchase my hands would not make the call to accept the card. While the credit card would have been great my credit is not the best so I declined. Later that night I took another look at the offer and called in my acceptance.
Fast forward to sunday and I begin to hear my brakes squeaking, great her gos the other shoe dropping. (why  me...WHYYYYYYYYYYYY)
Fast forward to this morning (yes i know fast forward is overused..but hey so is the other shoe!...lol)
Anyway the mechanic calls me and drops the bomb.

Good morning CJ, its Mike.
Hi Mike.
Sorry did I wake you?
Yep, but I was waiting for your call anyway.
Ouch, well sorry to have to do this , but I have bad news.
Tears start coming toward my eyelids as I bite down on my pillow.
Ok...How bad is it
Well it is going to be $625.00
I didn't hear anything after that....the damn broke and the tears fell.
I called mommy ( yes that is what I call her as I will always be her child and she is the only one I can  cry to w/out being seen as a baby)
Mom says well there go's your bike..aren't  you glad you did not get it?

As much as I want to continue crying and feeling bad for myself I can't. Everything works out the way it is meant to be. I still want my bike (candy red to match the mustang ) but I have to look at the blessing of having one of the cars of my dream as well as being able to pay the bill after receiving the card less than 3 days of getting approved.

thank you!
thank you !

(...link back for visitors from Our Enchanted Garden)


Have you made it past the benchmark "worst day of the year", unscathed? January 22nd has been, it is said, scientifically determined as the worst day of the year. Well it could be - I found yesterday somewhat depressing myself. A cold grey day, more bad news on the wire about people blowing each other to bits, no phone calls to line up interviews or set up any "temp" positions... I'm even registered with more than one temp agency just 'cause these personnel companies can't seem to drum up the work themselves - and one day a week, here and there just won't help me pay the mortgage! Hm-m-m-m, so why be happy?
I can think of a million reasons! I won't put them all down here because it would be too long of a blog but I can list a few!
 
#1 - We are Moving Forward! If yesterday was the worst day of the year, then phew, now we can all relax - things will just get better from here on in! (how do you spell relief? January 23rd?)

#2 - The days are getting longer and it's getting much more noticeable, at least in the evening - that's great for anyone who has to commute to and from work and will give those people an opportunity to see some daylight.
Also a good thing for anyone who suffers from SAD - daylight is such a comfort to those who miss the sun!

#3 - In less than a month I'll be a grandmother for the second time, yippeee!!!! Babies are beautiful - my grandaughter has been a joy to get to know and my daughter makes such a wonderful mom - I have been blessed - of this I am certain! (...if we were closer to "The Due Day" this would be #1 on my list!!! he! he!)

#4 - Big new firsts are unfolding in the US of A - which will hopefully have positive effects here in Canada. George Bush will be giving his State of The Union address with a woman standing over his shoulder for the first time in history! (Madame Speaker Nancy Pelosi) I am hopeful this will help to give balance in a country where balance appears to be missing.

#5 - I got some work done on my website yesterday, added the colouring page download. Today I can plan more work for there and work on the book the colouring pages will be part of, maybe even manage to get some photography in if the weather's  "right". That's if I don't get a call to fill in for someone as a receptionist, clerk or production worker!

I just had to add a number five - I like the number, and numerologists suggest it's a number of transformation so I built the list to 5 to bring that transformative energy into my day - and maybe yours too.
Invoking also, the transformative energy of violet light, which has been designed into my blog page and is also present on my website pages, requesting that any negative or painful influences be calmed and smoothed and made gentle. Allowing transformation to a more magical and natural state is accomplished with the least amount of stress as possible. I guess in the end it is clear this new day is about transforming; the transformation from depression to uplifting, the transformation of dark to light, the transformation of life in the making, the transformation of governments and politics.

I am confident humans can transform woes into WoWs! And so - WoW - here we go! Enjoy the ride! ;)


(...link back for visitors from Our Enchanted Garden)