Motherhood @ MindSay 
children
Yes, I have returned after a long hiatus. My life here in Portland has been very hectic. Juggling two jobs and motherhood, plus the day to day stresses of living in these uncertain times has left me creatively dry and in a kind of emotionally frozen space where I couldn't seem to put the thoughts and feelings in my head down on paper. However, there have been many forces at work that are helping me get back on track.
So, what have I been doing? Well...My wonderful husband Ray and I are still running Aquea Design
and there have been some challenges with moving the business to Portland. Ray is a very talented designer and we've got some great work that has been done in the last year. I am also a booking agent at WilhelminaMTG.
How cool is that? It is cool on the surface, but the job is not easy! I love the models and the clients are very nice to work with for the most part. I am now head of the children's division, which means I handle models and actors from infants to teenagers. Believe me folks, that is A LOT OF WORK.
On the mommy front, Jenai is about to go to FIDM in LA, and we are very proud of her. There are so many amazing things about her that I admire. (I continue to be shocked that I produced such a stunningly beautiful and intelligent young woman who respects herself and is so ambitious. I mean, I can't say I will ever win mother of the year- but I feel the results are damn remarkable! And thanks for those of you who helped and have been there for all three of my girls, you know who you are...) Chloe is attending Mt. Tabor Middle School and has become quite metropolitan chic. I wasn't aware 5th graders met at coffee shops before going to school!?? She has made some great friends and is doing well in her studies. Skye is modeling and her new passion is being online (yes, already...) She is 4 now and addicted to PBSKIDS.ORG.
OK, so with the economy and work and kids, etc., etc., the joy of writing had abandoned me. All I have been doing is work related pieces (PR and newsletters, new business inquiries...) But these things inspired me to start again:
My co-worker and friend Marjorie Tatum gave me a beautiful notebook that I have been using. Also, watching Marjorie perform recently in Eurydice and seeing her in her element (she's amazing in this play!) made me hunger to do what I love.
Jenai spending a few weeks with us and seeing her so excited about college and starting her career in the fashion industry. I remember when I was that age, and I wasn't nearly as focused!
My wonderful friend Nancy has started her business Quynnessentials.
This is such a huge accomplishment for Nan and I feel so honored to have her in my life, she is a truly powerful woman. Another example for me...someone working towards their dream!
Over Christmas break, Cartoon Ranger lost a tooth, if you'll recall. Sadly, the tooth has never surfaced. Couldn't avoid the vacuum forever. We put our hopes on the next tooth.
I have kept an eye on his other loose tooth as the "big boy teeth" behind it and the now-empty space have moved forward. Didn't want the little guy to have any complications or anything.
Checked on it again late this afternoon (while waiting for the long rising on my bread to complete) and blinked. Brought him into the light. The permanent tooth is moving nice as you please...up into a now-empty space.
Yep. CR lost ANOTHER tooth and didn't tell me.
Now, granted, it's better that it be lost and for him to have no trauma with the event (I will forever remember the drama on my purple and white floral canopied bed when I was five) than for him to be fretting over it. However. I had hoped to capture at least one of those precious baby front teeth for the baby book!
Alas. It is not to be, apparently. I have no clue when he lost it. Could have been eating his lunch at school. He wouldn't have thought to tell anyone.
In other news, I participated in an IEP this afternoon for the little guy and he is doing extremely well. One advantage of the highly individualized education platform he is on with his class is that if he is ready to move forward in an area, his teacher will take him forward. If he's not, he's not. In some areas, then, he will be working ahead of grade level. That's pretty nifty for a kid who wasn't even comprehending "How are you?" a year or so ago.
All in all, it's been a good day. I voted in our primary election. (Walked to the polls, too!) Baked bread. Did the IEP thing, made a really nice fettuccini alfredo with baked chicken for dinner, and helped Cyclone with his homework. (He is an entertainment columnist for his school paper for the second semester. Very cool.)
I may be foolish about some things, but I know a good book when I see one. :)
I'm invisible.
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
I'm invisible.
Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30 , please.'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going ... she's going... she's gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England .. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it.
I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.'
And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.
The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
"Borrowed" from Noelle67
:) What is the meaning of life?
The idea that everything and everyone is connected in some way.
:) Does god exist?
Absolutely
:D Where does the sock that your dryer eats actually go?
I agree with Noelle67 . The tumbling of the dryer and the built up static electricity actually opens up a vortex to an alternate dimension. It sucks in socks and leaves pennies behind.
:D Why do mothers say 'because I said so!'?
Because it prevents them from explaining why and going into a diatribe of, "I've had a hard day and nobody gives a crap. All day long I sacrifice for you kids and your father and what do I get in return? I didn't spend ____ hours in the hospital pushing out your big head just to hear some lip from you! When I was your age my mother woulda..."
:P Why don't dad's understand why we're so irritable once a month?
Because they don't realize they are often the source of our irritation.
:P Why don't teachers ever let you go to the bathroom when you ask?
For some reason full bladders in the middle of a test or a lecture seems contagious. One kid asks to go and the next thing you know 15 other kids suddenly have the urge to urinate.
When I found out I was pregnant, I began keeping a separate journal for the baby. At first it was supposed to be a journal about my pregnancy experiences, but it evolved into a journal that recorded all of the big events in our lives. I have entries about tropical storm Allison, the 2000 Election, September 11th, and now Hurricane Katrina. Below is the entry I wrote about September 11th;
September 11, 2001
I can't believe what happened today. It's like a bad dream. We slept late. You didn't wake mommy up until 9:22 a.m. I immediately jumped up and got you ready for daycare. You were a good little girl and not as fussy as usual.
When we got into the car, no music was playing on the radio. The announcers said that a plane crashed into one of the towers of the World Trade Center. That's in a city called New York, little one. As I heard the announcer talking about it, I was still thinking it was an accident until they started using the word "attack". They said a few minutes later another plane crashed into the other tower! I don't know why I continued driving to the daycare. I think I was on auto pilot. The daycare lady, Mrs. Hunt, told us they we closed. That's when it dawned on me. America was under attack!
I raced home and called your Grandpa. He works for the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA). Your Pa Pa's job is to make sure the radar tower at Ellington Field is working in tip top shape. I couldn't reach him at all and I started to worry. As I drove home, I started thinking about all of my students who were back at school. Since you were born in August, Mommy didn't have go to work for the first three weeks of school. I knew the kids would be scared.
I also started thinking about who could have done such a terrible thing. I have a hunch it's a bad guy named bin Laden. He blew up some big U.S. Navy ships last year and bombed a big building in Kenya. He's a very bad man. I hope they catch him soon.
When we got home, I couldn't stop holding you. I wouldn't even put you down when your daddy got home. I kept thinking, I'd never let anyone hurt you. I waited 40 weeks for you to come into my life and NO ONE is going to threaten to cut that short. I would gladly fight to the death for you. Mommy is a fighter and she always will be. Mommy will always go down fighting.
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