Morning @ MindSay

KitsunenoTora

Eating: Pear halves - right out of the can, lol I'm such a rebel
Drinking: flat Squirt, but it tastes good either way
Been Watching: Kyo Kara Maoh
Wants to watch: Kyo Kara Maoh, Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei
Should have read: Lots of school related things, new Tsubasa chapter so Andi can rant at me
Been playing: Rune Factory 2 - I'm SOOOO pissed that you can't plant anything on your farm in Winter. It makes sense, but damn it, I spent soooo much money buying a lot of Winter veggies to plant only to find out that it was a waste. DDDDX Not that I'm strapped for cash in the game, I've probably got a fortune to rival Max and Rosalind (not really lol), but it was annoying. Now it's taking up space in my fridge...
Should have been playing: Kingdom Hearts, I've had it for over a year now
Wants to have to play: A Wii to play Tree of Tranquiliy and Rune Factory Frontier, Pokemon Platinum
Dreading: the end of the month - I should have had my FAFSA up 2 months ago
Worrying about: My Chemistry grades: I have to get As or Bs on all my future labs and at least a C on the last two tests and the final to get a C in the class. Fail.
Forgot to take: My new insulin medicine
Hopes (but dreads): that my period starts - it means the drugs are working and there isn't anything wrong with my brain, but damn, it's a period. Too many stories, do not want. Got some brown gunk (probably coagulated blood) and some red blood when I wipe, but no spotting.

KitsunenoTora is feeling: Angry, lazy, and a bit tired

I'm really only updating this for the sake of updating. I've got a million things to talk about, but nothing at the same time. I don't really feel like blogging about it, but it's high time I did, so I will.

Mom was such a bitch today. So was my alarm. I want to kill it. It's so unreliable. It's a brand new machine, it has no reason to be not going off even when it's set and the volume is on high enough for it to wake me up, and maybe the neighbors. Such a bitch. I set it to 10:00 before I went to bed. Mom woke me up at 7:45 am yelling at my sister because she didn't realize that she wasn't feeling well and was skipping school, but since I didn't have to get up for another 2 hours and 15 minutes I just went back to sleep. Next thing I know it's 12:50 and my mom is yelling again, but this time at me. Fucking alarm, and fuck her for yelling at me, acting like I was going to be late if I didn't get out the door in 5 minutes. I had an hour until I had to leave for work. Not enough time, but time.

I got up about 5 minutes later and went into the bathroom to do my morning stuff, and went out to pack my bag. I then ate breakfast (four waffles, and some orange juice lol) and got dressed. By the time I was done, I only had about 15 minutes before I had to leave - not enough time for a shower, so I made my lunch and put up my hair in a clip so it wouldn't look so dirty. My mom was bitching on and on to me about it - saying I'm going to lose my job because I didn't take a shower that morning. No. I won't. That job is SOOOO cushy. I totally shouldn't be paid as much as I do - I don't do anything but sit in front of that window doing homework or working on my laptop and filling the printers. On occasion I make coffee or clean the tables or something, but that's it. $8.00 job. And I hardly ever see my boss around. SHE DOESN'T CARE. And I don't see it being a problem unless I do it every day from now on, which I don't plan on. I'm not going to lose my job because I went to work a little stinky ONCE. But she's making it out like they're going to take one look at me and kick me out the door with a pink slip. She's so delusional. And she kept ripping on me about it, over and over, yelling at me about how irresponsible I've been being and shit. I have not. She thinks that she has to wake me up every other day for work or school. No. Maybe once every few weeks when my alarm decides to be a stupid piece of junk and not go off even when it's set. So when she drops me off, I'm so seething mad at her that I slam the car door on my way out.

She guilt-tripped me on the way back tonight after Chemistry about it - the car is pretty much the only thing she owns, and doesn't have the cash to replace. Then she went on about the dire circumstances we're in financially, that I can't afford to not have a job, even though I don't make that much because I don't have the hours I need. I KNOW that I need a job. I'm not going to mess up the one I have - it's stupidly easy and lenient, and I'd have to do something EXTREMELY BAD or drop below half-time to lose it. And she was all "you might be able to afford not wearing makeup or having a zitsy face blah blah." They don't care what I look like, as long as I'm not disgusting all the time. Which I never am, just once today because I just so happened to randomly sleep 12 hours without noticing. I only got 4 hours the night before and was feeling sick last night, so I understand why I did, but she's acting like staying up late is causing me to need more sleep and thus screwing me over. It's not, I sleep just the same, it just so happens to be at different times of day for her. It works for me, so it doesn't matter what she thinks.

Lmao, I've just eaten the whole can of pears. 3 1/2 servings. I'm so bad. ^^; I should take my pill, too... I forgot to take it last night. I'm supposed to take it with food, but the problem is that I don't know HOW MUCH food I'm supposed to take with it. Will a snack suffice, or does it have to be a full meal? It's an important question because I don't have a set schedule - I don't eat at set times a day. So when I have a meal, I don't always have the chance to take a pill, or I might just skip one entirely - like breakfast. But it has to be twice a day - breakfast and dinner. So I wonder if just a snack is good enough. It's an insulin medicine, so I assume that it's used to control how far up my blood sugar levels spike, and that's why I have to eat it with food, but how much do I need to spike it so that the medicine is affecting me in a good way? And in the event that I don't eat anything, should I just skip it? And how much time should be in between doses? It doesn't say in the pamphlet or on the bottle. :/

My mom was just out here again - she threatened to give me a bedtime earlier today (LOL JUST TRY IT) and now she's just threatened to get rid of the internet. She should know that I'd just stay up anyway - I always have. Previously I stayed up watching tv or playing video games. Now I do so on the internet. She's not going to stop me either way, I'm just going to find something to do. I'm just naturally a night owl, and I don't get why she can't understand that. So I don't know why she tries to stop me. >.> She used to threaten to take away my game boy or cancel the cable, and she never did that. Although the game boy was mine, so she could never take that away - I bought it with my own money, she has no right to take it from me. But she watches tv a lot too (although she claims there's nothing on) so I understand why she never cancelled the cable.

Hmm... maybe I should introduce her to the wonders of Hulu. She needs to learn how to properly use a computer anyway.

Lol, I've been editing my LGBT adoption paper all night. Well, I actually didn't start doing that until about an hour ago - I was faffing on on the internet emptying my inbox. It's supposed to be written in formal English - no contractions and 1st or 2nd person allowed. I've never truly realized how much I use them - things just DON'T SOUND RIGHT without them for me. D: I've had to go through it several times trying to find and fix them - lol, Mark Noe, my (very terrible, seriously he's no help at all) peer-editor only found ONE. There were a TON that I hadn't realized or caught the first time through. I was very joyous when I checked using find (I don't trust it to replace them the right way) and didn't find any. Tomorrow morning I've got to do my math homework, so I'm setting my alarm for 10:00 again. Let's hope it's not a piece of junk for the second time in a row. It tends to fail several times in a row in periods of fail. So much fail. DX

I'm tiiired. Things look kinda blurry, and I CAN'T FUCKING TYPE. I keep missing or replacing vowels for some reason, I can't go very far without using the backspace. 3 times in that last sentence, how awful. D: My typing skills suck.

I need to properly clean my classes, they've got some major smudges I can't get off, I just keep smearing them no matter what I do. Even water and a soft cloth doesn't help. D: Stupid streaks.

I haven't had Squirt in a while. It is quite delicious. (WHY DO I KEEP SPELLING DELICIOUS WRONG ALL THE TIME RECENTLY. I KEEP MISSING THE SECOND I.) I think I like it more than any other lemon-lime pop. (It's pop, not soda. XPP)

THIS IS GETTING KINDA RANDOM.

I've been thinking about Dixie again on and off. Not as much as I have previously - I get periods where I think about her a whole ton and others where I don't at all. I see from her blog that her iPod is named Lisa still, but I wonder if it's still named after me or if it's now named after her (I think) brother's fiance. I know she likes her a lot, but I don't know what she thinks about me anymore, or if she even thinks of me at all. I wonder if she hates me now. I hope not - not for my own sake, but she needs less people letting her down. I've done that, and I feel terrible. I've been playing with the idea of emailing her again, but I don't know how articulate I'm going to be able to be or if I'm going to be able to send the right message. In some ways, it's good that we're apart - she needs real life, tangible relationships, and spending all her time online with us at the forum wasn't helping her psyche any. And I don't need to constantly hear her depressing talk, I've got too much to work out myself, and not being able to feel like I'm helping her tore me to pieces. But I want to talk to her. I wonder how she's doing. I care about her. I still  have dreams about visiting her in England sometimes, usually after I've read her blog before going to bed. While I don't like a lot of the things I've seen her mention that she does to her friends, I'd still like to meet her someday. I can't tell you how happy I am to see that the little emotes she uses to denote her feelings in her blogs from day to day have evolved from being always depressed to content. I'm so happy. So happy. After all the grief I went through over those short few months I talked to her and tried to help her, she's finally improving, even if I didn't have much of a hand in it. Maybe I started it, but I don't think that I would be helpful in continuing it. I wonder if she's talked about me to her counselor. I wonder if she thinks that I helped her, or if I've failed her and done nothing at all. That I'm just another one of those people who vowed to heal her and then gave up. (Which I never did, I technically took a break while she had little internet access and selfishly continued it indefinitely. I had still planned to try and start helping her again, and I would in a flash, but I wonder if I'll be any help or just dredge up old feelings and cause her to lapse, which makes me hesitate. I wonder about her reaction, which scares me.)

I'll just keep tagging this with her name and wonder if she's reading and knows it's me. I wonder how much she checks her name as a tag - I know she knows all the tricks, and she's mentioned that she checks tags occasionally, but how often? I suppose her seeing this is the easy way to get my point across, but it's also the most cowardly.... which I'm not fond of. But who ever said I was brave? :P I think she'd prefer we use a different means than the forum to communicate, anyway. Although she might not prefer this one, with the dilemma I caught snippets of the end of on here with Emily... I don't know.

If it gets long enough I might just be direct and surprise her with a comment on one of her blogs. While I said in the first blog that I wanted this to sit here untouched and unseen, I think in a lot of ways I want her to see it. But just her. I learned a lot about her, she poured her heart out to me while I stayed hidden. I'm just like that - I don't open up to people that well. I'm a listener rather than a talker. I've had friends who I've known for years tell me that they don't know anything about me, usually after I predict their actions correctly myself. But she trusted me a lot, while I showed no trust at all. I'm not direct with my feelings - I could never tell anyone in a chat or in person how things are going for me, this indirect and somewhat private way is best for me. And in some ways we've developed a bond in that she's the only one I think I could handle or want reading this, even after all the time we've been apart. She trusted me with herself, she at least deserves me to do so as well, and this is the only way I can.

My browser is having trouble handling all this (Stupid script error popups) so I should probably end this here. (Plus my computer randomly highlighted everything and I accidentally deleted it ALL. Thank GOODNESS for the undo function.)

Goodnight, digital abyss.