Moody @ MindSay 
depressed
I am feeling a tad depressed today.
Stressed out about too many things...*sigh*
James and I went yard sale-ing this morning. it gives us something to do and we never spend much. Maybe a few dollars. Its our Saturday morning routine! We found Morgan a drum set for xbox today! called and woke him up to ask if he wanted them...just $7.00!!! They put everything at half price after 11 am! They are gonna have a great yard sale by doing this and they were cheap anyway! Orginally the drums were $15.00! Came with the rock revolution game. I just hope they work! She said they did and they seem to be in great shape! Wont know til Morgan uses them!
Last weekend we went to Hillsville to the huge flea market there. I didnt think it was as crowded as in years past. Because of the recession many didn't travel for it. Even the vendors were down.We still enjoyed it, just getting away for a day was good! Got to see Morgan too, as he popped home for the weekend cause he bought a drum set and had to pick up his glasses that came in.It was hot though last weekend! I was ready to quit at 2, but James insisted we rest a bit then plow on some more! I was wore out! we got there at 9 that morning, and we finally quit about 4:30...still about 3-4 hours left that next day to cover it all. We got to our room about 5 and collasped. I got a shower and saw that I was sunburned! ouch! I put sunscreen on! anyway, we walked over to Sagebrush to eat. we were too beat to drive anywhere. waited an hour to sit, then waited 30 mintues for our food.... Finished at 8 then went back to room and fell into bed! we were asleep by 10! whew! Up at 7 next day and started again! we finished about 10:30...I will never do that again! I cant take the heat anymore. I feel like i'm gonna pass out in it. today while yard sale-ing I felt like it again. I get really weak all of a sudden and feel shaky, and cant get a good breath... I dont know what it is...but it bothers me. Since I turned 46 this year, I feel like my body is deserting me... Perimenopause... Hot flashes, cold,chills, now this with the heat. I get too hot now...Maybe I should get checked out by the doctor. Mood swings too! I can bite someones head off if they cross me at the wrong time of the month now!!!I cant help it either. Family will just have to deal with it!! looks like I've got a ways to go before I'm out. Most of my friends tell me it ends about the time you turn 50ish!! So I'm looking at 4 more years of this!??? Ouch!!!
We went to the West game last night..It was really wierd with Ariana not cheering... Still saw a lot of parents there whose kids graduated with Ariana. Even saw some there home for the weekend from college. Just as 4th quarter started,it starts raining...I look at James and start laughing...we wait a bit, and it starts getting harder, so pack up and leave. passed several others and we said"No need to get wet this year! Not sitting in any rain!" everyone laughed. last year see, it practically rained every football game! and we had to stay then! With Ariana cheering and James head of concessions, there was no leaving. Sat under an umbrella most of the season and learned to deal with getting wet! So, last night was fun to get up and leave with everyone else!! We sat in car and listened to the rest of the game...West won, 28-21...Its a wonder though as many passes as they threw and missed,dropped or whatever...They lost over half the team as most were Sr.'s. last years team was great..
Of course all the parents still there saw James and tried to get him back,or tell him they miss him doing concessions! Some even told him that it went downhill a bit! Oh well! It's time for other parents to step up to the plate and do it!! The new couple that took over the concessions said they didnt really know just how much work it took to keep it up! Ha! We told em!!its like having a second job with no pay! and then no other parents want to help.."Oh I have to see my child play!" what's one night??? oh well, not our concern anymore! we will go to most of the home games I guess. I especially want to see Homecoming... the athletic director gave James a pass for this year, for all the years he put in as head of concessions. Old saying goes, no one appreciates you until you aren't there!
Wow! 2 days at once on here1 I'm on a roll!!
Makes me remember a palm reading I got twenty years ago. The reader took a look at my hands and winced. He had a thick Hungarian accent, a recent immigrant to Milwaukee earning his keep at a New Age store, or maybe just a guy playing the part of an eccentric gypsy to make some silver, yet he had come well recommended. I worried about how he winced at my hands. What did he see?
"You are fire," he frowned deeply as if my touch really were hot, "people want to warm up to you but sometime it is too much." His prediction was that I would be a beacon of light as well as a raging firestorm. At least he lent me this advice, "you have to put the fire working somewhere."
I think I know what that means now.
I don't know if Facebook is good for me. It keeps me in contact with old friends whom I've always loved but sometimes I can't shake the sinking feeling that a few of them secretly still hold a grudge or hate me for some misunderstandable reason. I should not let it worry me. I can't always be responsible for other peoples' feelings and experiences. There are things I would change, if I could go back in time, but largely I have no regrets.
There's only one old friend on Facebook who has rejected my requests to add them to my friend list. Perhaps it's just a petty thing. I didn't get along with everyone I went to college with, but I certainly never hated anyone. The only problems I had socially were with the staff of the college newspaper and I occasionally bumped heads with the UWSP Comic Art Society but things like that happen when everyone is vying for attention. I couldn't please everyone, least of all myself. The proudest thing I experienced back in the day was for nearly three years all the cartoonists in the college newspaper were female, but they were friends with each other and didn't like me -- even though I fought tooth and nail for them every time the newspaper staff wanted to cancel the comics pages entirely.
I was even hated upon when I was president of the University Writers, a writers' support group which was more of a social, fellowship kind of group more than anything else. I remember one brave enough friend telling me that I was organizing things too much and not giving others enough to do. Like them, I was a student just learning interpersonal communication. Things I said and did were taken the wrong way. The more I tried to help, the more I got picked on.
I was never much of a team player. But I put forth an effort to fit in. I don't mean to cry over spilt milk that has long since congealed, but I am, aren't I?! It doesn't bother me that much until I get home and try to sleep. And it's not just stuff I couldn't handle well or people who couldn't handle me in college, it's memories of mistakes I've made on the job, in personal relationships, yeah... you get the idea.
There are times I want to break out a magic wand and beat people over their heads with good cheer and cry "I REALLY DID LIKE YOU SO WHY DIDN'T YOU LIKE ME DON'TCHA KNOW I CARED blah, blah, BLAHHHH!" But beatings would not help. Instead of thinking folks was jerks, I beat myself up.
So as the rain comes down, I fight off tears and bad memories. Letting go of those faces from my past who looked upon me with disdain, friends who said harsh things, the loss of their warmth once they took the side of someone they thought I harmed but didn't... Again. I'm helpless against the tide of this mood, this feeling I am hated and I can't do anything about it. Even writing about it doesn't help. Just extends the pain of the mood.
Why? I say, why did they shun me? It's the worst thing a former friend can do. Shun you. Not speak to you. Even if you did something stupidly wrong like owe them money or say a thing out of line, why didn't they realize it was not intended to be cruel? Why didn't they give me the chance to at least know their thoughts? Why didn't they let me make things up to them? And why can't I just forget about it?
Maybe because those people are still alive and well. I can see there faces on Facebook but can't offer them any apologies they will accept. I'm still, inside, who I used to be and I'm still being shunned, still punished for just being human, and the rejection on Facebook brings that all back every time.
The rejection never goes away, but, then again, the acceptance never does either. I need to remind myself that I'm not hated, that I did good, and maybe, just maybe, I actually made a difference in some peoples' lives. That's the wish that keeps me there.
Well I am in a better mood today. Nobody lost life or limb yesterday. Scared poor Randy that I wasn't in one of those killing moods. I think he thinks I am plotting his demise to collect insurance money. Silly man, I don't have enough insurance on him yet for that plan!
After choir practice yesterday, I have deiceded J the volunteer who is working this year's school choir will NOT be the one who teaches my kids and I how to play guitar. We will go with the orginal plan of action. I teach the basics and once TKD is done (to 1st dan) we will stop at that academy and go to the small lil mixed marital arts academy in town and find a guitar teacher. The man drives me crazy! He has had no formal musical schooling and treats the kids like adults and the one teacher and me as if we were children and don't know how to read music let alone read the words on the sheet music. My gods the teacher who is helping is playing an older Gibson guitar and knows how to play it! Plus she can read music and i think since she is the 7th/8th grade teacher she can read the words! I have told the man time and time again and he has gone to my HS music concerts before that I can not only read music but gasp I graduated from highschool at the top of my class!
Anyway, I made chicken cordon blue and veggies for the kids and hubby last night before pool. Then I scarfed a philly cheese steak and fries down at the Pub!:D I did rather well for myself last night. I won 1 out of 3 games last night. I was hitting nothign but slop shots in my second game and then the old lady i was playing against got on a good run. My Gods if I was happy to win one of hte games! This old lady is in her early to mid 70s and she has been playing since her early 20s! Their team consistered of the old lady, two of her daughters, one of her granddaughters, and another girl who played pretty well. We lost our over all match by two games. But we all still had fun! As Justin the bartender stated: "Ya'll should have ordered the mushrooms for a snack! Then I could have slipped in some wwwwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooohhhhhhhhhh mushrooms on you and you would have shot better games!" Such a smart ass!
Today the kids went to school an hour and half late! My Mommy reitred officially yesterday. Actually it is Friday but she won a 24 hour off award via the gov't so she tookt hat as a day off and then jsut requested 2 days of her 7 weeks of vk they have to pay her to take the rest of the week off. The hospital provided a staff pot luck. A lot of ppl were in tears over my moms retiring. She has put 20 some years in at the IHS Hospital and that doesn't include working 15 some years at another hospital! She has worked on ppl her age parents and grandparents, her age ppl, helped birth a lot of my friends and their children and she will be very much missed up at that hospital! The doctors even got a few digs on her and as they call her "opinions". They knew she was going to get them if they did wrong!:D Some of the other NA Indian ppl from other tribes had no clue until the Tribal Council Chairman stated that my mom's was born on the rezes and raised on the rezes and they were really suprised. When my mom got up to thank everyone for the gifts they got her and the hospital got her, she suprised even some of the tribal family and staff from our rez when she said that her family has been in the area as long as if not longer then the Bago tribe has been in this area. She gave dates and then stated the rez will always be home and then pointed to me and my kids and said our family feels welcomed here and has become members of various other families and you'll see me around!:D
It was great. Now it is time for the parental units to live it up for a while!:D Maybe Bingo or Casinos for them:P:D Heheheheheheheh. Anyway I got my rough draft of my paper complete. I jsut need to type it and get it submitted. And hopefully my next post I'll have some wonderful news.
I am off to procrstantat more and try not to be so moody!:D
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