Money Problems @ MindSay

... or let me make my decisions....

Sooo.... things have sort of fallen completely apart.

a) fights with dad have gotten more frequent

b) I have no money

c) I am having emotional problems that are affecting everyone

d) I had to drop out of college

Solution: Right now I want to get level headed; I think the best option for me right now is to go inpatient to a mental facility.

So, I've been a bit down lately. One of the reasons for the lack of posting. Historically, this seems to be the case as well. At the times where venting might do the most good, I clam up. Loverly.

Anyway, its not really any one thing. Best I can explain... its life. All of it. I have a college degree that I am not doing anything with. I'm not making the money I think I deserve to be making. Paying bills is a struggle. Staying alive is starting to get that way too.

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. A modern Atlas if you will. Worse still, I feel like I have no support system.

You see, I worry. Incessantly. About things that I can't change. Like all of this. I worry about paying bills on time, paying them at all, my credit rating, etc. You see how money has taken a central role in my life. Jesus said, "The love of money is the root of all evil." I still wonder if he could imagine America in the 21st century and the same hold true. Of course, its not money I love. I like money surely, but I love not feeling pressured every second of every day. He was right though. Never would I have considered knocking over a bank, robbing a store, the odds of getting away with it, mugging some old guy who just got $1000 out of the ATM.

 The thoughts that come into your head with desparation and the warm feeling it gives you. I think about guys who flash money around and i just want to order them to their knees and let them taste gun metal and plastic. Feel that circle leaving an imprint in the back of their throat. Watch them cry and choke and beg. Let them wonder what good allll that money did them when $.17 takes it alllll away.

I'm slowly realizing that America does not have a crime problem, or a drug problem, or any of those social problems- problem. It has a poverty problem. People are desparate, and desparate people take desparate measures.

Back to the point. I am with someone who doesnt worry about money. Before leaving college in May, I had never been in debt. I spent only what I had, I saved as much as possible. Now I have mounting school bills, life bills, maxed out credit cards. and all for what? to survive? thats pretty much it. trying to make my own way. Meanwhile, rainfallsdown , god bless her and I don't mean this in a mean way, but she does't worry about anything. Bills? Meh. Debt? Huh. Future? Blah. I mean in many ways we are both in the same boat. Debts, credit, etc etc. But it keeps me up at night. I worry about my stuff. Now I worry about her stuff. Because in the end I want it to be OUR stuff. And I'd like it to be OUR ceremony, and OUR house, and OUR cars, and OUR stuff. And I feel it slipping away day by day under a shadow of debt.

more then that, I know that a single guy living where I do should be fine living on $1300 a month. I mean theres not alot of fun in that budget but subsisting yea. Add to that the $500-$1000 monthly bonuses and I should be paying things off and living the life. But I'm not. I'm adding debt and treading water. I'm not complaining because I love her and I love having him around and he's a good friend now, but my one salary is supporting three people. rainfallsdown and her cousin are living with us. So I'm buying food for, housing, warming, in some cases clothing, and supplying *cigerettes (tho now i've quit), snacks, soda, treats, days out, gas to take places, etc* three people. And its straining me. And I know its not all their fault. She is trying to find a job, and for the most part he depends on me to help him find a job. But the thing is, the job market isnt that bad right now. I make between 15k and 20k a year. Which, by my calculations, is about 20k or more LESS than I should be making. But I found a job to pay the bills and I go to work everyday and HATE it, but I go so we can survive and keep moving. My dad always told me, you take the job you can get until you can get the job you want. I know that there are not many jobs out there paying $10 or over, but maybe for a few months we could get a job paying $8 or $6.50. Just to bring something in. Or for other people, if we dont have a work history, don't expect a glorious desk job. Maybe McD's is a good starting place. Make some money, get some experience. I just feel like I'm the only one compromising and its dragging me down. I'm the work horse, the ASS carrying all the gear up the hill. And I take it and I don't complain, too much anyway, and I perform my role.

Now I know upon reading this, I'll take hell. but I suppose these are my thoughts and I could say what I want. I love them both to death and I wouldnt want them to leave or change or anything. And I don't want them to hate me because I feel like this. But I had to get it outta my head and on somewhere else to save my sanity.

Is it me or should life not be this hard. I mean god damn, make it interesting yes, tough life breeds tough men. and I want to be tough. but christ? all of this. Meanwhile, the rich piss money away every day. It makes me so sick. It really does.

Of course its more than money probs. I mean, Im out of school and I'm doing nothing with my life. I talk to people stuck in the same ho-hum jobs as me, but they are making a career. They can progress and climb the ladder. Do I want to be selling cars my whole life? FUCK NO. I don't even like it. Its just paying the bills. But I cant pay for law school. I can't pay to do anything else. I won't accept my parents terms for them to pay it. So I'm stuck.

Added on to that is my winter condition. This is something I've kept in my head and never really told anyone. People who know me well, and for a long time, know that I hate winter because from October to April, I generally feel like shit. I get sick occasionally, and I'm ok sometimes. But for the most part I feel like shit. I blame my immune system. Its strong enough to keep me from getting sick fully... which is good b/c I miss work and my family doesnt eat... but it always holds me back from the edge, but keeps me as close as possible. So instead of 2 sick days, I feel shitty for weeks. and it goes one after another this way.

I suppose part of my grouchiness has to do with my selff-imposed conditions. I am trying to quit smoking, limit my drinking and drop some weight and add some muscle. So most days I'm ill *see above*, sore, wanting food, wanting a drink, wanting a smoke, and just generally foul. So perhaps I bring some of it one myself.

Either way, I feel cleansed. Thank you all for letting me vent, whomever actually reads this nonsense.

I'll try to post more often, but work *my primary posting ground* has been super busy.

More later...

Man, I am tired.  I was real tired last night too and I didn't feel good at all.  When I got home from work last night around 6:30, I fed Noah and went to the bedroom, layed down for a couple of hours and watched a couple of episodes of One Life to Live.  It felt so good to be able to do that.  But Noah did come to the door and cry and bang on it a little bit, he knew his momma was in there.  I just had NO energy. 

When I went to work yesterday I was kind of paranoid about the vibe there might have been since I called in twice last week because my baby was sick.  Everything was just fine!!  The boss was off yesterday, but when I saw her today, she asked how Noah was doing, and I filled her in on that he is better, but it was terrible when he was sick, and that he had gotten the hives right after he broke his fever.  Later on, we are sitting there at the front of the grooming shop, and she tells me she gave me a raise, and that she should have done it a long time ago!!  YAAAAAY!!    :)  :)  :)

Sweetie and I have been hurting for money lately.  We are terrible at maintaining a budget!!  We have all intentions of doing much better now though.  Last week he was promoted, and I am very proud of him!   Between the 2 of us, we were raised about $3.00 an hour.  Not too shabby!  *man I have the yawns!*  lol  Anyways, we've got to get on track and it will eliminate a lot of the stress we've been having.  That's why we've been eating a lot of Ramen noodles lately!  lol  Hey, they are not too bad when you're hungry. 

He's at band practice and I'm in a very dark and quiet house.  Right before it got dark, I put Noah in his stroller and leashed Moby up on the retractable leash, and we went for a stroll.  I walked up to my old middle school, and my mind went down memory lane as I looked at the place where I fell for my first love.  It's weird imagining myself so young, and innocently flirting with the boy who would end up taking my virginity. (I took his too, well I guess we "gave" it to each other...lol)  Never thought I'd be living right down the street from all the schools I grew up in. 

I still picture myself moving to some other state, to see more of this country, and experience more nature and scenery.  Anyone got any suggestions as to beautiful affordable places to live??!!   I do appreciate Fort Worth being my home, but I'm sure I also take it for granted.  I love the ruggedness of the mountains, the dessert and I've cried many tears wishing I was closer to the ocean.  I've always fantasized about being a mermaid with wings!  :)

I feel bad that I don't spend enough time reading all my friends blogs and commenting, but with the time and life I have, I do the best I can!  I hope everyone is having a wonderful evening.  :)