I lost my job. No reason except the end of 3 months. They mentioned in a conversation about the time I tried to have two jobs at once. Seems like a stupid reason to terminate such a good employee, but whatever. It was stressful working there and the job required way too much work for one person, but it was still less stressful than not having a job.
My credit card bill is almost 2000. I just keep spending to... cope, I guess. With my boyfriend acting weird, with losing my job, with being in a new city with not a single friend and the one person who's supposed to support you being ultimately critical....
I'm here til Oct 31. Halloween. Then.... I don't know.
I'm considering working as an entertainer, so I can pay my bills... student loans coming up, to avoid moving back home. I can't even get a job at fucking tim hortons. Overqualified, am I, or what??!
I do not want to go home. Home means failure. And I don't want to live with my mom again.
I also miss my favourite cousin who died several years ago, but I still cry whenever I think about how I'll never see him again...
Oh and my boyfriend and I are on a "break". Is he still called my boyfriend if we're on a break? I don't know. Whatever. "Time to think". Well he should do some thinking, for sure. I wish he'd listen to me. I feel like I can see him from the outside and he can't see himself from the inside... You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. This article made a lot of sense to me : http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200904/living-angry-partner
I don't even know why I'm writing this or what I'm hoping to hear...whatever 2.0
So it might be Saturday, and I might have been in jail in my last post I caught things up in, but now I'm catching things up again.. And jail was involved again..
While I was in jail, I was able to get a hold of some paper and a pencil, this is what I wrote while I was there..
Monday, I'm running a bit late for court, no time to stop for food, something I'll later regret. When I get to court, I write my dad's number on my arm and hand him my phone. After talking to the Public Defender, I eventually get up to the podium, a short sentence later, I'm being handcuffed, telling my father to call Michelle, my connection to my job, let her know I'll be out in three days.
While sitting in holding the court cells, I start to realize how hungry I am. After who knows how long, I am put into a transport van with another inmate, an older man, shorter than me. A thirty or so minute drive and I'm sitting in booking,it's about three or four at this point, I think. After being searched, I'm put into a pit, yada yada, eventually, around six, I'm in a cell with five other guys, waiting for a room. I think at about one or two am, we are finally shown to a cell, in Quarantine. I still haven't eaten at this point..
Tuesday, around six am, food is finally delivered, pancakes and cornflakes. my cell mate is a bigger guy, vaguely familiar. I try sleeping, but it doesn't happen, and what sleep I do get are dreams of being in jail. My strength is just crumbling through all this, I can't help but dwell on the fact that I have nothing to look forward to when I get out. Chelsea isn't dating me, Savanah have a boyfriend, I may lose my job, my house, my cellphone will be shut off and my mental health will be deteriorated to the point of needing medication again.
After lunch comes around eleven, some chicken and rice, we clean our cells. We are then evaluated to determine where we will go outside of Quarantine. During this a woman asks how I'm doing and I start to crumble, but hold together. After I reach my cell, I'm called back down and the officer asks how I'm doing, and through a smile, I start crying..
They bring in a mental heath doctor to help me look at the bright side of things, though I can't help but continue to cry.. It truly sucks to work so hard to lose everything so easily. This whole ordeal would be infinitesimallyeasier to cope with if there was something to look forward to. The doctor gives me paper and a pencil, that way I can write my dad's number down, as the ink is wearing off. He tells me to just focus on the positives; two more days, I still have my family...
It's about six forty five, been reading mostly; Deception by Randy Alcorn, decent enough book, I guess. I'm just tired of all this, I want my life back, I want the good. It's no surprise rehabilitation doesn't happen in places like this.
I'ts only nine o'clock, cells are locked, reading and sleep, hopefully.
Wednesday, twelve o'five pm, breakfast and lunch have been had, I'm trying to sleep, unsuccessfully... I can feel the anxiety building again, a tight knot in my chest... For some reason I can't help but think of Chelsea, a lot, and feel nothing but despair. Thoughts of Savanah just make me feel like maybe she made the right choice cutting me out of her life... Something about Chelsea makes me feel otherwise, confusion mostly, wondering why I'm not good enough, then anxious that I really have nobody to be excited about seeing once I'm out. Oh the world of difference it would make if I had someone...
I need to just let go of Savanah, and Chelsea, whoever else in my head I wish things would work out with. The despair of being alone is so damned crippling, more so than losing everything else I worked so hard for. Hell, if everything is gone when I get out in a day, maybe I'll just go on this Adventure sooner than later..
I know Ria will be supportive when I'm out, though she's the last person I deserve anything from. My parents will sigh and shrug and figure I'll get through it. Chris will temm me I have no manner of luck. Maryann will probably mention something about church, so will RA. Jill will look at me like I'll never change, which is disappointing but understandable. Savanah probably won't find out through me, through Kelsey more than likely. If I see Chelsea, I'll get a hug and a sorry look, just pity from her, she'll say something with the word "buddy" in it. I don't know, maybe it's that I know I'm getting pity from her and nothing else that bothers me.. Chelsea could make me a very happy person, and she did for a short while, she verbally told me, often that she believes in me...
Savanah and I have parted before, maybe that's why I'm so fixated on Chelsea, because in those first days, she completely eclipsed all I wanted and went through for Savanah... I don't know, I need to think about something else, that tightness in my chest isn't going to go away if I dwell on what I've had, and lost, with no way of getting it back.
People make their own choices, walk their own paths; just let go of what you can't change, focus on what you can.
It's about three forty five, on one of the breaks from being in your cell. Took advantage of a shower and going outside," in a twenty by thirty, maybe larger, with walls three stories high, gated sky. Mostly just laid in the sun, soaking up vitamin D, Chris would be proud. Everything feels surreal in here...
It's just about four o'clock, and it seems so strange to me; I'd give anything to be held by Chelsea again, to look into those icey blue eyes and hear her say she mats me and still believes in me. More so than Savanah coming back, more so than knowing my job will be safe, more so than getting out... because I know when I do, nothing has changed, she's going to be distant, still talking to my roommate over me.. Why Chelsea gets me like this, I have no idea... It's irritating, frustrating and incredibly depressing.
I do feel a sense of something swelling up though, knowing there's only one more meal and break before "lights out." Anyone that's ever done an overnight knows the lights never really go out. Once today ends, Thursday will come, and with it, my freedom. However, my dad screwed me over, typically when booked, I'll have my cell phone with my other items, but my dad insisted on holding on to it, thus, when I'm released I will have no money or cellphone, though I'm fairly confident my phone will be disconnected upon my release anyway.
One thing I haven't really mentioned is my cell mate, or at least I don't' remember if I did... Anyway, big dude, nice enough, talks a little but it's a little hard to understand him. He mostly sleeps, wakes up for meals, lays back down. We get along ok, though his breath really stinks...
At times I feel as if I'm losing my mind, other times I feel clarity and I'm fine. Being in here, in jail, I feel both, often at once. I've already taken my contacts out, but I know it's after nine, the lights are out.
It's about eleven o'clock, Wednesday, just finished Deception, the book I started probably Tuesday, it wasn't too bad, much more religious than I thought it was going to be. Next, I'm reading The Dog Stars, by Peter Heller. Post apocalyptic book, enjoying the start well enough.
In an hour, it'll be tomorrow, and I'll be that much closer to leaving, and that much closer to figuring out how I'll get home.. I still feel anxious, being in here really has made me see how damn empty my life is. It twists my stomach into knots, and for some reason I can't help but think of Chelsea while I'm here... I hope sleep comes quick, and with it, a little solstice, then later, my release.
A passage from The Dog Stars, "Is it possible to love so desperately that life is unbearable? I don't been unrequited, I mean being "in" the love. In the midst of it and desperate. Because knowing it will end, because everything does. End."
It's Thursday, about a half hour after breakfast or so, and my thoughts go to this Adventure... More and more it feels right. Though, more and more it seems harder to actually do it. I hate being alone, though I believe this Adventure will be my cure, or bring my demise. Jail is hell for it's own reasons, but the regret that comes with not following your dreams and aspirations is a hell of it's own.
Maybe that's what makes me think of Chelsea, I regret the way things went, all of a sudden; whereas with Savanah, I screwed up and gave her space afterward, instead of figuring out a way to make it up to her sooner. I lost Savanah, but it was my fault, Chelsea just walked away and left me with questions, though no answers..
Anyway, enough of them, I should be released around hell, I don't know. I'll have to find a way to contact my dad, and figure out just where I am. I'll probably walk north for as far as I can til I recognize something. From there, it's luck I guess. Finding someone that'll let me use their phone, then waiting for a pickup. I figure waiting should be easy at this point. If I'm lucky, really lucky, I'll find a Sprint store and make payment arrangements so my phone will be on when I get to it. Hopefully my phone will at least receive texts it's missed since court on Monday...
You know, to be completely honest, occasionally my thoughts do find their way to Jordan. Not necessarily as she is now, God knows what she is like now, I mean I think of the past, the fun, the smiles, the fights, the family, the naivety of it... mostly my own. I'm sure she feels she made the right choice, just as I'm sure I would have been a great one, for her, for my other exes, for other girls I've dated.. If I'm lucky, I'll find someone that can understand how I am and still want to be with me, and I with them. Ria is probably one of the few women in my life that still wants to be around me. I try not to give her hope we might be something again, but she's the closest to what I'm looking for, I just don't feel anything romantically for her anymore.
I think it was Tuesday, either before or after I broke, it was before, I just remembered, anyway, I used an empty saline container as substitute plugs for my ears. They work well enough, though the edges hurt when going in and the holes are slightly infected. They'll be alright in a few days. The saline makes me think of years ago, Jordan's mom gave me some for my contacts, we had a water fight with the saline, then the hose attachment with the sprayer in the kitchen, off the sink. There were good times, few bad, but they felt bad enough to her that she left. Anyway, these little saline things just make me think of the past, I don't know why I hold onto these previous lives so damned much...
Lunch time, eleven ten and they forgot to bring two trays for lunch, maybe I'll regret saying nothing, but looking at the food, maybe not. Just so ready to leave.
And that is the last thing I wrote before I was finally able to leave. I left just before four, just before they brought dinner in, so I only ate once on Tuesday. I eventually made my way through the entire complex, got changed into my outfit I wore to court and managed to use a phone from some lady that was waiting for someone else to be released. I called my dad, it was around four twenty or so, and he didn't answer, so I went for a walk.. Took a while, about an hour, and I found my way to a train, and found a $20 bill in my possession, so I bought a train ticket and went to the mall, figuring that's where I'd find a Sprint store.
Upon arriving at The Gateway, the open-air mall in Salt Lake City, I went to the Sprint store and confirmed my phone was indeed shut off, so I set up payment arrangements to get it back on. It was around six at this point, my dad would be off work in an hour so I had walked around the mall, trying every pay phone till I found one that worked, so I could call him. I however wasn't able to find a working phone, or anyone that would let me borrow theirs. I had the brilliant idea to grab a beer from Bout Time and ask if I could use their phone, it being about a quarter to seven. They let me, I arranged for a ride when my dad got off work, and we headed to their house. After getting there, I established a ride home, but ended up instead having Ria take me to her house in Midvale, securing a ride to work Friday morning. Before heading to her house, we swing by my house so I could get clothes for work, she telling me that Friday's weather is supposed to be bright and sunny, and I shouldn't need a jacket.
Friday rolled around and after my shower, I send a pic to Chelsea and say it feels good to be free, as in out of jail and she replied with, Feels good to be free, so you go back to taking the same exact pictures you've always been taking and nothing different? BTW, please stop sending me pics. I say sure, I can do that, and appologize, tell her that the one thing I often thought about in jail was why things were they way they were between us, and why they changed out of where, why she just started talking to only Dustin.. And I said sorry to bother you, that she doesn't need to believe in me anymore, because I believe in myself, but thank you for being there for me. She hasn't said anything since.
My boss Sheldon wasn't at work Friday, but I worked anyway, I had a lot of work to catch up on. A few people knew I was in jail, though I didn't really talk to anyone, just did my job and enjoyed the fact that I could listen to music, the whole being out of jail thing just feeling very surreal.. Throughout the day my eye, the right one, starts getting red, I don't think much of it.. About a half hour before I was off, Michelle called me and said it was good I went to work, that apparently my boss thinks very highly of me and wants to keep me around, giving me a little pride in my working ability and how fast I learn. After work I walked to a bus stop, it being very windy and cloudy... It starts sprinkling while I stand there waiting, in my short sleep shirt... with no jacket, because Ria said I wouldn't need it... From the bus, I reach the train at the airport, from that train, I reach the train up north and get off in Ogden. Upon reaching Ogden, it's pouring rain pretty good, so I run through Ogden with no jacket, my trusty Chrome Industries backpack, getting drenched in rain. I get to a shop one of my old coworkers, Barrett, works at and receive the money he owes me. I swing by Dax's shop and say what's up, fill him in on where I've been since my bday. I reach my old shop, where my boss still has my ultrasonic cleaner and show him the price of it, since he said he'd be willing to just pay me for it since he kept it. After I showed him, he seemed kind of rude about it, telling me to come back next week if I expect payment. I walk over to the bar to wait for Ria to pick me up, filling Cory, the bartender, in on where I've spent life since my bday. He says I'm lucky as shit to still have my job and I probably won't be doing my "walkabout" any time soon, I tell him I still plan on it.
After getting to Ria's I crash hard, my eye just completely red and bloodshot, looks awesome, considering my left eye is perfectly fine.
Saturday rolls around and I say to hell with getting more hours for work and sleep in till about noon. We get ready for the day and head to IKEA, pick up a shower curtain, rings for it and then a cover for her couch. After putting everything where it goes at her house, we head to mine, from there we head to Hastings with all my manga, roughly 150 individual books. I manage to sell all but about 20 or so, resulting in $126.25, not a bad haul or anything I can complain about, considering I'm damn near dead broke. I then get a tattoo touch up scheduled for later in the week, a girl named Caycie I met on my birthday at Brewski's before all this happened.. From there I head home and she heads home, and I start updating this blog with my jail time.. Randomly Savanah texts me, we talk, catch up a little bit and after a few times I just ask her why she's texting me, not really meaning to sound rude about it, just really confused.. but she gets upset and says fine, I'll go away again, bye. Maybe we'll talk to tomorrow, or something...
I decided when I was in jail I need to get better about being alone, and not to let it affect my choices and control my moods.
I think I'm finally caught up on things, a long update, I know, and I don't care if anyone reads it. These blogs are more for me, so I can remember when things start to get fuzzy, as they do when times my lives catch up to me.
This year, to support those affected by Alzheimer’s, I’m participating in the Alzheimer's Association Walk to End Alzheimer’s™ to raise funds and awareness to fight this disease.
Today, as many as 5.4 million Americans are living with Alzheimer’s. In addition, 10 million baby boomers are aging, increasing their risk for developing this fatal disease. Now is the time to end this epidemic!
The Alzheimer’s Association®, the world’s leading voluntary organization in Alzheimer’s research, care and support, is dedicated to finding prevention methods, treatments and an eventual cure for the disease. .
I plan to raise at least $2,000.00 to support the Alzheimer’s Association, which provides consultation, information and referral, and support programs to our community. My team's goal is $5,000.00 but it would be great for us to go over this goal!
On a personal note, I can tell you that Alzheimer's runs on both sides of my family. On my dad's side of the family, his maternal grandmother died from Alzheimer's as did all of her siblings. On my mom's side, I have lost a great aunt and great uncle to Alzheimer's. My mom's older brother who is only 55 years old was recently diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. It has progressed rapidly and he does not have a lot of time left.
So...you can go to the site and donate for me, or for my mom patchesmom ...or you can donate because you personally know someone who is living with this disease, or who sadly has already been taken by it. Either way...every dollar helps, so if you can, please donate.
Thank you in advance for your time and generosity.
P.S. Want to double your donation? See if you employer has a matching gift program by visiting http://www.matchinggifts.com/walk/.