Monday @ MindSay

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After shitting myself all weekend - the coursework discussion with Sarah today wasn't as bad as I'd expected it to be. Last night I'd managed to find the two Rammstein music videos I was using as focus texts on YouTube - one of them even had subtitles. :D

The two I've chosen are Mein Teil and Rosenrot - both chosen for their lack of performances, controversial lyrics, imagery and the narrative-style of the video. Watching them with Sarah, we've both agreed that my Spieluhr video needs to have a lot of fast cuts, lots of alternating shot types and a slight control over the lighting.

Going on what we all learnt from the film trailer - we've concluded that there's one rule I need to follow:
"Film more than what you need." - do clips more than once, film extra bits, film stuff just for the sheer idea that it might come in handy.

I was also relieved to get the approval from Sarah that my script is fine - it's not TOO focused on the narrative, but there needs to be slight less straight shots of lip-synching and some somewhat obscure things adding. On that note, I need to have a think about it.

Photography was a wasted effort - though it did amuse me that Shelly had came in for no reason - Paul wasn't even there so we were sat about doing shite all. Thus, Michelle, Shelly and I spent the whole lesson fart-arsing about on Facebook. Though the college PCs have a cocked up flash-player so it never lets me post status updates to my wall. It's rather annoying, amongst other things. :/

This cunt of a kid decided to be sick on the bus on the way home - right in the fucking middle of the gangway - I had to practically long-jump over it. Bear in mind, this is while the bus is still fucking moving.
I fucking hate kids like.

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The Mondays after half-term are always shite. :/
Saying that, Mondays in general are shite.

I've gotten the script for Spieluhr finished off. Sarah is going to talk with me about it in the next coursework lesson - she wants examples of Rammstein's other music videos too.
She did originally say she wanted to see their most recent one - but that would have meant showing her Pussy - and I said "Well, I could show you their newest one, but it's A BIT PORNAGRAPHIC." - so she soon changed her mind. Her face was funny. :D

I'd say the script is still a 'work-in-progress', it's just basic - I think I need to make it a bit more weird and disturbing if I ever want it to achieve the amount of controversy that Sarah seems to be expecting from me.
I'm not sure where she gets this idea about me from - but it's funny. :)

Photography seemed to be more a debate than a bloody lesson today.
Paul was having a whinge about the A2 students not being motivated enough - and he asked us how they could improve the lessons - I took this as a chance to basically spurt my thoughts.

One thing I said was proper funny - I complained about how lax Paul seems to be about everything. He says we're not arsed - well he's even less arsed than we are.
When he "sets deadlines", he doesn't give dates - he FLINGS HIS ARMS IN THE AIR. So I imitated this.
I amused myself, at least. :)

Then Hayley suggested we need to have our work displayed on the vast empty boards in the room. So he made us go and print three of our photos onto A4 paper.
I chose my epic Vulcan Street sign, my best one of Nelly and Loz and the cute one of Melody with the camera case.







And then I got the chance to prove how witty I am:

Michelle: "Are we doing A4 or A3?"
Dixie: "We're actually doing A2."

A bad pun, but it made Shelly and Michelle piss. :D

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Seeing as how I didn't get to see Shelly alone yesterday, today was the next closest day to her birthday, so I chose to see her today. Before she came, I washed my hair, straightened up my room, hoover the floor - did all the general preparations that I do - then sat down to wait for her. I waited it out in style, assembling a quick playlist of some of my most-played top-rated songs, then making another attempt at the 2nd run of the Flopside Pit Of 100 Trials. Ach, how it is a cunt.

Shelly came when I was at about floor #89 - and she watched me finish it off.
At a time, I didn't think I'd make it - then I levelled up and my max HP went to 100HP, and was refilled - and then I was like PHWOAR, COME ON THEN SHADOO.
Kicked their arses and snagged those sexy rare cards. :)
Super Paper Mario is about an hour or two away from complete game mastery. Mwah ha ha.

I was in a weird mood today - really really turned on - so it wasn't long before I'd taken everything off and Shelly was getting her wicked way with me. :)
It wasn't fair - I couldn't do anything back because it wasn't the happy time of the month for Shelly. :(

We ate lunch together, hung out the washing - though Shelly is a blundering twat when I ask for her help with it, she just stands there and STARES at the washing line. Knob. :P

In one of our mad moments, we were trying to work out who had the biggest mouth - and naturally, I thought the best way to work this out would be to see how far my fist fitted into my mouth, then how far it fitted into hers. I tried it, but I pushed too hard on her throat and I felt her gag reflex - and she was a little bit sick on my hand. When I pulled it out, there were chunks of pizza on my knuckles. It was so fucking gross. :)
I have a phobia of vomit, so this lead to me legging it to the bathroom, holding my left fist at arm's length - then scrubbing away at it OCD-style. :)

Shelly is so self-doubting and gullible.
We were attempting challenges on Guitar Hero 5 - mainly the band challenges that prove easier with less people, and less bodge-ups from dopey Ash. One of the challenges was a simple "hit a 300 note streak" - and Shelly didn't think she'd managed it. I knew that she had - so I made a handshake bet with her - if she had, she had to lick my arse-crack. :)

And naturally, she got fucked over. Her face when the scores, percentages and note streaks came up was hilarious - it was the proper 'blush-whimper-hide-face-in-hands'. :D
But then she had to be a slag and try and kiss me with her befouled tongue - which was kinda yucky - but I did secretley enjoy being pinned to my bed. :)

Then we had a mooch through some of my old videos on my external harddrive - just proving to Shelly how much of a knob I was when I was 15. And we shared out some Petits Filous yoghurts - though I nabbed the vanilla one, because they're epic. So Shelly decided she'd be a slag and wipe the lids of hers on my nose. Gah.

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In today's "coursework research and planning" lesson for Media Studies - I'd announced to Sarah I'd just about finished off the script for the Spieluhr music video - so I said I'd be working on the script for my film sequence for Film Studies. She didn't seem to mind - so I got around 1/3 of it written.
Last night I'd had a dream about it, which had given me a fair few ideas - involving a young Abigail scene. I'd originally planned to have a young Abigail bit in our trailer last year - but we hadn't been able to pull it off. This time though, I sent a message to my aunty on Facebook, asking if I could borrow her kids - and mam had asked on my behalf too - so whenever we're ready to film it, I have my little cousin Lauren to help out as young Abigail (it helps that she looks a little bit like me) and Nelly to play the role of a bloody Brandon Henry - if he doesn't mind being dragged backwards down a path, spreading blood everywhere of course. :)

I actually don't hate English now anywhere near as much as I used to.
The start of the course was so tedious - but I'm actually starting to realise all the work I did last year at AS has rendered the A2 so much easier. A lot of it is simply applying your common sense and flinging in some theorist names. And of course, Angela gets us to draw baby heads and gingerbread men - and everything is colour coded. Being a visual style learner (or so they told me), this apparently helps. :D

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Shelly had promised me that when I went into college to get this HPV cervical cancer jab - she'd come in with me and hold my hand.
We had to go there before 2 - and I waited for her IN PLAIN VIEW on the tables by the clock tower entrance. I waited until 1:30 before I gave up - I went in to get the needle by myself.

I was reasonably composed up until I was about a metre away from the door.
I couldn't stop myself crying for long. Shelly wasn't there to comfort me or to hold my hand like she said she would have been. The only comfort I had was from these dozy AS students who asked me like the stupidest question ever: "Are you scared?"

And then the fucking nurse who gave me the needle was a cunt and a half. She saw the cuts and scars on my arms and asked: "Do you have a cat or a dog who scratches your arms?"
I lied, taking the chance and said simply: "Yeah."
She looked at them again and said: "They're not a cat or a dog, are they?"
I shook my head and answered: "Nope."
She gave me this proper weird look and said: "Is there something you want to tell me?"
I glared at her and said straight: "No."

So naturally when I went up to Photography - dozy Shelly was there, she said she'd been looking for me - well clearly she hadn't been looking fucking hard enough.
I was all set to punch her for lying to me - but the needle had scared me into crying - and because it's so difficult to let myself cry for all the other reasons, I sort of used it as an excuse to cry about other things - so she was sort of lumbered with me soaking her hoodie for a while.

And that's the first needle of THREE.
For fuck's sake!

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This depression lapse is really starting to piss me off.
Whatever I feel though, it's doubled, perhaps even tripled when I'm at college. Because when I'm at home, I don't stand the risk of being bullied or being judged - even the comments mam makes aren't as bad as the ones I'd get at college. Yes, my mam does have the power to make me want to instantly want to cut myself, but when I'm at college - I don't have my chance to slink off and do so. Even if I do carry around my staple remover or a blade with me, it's only a comfort - it's never really safe to use it in college. It's there for emergencies though, if I ever do need it that badly.

Media Studies kicked off the day by depressing me. Mondays are coursework "planning" and "researching" lessons. I've already researched my chosen topic. I know so much about Rammstein, having been a die-hard fan for 5 years and completing 3 educational projects on them beforehand. I've already planned my production. 3/4 of the script is written and all the location, camera and costume notes are saved. I still haven't discussed it fully with Ash... I am really scared of her response. I never like to share ideas with Ash. Even if she doesn't reject them - I always think she's resenting her agreement, either that or she's biting her tongue. Fair enough, Ash is virtually perfect - in every area that I'm not, anyway...

In my break, I ate a bag of cheddar and onion McCoys, a sausage bun and drank 3/4 of a bottle of water. I'd forgotten to bring my bottle out of the fridge, so I ended up buying them. Finally though, water is economically priced in college. Bottled water should be no more than 50p.

English was cancelled - and we were supposed to find slagface Sue to give us our work - but we couldn't find her. So after hanging about for a pointless 20 minutes and resenting talking to the rest of the arseholes who were waiting with me - except Sefeena of course, she's sound - I went back downstairs. I couldn't be arsed going in the LRC, so I ended up listening to Lisa and playing the odd few games of Solitaire.

I'd wanted to do something today, but I didn't end up doing it.
I wanted to write a letter, sort of - basically a confessional letter adressed to mainly Shelly, but would have areas relevent to maybe Ash and Adam. Basically outlining how I feel right now.
This depression lapse is the worst one I've had yet - but what's pissing me off the most is the fact I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAUSED IT...

When Shelly came, we weren't excactly close. She was holding my hand and trying to console me, but I refused to kiss her or cuddle up to her. She thought it was because it was her - but it wasn't. I wasn't in the mood to show affection full stop. I didn't care that we were in college - I'm starting to get over my sexuality. Well, I was never uncomfortable with it anyway. I wouldn't care if I groped Shelly's boobs and snogged her face off infront of a crowd of 50,000 - I just can't understand why people use the word "lesbian" as an insult.
I can understand them calling me "fat" as an insult, because being fat isn't exactly a good thing. It's a danger to your health - but being a lesbian isn't.

I ended up shouting at her in Photography because she fucked me off. She did her usual trick of treating me like I'm stupid. Reality check for her - I have three A* grades, she doesn't have any.
And what annoyed me the most was that it was over the most trivial of things - she didn't think I knew that the fact I was mashing the F5 button caused the page to reset.
WELL FUCKING NOR. I'D REALLY SIT THERE AND MASH A RANDOM BUTTON HOPING SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN.

So she went to the other side of the room. Didn't bother me none, I had Lisa.
Paul came over - but I was deliberatley rude to him. When he started talking about my ideas, my responses were the usual, but my tone said differently.
I hate getting ideas now. The problem is - they're all fucking mint - but they're all going to be either wasted, or not used to their full potential - and the results will turn out shit.

I bought a new sketchbook - fucking beasty A3 one - and that was a cunt to carry back to the bus station.
I did about 3/4 of the first page - writing an epic introductory wankery paragraph.
(I seem to do a lot of things 3/4 today.)

Although now I'm home, I still feel depressed - but nowhere near as bad as I was all day.
The bruise from Tuesday has proper come up. It's huge. It's like 5 inches wide - and it's bright yellow. Mam made the comment: "well you have big calves, so it must be a big bruise" - well nor, I'd look a bit stupid being a size 18, 13-14 stone and having SMALL CALVES to compare to a rounded body. Stupid cow.