Missing @ MindSay 
love
"I wish I could scream out loud, that I love you. I wish I could say to you, don't go..."
And I know that no one has understood this yet. Why it hurts so much, why I can't believe in love. Why I can't trust my feelings any more. Because they say I will love again. Well, I might feel love again. But nothing has felt that right. And it hurts that anyone assumes they know what it's like if they're telling me to get over it.
Everything just feels like a lie. Without him, it feels wrong. I feel like I'm betraying him. Even though he's not mine, he still feels like mine. And I've been in love many times.
And of course, whenever it's over before you want it to be, you feel sad, and it doesn't feel right. But this time...
You just can't believe how right it felt, and still feels. Such a strong comfort, that we made love the second night after meeting. And it wasn't passionate, it wasn't in any heat of a moment...
It was gentle, and comfortable, and slow, and romantic. It was the most right thing I ever felt, being so close to him. Love has felt good, but nothing has ever felt this right.
And part of me still believes that we met for a reason. That we made love, and it meant something. And that maybe right now isn't the time, but that we'll find each other again, and will be together. I know... it sounds so silly. And my skeptism and pessimism says that's ridiculous. But I can't shake that belief. It felt too right to be wrong.
No one ever made me so happy. Nothing's ever made me hurt so much...
Now I think about ways to kill myself, every day. There's a window that could be so easy. I have pills, but it might not be guaranteed. There's trucks, but I might not die, either. I figure the window is the easiest and most certain... I almost did one night. But I texted my friend and he made me stay with him.
I just don't believe in love. I used to think everything happened for a reason, but there's been no reason for this. He just decided he didn't love me anymore. I didn't cheat on him, I didn't treat him badly, he said it had nothing to do with me. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? I know bad things happen, but what am I to learn from this? Besides not to believe. To never trust my feelings again.
If you have any comments about you having gone through this and you got over it, you can shove it. : D
This is what I'm working on right now. It should be easy, but it's not. I've been through a lot of trials and tribulations in my life and I'm still not humble. So, now I'm trying to do it deliberately. It's not anywhere as easy as that paragraph makes it sound.
Since this is my first blog, I suppose that now is as good of a time as any for introductions. I'm Elly, I turn 32 next month, I'm polyamorous, and I'm a hermeticist. I write poetry. I'd tell you more, but that's pretty much all I really know about myself. I guess that's where the evaluation and introspection in the first paragraph come in.
Right now, I'm really missing my Jonathan. It's hard enough that he lives in Ohio anyhow, but right now he's in New York and our 'calls time' is cut off for the week. He's my Heart and my best friend. I promised him I'd write him a letter while he was gone, but I can't think of anything new to say in it. My life is fairly mundane, at least in my opinion. He'll have all this neat stuff to tell me from his trip and all I've got to tell him is my struggles with trying to master calcination.
I'm also watching my other primary partner, John, read a book right now. He's got the MP3 player going. It's loud enough that I can almost make out the words. He's reading Skin Trade by Laurell K. Hamilton again. He's so absorbed that I don't think he knows that I'm watching him. I'm going to tell him to try to call his Dad again in a moment.
I guess that's all for now. I'll probably write more later, at least that's my intent.
June 2, 2009
The fact that I just dated this entry ‘April 2’ and then didn’t see why that was wrong shows just how much I DON’T believe it is now June. What? Where did this year go? Unbelievable.
I went on a field trip today. Not on purpose; totally unexpected, actually. The 5th graders are currently all (minus E) on a bus coming back from the Bronx Zoo, and I almost got to go with them, but then there were no seats. Mega-bummed. But I read the daily this morning, and saw that the 6th grade had this thing called, “Project Safeguard”. So I went to Larry, the 6th grade teacher, to clarify what that meant, if they went to the MS or if the MS came to them, and what time they were going, because I work with 2 6th graders in the PM. He tells me that it’s an all day trip, leaving at 9 (5 minutes from the conversation), and oh yeah, A is supposed to be going, too. He’s registered and everything. NO ONE TELLS US ANYTHING.
Not a terrible day. He did pretty well at breakfast and with the half-hour keynote speaker, though we needed to go on a 5-7 minute walk. I was okay with that. NOT okay with him pulling gum out from under the table and playing with it/attempting to eat it, OR the fact that I had to hold someone else’s chewed gum in my hand to keep him from doing so. BLECH. What a strange part of the job that was. Then we went to cooperative activities in the gym.
Liz the lifeguard was one of the women running it. For a change, she was nice to me. Maybe now that she’s seen me as a ‘grownup’ and not a counselor at camp, she likes me? Who knows. Either way, A did a good job except for a few minutes when he was ‘too hot’ and the like. I got him back up, and overall, he had some fun. The issue came when we went to our second workshop, Aikido martial arts. WHO SIGNED HIM UP FOR MARTIAL ARTS?!?! WTF!?!? This is a big boy, who has no patience, supremely under-developed fine AND gross motor skills… someone set him up for failure. We didn’t even make it through the stretches. He kept SCREAMING out in pain, begging for the torture to stop, gave up, laying on the grass… and meanwhile, non-BSE 6th graders were there, and they didn’t know him or what to expect or what to do, so they either stared, gave dirty looks, or snickered. I’m so nervous for him to be there next year; those kids, and the older ones…are going to eat him alive. Awful. It actually makes me sick thinking about it. Why do we have to make a huge deal out of people’s weirdnesses? Why do they matter? Why do we think it’s okay to laugh at someone in that way?
After we left martial arts, we ran into Dot, the amazing woman who schedules pretty much every program throughout the district, and she told us about this Math Mania place we could go because it wasn’t populated. He did pretty well there, playing some logic game and trying to build a tower out of marshmallows and toothpicks. Lunch went okay; some more looks from those who do not know A as well as the rest of us, but overall, not so bad. I got to see Kyle P, Sam O, Sklyar (who is HUGE now; holy cow, he might be 7 feet tall, easily 6'5!), and some others who I know. On our way to his last thing after lunch, which Skylar was helping to lead (it was a Q&A session), I ran into Ben Chase’s long-haired friend I met a few weeks ago. Forgot his name, but while A was in the bathroom, he provided acceptable conversation. Then A’s meeting proved to be too boring, so we left the room (twice!) and I found Dot to tell her we were probably going to call Parker to come get us, but she said no and got Robin P to take us instead. Rest of day was eh; he had a tantrum against SS, and E had a little bit of an attitude, but overall, good afternoon. Then on my walk home at 3:50, I got accosted by D! We talked for a good 20 minutes, and it was really nice; I love him. I hope he’s back soon, even if it isn’t this week like he wants.
On my walk to work today, I saw Zoom (Tenzin). I usually see her waiting for her bus, but today we were in town at the same time, so we walked and talked a bit, and I didn’t like her a few summers ago, but she’s grown up quite a bit, and I enjoyed our talk together. Then during my walk with A around the building, we found the trophy case and the plaques of talent passed. And there they were; 3 or 4 little silver markings with Sam’s name on them. That was hard; seeing his name, knowing I was in his old school, knowing that the locker A was fidgeting with might have once upon a time been home to his books. Lord, unfair how much I miss you, Sammy. I really do feel and see you all around me.
Usually I don't post something that's not very commentable, but I just want to rant about my day. It was bad, as usual, to begin.
I woke up at 7:06am( my bus comes at 7:15). I got ready in 4 minutes, because my boyfriend is grounded off of the phone and internet until friday, since tuesday ( he usually calls me at 6:30).
Of course on the bus, the pop music of C100 ( which I absolutely cannot stand!!) is on so loud I can hear it with my music to it's loudest...
I get to school, I have to take off my music as usual, cause there's a dumb rule that we can't have it in class...
I have no looseleaf, dropped all of my stuff.
We're let out late for recess, so by the time I get in line and get my snack, it's time to go. Someone pulls out my headphones as they pass me..
I head back to french class and I have to continue reading, which is a waste of time because I forgot the book I'm going to do my report on.. I can't even read I'm so pissed.
I calm down a bit when we go to the computer lab, I got my two problems of the week done, and started my bonus work. I felt happy 'cause it was productive, and less I have to do at home.
At lunch, someone ahead of me takes the last crispy caesar salad...RARR!! I'm still hungry 'cause everthing's so expensive, I have no money to buy anything more.
Come back to my locker, and crispy minis all fell out into my bag.. take everything out and shake it out in the garbage can. Put my stuff back in and head down to gym. Gym is my worst class.. I hate it.
Good point though, is that I was appreciated by someone who doesn't really like me, when I noticed their hat on the floor, and brought it down for them :). We played basketball, which wasn't too bad. I played with the best people I could, all guys, who I feel most comfortable with. I think they enjoied me being there, and the one who doesn't like me, didn't wanto to switch teams, and I was on his. I tried my best at it. I'm usually not very good at basketball, and I don't know what to do, but this was only 3 on 3 and it was kind of fun.
I got home, and as I was checking emails I found one from my boyfriend. It's good and bad news because, his parents think that he was on the phone, so we're not going to talk until tomorrow, and good just because I was happy to make communication with him, for a little bit, even if it's indirect. Then he came on msn for a short bit, which I was quite happy about as well.
Right now I'm doing what I always do- mindsay, msn and listening to music. I'm leaving after this post thought because I have to shower and eat before I go to Theatre. I'm volunteering helping with the play. I also better check my laundry from last night- just remembered...shit.
Well that's really all I've got to say. I hopefully get to see George this weekend. Next weekend is my other friend's birthday party, which I hope to go to, but it's my dad's weekend so I'm not sure. I can probably- hopefully- arrange something with him. He lets me switch weekends if I'm doing something with a friend, but we might have to partly lie because he wouldn't approve of me going to my boyfriend's for the night:P
So I have to go for now. Talk to y'all later.
...Which I did today, after being 60 days without.
It's just been...too much. And no one seems to care, or understand. Or they just say it's nothing...or don't have time.
No one really knows me. Maybe I haven't let anyone know me, but I think it's also that all those that did know me, have gone away. And that hurts a lot. And people say "well make new friends" and shit. Well it's not that easy. And they always seem to go away.
Always. They leave. And I just don't want to bother anymore.
Link to my medhelp is in my bookmarks, in case you wanted to see.
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