Miserable @ MindSay

Hey everyone.. I'm new to Mindsay. I was just browsing and found this site, and I felt obligated to join, because there's so much I want to say, and it seems like no one is listening.

Over the past few years I've had a lot of problems with my health. For the longest, it seemed like I was in the hospital every three months. I had my gall blatter removed and it's been downhill ever since. When all my health problems started, I was in a relationship with a girl that I would've died for. We dated at least three years, and I didn't see us ever seperating. We practically spent every day together.

It seemed like once my health started to fail me, everything else in my life went sour. My parents divorced soon after and that took a toll on our whole family, because my father is disabled and we knew how hard things would be on him making it alone. I sit and wonder why my life has turned out for the worst every step of the way, but the more I think about it, the worse I feel. Thats why I'm here. No one reads my blogs on Myspace, and I honestly don't think anyone cares whats going on in my life- but for the ones who do take the time to read this... I hope you can understand my pain.

After my parents seperated and I kept getting sick, my relationship with "her" started to strain. I don't know why. I cherished her more than I did my own life. She would come every other day and see me during my weeklong stays in the hospital and thats what kept me strong. I was scared. I'd never been sick like that before, and I really appreciated her being there for me. But things changed...

Once I was released from the hospital, things felt awkward between us. I could see it in her eyes, I just can't explain what it is that I saw. She didn't look at me the same way. I felt like a freak. I was on all of these medications, and half the time wasn't in my right mind due to these meds, and we finally split up shortly after. Ever since then, I've had no self esteem whatsoever. She made me feel worthless. To be with me for so long, just to seperate like this?.. I felt as if she was ashamed of me... Therefore.. I was ashamed of myself. I fell into a downward spiral. I lost all interest in all the things I loved to do, and I honestly wanted to die. I felt dead already.

To this day, I haven't had another girlfriend. I haven't tried to get one. Because of how she made me feel. She made me feel like a piece of trash, just thrown out like yesterdays newspaper. I feel inadequate. I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. My health prevents me from ever holding down a steady job, so not only am I nothing, I have nothing to offer any one who decides to be part of my life. But I shouldn't have to have money and jewelry, and a sweet ride to feel normal. Material things like that are the reason people are so shallow and cold. I don't want to be alone.. But as long as the world decides your worth by what you have to give, I suppose I'll be worthless for a long time. I have a heart of gold, but inside it's dark and cold. Waiting for some one to free me from this hell I've created for myself.

Thanks for your time. I'll post more in the future.

I know I'm dating myself, but does anyone remember that segment on "Hee Haw" where they'd sing that song, "Gloom, Despair and Agony on Me"? This song appropriately describes how I feel. I feel like absolute shit. This flu is kicking my ass!

This is why I hate life, hate my parents, and I fucking hate the world!!

In 4th grade, my mom showed up one day after school and told me to turn my books in. We were going home and I was never going to go back. I never got to say goodbye to any of my friends or anything. We just... disappeared. My mom told me I didn't need friends. I didn't need to talk to people. So, she put me in the house and locked me up. No more friends. No more social contact. Just all alone.

A few months after that, we moved. We lived in a beautiful mansion - it was just wonderful. I guess we just... spent too much money on shit and we had just too many medical bills to pay off, and we just sortof went broke. So now we live in a completely white-trash home. It only has like 7 rooms in it and I have to sleep in the attic. The basement is solid mold, it smells like cat piss(not because of our cats, it was like this before), smells like pee, it's right next to two bars, it's right in front of a park, and so yeah. We do not have a yard - front or back, at all, and it's way over-priced for a piece of shit like this. There's no kids anywhere, and I hate it.

Soon after we moved, I started taking riding lessons. I met new friends there and it was great - I had a blast while it lasted. I bought a horse, and things were going good. I even got a boyfriend - at this time, I'm not sure if we're still together or not. But I'm pretty sure we're not. My mom was MAD. She still is. She didn't want me to have friends or even to talk to people.

So, in April, on Easter Sunday, we moved my horse  to another barn. I HATE IT! Purposely, she made sure there were no kids there, and that nobody came down there at night. She thought for sure this would stop my social contact. It didn't. I still went on dates, went to horse shows, hung out with the kids. Good summer. Thanks to my dad - he's the one that made it all possible. Over time though I guess it just got old. We all got in a fight and the only one I had left was my boyfriend and my horse... if my horse even counts.

Lately my mom changed BIG TIME. She was never really all right in the head, but still. All lately she's been waking up, complaining, beating on me, cussing me out 24/7, telling me all the reasons why I can't have friends and blah blah blah. The worst thing, though, she took Alex away from me. I'd hate to call it love... but all I know is that I loved him more than I loved my mom or dad - ever. I won't go into detail of what she did, I just can't stand to type it out all over again. I fucking hate her the worst for this, though. He was the only one who understood me. The only one who treated me nicely. The only one who showed me a good time. The only one to make me feel loved. The only one to ever make me feel better about life. The only one to make me feel like there wasn't anything bad in the world. And now he's just... gone. Out of my life. Thanks to my mom.

Now I'm all alone. Just sitting here. On my computer. All day. Being depressed. Worrying about things I can't list. Wanting to die. Getting beat. Getting cussed out every waking moment. Getting screamed at.

When things like that happen, I still get scared. My body turns numb, I start shaking, I try so hard not to cry as she'll get even madder, but I just can't stand not to. I always feel as if my mom is going to just kill me one day. To get me out of her life.

Although, I do I want to kill myself so bad. Just the thought of it excites me - it makes me happy.

I want to kill myself in front of a crowd of people. A huge crowd. I want my parents to watch. I want to be on the news. I want to be noticed for once in my life. I want to die in an extreme way. An amazing way. A mysterious way.