Mind Over Matter @ MindSay

Its funny how people think of men. Being a self proclaimed lesbian with little interest in either sex, (It kept the riffraff down) I'm now starting to focus on what sexuality i might have. While its just a label that doesnt matter, I've realized this is something thats going to come up, and in my head, that makes it something worth contemplating.

 

The kind of man I want to be with is warm, and huggable, filled with smiles. Someone kinda like me, but minus the Manic Depression. Or else one of us will be dead. Messily.

 

For no apparent reason, I'm engaged to someone in World of Warcraft, and he's a honey. I'm kinda wondering, what would he really be like. This fascination with a unique example of the sex caused me to have a vivid dream, and the emotions i felt during it have haunted me all through working hours and further sleeping. My existence has become polluted with thoughts about my ideal partner.

 

Now, I must admit... I have a fondness for women, but i havent met one i could stand in a relationship. Most of the lesbians I've met and flirted with werent very forward. A relationship with them would make me the leader. Unfortunately I dont want that kind of relationship. I want equal partnership. These women... Just. Were.... Well. They werent going to take control and i like control, but i hate being stuck with someone with no decisions. Besides, there was great sexual chemistry, but being the women they were, the novelty of the chemistry would have worn off enough for us to realize that there was nothing there but sex.

 

Yes, i understand, the kind of relationship i have in my head is near impossible... But. I'm trying to make senseof it.

The worst part is that this person is taking up my thoughts, because of a dream i had. I've asked the fates of the universe for help, and Now i'm treating my Bipolar. Now i've asked them for clarity because i needed love and support (companionship) and they are giving me dreams, they are giving me good, solid loving people. Only I fear them. The people they are giving for they strike my heart close. But i want to get to know this man that has so beguiled me and infected my dreams, polluting my thoughts.

 

He may live several hours away... but we'll see where this goes....

 

 

 

 

I gave it another 5 minutes --originally the name of this was "Thanx"
I think I may just call it Najila.


This is stage two --tomorrow I'll add the bright fushia and purple glow.



This is Sunny who left us not too long ago.  Stage 1 WIP.  He is with a Goddess :-)

Tomorrow I may go visiting in the old hood; something I haven't done in a while.  I've got a few quick errands to run and so forth.  I'm trying to hold tight to this so called relaxation and I'm hoping my toothache will be gone by next weekend at work.  My eye is raw from tearing 24/7 since the last onset of tooth pain.  I keep saying mind over matter, but I mind, and it is starting to matter to an extreme.  When it's a toothache,  that is the main thing going on in your life.  It's one pain that is hard to block out.  I'm trying though as an oral surgeon is out until next year.  Dr tichenor, peroxide, ibuprofen, and naproxen sodium are my best chums right now.  I've unsuccessfully, already attempted the home surgery thing.

Okay, the sacred writings continue.  Let me first say the non profit has entered a new place in the process.  It is now at a place were sales and donations are needed to keep it alive. We are talking with a distributer for placement of the sauce, which could be quite helpful in staying solvent.  So please join me in helping the sacred works project become a reality by lending your material support,  Let your local health food store know about the sauce, ask them to carry it. Buy a bottle and spread the word.  And of course, any and all donations are tax deductible and very welcome.  Donations will be used to bring our first sacred project, the healing sauce called Mamas Fire into reality.

What follows is a teaching I received in the process of making the sauce.  I share it with you all today.  This is the moon teaching may it benefit all beings without one exception.

First let me tell you how I got to the place where the causes and conditions could come together to bring this understanding into my mind stream.  I had been working with a new mantra that came out of my practice of the prajna paramita.  The mantra that came forward as I practiced the traditional practice for understanding emptiness was this, OM SHARI BODHI SAGARA SWAHA.  It translates from Sanskrit to OM the whole of space the universal ground of everything.  SHARI, here is an offering I give to you understanding that I will receive nothing in return and that the giver and receiver are one.  BODHI, the fundamental nature of kindness the energy that comes from giving a gift that is needed freely and having it completely received and appreciated for what it is, the nature of the Buddha’s mind and heart.  SWAHA, so be it.  This is the mantra that is said over each batch of the hot sauce to infuse it with the healing properties of bodhicitta.

            The mantra first came as I did repetitions of the prajna paramita mantra, OM GATE GATE PARA GATE PARA SAM GATE BODHI SWAHA.  It came in English first and then in Sanskrit.  In English I heard oceans of Bodhi, Bodhi Sagara Bodhi and with it I saw the visualization of offering to all the beings in the universe who are spirit workers oceans of Bodhi so that they may have all they need to do their work.  The visualization grew to all beings good or bad as I came to understand that it was this energy of kindness this golden honey light of mind that heals all wounds and is what everyone desires no matter how confused they may be.  And so my practice went on until I finally understood the depth of the dakini teachings.  I understood that in fact all of the confused beings; all of the horrors that rest in the alaya of mind are actually bodhisattva’s of the feminine lineage.  They are kind enough to hold all of the horror so that it may be seen and worked with, embraced and loved.  That the act of holding whatever is asked of them is the ultimate in kindness.  So, I began to offer each of these beings oceans of bodhicitta that they might be given the means to heal the horrors they held and be free to bring about a kind and interconnected world, a kingdom where all who lived with in it may be happy, free of habitual patterns and inspired with passion to build wonderful monuments to enlightened mind.

            This was the ground for my experience.  I sat in a car with my wife, my step daughter and her friend.  At the same moment, I touched my wife’s hand and felt how much I loved her, I looked at the full moon and it struck me that the most potent practice there is for a man to do to realize enlightened mind, is also the furthest away in the dark ages we live in.  It is that of honoring the feminine with love with real love, bodhicitta love.  I saw in that moment that just as the sun shines on the moon so that it may shine down on us during the night time hours, so will the mind which is so willing to hold and create any pattern we give it, shine like a blazing fire if we honor it with this kind of love. 

It is so simple and yet how to do it.  I can only share with you my own path to this place and a mantra powerful enough to meet all the darkness in the human experience and transform it as the alchemist’s of old, into the gold of loving kindness.  If you have read these two pages then you have received what I have to offer and only have in front of you the process of training your mind to work with said mantra.  To focus your tool of mindfulness and bring about the awareness so that you may focus the true energy of love on each experience that comes into your mind stream.  This is my practice and teaching for this life time, there may be more but for now may this free all beings and bring them the lives of love and happiness that they all deserve.   

the following is a drawn out rambling of my heart and mind which is crying to be heard and understood...sorry if it makes no sense;  had to get it out of my system somehow...:-)

 

here goes:

 

i am experiencing the threat of my imagination.  my mind likes to wonder everywhere it may, from the dark corners of the hidden parts o fmy life all the way to the wide open fairytale portions of my life.  i have come to the conclusions that one must be in charge of their own fairytale by giving up the rights to any say.  makes no sense, i know, but to me i can now see that there is Someone watching over me. whatever He decides to send my way i will take on and conquer if it be in this story of my life He has begun to write.  now to give my life and my plans to Him as clay to be molded and made into whatever He will have.  not only does He know what is best, He wants me to HAVE the very best.

 

sometimes what we think is best is worst, and what we think is worst is best.
sometimes we get sidetracked so very easily. this flesh of mine is holding me captive. all these temptations of lust, selfishness, and other distractions have come to bite me in the butt...now it is up to me to change my goals and my desires, or to get rid of these distractions. what to do is up in the air, except for in my heart of hearts i know what must be done...

 

INTERUPTION;-): cam just called. im going to "lunch". yay for freedom from this silent house with my screaming mind. be back soon to finish.

 

ok, im back. i am now at my grandparents house, and my mind has calmed.  finally i feel at peace about some issues. i know what must be done no matter how painful it might be, and i know what i mustn't do no matter how easy it would be for a time.  thanks for lunch cameron, i needed it. i am going to miss you when you leave, but until then i will enjoy your company and your advise. 

 

i think this is the longest blog ive had in some while, so before i get too deep into theory i must quite.

much love to you all, and may God be with you always.

 

good luck,

 

Godspeed

 

~Bethany~

 

 

 

Never mind, it doesn't matter. Words don't matter and people's feelings don't matter.....why even blog at all? They're just words. Silly meaningless words. Empty words.  Well here are some words:

 

 

FUCK OFF!

 

See ya'll when I see ya'll.