Metal @ MindSay

1. The more obscure the better
2. Hearing Metallica's cover of "Am I Evil?" does not make you a NWOBHM fan
3. Without Diamond Head, there would be no Metallica
4. Without NWOBHM, there would be no Thrash
5. Constantly complain that Thrash "killed off" NWOBHM; while secretly liking Thrash
6. When someone asks you what NWOBHM stands for, tell them something like "the best genre of music, ever." Make sure they still don't understand what it means.
7. Iron Maiden after "Killers" is not NWOBHM
8. Complain that Iron Maiden "stole" Bruce Dickinson from Samson, while praising him for his work in IM
9. Dress like you're from the 80s, this includes long unkempt hair, ripped jeans, ripped denim jackets with obscure band patches and an even more obscure band t-shirt
10. Pagan Altar are gods amongst men, this is unarguable
11. Def Leppard really really suck! (Apart from their debut)
12. When forming your own NWOBHM "tribute" band, record your album in the key of A
13. In fact, record your whole career in A
14. Make sure at least one song has the main riff lifted from "2 Minutes to Midnight"
15. Which was CLEARLY a rip-off from "Welcome to Hell" by Venom anyway
16. Ballads must have a clean picked intro, a crushing middle section, followed by a fast outro
17. Only write songs about sex, drugs and rock n roll...
18. And the Devil
19. Never down tune your guitars, ever (unless you're Venom)
20. You're not Venom and never will be
21. Bad production values are a MUST, if it's highly produced, it's not NWOBHM
22. Spend exactly £5.35 on producing your album
23. Did I mention the more obscure, the better?
24. Constantly complain that band X "should've made it big"
25. Complain about bands making it big and going commercial
26. Kevin Heyborne is a living legend, even if he can't keep a stable Angel Witch line-up for more than 5 seconds
27. Two words: WITCHFINDER GENERAL
28. Track down every demo, EP and single of your favourite NWOBHM band; go as far as contacting a former member and conducting an interview with him.
30. Start up a Neo-NWOBHM band...
31. But realize your only fans will probably be in Germany and/or Sweden...
32. And you can't afford to move there...
33. Nor would you want to because then you wouldn't be NWOBHM
34. Major record companies are evil; they killed off every NWOBHM act
35. Only sign with small independent record companies...
36. Or Neat
37. Brian Ross is your idol
38. Anything past 1986 isn't real metal....
39. Unless it's a NWOBHM reunion
40. Deliberately spell your band name wrong: substitute vowels for consonants (mainly y's) e.g. Tygers of Pan Tang, Tytan, Phyne Thanquz, etc
41. Name your band something completely irrelevant to the subject matter you sing about, e.g. Satan
42. Worship Diamond Head, daily, if necessary
43. Talk to mainstream metal fans about your favorite obscure NWOBHM act and tell them they're better than anyone they say (which is right, right?)
44. NWOBHM is the only genre that bad songwriting is acceptable
45. When recording your "live" album (keep in mind rule 21 and 22), dub in a few of your mates drunkenly shouting after every song has finished
46. Constantly remind people that Garage Inc. is far inferior to the original songs (especially the Diamond Head and Blitzkrieg covers)
47. Release your demo as a sleeveless 7" only make 500 copies; that way it'll be obscure enough to be classified as NWOBHM
48. Go to every NWOBHM reunion concert ever, even if they are held only in Germany and/or Sweden
49. High pitched vocals are a must. This is non-negotiable, unless you're Venom (see rule 20)
50. Keyboards are optional, keyboard solos however, are not
51. Never keep the same line-up for more than one single/demo/EP. Fire someone if you have to...
52. It'll probably be the drummer anyway
53. Motorhead and Judas Priest are not NWOBHM...
54. But they're pretty kickass nonetheless
55. To put your band in good light, tell people you used to perform at the Soundhouse, even if you weren't born in the 60s/70s...
56. They'd probably never find out anyway
57. NEVER under any circumstances give up on your quest for obscurity, no matter how far you dig, there will ALWAYS be a more obscure band out there (see rule 1)
58. Scorn Metallica for stealing Diamond Head's glory...
59. Even though they played together on at least one occasion
60. Lars Ulrich is an ass
61. Barry "Thuderstick" Graham isn't
62. Track down all of Bruce Dickinson's early recordings with Speed, Xero etc...
63. Even though they are pretty average at best
64. In NWOBHM, women are acceptable band members unlike that homo-erotic Thrash malarkey....
65. Keeping in mind rule 12, record a really heavy and fast song in the key of E...
66. Make it a B-side of a lightweight melodic rock song recorded in A...
67. The A-side is intended to get "recognized"
68. Getting recognized and becoming mainstream is not NWOBHM
69. Urchin are not NWOBHM but Dave Murray and Adrian Smith played in them so it's okay
70. There's much more to Holocaust than just "The Small Hours" but their version was better than Metallica's
71. Their version of "Master of Puppets" is also better than Metallica's
72. Bass MUST be audible, but keep in mind rules 21 and 22
73. Twin guitars are a must, this is essential...
74. Unless you're Venom (see rule 20)
75. Record a load of demos, stuff them in a box, break the band up and wait 20 years until "finding" them again, release them as "The Complete Anthology"
76. Instead of recommending the more known NWOBHM bands to interested friends, show them your collection of obscure 7" singles and demo tapes, tell them "you can look but not touch"...
77. No, you haven't listened to them either.
78. The NWOBHM Encyclopaedia by Malc McMillan is your bible...
79. You have it by your bedside table and read it every night
80. Owning a few Iron Maiden albums does not make you NWOBHM...
81. Even if they are self titled and Killers
82. Track down your favorite NWOBHM bands elusive out of print "second album"
83. Realize it's crap, but keep in anyway because you just shelled out 100quid for it on eBay
84. Following rule 83, debut albums are ALWAYS a NWOBHM band's best work, this is unarguable
85. You thought I was going to say "unless you're Venom" didn't you?
86. Venom's debut IS their best work, period
87. And possibly the worst produced album, ever
88. Re-release all your albums "remastered" with all your demos and EPs tacked on the end
89. Your debut album must be raw and frantic; your sophomore album must be either hair metal or AOR
90. Your album and/or single cover must be a black and white sketch done by your mate who does art in college (part time, of course) of either your band, the Grim Reaper, skulls, or some valiant warrior on horseback
91. Don't sing about the Grim Reaper, skulls, or some valiant warrior on horseback
92. Following rules 65 and 66, record a cheesy ballad with synthesizers, make it 9 minutes long and release the lot as an EP
93. Paul DiAnno is still cool even if he was fired from Iron Maiden and done precisely nothing since then
94. To preserve your legacy, DON'T record an album, just singles, demos and EP's, this will ensure your place in the NWOBHM hall of fame...
95. After that see rule 75
96. Record all your material in your front room or garage
97. Paradoxically, foreign members are allowed in NWOBHM bands, hell, even full foreign bands can be classified as NWOBHM as long as they played at least one gig in London during the 80s
98. Progressive elements ARE allowed in NWOBHM, unlike that boring Thrash malarkey...
99. Thrash is actually really really cool, even if it is American
100. Remember kids, the more obscure the band, the better they are!
101. Don't take this list too seriously

1. Be violent.
2. Be aggressive.
3. Show hate.
4. If you can't show hate, show some anger.
5. But not St. Anger.
6. You are forbidden to show emotions.
7. Well, you can show anger.
8. But not St. Anger.
9. Never, ever, under any circumstances smile. Smiling is gay.
10. Thus, Anthrax is the gayest band ever.
11. Sing about killing, raping, torturing and destroying people.
12. Have no courage for even killing an ant.
13. Old-School thrash is the only thrash.
14. Comeback albums are not.
15. Don't be James Hetfield.
16. Don't be Dave Mustaine.
17. DON'T listen to punk, punk is gay.
18. Secretly, listen to the Misfits.
19. Hate new bands, old-school thrash is the only thrash.
20. Hate crossovers, old-school thrash is the only thrash.
21. If you run out of ideas, remember: life sucks, goverment sucks, you reject this fucking place, you despise this fucking race.
22. No matter if you are 15, say that you remember seeing those news about the death of Cliff Burton.
23. Say that you cried.
24. Aha!
25. 80's were the best time for thrash, try to be born in the 60's-70's to release your best album during that period.
26. Release your best album in 1986.
27. If you can't, you can do it in 1987.
28. After the 90's forget about thrash, 90's are so... unthrash!.
29. You have two options:
30. a) Split your band up.
31. b) Make some trash metal:
32. You can go heavy: anth... mega...
33. Or tribal: sepul...
34. Maybe industrial: krea...
35. Also country: met...
36. Even punky: sod...
37. If you split your band up in early 90's you've got permission to reform in early 2000's, and release one or two albums, then split again.
38. If you didn't break up, pretend to release a comeback album, after a decade of shit.
39. Kindly refer to rule #14, and madly to rule #5.
40. Own hundreds of old-school demos and albums.
41. Own Master Of Puppets.
42. Actually, listen only to this album.
43. Well, and maybe Reign in Blood.
44. Keep complaining about Metallica selling out.
45. Keep complaining about Megadeth selling out.
46. Keep complaining about [random bandname here] selling out.
47. Ballads are gay.
48. Naming a song "The Ballad" is even more GAY.
49. Keep this in mind, you were not a child.
50. And when you were, your childhood was full of sorrow.
51. But at least you didn't got molested, leave that for Nu Metal suckers.
52. Remember about your mother and father - and the undying spite you feel for them.
53. Acoustic guitars are limited to showing proeficiency, or intros/outros/interludes.
54. Release an album consisting of punk covers, this is not optional.
55. Remember, for riffs, you only have two strings, the 6th and 5th.
56. For solos you only have one, the 1st, maybe the 2nd.
57. You are forbidden to growl, unless you are from Germany.
58. Or from Brazil.
59. You are not Kreator, nor Sodom nor Destruction, and you never will be.
60. Try to be them.
61. Don't be death metal, death is dumb.
62. Don't be black metal, black is dumb.
63. Music theory? gimmie a break!!
64. Don't be progressive, progressive is dumb.
65. Hate any subgenre influenced by thrash, read rule #13.
66. Feel the fire of thrash burning your soul.
67. Not your body!!!!, read rule #15.
68. Look at you, your feelings turn stronger than hate!!!.
69. Sing a lot against religion, about killing Jesus and so on.
70. Claim to be roman catholic even if you do so.
71. Or claim to be atheist, and remember, Satan is funny, nazis were funny, serial killers are funny, shame on you Kerry King!
72. Only one member is allowed to sing.
73. Well, other members can scream at choruses.
74. Allowed words are: Die! Kill! Hell! Hey!
75. Don't have friends, friendship is gay.
76. Don't have girlfriends, that's gay.
77. What?!
78. Death metal's hostillity towards gayness is borrowed from thrash metal's. (read Death Metal rules, of course don't follow them).
79. When naming your favorite bands, always name Metallica first.
80. Forget about those bands which have the sound you have searched for years.
81. If you are from Brazil, name your band after a coffin related thing: Sepultura, Sarcófago, and so on.
82. San Francisco shores used to be good for writing thrash in the 80's.
83. Power-Thrash: what?! Aggressive dragons?
84. Death-Thrash: read rule 61.
85. Black-Thrash: haven't you read rule 62 yet? Also, black is so... unthrash
86. Progressive-Thrash: read rule 64
87. Post-Thrash: post-thrash is forbidden, read rule #13.
88. Secretly listen to Pantera.
89. I mean, secretly listen to their first albums.
90. Gotcha! You are gay!
91. No matter if it's legal now, sue Napster!!!
92. Asking for melodic thrash bands its the gayest thing that someone could ever do.
93. ---"Seriously, can you recommend me a melodic thrash band?"---
94. Death, Death Angel, Dark Angel, Morbid Angel, Morbid Saint - THESE BANDS ARE NOT THE SAME!!!
95. Five more to go!
96. Write rules for thrash metal, its a chick magnet.
97. Reading rules for thrash metal its also a chick magnet
98. Kill Bob Rock!
99. Ask Rick Rubin to do that.
100. Be enemy of your fellow thrashers.
101. Done!

1. Follow the rules of Death Metal
2. Death Metallers need to have really long hair (maybe down to their ankles) or no hair at all but a long beard
3. Always add a couple of blood stains in your band logo
4. Don't you ever write satanic lyrics unless you are Glen Benton
5. Be Glen Benton
6. Use the word "Skull" instead of "School" to be brutal
7. Hate subgenres, there's nothing more than "Old School Death Metal" period
8. Always claim to be Old School, even if you don't know who Xecutioner were
9. You hate the fact that people say "Death" created the genre
10. If you have an Arch Enemy record always say the following: "They suck, but Angela Gossow is sooo hot"
11. You already sold your "In Flames" albums along with everything that it's not "Old School"
12. Try to look really pissed in photos
13. Always look at the camera, but your face must be pointing upwards or downwards
14. Be GROOOOOOOWL
15. Use the word Growl a lot
16. Tell people you lived to see the "Tape Trading" days even when you're only 15 years old
17. Use a lot…and I mean a freaking lot of Breakdowns in your music
18. Always copy the riffs of someone else
19. Jump whenever you hear the main riff of "Hammer Smashed Face"
20. Hide your Cannibal Corpse albums from your mom
21. Always end the name of your band with the postfix "Ation" (Suffocation, Immolation, Incantation, Tribulation, etc.)
22. If you can't think of any name with "Ation" replace it with "Ment" (Enthrallment, Dismemberment, Abolishment, Cadaverment, etc.)
23. Ok, let's say you still can't think of any name…there's still "Ence" for you (Abhorrence, Vehemence, Benevolence, Decadence, etc.)
24. Chances are you'll end up naming your band Disgorge anyway…
25. Fart a lot
26. Burp a lot
27. Don't have a girlfriend
28. If you have a girlfriend Burp and Fart on her nose…
29. You were a member of Death
30. People say you are(were) a member of Brujeria
31. Make sure to bring your meathook for a sodomy night
32. Be extremely GROOOOOOWL
33. End a phrase with GROOOOOOOWL
34. Don't you ever…EVER…listen to Melodeath
35. Hate Melodeath by any means
36. Melodeath is totally gay
37. You have "Heartwork" in you CD collection
38. "Heartwork" was the first Melodeath album ever released
39. Therefore you're gay
40. Then you seriously hate Swedish Death Metal…
41. Swedish Metal is totally gay
42. You have the entire Unleashed collection
43. Unleashed is a Swedish Death Band
44. Therefore you're gay
45. You still hate bands like Dark Tranquility and In Flames
46. That doesn't mean you're not gay
47. You have the amazing capability of contradicting yourself
48. Always go to concerts and leave with blood in your face
49. The blood must be of someone else's nose
50. Mosh till your arms fall out from your body
51. Mosh until your legs break in half
52. TorsoMOSH!!!
53. Erik Rutan mastered your record
54. In Death Metal orgasms always come with pain instead of pleasure
55. Hate everything that is not Death Metal
56. Hate everything that is not GROWL
57. You were never a kid
58. You were born an adult
59. Have no sense of humor
60. Pee outside the can
61. Eat nothing but read meat and things that make your body fat
62. Be fat
63. Try to be extremely fat
64. If you're not fat you are Trey Azagthoth
65. Tell a cartoonist to draw your album cover
66. Tell him you want a lot of blood and sex in it
67. Always use a lot of naked chicks in your covers
68. Those naked chicks are obviously cadavers
69. Sodomize the cadavers found in your artwork
70. Dismember the cadavers in your artwork that you already sodomized
71. Have sex with the remaining parts
72. You have to be seriously sick in the head to be a Death Metaller
73. If you don't have naked chicks available, use anything that looks like pulp for your album cover
74. The good trick comes when you use pulpified fruits that look kind of Gore
75. Name your songs after diseases that don't even exist.
76. Try to use "Semen" a lot when writing lyrics
77. "Flesh", "Skin", "Bowels" and words that sound creepy are so Brutal
78. Hate Black Metal
79. You only use Black Metal words (like "Necro") to name your band
80. You only like Philip Anselmo for being a member of "Necrophagia"
81. You maybe still respect Thrash Metal bands like Pantera and Metallica
82. Pantera used to be Glam Metal and Metallica released a Nu-Metal album
83. Therefore you're gay
84. There's no way possible for you to escape gayness
85. You don't use a Bass for layers or synchronization, you use it to make your music illegible and Gore
86. You can poo in public places
87. Never say "poo" always go with "Feces"
88. Faeces are so Br00Tall
89. For you Carcass died after "Necroticism…"
90. Always use fake blood at a concert
91. It's not Brutal, it's Br00Tall
92. Blast Beats are our friends
93. Remember to play as fast as Diarrhea
94. Hate trees, trolls, wolves, and non-Br00tall things, they're gay
95. Love guts, blood, cannibals, murder, and GROWL things, they're still gay but GROWL
96. Be Gore enough to scare kids and moms
97. Keep your Gore level down for your friends, you're still a social being
98. Download tons of porn
99. Say Hostel and SAW III were mild movies even though you almost puked in the theatre
100. Don't talk…Growl
101. Make sure you're dumb and loser enough to write 101 rules for Death Metal, in other cases, be dumb and loser enough to read 101 stupid phrases about Death Metal.

1. Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only progressive bands are the one you deem to be so.
2. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
3. Have contempt for mainstream music.
4. Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics but only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream.
5. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
6. When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.
7. If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the mainstream sheep.
8. If he doesn´t, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
9. Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isn´t all bad.
10. Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal.
11. If he hasn´t, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal is NOT prog.
12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly.
13. When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him something along the lines of "prog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock." In any case, make sure that the person in question is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He wouldn´t have understood anyway.
14. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don't necessarily have to.
15. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
16. Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent people, preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre is mentioned.
17. Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than pointing out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated.
18. A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the guitarist and keyboardist as long as needed.
19. If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless wankers, tell him that "at least they can tune their guitars, har har", and walk away defiantly.
20. Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them.
21. Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden. Burn all albums you own with hum-along melodies.
22. Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is not optional. When asked why, tell people that "I am into GOOD music now, why would I go back?".
23. Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out.
24. Often state that you don´t only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice.
25. Yeah...like you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection...
26. Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better.
27. Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog metal.
28. Be able to mention 20 bands noone has heard of, not even true prog fans. Own no releases of these bands.
29. Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable.
30. Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums.
31. Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument.
32. Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They're not prog enough to get the music, what do they expect?
33. Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending sus4 chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8.
34. Make sure your bandname is either a
a) Oxymoron
-Silent Noise
-Tender Harshness
-Healing Gun
Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book.
-Deitronus
-Tarakoch
-Fentaran
or
c) Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words.
-Eternal Twilight Tranquility (Can't get much progger than that)
-Redolent Arithmetic
-Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated
35. Don't worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since 90% of your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore conventional English grammar and instead focus on what´s really important: The lyrics (see rule 36).
36. Write deep and ambiguous lyrics.
37. If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of the following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog circles:
"I'm staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a nightly mystery of soulburning apparition"
"Mornings' gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the sleeper ventriloquist"
"A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial sentences."
38. Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo, regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes being prog.
39. Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don't worry if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom Carvin 30 kg bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of your mandatory instrumental tune(more on that later)where he can really show the extent of his instruments capabilities. Imagine the range of scales on an instrument like that!
40. Release a live-album called "Live in Tokyo".
41. Change time signatures. Constantly.
42. Accuse anyone who does not do so of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true progressive musician.
43. Your amp MUST be a Mesa Boogie. If a friend of yours tries to convince you´re wrong and you should check out his Marshall tell him that his tone is thin and buzzy.
44. State that Metallica can´t properly tweak the boogies. They´re so... unprog!
45. Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out playing instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking shit about punk bands and how people don't understand your music.
46. Play a shitty version of a humongously difficult DT song at a Battle of the Bands-type contest. Metropolis Part 1 or Dance of Eternity are both good choices, as is Erotomania.
47. When your band ends up last, shift all blame over to the judges; hey, they have no idea what good music is! Why else would they let that boring pop band win?
48. Talking about starting playing an instrument; always start with the most technically difficult song you know. Remember, this is a testament to your immense talent, so be sure to mention this on every internet community you happen to frequent.
49. When are you able to play something at half speed very sloppy, proudly state that you "nail" the song in question.
50. People are bound to ask for a recording of the feat mentioned in rule 49. However, you are not able to provide it to them, because a) your recording equipment got dissolved by digestive acid yesterday, you don't need to prove anything to people. Your word should be good enough c) you don't know anything about computers (even though you sit by one most of the day), as you spend most of your day practicing your instrument.
51. Tool is NOT prog. If anyone insists they are, kill them.
52. Hate Falling into Infinity. If the feeling that you actually enjoy FII(even the "proggier" songs like TOT)sneaks up on you during a glitch of concentration, remind yourself that DT sold out.
53. Actually, state that DT sold out on every good occasion. This means every time their name is mentioned.
54. Don´t be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog.
55. Do not move on stage. Don't under any circumstances forget that nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band.
56. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band INCLUDING the drummer.
57. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 56 of lacking musical inteli...Yeah, you've got it now, haven't you?
58. Never ever under any circumstances say "Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence ruled."
59. Never let anyone tell you that Dave Weckl is better than any prog metal drummer. If they still insist, don't kill them, but rather put on the Mike Portnoy drum solo from 1993's "Live in Tokyo" vid, which still today is the benchmark for good drumming, REGARDLESS of genre.
60. It would still be a good idea to have that gun ready, though.
61. Drummers: Huge kits are MANDATORY!!!! If all you have is a 4-piece with 3 crappy cymbals, then you don´t belong on stage. A 5-piece single bass drum kit is the bare minimum and even that´s on the edges of bare bones. If you have a tiny kit BUY MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!!!!
62. No, 6 toms are not enough, MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!
63. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company.
64. When someone asks you why prog metal isn't more popular if it is so darned good, tell them that it is because "it is over the mainstream peoples heads".
65. Talent = Technical skill. Hail any band with lightning-speed solos for their immense talent.
66. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics.
67. Stress your openmindedness. State that you like all forms of music, except lower forms of music like pop, rock 'n roll, blues, techno, trance, rap.
68. Accuse fans of the aforementioned genres of not being openminded.
69. Get a Kurzweil. As the undisputed <<>>, Jordan Rudess plays it, you have no choice but to get one yourself, no matter what synthezisers you actually like. ALL BOW TO THE MIGHTY 88-KEY <<>> KURZWEIL!!!
70. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-KURZWEIL!!!!(Futuruma fans will know what I'm talking about)
71. Show off with your equipment. Show off with your playing/singing. Show off with your *ahem* length. Show off with your girlfriend. Show off with anything you can think of. Show off with your DOG for god´s sake.
72. Get a dog.
73. Play air-drums or air-guitar at concerts. This will make sure that other prog fans recognize your immense talent.
74. Stuck in song-writing? Insert a part with a slow single-note gallop rhythm where the singer yells "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNN" several times.
75. Note that you can substitute "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNNN" for either of the following: "FATHER, MY ADOLESCENCY IS AGONNNNNYYYYYYY" or "THE APPARITION DIVIIIIIINNNNEEEE". All three are suitable choices.
76. What do you mean, you haven't trigged your bassdrum?
77. Remember, faster=more progressive. Slow songs cannot be progressive, best example would be Pink Floyd.
78. If anyone says PF are prog, kindly refer them to rule 1 while you prepare to do a "Varg", so to say.
79. During recording, make sure that you accuse the producer, the recording engineer and half of your band of not playing the song properly at least once.
80. Make sure your album cover contains either a psychedelic computer-drawn image, a lavish painting with mythological figures, or is illustrated by Travis Smith.
81. Write epics.
82. In case you didn't know, epics must be about adolescency, concerning a legend, or a deep dystopian tale where a cheesy fictional city/world/pizza shop serves as a metaphor for this world.
83. Have racks with loads of equipment.
84. Have racks without equipment. Who is going to see them if you don't display them?
85. No intro for your song? Insert a single-note broken rhythm accented on the snare, with shifting keyboard chords underneath.
86. Refuse to lend prog CDs to mainstream friends. When asked why, tell him/her that (s)he "will understand when (s)he matures"
87. When playing ANY gig, from the lowliest bar to the most gargantuan arena, be sure that no member of the audience will leave without having heard every lick you are able to play.
88. Have at least 5 solo spots during a concert.
89. In case you have forgotten while reading this, prog metal is intelligent music for intelligent people.
90. No, Marillion is not prog. I kindly refer you to rule 20.
91. BOOOM!!!
92. Buy new albums from past prog-greats.
93. When they turn out to be crap and nothing like the old albums, hit yourself in the head with a hammer until you like them.
94. Hold that there is no bad prog, only DIFFERENT.
95. Of course, that only applies to bands you like. See Rule 1.
96. In case you wondered, Dream Theater is and will always be the benchmark for prog metal. The more something sounds like Images and Words, the more progressive it is.
97. Proclaim Rule 96 to people with a straight face in all seriousness. This is not optional.
98. Have side-projects. Make sure that all side-projects consist of pointless jamming over endless repetitions of clicheed riffs.
99. Make sure that at least one of your side-projects feature Mike Portnoy on drums.
100. If you cannot get Mike Portnoy, get someone who sounds like him.
101. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing along to Metropolis Part II or composing a sidelong epic? For shame!!!!

1. When asked who your musical influences are, say Black Sabbath -- always Black Sabbath.
2. Make sure you don´t sound like Black Sabbath at all even though you said that they´re your musical influences.
3. Make fun of popular music especially Britney Spears and any boyband. This is non-negotiable.
4. When conducting interviews always say the words "@#%$", "fag", and "@#%$".
5. Accept interviews only from the following music magazines: Metal Edge, Revolver, Alternative Press, Hit Parader, Guitar World, Kerrang! and Rolling Stone.
6. Pay them $50 to mention the word "metal" in correlation with your music, in every single interview.
7. Add another $50 if they are able to invent a new genre dedicated solely to your band -- ie. Death Metal Disco (Static X), Melodic-core (Thursday), Christian Rap Metal (POD).
8. Make sure that at least one of your band members have an existing side project, or at least planning to start one.
9. Ask your mom to go to the nearest "Ross" beauty shop to buy six boxes of Lander hair gel.
10. Use the word "gay" when referring to anything you don´t like.
11. No guitar solos.
12. Your drumming techniques must consist of "bass-snare, bass-snare" drumming only.
13. In order for your bassist to win a "Best Bass Player Award", make sure that they...
14. ...are female or...
15. ...use the "slap and pop" playing style.
16. Jump in the air while playing your guitar, and while in mid-air place the guitar on your side.
17. During concerts, ask your audience to sing along...
18. ...jump up and down...
19. ...put their hands in the air...
20. ...flash their middle-fingers...
21. ...and be careful not to hurt each other.
22. In the liner notes of your album, dedicate it to your parents, and to more than 15 different nu-metal bands with at least 4 bands which you borrowed your sound from.
23. Your second album must be weaker than the first one.
24. Make sure that at least one band member...
25. ...has been previously arrested...
26. ...drinks beer...
27. ...or smokes marijuana.
28. During interviews deny any form of drug-use in your band.
29. Say you hate Limp Bizkit, then contradict your statement by sticking up for bands like Taproot, Drowning Pool, and Primer 55.
30. When describing bands which you think are good, end every statement with "kicks ass".
31. When describing bands you hate, end every statement with either "sucks dick", or "@#%$ sucks ass".
32. Pretend that you´ve been abused as a child and when no one believes you, hold...
32. ...your depressing song lyrics as evidence, and if that doesn´t work...
33. ...donate 3% of your earnings to anti-child abuse foundations.
34. Your record label must be either one of the following (and there subsidiaries): Sony, Interscope, Warner, Geffen, Virgin, Roadrunner, and Island/Def Jam.
35. Wear baseball caps, shades, wallet-chains, or any other fancy-schmancy fashion accessory EVERYTIME.
36. Your pants must be 3 times larger than your original waist length.
37. Say "shaznit".
38. Say "tight as @#%$" whenever possible.
39. Pretend that you hate MTV, and say that you detest the playing of your videos without your consent -- but deep down inside you really like the way they promote your music.
40. When meeting up with Kurt Loder and Carson Daly, be sure to meet up with Fred Durst to ask for pointers.
41. Always give credit to Korn and say they brought back "metal" from the dead.
42. Make sure you have at least one female member.
43. Be at every single "Ozzfest" tour.
44. Your t-shirts must be plain black with your logo in front and a teen-angst quote in the back.
45. Pretend that you design your own website.
46. Get Ross Robinson, GGGarth, or Brendan O´ Brien to produce your record.
47. Always make sure that you delay your album release. If it´s scheduled for June 5, move it to July 7. Do this at least twice per album.
48. Ask guest rappers or any member from another nu-metal band to participate on your album.
49. Always whine.
50. Close your eyes when singing to show how "depressed" you are -- ie. Staind
51. Body piercings are a must.
52. Make sure that you have at least one band member that´s bald...
53. ...or have a goatee.
54. Pretend that you hate the world.
55. During live shows, make sure that you dive to the crowd and ask them to return you back.
56. Your pants must be low-waist, and must show your boxers underneath when you lift your shirt.
57. Your drummer must be topless during live concerts.
58. Bite the microphone when singing.
59. Swing the microphone stand while headbanging in unison.
60. Always suck up to the crowd during a live performance -- ie. "its a good day to be here in Los-@#%$-Angeles!"
61. Insert the word "@#%$" in the middle of two words -- ie. "I like coco-@#%$-nut"
62. Zildijan must be your official cymbals.
63. Your guitars must be Ibanez or Fender. Accept no substitutes.
64. Always use seven-string guitars.
65. The more stomp boxes and pedals you have, the bigger the chances of you winning a "Best Guitar Player" award. So get to it!
66. Wear facepaints or masks, and when someone labels you a Slipknot rip-off say that you existed as early as 1977.
67. When someone asks how your next album is going to turn out, say that its going to be the "heavy-@#%$-iest album of all @#%$ time".
68. Read #67 but add more of the word "@#%$" as much as possible for emphasis.
69. Make sure that when it comes out, it doesn´t sound as heavy as you said it would be.
70. Your song lyrics must have the word "@#%$" on at least 3 songs. This rule only applies to pretentious "tough-as-nails" bands.
71. Pick fights with random bands to show how "bad-ass" you are.
72. If you intend to copy someone else´s sound -- don´t use any form of profanity whatsoever when writing song lyrics, so the attention of the critiques will be focused on the lyrical content instead of your music. For more information, ask Linkin Park because they are considered as the "masters" of this art.
73. When kids start calling your band "sell-outs", reply that if they were on your position they´d do the same thing as well.
74. When kids start calling you a copycat, say that the band you´re being compared to is one of your musical influences or....
75. ...its just a coincidence.
76. Make fun of gay people at all times. This is a perfect way to hide the fact that you´re a closet gay.
77. When your parents tells you to go to your room -- go to your room.
78. You must have a studio album out every year. If you can´t pull a studio album in just a year, an album with demos and remixes of old songs will do.
79. Make sure that you get into a scuffle with security on every single concert you partake in to cause a "scene".
80. Wash your sneakers only 4 times a year.
81. Wear clothes from a particular clothing company -- and soon they will ask you to endorse their wardrobe. Perfect choices are Adidas and Puma.
82. Release a video that contains nothing but backstage footage of your band making asses out of themselves.
83. During live shows say that you´re about to perform a song they already know. Utter the first word of the song title then ask the fans to complete the name of the song by pointing the mic towards them. Keep on doing it until they scream the title crystal clear, or if you´ve wasted 5 minutes just getting them to complete the task.
84. Your fanbase must comprise of 90% morons that have usernames on the internet patterned after your band (ie. Mudvayne fans - DeathBloomsDig99) and the last 10% with smart guys that use original names.
85. Your band name must be a mispelling of an original word.
86. When parents start blaming your band for having songs that incite violence, turn the blame back on them by saying "you never spent time enough with your kids".
87. When someone points out the similarities of your music with another band which rose to popularity just recently, pretend that you´ve never heard of them before.
88. Cancel at least 5 of the tour dates you intend to play in the near future.
89. Claim that the posturings of anger and depression in your songs are genuine.
90. Insist that your band is "metal" at all times.
91. Best Buy and Hot Topic must be your core album distributors.
92. Say that you´re going to commit suicide whenever no one pays attention to you.
93. Your idea of being unique is donning black and white facepaint and acting like a depressed troll in your bedroom.
94. Pretend that you like Kittie´s music but in reality you just want to score on at least one member.
95. Say that rule #94 is a lie! Then stomp your foot on the ground repeatedly while screaming "that´s not true! that´s not true!" over and over again.
96. Your first radio single must have clean vocals or at least melodic riffing.
97. Waste your time writing a song dedicated to taking potshots at the critiques and the people that make fun of your otherwise STUPID music.
98. If you are a new band, cover an old 80s song and make it as catchy as you can. Ship this song as your first radio single - instant success!
99. Participate in as many compilation albums as you can.
100. Strictly no guitar solos.
101. You are offended personally by every single rule written above.