Mental @ MindSay

Yeah, like this post isn't going to shock the hell out of people.

I basically had a mental breakdown while in gerany, was rushed to the hospital because I had become so drunk that started to slit my wrist, not only was there blood all over my sheets, there was also beer and vomit. Manically I was cleaned up and sobered up. Then ordered to to go home to my family doctor and into his care. So I came home and was basically 302'd and sent to Washington Psych Unit Tripple A. It was me and a bunch of other drug addicted alcoholics who failed death. And now we were stuck in a small prison of discontempt, constantly tranqued with pills so every was calm. Yeah that lasted for two minutes. They had me on all sorts of mood stabelizers and sleep aids. They upped my thyroid meds and gave me anti-depressants. Basically stayed there for a little under two weeks. Then I was shoved into the battlefield again called life. I had to find a therapist and slowly, but awkwardly talk about what happened and why I'm here. I will spare you all those details, as there's a 1Billion character limit when posting.

So now I'm on all sorts of daily meds. I"ve been having bloodwork every month, and twice this week because  I am scheduled for an MRI of my Brain this friday, Yes a fucking MRI of my brain.....

I'm scared, pissed, lonley, worried and all sorts of emotions that cannot be described with tact. This is like the super super short succint version.....One day I'll post allllllll about what reallly happened.

Oh me, Oh my oh.........

 

I pace the room trying to figure out where I am suppose to be.  Not in the sense of "at that exact moment"........but in life.  I have made so many wrong turns.  We all make wrong turns in life, it's to be expected, I know this.  But I just feel like I am stuck in a Continuous U Turn.  The ever lasting circle. 

 

I went to both my therapist and psychiatrist last week.   I had hopes of hearing more positive feedback.  Instead, I have new medications added to my current medications.  My therapist is quite concerned that I rarely sleep and when I do, I have nightmares.  The same ones, over and over.  I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder along with many other mental illnesses. 

 

I just want to be somewhat normal again.  Why can't I just forget what happened?  Why can't I get that bloody warscene out of my head?  When you are in the care of a hospital, you should be cared for.  You shouldn't have to scream for help and threaten to call 911 because you beloved parent is lying in a bed screaming for help as well.......surrounded by blood.  Blood everywhere.  I would not wish such an experience on my worse enemy.  My therapist tries to explain that with time, I will be better.  Not that I will accept what happened, but be able to move on.  It's been a year.  I sleep one or two nights a week for a few hours.........if I am lucky.  

 

I look back at who I was 2 years ago and smile.  I look back at the health of my loved ones and had positive hope.  I look in the mirror now and say "who in the hell are you?  where did you go?"  I understand I may not be the person I once was, but I try  so hard to atleast get to a place in my life where I might feel comfortable. 

 

I try to fight the memory.  But that night changed me.  I fell to the floor and had a massive mental breakdown as they saved her.  I work 3 jobs just to stay busy enough to keep my mind on other things.  But here I am, midnight..........I took my sleeping medication 4 hours ago..........

 

 

I don't believe in mental masturbation. This seems odd but I don't think that it is too far removed from everyday life. not so much that I do not believe in it that I just frown upon it.
Lately I have noticed many people are doing this more and more often. like this guy I never really talk to except a few times. But the instance was on the profile he had that I was viewing was stating some books he likes and one was the "republic" and in parenthesis (Yes, I do enjoy reading greek philosophy). It's something about that that kinda bothers me. I know for certain that it wasn't the greek philosophy part because i am hoping to get into that sometime soon after i finish my contemporary philosophy reading material. I think the part that gets me is where he makes the note to tell the reader that he does in fact enjoy that, I assumed that by putting it in there we would get the point he does enjoy it. I would have liked that he put republic book in there but i never see it as a shock when people tell you of there enjoyments and expect you to be shocked. Am I supposed to be shocked? taken to a new level of understanding that would support you being different from "they"? who are they? I don't know. But they must not be worth it if simple things like that come as a shock.

or how about when people wear glasses? they were them sometimes and when you see a picture with them wearing their pieces and they leave personal comments that propose that they are ugly or that they wear glasses and so what? i'd hate to tell them that a lot of people wear glasses and that no one cares if your eyes are fucked up. but this might lower their self esteem. And I am not here to do that.
 and so on and so on....

oh i also like organic food (Yes I like to take care of myself through heatlhy food habits)

Life is very psychological - behind all the physical things we do, there's always psychological reasons, and usually a psychological impact, our physical bodies are merely machines that our psychological mind can use to interact with a physical world, as well as housing the mind.

I have had my share of issues, I think nearly everyone does to some degree or another, but we work them out over time, they dissapear, and we get stronger and eventually less confused, and we use our own experiences to help each other out and get into a more sane state of mind altogether. Any attrocities that happen are a sign of the insanity of mankind (at least those in power), as is needing something bad (i.e. needing oppression, needing challenge, etc). Furthermore, emotions aren't logical, and we get a better grasp on rationality as we harden. Emotions also warp out perspective, and can create needs.
The compulsion for me to say this is probably a sign of my own insanity. It is the existence of insanity I don't understand - how or why it happened.

But anyway, for whatever reason, people start life on this planet with room for growth, they hopefully get better and might be let out at the end - or put through more mental training until they are ready. I know some pretty sane and good people though, they might have come purely (or more) for the intention to help sort things out - if they gave up their place in heaven to come here, just to help people, that is a very noble and respectworthy sacrifice, but even so, maybe there is a chance to get even stronger while here- might as well!
I think we all shift towards a role more like that as we become less the patient and more the doctor
The odd thing is though, the insane mind believes it's sane, hence you get people more sane than normal people stuck in mental institutions on this planet because they aren't understood, and the parents may be afraid

Once upon a time.......

 

I might of been what most call a normal simple girl.

 

Now, I am medicated.  It is almost embarassing when my purse shakes and you hear all of my medications rumbling around. 

 

I suppose therapy was a good idea.  I just had no clue how fucked up I really was.  And as soon as I thought maybe things were getting better......wow.  More medication for my psychiatric problems.

 

I guess I was doomed for the beginning.......addiction runs in my family.  But in all reality I think maybe it's self induced.  Regardless, I am a mess.  I keep running in circles, over and over.