Mental @ MindSay 
health
I've grown rather attached to you over the last few days. We've gone to classes together, and you've convinced me that gunmen were lurking behind the shelves in the library. Every time I've tried to do homework, you've turned it into a joyous exercise in nonsense and helicopters. We watched Mamma Mia and I decided to move to Greece. And there's no paper that can be written without your enthusiastic (but flimsily supported) tangents coming to hijack the entire course of my thesis.
But, feverbrain, I have a life now. I have a job, and meetings with teachers, and once in awhile I'm even responsible for kids. I have to do homework for real. And none of that is something where you can come along. I love hanging out with you - we have so much fun together! But the delirium that is a constant with you isn't something I can have around me. I need to be able to convince people that I'm not a crazy people, and you don't seem to want me to be anything else.
I know this is hard to understand. It probably seems like it's coming out of the blue. I'm not a music major anymore - being off the edge of reason is not only unhelpful now, it's unacceptable. You're probably going to be upset for awhile, but you and I both know that as soon as a cute arts student walks by, you're going to light up again, and go right after her. Just leave the health science students alone, okay? It never works out for either of you.
Take care of yourself, feverbrain. Maybe I'll see you around sometime.
Phirefly
Ah ha! I finally understand co-dependency. I think... So I have a "friend" who was in therapy because she didn't have "meaningful relationships" in her life and the therapist said she was "co-dependent on her mother". This "friend" wasn't sure what that meant exactly. Co-dependency seemed to me to be the buzz phrase of the moment. Of course a person is co-dependent when in relationships with people. We care about people. If we love them, we REALLY care about them and their well being, happiness, blah, blah, blah. Isn't that the definition of love for petes sake? "I live for your happiness. I just want you to be happy. What can I do to make you happy?" These sentiments are the vocabulary of love. So I didn't get it.
Then this "friend", let's call her Patsy, was in therapy again because of marital problems. She and her husband were on opposites sides of several issues and it was creating havoc in their marriage. The marriage counselor told her she was co-dependent on her husband. Patsy again was at a loss. If you are in a marriage for petes sake, isn't it important, valuable, nice to be on the same page on the big stuff with your partner? Isn't that kind of essential? How does one live with another person who doesn't get the importance of eating balanced meals? How does one not get upset when their beloved doesn't see the value in balancing a checkbook? How do you not take it personally when your beloved looks at you like you're crazy. So Patsy didn't get it.
Well, Patsy continued her therapy. This time regarding kid issues. She didn't feel like a capable, successful, parent. She wanted her relationships with her kids to be stronger. The therapist told her she was co-dependent on her kids. Ok. So we're seeing a pattern here. A clue. Is this a mental health issue for Patsy in particular? Is she simply too needy? Are these people in her life creepy and causing her angst? What's the deal anyway.
After years and years of talks with Patsy. Journaling with Patsy. Going from therapist to therapist with Patsy. I think I can finally help her. Co dependency is not NORMAL. Ta da! People with healthy self esteem (I know, I hate that concept too) do not feel this way. People with self confidence do not feel this way. This is a symptom of a lack of maturity, a lack of self confidence, an unhealthy need for approval. An unwillingness to be adult. Whoo. That's tough to take in. Take a deep breath. Blow it out.
Case in point. Upon hearing again that Patsy is co-dependent she called her friend "Serena" to complain. She complained to Serena about the latest awful thing her husband did and how she couldn't sleep at all last night for thinking about it. She complained about her kids never bothering to call her when they got home from school to let her know they were home safely and how ungrateful they are. She couldn't sleep at all last night. She complained about her mother never offering to come and sit with the kids and how badly she needs a break and she couldn't sleep at all last night. Well, Serena is not a Patsy. She could commiserate with Patsy regarding these issues. I mean really, who can't? However, she didn't react in the same way. Why does everyone else's behavior cause YOU angst? Are you happy with your behavior. Patsy answered yes. Are you happy with your decisions. Patsy answered yes. Are you happy with who you are, for the most part. Patsy answered yes. Well then why would you lose one minute of sleep over behaviors that for one you can't control, can't pick, can't choose, can't deny, can't run away from, can't force, can't change? Everyone is responsible for the way they are feeling. If someone, even someone you love, is unhappy, mad, bored, crazy, lazy, sleepy, rude, mean or anything in between that is THEIR emotion. And THEY have the right to that emotion without Patsy horning in on it. Patsy doesn't have to make THEIR feelings her own. She can have empathy, she can have sympathy but she doesn't need to take on the feelings of the other person.
So I now get co-dependency. We can love other people without becoming them. There is a difference. Whoo hoo! What a relief! 
Suicide is an international problem. Every hour, there's a report on suicide. It seems like suicide has become a trend and a common culture of the by-product of the modern day. Well, it's understood that this irrational act is taken due to a deep despair, failure, rage , anger and etc. However, this is not an ultimate way to solve the daily grieve and pain.
Suicide doesn't 100% guarantee one to be free from affliction because the root of affliction is there even the body is dead. Therefore, suicide should not be considered as an ultimate choice to solve the daily problem.
There're other ways suicidal person and parents can help their child to cope with the depression and hopeleness in life. Read more complete info on suicide prevention from the article entitled "Before you say goodbye, please journey through a grief of suicide" to grab more useful tips and hints.
Regards,
Chan
The last few weeks I could barely get out of bed, as i wake up i get disgusted and disappointed that i'm still in this world, and try to sleep as much as i can to get away. Funny thing is that recovery actually works, now i absolutely don't have a desire to get fucked up, it would make me feel better only for a few hours, then misery again. Suicide looks much more attractive, but so far the only thing i did i mapquested the nearest local gun store. Every day, by the time i'd be ready to get in the car and go there, i feel just a tiny bit better and i think "ok i'll go tomorrow".
So i think this is the time when i'm REALLY sobering up. Putting down the stuff wasn't that hard. Facing the reality, having no job, no health insurance, can't go to school, basically no rights to be here, no hope, no one to stand beside me, that's the real sobering experience. I have nothing and no one in the "old country", just came here to get away from a fucked up family in a fucked up environment where being gay is just not an "option".
Sobering experience is when I see the people in our neighborhood, drunk and high, collecting welfare, living for absolutely free, fighting, stealing cars right in front of me, and knowing that if THEY wanted a degree, a second chance, the government would pay every penny of it. And here i am, working hard, paying taxes for more than a decade, up until i lost my job, and right now running out of options very quicly.
My message is to all of you people, complaining about how hard your life is, that help is all around you. You have no fucking idea how many organizations, people, counselors, government agencies, fundations are ready to help you absolutely free if you wanted a second chance (provided you're legally here). All you need to do is really WANT that second chance, do a little research, and things will basically fall into your lap. Believe me, people in my situation would give anything for an opportunity like that.
No disrespect to anyone. Whoever you are, the rich high school kid in a Lifetime movie-like environment, fighting depression, or the homeless guy with the bottle, with multiple addictions, i feel for you all. I've been there. We're all human beings and none of us is more important than the other. Mental hell and torture is the same for everyone, regardless of their situation. My only advice is, if someone is trying to help you, don't turn your back. You're not a smaller person if you grab the helping hand. Accepting help takes more guts than rejecting it. "Grab the opportunity, for it may never return."
I should be more grateful myself. There is people right now suffering from AIDS, having no food or shelter, living (or dying) near some trash dump, forgotten, with absolutely no hope that anyone will ever help them.
Hope is a bitch. Hope probably saved millions of people from suicide. It saved me quite a few times, for the better or worse, i don't know. Maybe the hope of a better new year saved me today.
Anyways. Have some gratitude. Get help. Happy New year.
So I basically had one of my cosmic mental break-downs again, about how I may be dying & not even knowing it or being able to do anything about it. Not nearly as bad as the one in August, but bad enough to be quite unpleasant. I only told one person though, in fact, he was the one that got me through it, prevented me from going off into that place I went to in the summer.
There are facts though at least. Well I guess there always are, but this time it's measurable. I have lost weight, and for no apparent reason it seems. I don't exercise, I haven't stopped eating, and I actually eat more junk food than I used to. I look different and I don't like it. It seems everyday I get thinner & thinner. At first it was only a cosmetic concern, I was upset because I used to be renowned for my big boobs & butt, & killer body, now I'm just a regular old skinny gal. Then I started worrying about the helath concern, sure I'm mad it's happening, but WHY is it happening? I tried eating more, only works for a few days because I forget to stuff my face. I normally only eat when I'm hungry, now I have a new plan, eat whenever my brother eats. But I'll probably tire of that too, because you're not supposed to think about eating, you're supposed to just do it. Well my doctor's appointment is scheduled for Friday, and it's a REAL one, not a pediatrician. Hopefully they'll actually listen to me & take me seriously.
But anyhow, of course it was only my love that could make me feel better at that time. My mom agrees & tells me I'm sick. My grandmother says it's nothing & not to worry. My brothers make jokes. Everyone else shrugs their shoulders. I think I'm slowly dying. He does something different. He admits he doesn't know, but that he will be there for me no matter what. He listens to me & believes what I say. He feels for me. And then I didn't just feel "better", I felt great. I felt like I was going to be ok no matter what happened.
The non-chemical antidote.
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