Mena @ MindSay

Just blogging here before I go to bed. In all honesty, I just wanted to write somewhere just how lonely I'm feeling at the moment, and how relieved I am that Saturday is just around the corner.

Because of engineering works on the trains, I've been unable to see Mena for the past two weeks. To start with, it wasn't that bad, but as the time's passed I've started to miss her more and more, and to be honest quite recently it's been a bit unbearable. On Saturday evening, after we'd finished talking on the phone, I remember staying awake for the next half an hour or so, first staring at the ceiling, and then facing a pillow she'd slept on the last time she was here. There was nothing going through my mind except how great it's going to be when I can finally pull her into my arms, and into a very much missed, and long needed, embrace.

It's times like these that remind me how much I need her, and how much I long for us to have a future together. It's funny that I used to be so comfortable with being alone. It was something I'd come to terms with, and yet now I find it so painful sometimes. Maybe it's because I've realised just how much better life is when you have somebody special to share it with. I never had that when I was growing up. When I was going through all my troubles, I never had the feeling that there was somebody there for me. Now I do have somebody special, I don't want to go back to that. I don't like being alone anymore.

Thanks for reading.
-=Gavvie=-

My Internet's being sucky, so I wrote this blog in WordPad. This isn't going to mean anything to you, nor has it affected the blog's quality in anyway, I just thought you'd like to know before we got into the meat and balls of it all.

So, the blog title today comes from a quote I read on NME today. Apparently the original members of Limp Bizkit have all reformed, and are planning a world tour and are also recording a new album. Yep, it seems Fred Durst and Wes Borland are both in need of pay packets, and some publicity. What really made me laugh was the joint statement they released though. It's almost as if you could tell they were lying. Allow me to paraphrase:

"We decided we were more disgusted and bored with the state of heavy popular music than we were with each other."

Yes, quite. I hope you enjoy being banded together with all the other pop groups who were in need of cash quick. At this rate, we'll be seeing the reformation of B*Witched next...

Moving swiftly onwards, I'm very pleased to announce that I haven't fallen over since my last blog. My apologies for not blogging sooner, but as I said earlier, I've been hit by a sucky Internet since Tuesday, and prior to that I'd been putting it off. Whoops. I'm not exactly sure what's the matter, but at the moment I'm going to blame Virgin Media and/or the crap weather, whichever one owns up first.

I'm sat here, listening to Celldweller through headphones, because literally there's nothing better to do. I'd turn my Xbox/PS3 on, but in all seriousness it's just too much effort. Besides, I quite like listening to the song I'm listening to, and I don't really want to stop playing it just so I can play some...well, whatever I'd end up playing. Just in case you're wondering, I'm listening to Frozen (Mass Panic Mix by Skeel), which is on the album Take It & Break It Vol. 2. It's a pretty good remix actually. It turns the track, which was originally very electronica based, into a heavy rock track. I love it, it sounds awesome.

I suppose I should fill you in on the past week. Work has been a bit poor this week. I'm not sure exactly why, but still, it's not been a good week, so I'm glad that I've got a week off next week to recharge my batteries and not get too frustrated with it all. Some people have been a bit on edge for no apparent reason, and we've had some arsey patients as well. Patients with no patience, it seems. OMG U C WHUT I DID THAR?!?! ...I guess the snow brings out the worst in people.

Yesterday, I had to take four rather heavy boxes of A4 paper upstairs to the storeroom. As I said, they were quite heavy, and on the fourth box I had to stop at the contact lens department to catch my breath. Yes, I am weak, there's no need to tell me (although you probably will anyway). I didn't think much of it at the time, but I think I might have actually done myself some harm, as today my upper left arm aches, as does my left knee. Of the two, my left knee actually hurts more, as it hurts everytime I bend it. Even now, just being sat down is giving me a very slight pain. Still, because I'm a stupid fucker, I'm just gonna battle on and get on with it. I'm sure it's nothing too serious. Oh, and I've just noticed my back aches too. I might as well've called this blog Aches & Pains Vol. II.

Mena's coming to see me tomorrow :D She's going to be staying with me for a week over half term. I'm very excited about it, because the weekend we spent together in December was ace, and this week's gonna be better, purely because we're spending longer together :D I shall let you know how it was when it's over, as I don't think the mixture of Mena and Sucky Internet will let me blog a lot, if at all.

I'm gonna wrap this blog up with two semi-announcements. I'm calling them Semi-Announcements because I'm not really announcing anything, except that I'm not announcing anything. Still, I'll put them in seperate paragraphs, as it'd be easier to read that way, and it makes this entry longer, as if it wasn't long enough already.

ANNOUNCMENT #1
I might reform Living Sedative. I was thinking about it the other day, and when I get a bit more free time, I want to actually finish the tracks I was working on, rather than leave some good ideas behind, never to be heard from again. I wouldn't release them as two seperate albums though. Instead, they'd be put into one album, which I reckon will be called The Final Resurrection of Living Sedative, seeing as after that I would kill the project off until I could make something even better.

This album would then be followed by a "Greatest Hits", if you want, called R.I.P. I'm not too sure how that would work out, but then, this is just something I'd like to do when I can get my tools back together and find the time to do it. It's very unlikely, but still, it would be nice to go out with a bit of a bang. We'll see.

ANNOUNCEMENT #2
I still can't tell you about this one yet XD I'm waiting until it's made public, but I'll give you a few cryptic clues. After all, you've read this far.

Basically, I've been made a Moderator at RadioSEGA. This is a pretty big deal for me, as I've been a fan of the site since I stumbled upon it's radio station via my PSP in December 2008, and as I got to know its members, I felt like I could offer a lot to them, either as forum staff or as a contributor, and the more I fit in, the more I felt I could do.

So, I could be doing a bit of both. I've been made a Moderator, and because of this I'm now privy to a lot of internal discussions as to how the site should be improved and built upon, in order to really grab a hold of the increasing traffic and popularity we seem to be getting. I mean, we're getting mentioned in magazines for fuck's sake. Could AWFF and its self-centred arseholes lay claim to that? I thought not.

Anyway, in the future we're planning a pretty big deal that's going to make the radio station something really special. I'll wait until Mark makes it public on the forums. After all, I'd hate to be the one who lets the cat out of the bag. It is a big deal though, and something to get excited about.

On that "cryptic" note, I'm going to head off, and see if I can get this blog uploaded the next time my laptop decides to connect to the wireless router. If you see this blog on Thursday 12th February, I was successful. If not, then I obviously failed, and I have hung my head in shame.

Till next time...probably a week.
-=Gavvie=-

I've decided to write a blog today because I've suddenly got this mood I can't shake off.

Let me firstly tell you how I got it, or at least, how I think I got it: I've just finished listening to Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of the War of the Worlds. It got me thinking that there's so much I'd like to do, but I don't think I'll ever have the time, or the money to do, for one reason or another. I'm not going to spend the time listing them, as they're just places I want to visit, or shows I want to see, so that part's really unimportant.

I guess I'm just in a state of mind where I feel I should be going out and experiencing things, and I'm not entirely sure why I'm not. Mum says I should get some of my holiday destinations done whilst I still have the money. She has a point, and I can't deny that, but I really want to move in with Mena this year, and as that's more important to me I dismiss what's said. A second point to add is that I wouldn't feel comfortable going on holiday on my own. Sometimes I feel lonely when I'm in my own bedroom, so I can only imagine how I'd feel if I went to a different country, so I'd rather have a companion to go with.

Herein lies the problem, and the only possible solution. For years now, I've always had this feeling that I should be doing more with my life, that I should be stretching my legs and doing something different, something new. Yet, despite this constant feeling, I've never gone ahead and actually done it. I've always put it off, or found a reason/excuse, and I'm getting to that age where I start to wish I'd done it. Sure, 22 and a half isn't old, but when I'm looking at moving in with my girlfriend and starting a family with her, and the various costs assorted with it, you naturally start to restrict your spending. At least, I start to restrict my spending.

So I'm finding myself waiting. I'm waiting to move into my own home, and I'm waiting for Mena to move in with me. I'm waiting for these things because I believe that they will release me from my self-imposed shackles, and allow me to finally go do the things I've wanted to do, and experience something different. Different countries, different cultures. I'm waiting for these things because I can take Mena with me, and we can experience them together, and I wouldn't feel quite so lonely, because I'd have somebody familiar beside me.

I know I said I wouldn't list any of the things I wanted to do, but here's the two main ones, and why I want to them. First of all, I'd love to go to Australia during Christmas. Now, you may or may not know that I hate hot countries, and if you know this then you're surely wondering why I'd want to do something as weird as going to Australia at Christmas time, a.k.a. the middle of Summer. Two reasons, really: One, it'd be weird to have December as the middle of Summer instead of July (and even weirder to have a hot Summer), and Two, how awesome would it be to be sat on Bonzai Beach on Christmas Day and ringing home, informing your freezing cold family that you're sunning yourself and having a Christmas barbequeue? That has always appealed to be, because it wouldn't just be a holiday, it would be something entirely new.

The second thing I want to do is visit Las Vegas. I'm not a gambling person, and I wouldn't visit Las Vegas to gamble, though I spose I'd spend an hour or so in a casino purely because it'd be crazy not to. I certainly wouldn't go crazy though, and I'm sure Mena would be very eagle eyed about that. No, the reason I want to go is because everything sounds so epic. I mean, they have hotels with shopping centres inside them, and everything is so large scale. There's even one with a roller coaster. A hotel with a fucking roller coaster! Of all the places I want to go in America (and there are a few), Las Vegas is the first place I intend to visit. The rest can wait.

Writing this blog is making me sit back and sigh, dreaming about things which could be years away yet. You never know, though, they may happen sooner, but whether or not I do them before I get married...I don't know.

I'm going to head off now, as I need a shower. I also need to start thinking of some ideas for a project I may be starting, but it's early days yet, so I'm not going to talk about it except in private to people who need to know. This time next week, maybe.

Till whenever,
-=Gavvie=-

I didn't blog on Friday. Whoops. Ah well, I'll make up for it now by having a little natter before bedtime.

So, the blog title is alluding to the fact that I've passed my driving test. It took three attempts to get it right. Test #1 ended with 1 dangerous fault (I'd ended up in the wrong lane and tried to correct myself, almost hitting a van. The instructor had to grab the wheel, hence the dangerous fault), and 8 minor faults. Had it not been for the dangerous, I would've passed.

Test #2 was an improvement, with my failing with a serious fault this time (was in the wrong lane on a roundabout), and 6 minors. Again, had it not been for the serious, I would've passed.

I took Test #3 on Saturday, and pretty much owned it. Only got 4 minor faults, and they were for little things like positioning and not executing proper checks and shit. Nothing serious, and really seemed to be the exception as opposed to the norm. Still, I'm relieved that I finally did it.

I really do forget how often I'd mentioned it in here, but I'd been learning to drive since March, and it was never really my idea. My parents had been nagging at me to take it since I turned 16, and for 5 years I'd managed to avoid and deflect every attempt. But, you know, there comes a point where you just get sick and tired of it, so you just say "Yes" to get them off your back, and what followed was 9 months or so of pure torture.

I never enjoyed doing it. Sure, I liked it when I had a good lesson, and I hated it when I had a bad one, but that's only because I wanted to get it over and done with, especially after I'd passed my theory back in September. After that point, I could see the finish line, and it was frustrating every time I fucked up. I was ready for the test the first time I took it in December, but I'd given myself far too much to do in terms of overcoming nerves, and quite frankly three awful lessons leading up to it didn't help, so whilst I was hoping I'd pass, I already knew in the back of my mind that I wouldn't.

Still, as I said, I'm relieved that I've passed it. I'm annoyed that I don't have my provisional license anymore because I used it as ID, and I hate carrying my passport around, but I should get my shiny pink license soon, even if the DVLA quote three weeks for it.

Before I go, I'm going to take this opportunity to thank Mena. She had to listen to me moan about it since I started in March, but on the other hand, she was able to celebrate with me when I had a good lesson, and also when I passed my test, as we spent the test together. I'd like to think that knowing she would be at home waiting for me when I finished (even though she wasn't) helped to calm me down and not rush through the test. I think it helped anyways, so yeah, thanks a lot for being with me every step of the way. Hope I can help you when you start learning yourself :)

And on that note, I shall depart. I would try and blog tomorrow, but I'm gonna be getting home late because of a staff bonding thing that Speccies are doing. We're going bowling ^_^ I'm gonna wear a t-shirt that says You Fucking Love It on the front. Why not, eh? If I get the time to write a little blog, I will do, but no promises.

Till whenever next I write.
-=Gavvie=-

Since my last blog two days ago, I've been thinking a lot about how living with Mena full time would be like. It's not something I've suddenly started thinking about, but since Monday it's been on my mind just that little bit more.

To be honest, it's comforting, because I want something else to occupy my thoughts instead of my 3rd attempt at passing my driving test, which is on Saturday morning, so it's a lovely (and welcome) distraction.

Anyway, I don't really have time to write out a long blog, so here's what my thoughts usually revolve around, in bullet point format:

• Coming home from work and being able to cuddle her when I get in (assuming she hasn't met me from work).
• Waking up in the morning and having her on my left/right hand side.
• Not having to worry about her catching a train back home.
• Snuggling up on the sofa and watching some shit TV programs, just because we can.
• Snuggling up on the sofa and watching a film, with Mena possibly falling asleep on me.
• Being able to go for romantic nights out.
• Being able to go on holiday to places we want to go, like America, and Australia.

The most important one, however, is knowing that we're going to be together for the rest of our lives. It's something that's going to happen anyway, you understand, but I think it's going to be one of those random thoughts you get sometimes. You know the ones, the ones where you think "Wow!", even though you already knew it to begin with. Mena does it to me sometimes, saying "You're Gav! :D" Yes, I know I'm Gav, but thanks for pointing that out on the off-chance that I might've forgotten. It's cute :)

Just thought I'd share that with you before I went to bed. Thursday awaits!
-=Gavvie=-