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AFMEHB
Her house sinks down to death and her tracks lead to the dead; none who go to her return again, nor do they reach the paths of life.
She does not ponder the path of life; her ways are unstable, she does not know it.
Keep your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house.
Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways, do not stray into her paths. For many are the victims she has cast down, and numerous are all her slain.

-Proverbs

My friend's wife sees a danger in me talking with him.
I have so far utterly failed to communicate to him that her instincts are dead-on.

I did not set out to destroy. This wasn't about conquest. This was about my hungry little heart wanting to be treasured. Cherished. Valued. I'd been feeding my ego so well for so long that it had gotten big and strong and needed more feeding than ever.

Right around when I started college, a certain stand-up comedian introduced Akhmed the Dead Terrorist. Very popular routine. My friend came up with a moniker for me - Afmehb the Romance Terrorist. It's an acronym - Angel-Faced Man-Eating Heartbreaker.

My sister is charitable. She came up with a description, borrowing my overprotective big brother's nickname for me (see Jeanine Frost's "Night Huntress" series - or don't, if you're susceptible to erotica.), of a kitten happily playing in the sun, who spots a grasshopper.
G: *spring!*
K: *attention seized, alert*
G: *spring! spring!*
K: *wiggle wiggle, POUNCE!*
G: ...whut. what just happened.
K: *circles*
G: *struggle struggle, half-spring*
K: *POUNCE!*
G: "...."
K: *prods*
G: *dead*
K: *prods some more. disappointed. sadly pads away.*
Grasshopper 2: *Spring!*

I never set out to break hearts. I was honestly fascinated by a man's heart, and the more active, the more interesting it was to me. They're strange and different than what I've known (I grew up with all sisters, and did not acquire my "big brother" until we were 17). Simply fascinating.

Men are sometimes somewhat reluctant to voice their attraction. I was very girl-next-door (except for an unfortunate phase involving chokers and a few other enhancements every day), and did not grasp that sweet happy unconsciously-vulnerable awakens not only a protective instinct in some solid men, but also an attraction. I thought that men were attracted to racy women, edgy women, even slender women. I was safe.

That's the misnomer. The Angel-Faced part of that. I am not "safe," but I looked like it. I looked like a very nice girl. And since my standard of sex was that I wasn't going to cross a certain line physically, I reasoned that I was a very good girl. Sure, I read and write a lot of erotica. Sure, I have a shocking sense of humor, and flirt outrageously. Sure, I'm a total sensualist - pursue whatever feels good, do what makes others feel good, experience the world entirely through senses.

When I met my friend, I was well-primed to be the baby homewrecker his wife probably recognized in me. I've never, ever gone after another woman's man - the majority of the guys I'd dated had cheated on me, I knew how that felt, and never wanted to inflict that on another woman. But, that was by my own standard of "going after" someone. It was totally acceptable to be friendly, to be trustworthy, and if he got to a point of liking me a lot and being irritated with her, that wasn't MY fault.

A clue: Every relationship goes through crap-times. They can build you, test you, strengthen you as a couple. Or they can divide you. There is such a thing as an emotional bank account - if I have managed to accumulate a ton of positive inputs, and my friend's wife has had a mix of positive and negative (as will of course happen when you live with someone, share the bathroom with them, and sometimes have to put down what you want to do in the name of caring for the other person), I might end up being the favored one.

And I love being the favorite. I crave being someone's treasure. Even as I know I'm being destructive, I will listen to that craving and tell myself that what I'm doing isn't THAT bad, it isn't REALLY harmful, I just have to be careful with it.

I am Rick's treasure. And I am God's treasure. Actually, those two feed into each other - part of how God treasures me was to introduce Rick and bring us together. Rick in turn always leads me closer to God, and teaches me to recognize love the way God does it.

Rick knows all this. It makes it all the more stunning to me that he wanted me as his wife, knowing my history. Knowing that the heart that made that history still lived in me. It's smaller. I'm feeding something else now. But part of our lives is Rick being gone for long periods of time, sometimes with no way to contact me for weeks. And that's when I start feeling sorry for myself, start feeling uncherished, and start getting myself into trouble.

Because my friend is not the biggest monster out there. This same pattern comes in with Roguepawn, and he's one who Rick has had to remind me, "He enjoyed hurting you in the past, he will enjoy hurting you again." My friend might be using me, but never deliberately hurts me. Roguepawn remembers some old, deep wounds, and will reinflict if he thinks it's justified. Single most vindictive person I've known, after myself, but aided by a longer memory than I have. He's arrogant, aggressive, distasteful, and uses his strength (mainly intellect, but he could backhand me through drywall if I stayed in range) to run others down rather than lift them up.
And for ten years, he cherished me. I was his treasure. So when I'm feeling neglected, I start to ease that direction.

I had a long conversation with Jewel about this this morning. I had a conversation with Butterfly about this last night. I was a virgin on my wedding night, but I was still the woman in Proverbs for years before that. I am not strong enough to fight this on my own.

Ironically, I wish I could ask my friend's wife for help, but it doesn't work that way. The only thing I know to do is close down as many accesses as I can, and busy myself with what I know to be good.

I can love on the kids, I can love on my girlfriends, I can absolutely love on my husband - but the young men of this world, I am sorry, but I am not a good friend for any of you. I've crushed a lot of grasshoppers, just as a byproduct of happily following my instincts. Keep your way far from me, do not come near the door of my house.
 
 
   
 

What Is Going On In His Mind?!
So I deleted Jayden from facebook and msn and everything...

So far he hasn't even noticed, which I expected.

So moving on...

The friend that was interested in me...that things got fucked up with, that I still have no idea what is going on, was on msn today and didn't talk to me.

He (Tito, btw) still hasn't explained why he was so annoyed with me. He said *I* was what's wrong with our friendship. And then I say ok, bye. And he still tried to say hi when we passed in person. When we talked after, he claimed I was giving him the cold shoulder. Well can you blame me? I wasn't ignoring him on purpose so much as, understood that he didnt wanna talk to me. And him saying hi in person seemed like a smack in the face, ignoring what had happened to pretend everything's normal. It hurt.

And he didn't even say goodbye. I happened to see him off, when I had breakfast in the morning and saw the bus come into the parking lot. I went to the window and saw him...I wanted so much to run out and hug him...

I wasn't even going to talk to him on msn, but I just couldn't help it. He even continued to be angry with me, and he was about to click ignore. How could he? Do I mean that little to him?? He said I changed his mind. He said he'd rather not lose a friend, even though he has plenty.

He's such a great guy, and we were so close before, I don't understand why he's acting like this.

First of all, some history:

We met and we got along great. And so we started hanging out more and more, and it was kinda like we were dating. But I was still in love with Jayden...and then Jayden asked me to get back together, I told Tito and he was upset obviously, but said if it was Jayden I loved, then I should be with him.

Well then Jayden broke up with me AGAIN. And slowly it went back into kind of dating with Tito. It would be hot and cold; every time I mentioned Jayden, it would get cold and then slowly warm up again.

One night after mentioning Jayden, we went to Tim Horton's together and he was clearly upset, and wouldn't tell me why. That was a few months ago.

And then recently he started getting annoyed with me. I noticed whatever I said or did seemed to bug him. So I asked him about it. And he said he was because we didn't act like friends.

So I asked him what he wanted to do. If he wanted to be friends, or more. On msn he said friendship, but when I went to his room to talk to him, he said he didn't know. And then when we talked after the "fight" about it, he said he just wants "to see". Which I have no problem with at all! It's what we've been doing the whole year, and I've been good with that. He accused ME of wanting a "plan for a relationship". I still don't know how he can see that. He also said a lot of random things that didnt seem to connect, such as:

"You need a play-by-play" BUT: I never asked what we WERE, until he admitted it was the reason he was so annoyed with me. I just went on what HE told me.

"You stop by to visit, you should have an intention other than visiting."
BUT: he often called me and ASKED me to visit. And I don't think I visited that often. Sometimes just to say hi and get back to work. In which case he often asked me to stay, or go get homework and come back down so we could do it in the same room.

*I* thought it was HIM that wanted definition. I mean, he's the one that was annoyed and said that was the reason. I wanted to solve whatever it was, because obviously I don't want him being annoyed with me. But HE would rather ignore it.

He said recently that he doesn't feel that he needs to own up to me. I don't even really know what THAT means. If he means he doesn't need to tell me how he feels, I guess that's true, but if he's annoyed with me, I think I have the right to know why.

I really like him, and I don't know what I want with him, but I know I want to be friends. And if he keeps refusing to talk about it, that could end our friendship...

He asked me what I wanted. And I told him I didn't know. I also added, what does it matter (because online he had said he wanted to be friends), that if he wanted friends it didnt matter what I wanted. He said he still wanted to know. He asked if I could deal with just being friends, and I said well I'd have to now wouldn't I. It seemed like the way he asked that he was unsure of what he wanted. Like he said friendship because he thought that was what I would say... I don't know.

I might want more, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of so many things, but mostly of being left again. Jayden didn't even give me a reason, or a warning, he just decided he didnt want to be with me anymore. And I'm also afraid I might have ruined a chance with Tito. The most recent thing he said was that we'd just see what happens. I'm fine with that, but I still need to know what made him upset before.

I just don't get what is going on in his head! Maybe he doesn't know what he wants and he's annoyed with THAT? He's never liked discussing feelings. He hates serious talks. I like him a lot, but that's one of the things that worries me, that he wont speak up when something's bothering him.

But I guess maybe I made him realize he was annoyed, before he realized it himself. He did kind of react that way...

gah! Anyone? Guys? >.<


 
 
 

   
Gym locker-room design

Even after 8 years of going to the gym, it's still weird that there is often some naked dude in the shower stall next to me. While you can't make out anything in detail, you can still see the basic body shape and whatnot -- and this is all perfectly normal to people, apparently. Anyway - here's my plan..

Place the shower stalls in a line, but the entrance to each alternates between the men's and women's locker room areas. Each stall is frosted glass from floor to ceiling. The men's and women's areas are physically separated and not much else is different, the only difference is I'm not showering next to a dude.



It's fun, it's sexy, and the experience doesn't go beyond "PG-13" - about the same level as visiting a public beach. As long as a gym provided traditional showers for the timid on the side, I can see this actually working out at one of those 'hip' gyms...

 
 
   
 

Sharing My NY's Email Greeting & Invitation
I want to thank-you for your support and wish you all the best that 2007 has to offer. I feel that 2007 will be a remarkable year globally, not just individually. It suggests at being a year of endings and a year of humanity. It will be interesting to witness and participate in its' unfolding.
 
In this email, I include the following:
 
Particpate
Groups - Power Smart Men, Spirit's Calling
Coaching 2007 Kick-Off - A special offer
Who I coach?
Reading - two new articles
 
 
Participate
 
From 1994 to 2005, these years have been one of extremes in my life, all of which have contributed to an experience of deepening an understanding of the human-being - mind, body, emotions, and where spirit fits into the equation. In addiition, the evolution of society and societal beliefs that shape the social, business, and government landscape is seen in relation to the individual and the effects on community, health, and well-being. As these forces come together, and the name One Man Can (make a difference) comes into play, it is now time to start bringing more to the streets of my community.
 
Groups Gathering Community
 
Power Smart Men
 
This group, beginning next week, will be a group of male entrepreneurs who wish to do business in a new way. First, as entrepreneurs we are sometimes more isolated than we were in the office and this vehicle will lessen that impact. Second, as men we have been raised under the influence of the male stereotype of power, command, and control. However, many of us also feel conflicted with this and seek more cooperative and collaborative ways of working and succeeding. The fundamental principle of this group is Success Breeds Success. Working together towards each others success will ensure our own success. As the group unfolds, much more benefit, learning, personal growth and development will occur in a safe and comfortable environment.
 
Email lee.down@onemancan.ca or phone 778-862-1626 to RSVP or make further enquiries.
 
Spirit's Calling
 
Spirituality and religion, sometimes seen as synonomous, often carry baggage for many people. They both did for me and in enormous quantities. Nonetheless, there is something to it and as difficult as it was for me to shed my baggage I arrived at an new place of understanding that contains so many possibilities for all of us to experience. So, for the curious, for the seekers, for the cynics like me, and everyone in-between, this group will create a safe comfortable environment for the discussion of spirituality and the various belief-systems that exist. As the moderator / facilitator, I will undertake a coach role, a participant role, and a teacher role as required.
 
Email lee.down@onemancan.ca or phone 778-862-1626 to RSVP or make further enquiries.
 
Coaching 2007 Kick-Off
 
With January now underway, some have already seen NY's resolutions slip to the floor. Isn't that part of the nature of change and the human-being? It all starts with the idea and then the false-starts, until such time as the pain or desire really pushes us forward. Then when we get there we wonder why we took so long. So why wait? Get some help.
 
Special Offer
 
In honor of the New Year and the desires behind resolutions, I have created a limited time special offer. I am waiving the intake fee and offering the first 5 people who sign up in the next 8 days a 50% discount in the monthly rate for a maximum of 3 months. Regularly $450 per month, you can now sign-up for 4 coaching sessions of 50-minutes per month for only $225 plus GST. You also save an additional $150 for the intake session. At the end of the 3 month special, you have an opportunity to renegotiate and redesign our coaching relationship and fee structure in a collaborative fashion were you needing to continue coaching.
$225 per month for maximum of 3 months and no intake fee
(a savings of $825 over the three month period)
Email lee.down@onemancan.ca or phone 778-862-1626 to book your appointment or make further enquiries.
 
Who do I Coach?
 
Boys becoming men, men becoming whole, and human-beings allowing spirit. I have and continue to coach women, more specifically related to spiritual development and personal empowerment. That being said, my greatest successes come from working with men who are open, sensitive, collaborative, and trying to make sense of the conflict between the experience of themselves and reality of their day-to-day. Here's what one client had to say: "Sometimes we get so tied to the past that we have a hard time seeing the possibilities. Lee patiently challenged my traditional lines of thinking and helped me to learn to listen and (importantly) act on my inner feelings, becoming more authentic in the process." Another favorite verbal testimonial referenced the radical change seen in a young man over a period of three months that resulted from coaching. Being a man is so much more than you can imagine. Being human is so much more than we are allowing.
 
Reading Insights and Inspiration
 
Visit my blog and read  Gender Schmender, We All Need to Be Whole and the piece following it titled The Trouble With Boys to see the latest writing as I continue delving into my curiosities, discoveries, and research. For other inspiration, I invite you to visit the articles page of One Man Can for your specific needs.
 
Happy New Year
 
I'm excited - come and get some!
 
 
 
 

   
Courtesy of Whispertales

As this gender role confusion is a natural part of the conversation, and we all deal wtih some form of internal question around how we should be, the comment arose as that there are few Real Men left in this world. This naturally leads tot he question of what are those qualities and she was generous to share an off-the-top-of-the-head list.

 

  1. He knows who he is, what he believes, and lives his life with unwavering integrity.
  2. He treats people fairly, with dignity and respect.
  3. He does not shy away from conflict, but handles it with grace and courage.
  4. He is kind, particularly to women, children and animals. 
  5. He does not seek to control, manipulate or dominate anyone.
  6. He is not afraid to love and to be loved, unconditionally, even when he gets hurt.
  7. He seeks ways to help others at home, in the workplace, in the community.
  8. He listens more than he speaks.  When he speaks, his words are full of wisdom.
  9. He has a sense of humor, particularly regarding himself.
  10. He takes care of himself physically.
  11. He makes the world a better place.

This naturally lead me to ask about the women's list and the simple statement came back to replace He with She.

 

I couldn't agree more and I'm very glad to see these lists for men/women, in combination with the gender articles and the need for development and healing with our society's role expectations. Too often we see the power-struggle between men and women and the power struggles we experience in personal relationships and around the world between countries have never amounted to anything more than adding more fuel to the fire. Fortunately, as we communicate, investigate within, and open ourselves vulnerably to share the truth, we begin to reach the root, build solid foundations, reach understandings, and find solutions.

 

PS - this was an off-the-top-of-the-head list meaning that more can be added. When it is an item about owning your personal power in a positive, non-manipulative, way that adds to the enjoyment and fulfillment of your life without affecting others lives in a way that robs them of their own personal power, then I would tend towards support. Where we often become confused though, is around how to get what we want from life and people without manipulating. Often times we aren't even aware we are manipulating, given the many years of observing and accepting behaviors throughout societies examples in life and entertainment.

 
 
   
 

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