Meh @ MindSay 
bleh
Dixie currently feels:
Dead
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Blog Poem #2
"Scabs"
Whenever I was hyper active,
Enjoying the way I'm supposed to live,
I'd often remark on pointless things,
And smile on the joy that my randomness brings.
I once often remarked, my brain was gooey,
The sky was bluey, glue sticks were gluey,
My brain was so screwy, my Converse were shoey.
The best thing I ever said though:
"My scabs are chewy."
And that's not a lie.
I'd picked one from my knee and gave it a try.
It was crunchy at first, then soft inside,
The surface was squishy, all the blood had dried.
Scabs are only a barrier, a mask, if you will,
They cover the wounds and they will be clean, until...
Until I rip them off again,
I want to see what's under them.
The wound hasn't fully healed.
It's bleeding now, just like when I:
Drove the cold blades into myself,
Sliced off my flesh and cut out some trenches,
I start the war, I fight the war,
I make my own barracks, eat my own stew.
I raise my own weapon, but not to my enemy.
I raise it to myself, and bring it down fast.
Ah... Relief at last.
I've made this once happy poem into something I shouldn't.
Keeping myself happy, content, I knew that I couldn't.
My scabs are all gone now.
I've scraped them away, pow.
All that's there now are the remains of the mark,
The small red indents where my silver blades park.
Where they dance upon me,
Take their fill of my skin, see?
There's one there, one here, one just near my elbow,
One down in the middle, and this one here... Oh...
...Maybe I shouldn't show that one to you.
Dixie currently feels:
Unknown
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I don't know how I feel right now.
I'm partially pleased, because I managed to get another 100% on Hard on Guitar Hero 3.
I'm partially glad, because I've finished my Science coursework.
I'm partially dreading, because tonight is the final night of the Easter holidays.
I'm partially lonely, depressed, suicidal, alone, desparate, needing, upset, worried and nervous - my darling Emily needs me, and I need her...
I was woken up by a DOOR this morning.
The window was open in my mam's room, and it was blowing the door, which kept banging open and shut again. I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep, but it did my head in.
So I woke up and tried to ignore it.
Then I snapped, went and slammed the window, slammed the door, and sat down on my bed and sighed at the wonderful silence.
I went downstairs to make myself some lunch.
I made some mini cheeseburgers.
They're so cute.
The buns are soft, the meat is tender, and the cheese is a wonderous processed plastic-y sort of cheese.
They're about an inch and a half in diameter - and I eat them in two medium bites, or three small bites.
I ate those, and some Fridge Raiders, and some Monster Munch - as I watched some KUA.
Then Stephen came online, saying he finally had wi-fi, and he wanted to play on GH3 with me.
He insisted we do an Easy pro-face off.
I groaned so loud.
But he wanted to do TTFAF.
So I picked Raining Blood - and got 99%.
Then we did TTFAF, and I got 99% again.
He wasn't expecting me to do that well - so he was sad.
I was annoyed at hearing that - I'M ON EXPERT.
A phrase I often use now.
"Yeah but... I'M ON EXPERT!" - When a Medium player beats me on a face-off.
"Yeah but... I'M ON EXPERT!" - When someone insults my abilities, when they can't play Expert themselves.
"Yeah but, know what? I'm on EXPERT." - A quick way to own someone in an argument.
Then I lay on my bed for a while, listening to music - mainly Maximum The Hormone - watching more KUA, eating chocolate mousse, and attempting to draw something, which I gave up on.
Then I did my Science coursework, sorted out my backpack, and went to relax on GH3.
Then my darling Emily came on, and we played a 5-match co-op, me on bass.
I shan't say that I miss Emily - because she's not actually gone.
She's still there, thinking about me... I hope.
If Emily did forget me without a trace, I'd slit my throat right there and then.
It's the biggest fear that weighs over my head.
Tomorrow, I'm going to be absorbed in myself.
Holding conversations with Emily in my mind.
Thinking of her, gazing at her photo in my planner.
I'll sit down my aisle at lunch and write poems for her.
Anything that takes her off my mind is not worth thinking about.
Emily darling...
We're going to have to be patient this time...
We'll have to wait things out...
Please don't forget any of the words I spoke with you...
Any of the files I shared with you.
Any of the secrets I told to you.
Any of the memories we hold together...
I love you Emily... And I always will do.
Don't ever lose sight of that, my darling.
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Today's song lyrics:
When You're Gone - Avril Lavinge
I've never felt this way before...
Everything that I do reminds me of you...
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor...
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do...
When you walk away I count the steps that you take...
Do you see how much I need you right now...?
When you're gone...
The pieces of my heart are missing you...
When you're gone...
The face I came to know is missing too...
When you're gone...
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok...
I miss you...
Dixie currently feels:
Depressed
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I don't know how I manage to - but today, I managed to avert my self harming urges once more.
Perhaps it is Emily lingering on my mind.
...No, Emily does not linger.
Emily weighs heavily upon my mind - even though she's so light.
After thinking about her - thinking about her in the wrong way; remembering her tear-stricken face and her sorrow-smeared words, I felt very sad inside.
So I went to my stationery drawer, opened it, and stared in.
SR was there - resting on the top of my gel pens and felt tips.
I stared at him for a long time.
The last thing he was used for, was actually, to remove a staple.
I felt I'd use him for his true cause, and take out some staples.
So I destroyed my old RE book from year 9.
I drew pentagrams and anarchy signs in the name box.
Not very religious, I know - but I'm not.
I'm sick of not being able to write anything.
I'm so angry at staring at the same shitty divider, watching the cursor flashing underneath it.
The cursor is taunting me.
The flashing means that... Well, it's thinking "Har, I'm gonna stay here and flash at you because you can't think of anything to write."
Fucking cursor.
Adam was round today.
We spent some of the day playing co-op Guitar Hero III.
As usual, he was the one to get bored first, so he got his DS out and started playing Ace Attourney.
We did quite a few songs though - but the 5 star rating for Helicopter will be damn near impossible if he keeps shoving me on rhythm guitar and not lead.
The lead is EASIER, damn it!
I played some wi-fi co-op with Emily later.
At around 9, till about quarter past 10.
We did 7 songs with her on lead, then 5 with me on lead.
To take the piss dramatically, I chose One as my last song.
I barely scraped through it with a 4-star on Hard, nevermind sodding Expert.
So we failed, and I laughed - a lot.
When Adam and I were laid on my bed, being bored - I was scrolling through the setlist of GH3.
Being bored, we started making up parody names for the songs - replacing one word with "shit".
Slow Shit
Hit Me With Your Best Shit
Bulls On Shit
Miss Shit
When You Were Shit
Take This Shit
Hier Kommt Shit
Generation Shit
Radio Shit
Through The Fire And Shit
Holiday In Shit
Raining Shit
In Shit
Shit It Black
Same Old Song & Shit
Talk Shitty To Me
Story Of My Shit
School's Shit
Sunshine Of Your Shit
Shit In The UK
Even Shit
Kool Shit
Black Magic Shit
Cherub Shit
Shit Of Personality
Before I Shit
And my personal favourite:
She Bangs The Shit
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Today's song lyrics:
Vermillion Part 2 - Slipknot
She is everything to me...
The unrequited dream...
A song that no one sings...
The unattainable ...
She's a myth that I have to believe in...
All I need to make it real is one more reason...
And I don't know what to do...
I don't know what to do...
When she makes me sad...
But I won't let this build up inside of me...
I won't let this build up inside of me...
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I don't know why, but prom just doesn't seem as appealing as it did before....and I almost don't want to go anymore, but I can't just not go after the money I've put into it so far. Bleh........I'm sure it'll be more fun when the day comes, and I'll be more excited, but right now--I'm far from excited.
A lot of things have been getting to me lately...it's so weird, because I've been so happy and now it's all going back to the way things used to be. My mind is a mess right now.
: (
<33...
Anyway, I'll give you all some good news. Good news for me, that is: I'm fairly sure I've passed QT overall. 96% on the first test worth 20% of my final mark, a piss easy coursework, and second test worth another 20% of my grade, which I'm fairly sure I aced. How can I cock up probability, eh? :D
I saw Sina briefly today to lend her my sari. So I tell her to meet me at 8:30am outside the station, and she comes strolling along at 8:55am, knowing full well that I have a lecture at 9, and a test. On top of that, I spilt coffee on myself cos I was rushing to the lecture. My fault, but I'm blaming her cos it makes me feel good about myself. I also sent her a rather nasty text saying "I hope you're fucking happy, that's the last time I go out of my way to help you." I feel bad about it, but meh. I think I'm entitled to snap at her. She might be able to take her education for granted seeing as it's only the first year for her, but I can't afford to do that. Especially not now.
Enough of that though. Uni was rather boring after the test. Yes, the test was fun.
Things with Gav...improving. We had a fair few big arguments over the last fortnight, but things are better now.
I think that's it for my rather impromptu blog. Till next time, whenever that is.
Mena
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