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depression
Apparently her medication is good for me too..
So with Thia now on pain meds as well, I'm finally catching up on some of the sleep I missed these last two weeks..
If she's sleeping, that gives me a chance as well
If she's sleeping, that gives me a chance as well
More benefits of living closer
Well, yesterday the new apartment really paid off in multiple ways. First, living closer let me get to work on time despite oversleeping. Then, later in the day, I was able to run home and take my meds (I'm bipolar), which I had forgotten to take during my rush getting ready in the morning. Since I hadn't had my mood stabilizers, I was feeling a depression coming on for no reason. But being able to go home and take those meds really helped boost up my spirits. I never could have run home if I were living at my old house, which was a half-hour from work, as opposed to the five/ten minutes my current apt. is from work.
Today I actually heard my alarm (slept without earplugs - and didn't even hear the neighbors' annoying wind chimes, so I guess I've learned how to tune them out), so I had plenty of time to get ready. I even had time to put on jewelry. I'm all decked out in earrings, a necklace, and a bracelet (and a fancy pearl-style scrunchie in my hair). Having my fake nails removed means I can put on necklaces again. There's nobody to look good for at work - my dept. is all women, except for an old, married guy who lives/works in Maryland. But I like looking "pretty" for myself, anyway.
THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON
Today was proof ..... for me.
Things with B. never seem to run smoothly ..... ever. And its not necessarily her fault ..... its just the way things are.
Picked her up and drove her first to her doctors appointment. While there I talked to the doctor and got back on my meds, but that is neither here nor there. We go to the drug store to pick up the meds for her and the doctor had written the wrong date on the script ...... so back to the doctors office ..... get that corrected and back to the drug store for about a 20 minute wait.
We have about a hour and a half before her leg waxing appointment in Yreka. Can we go to Wal Mart? Sure .....
At Wal Mart she grabs a cart and head out saying "Just need to grab a couple things, I'll meet you in the foyer" ..... we now have an hour before her appointment. I grab a cart and head to the dog food, cat food and cat litter. Toilet paper. Got it. Done. Out of here. Pay ..... roll on out to the foyer .... sit on a bench with my cart ...... wait. Wait. Wait.
Exit door opens up ..... a double take from me and the person coming through the door. My ex-coworker from the group home. One very brief encounter since that day ..... that weekend ..... my eyes welled up and I broke down right there. She walked up ..... put her arms around me ..... kissed my cheek and said "Do not carry this with you anymore ..... it is a hot rock burning your soul .... let it go, now".
And with that I looked up and yet another ex-coworker from the house ..... no, they were not together ..... she too walked up ..... hugged me ..... wiped a tear and asked how I was. After talking for quite awhile ..... and feeling like someone had finally confirmed that it happened. Without the guilt being thrown at me, but knowing what happened .... having been there.
"Do you know what I think about when I think about that day?" she asked. I shook my head ..... really holding back the tears ......
"You me and Hannah ..... floating and watching the other girls in their rafts .... all of us having fun ..... enjoying a hot summer day ..... I don't focus on the bridge .... or all the crap that followed ....."
We talked and in the end exchanged phone numbers and are supposed to meet for a hike. She no longer works at the house ..... she is starting nursing school soon. The other worker had left before I did .... quitting without notice .... unable to handle the girls and their crap. But stays in contact with them .... the girls, I mean. Something I have been asked not to do. For whatever reason.
Then with five minutes to spare before the leg waxing appointment, B. finally with just a few things in her cart walked through the door ..... I said my goodbyes .... knowing that the last few days the house had been weighing heavily on my mind. Coincidence? No .... I needed to see her ..... to quiet my guilt and pain and there she was.
Then the rest of the day was just filled with running errands while B. got the legs waxed ..... and home ...... quick dinner ..... and long boring post .... sorry.
And now I'm off to get clothes from the dryer ..... put some things in a bag, set the alarm and go to the coast to see lauralew and tattooedjen and their men.
Enjoy your Thursday all .....
I'll be around.
Peace. J.
Things with B. never seem to run smoothly ..... ever. And its not necessarily her fault ..... its just the way things are.
Picked her up and drove her first to her doctors appointment. While there I talked to the doctor and got back on my meds, but that is neither here nor there. We go to the drug store to pick up the meds for her and the doctor had written the wrong date on the script ...... so back to the doctors office ..... get that corrected and back to the drug store for about a 20 minute wait.
We have about a hour and a half before her leg waxing appointment in Yreka. Can we go to Wal Mart? Sure .....
At Wal Mart she grabs a cart and head out saying "Just need to grab a couple things, I'll meet you in the foyer" ..... we now have an hour before her appointment. I grab a cart and head to the dog food, cat food and cat litter. Toilet paper. Got it. Done. Out of here. Pay ..... roll on out to the foyer .... sit on a bench with my cart ...... wait. Wait. Wait.
Exit door opens up ..... a double take from me and the person coming through the door. My ex-coworker from the group home. One very brief encounter since that day ..... that weekend ..... my eyes welled up and I broke down right there. She walked up ..... put her arms around me ..... kissed my cheek and said "Do not carry this with you anymore ..... it is a hot rock burning your soul .... let it go, now".
And with that I looked up and yet another ex-coworker from the house ..... no, they were not together ..... she too walked up ..... hugged me ..... wiped a tear and asked how I was. After talking for quite awhile ..... and feeling like someone had finally confirmed that it happened. Without the guilt being thrown at me, but knowing what happened .... having been there.
"Do you know what I think about when I think about that day?" she asked. I shook my head ..... really holding back the tears ......
"You me and Hannah ..... floating and watching the other girls in their rafts .... all of us having fun ..... enjoying a hot summer day ..... I don't focus on the bridge .... or all the crap that followed ....."
We talked and in the end exchanged phone numbers and are supposed to meet for a hike. She no longer works at the house ..... she is starting nursing school soon. The other worker had left before I did .... quitting without notice .... unable to handle the girls and their crap. But stays in contact with them .... the girls, I mean. Something I have been asked not to do. For whatever reason.
Then with five minutes to spare before the leg waxing appointment, B. finally with just a few things in her cart walked through the door ..... I said my goodbyes .... knowing that the last few days the house had been weighing heavily on my mind. Coincidence? No .... I needed to see her ..... to quiet my guilt and pain and there she was.
Then the rest of the day was just filled with running errands while B. got the legs waxed ..... and home ...... quick dinner ..... and long boring post .... sorry.
And now I'm off to get clothes from the dryer ..... put some things in a bag, set the alarm and go to the coast to see lauralew and tattooedjen and their men.
Enjoy your Thursday all .....
I'll be around.
Peace. J.
Where I see myself in the next 5 years....
I'm slipping away into madness. I can feel it. I always knew this day would come. I knew it way back then and I know it today.
I didn't wake up until 13:30 and basically only ate one meal. I haven't been hungry lately, but that's probably because I don't do anything during the day. The only thing I do manage to do everyday is find a new way to keep myself from killing myself. I drank five beers and passed out around 15:00. That killed a few hours out of my day. I smoked a blunt then watched a spiral thing to see if I could hypnotize myself, that lasted a while. Then I got depressed as usual and thought. I thought about everything that's happened and everything that will happen. I always manage to think about the future in "what ifs." As in, what if this happened and then I fantasize about a possibility for hours, creating an entire delusion about what will happen. I started to think about what is going to happen when I tell my family that I want to get therapy. Of course I played the little scenario in my head and this is how it went:
"So I want therapy". My mom will certainly cry and ask me why. Then I will have to fluff the truth and say I've been under some stress this past year and I just want to get things organized in my life before I graduate from college. It's nothing really, I just want to work some things out. Which she will of course realize this is a bullshit answer and then she'll just cry some more. She'll tell my dad and then he'll either get angry or upset as well. Then they're both going to bible bounce me until I cry and then in a fit or rage try to cut my wrists in the kitchen. Which will of course lead to an ambulance and me being hospitalized. Then of course the rest of the family will find out, meaning my Aunt and her family and my grandfather. So as I'm lying in a hospital bed commiserating on how much I hate myself, my parents will walk in and talk to me. Where I will finally after 21 years spill everything that's been pitted in my stomach. There will be many many tears. They will walk out for a couple of hours and leave me alone. Then I'm sure somewhere along the lines I'll have to be visited by my Aunt and my cousins, then my grandfather and have to endure an earbeating. Probably more jesus jibber-jabber, and then I'll hate myself even more.
I started to think that after this point, the hospital would want me to stay for observations and to allow them time to get me a proper shrink. Which of course means I will miss my first semester of my senior year. So naturally my friends will want to know why I'm not moved into the apartment with my roommates and where I'm at. So then I can either lie or admit that I'm stuck in a hospital because I tried to kill myself. Which I know is going to be such a total shock and awe it's just going to bring me more grief and sadness. Not only will they be upset, or possibly hate me for giving up, but I won't be able to look them in the eye ever again. Then my close friends will probably find out through the grapevine and either hate me or come to visit me and then hate me.
So after everyone has had their chance to see me in utter life failure, I will end up in a mental ward, because I'm fucking crazy. I know I'm mentally disturbed. I've known this for a while. I'm not talking like "I see pink elephants crazy" I'm talking like "wow this kid's got some pretty dark issues." I've got enough things to talk to a shrink about, they could write a doctoral thesis the size of a stephen king novel. From diagnosis to disorder, from each and every traumatizing memory to every dark thought I've ever had. So now that I'm seeing a shrink, my family has either disowned me and taken me out of the will because they now know my secret life, or they are still bible berating me. I then envisioned myself living the rest of my days in a mental ward taking anti-psychotic meds from a dixie cup and wearing a stark white pajamas. I figure this will all happen over a time span of the next three or four years.
Well that depends on whether or not I spill the beans before my senior year of college, or wait until I graduate. I'm pretty sure I can hold things in just a little longer, but you never know what my life will throw at me, because it certainly throws a lot.
I didn't wake up until 13:30 and basically only ate one meal. I haven't been hungry lately, but that's probably because I don't do anything during the day. The only thing I do manage to do everyday is find a new way to keep myself from killing myself. I drank five beers and passed out around 15:00. That killed a few hours out of my day. I smoked a blunt then watched a spiral thing to see if I could hypnotize myself, that lasted a while. Then I got depressed as usual and thought. I thought about everything that's happened and everything that will happen. I always manage to think about the future in "what ifs." As in, what if this happened and then I fantasize about a possibility for hours, creating an entire delusion about what will happen. I started to think about what is going to happen when I tell my family that I want to get therapy. Of course I played the little scenario in my head and this is how it went:
"So I want therapy". My mom will certainly cry and ask me why. Then I will have to fluff the truth and say I've been under some stress this past year and I just want to get things organized in my life before I graduate from college. It's nothing really, I just want to work some things out. Which she will of course realize this is a bullshit answer and then she'll just cry some more. She'll tell my dad and then he'll either get angry or upset as well. Then they're both going to bible bounce me until I cry and then in a fit or rage try to cut my wrists in the kitchen. Which will of course lead to an ambulance and me being hospitalized. Then of course the rest of the family will find out, meaning my Aunt and her family and my grandfather. So as I'm lying in a hospital bed commiserating on how much I hate myself, my parents will walk in and talk to me. Where I will finally after 21 years spill everything that's been pitted in my stomach. There will be many many tears. They will walk out for a couple of hours and leave me alone. Then I'm sure somewhere along the lines I'll have to be visited by my Aunt and my cousins, then my grandfather and have to endure an earbeating. Probably more jesus jibber-jabber, and then I'll hate myself even more.
I started to think that after this point, the hospital would want me to stay for observations and to allow them time to get me a proper shrink. Which of course means I will miss my first semester of my senior year. So naturally my friends will want to know why I'm not moved into the apartment with my roommates and where I'm at. So then I can either lie or admit that I'm stuck in a hospital because I tried to kill myself. Which I know is going to be such a total shock and awe it's just going to bring me more grief and sadness. Not only will they be upset, or possibly hate me for giving up, but I won't be able to look them in the eye ever again. Then my close friends will probably find out through the grapevine and either hate me or come to visit me and then hate me.
So after everyone has had their chance to see me in utter life failure, I will end up in a mental ward, because I'm fucking crazy. I know I'm mentally disturbed. I've known this for a while. I'm not talking like "I see pink elephants crazy" I'm talking like "wow this kid's got some pretty dark issues." I've got enough things to talk to a shrink about, they could write a doctoral thesis the size of a stephen king novel. From diagnosis to disorder, from each and every traumatizing memory to every dark thought I've ever had. So now that I'm seeing a shrink, my family has either disowned me and taken me out of the will because they now know my secret life, or they are still bible berating me. I then envisioned myself living the rest of my days in a mental ward taking anti-psychotic meds from a dixie cup and wearing a stark white pajamas. I figure this will all happen over a time span of the next three or four years.
Well that depends on whether or not I spill the beans before my senior year of college, or wait until I graduate. I'm pretty sure I can hold things in just a little longer, but you never know what my life will throw at me, because it certainly throws a lot.
Good Morning Tuesday .....
Late yesterday afternoon I decided to just dump any and all programs that are on my pc that I don't use and that could possibly be adding to problems. Like Yahoo Messenger .... can't remember the last time I actually chatted with anyone so why is it there? Its gone. Video egg is gone (I don't do videos why was it there?). Two of the CD ripper programs are gone. Why did I have three? Anyway, it just kind of went like that ...... programs that had not been accessed in years ..... gone.
Still was unable to do anything last night .... I made it into one blog to make one reply and called it quits ..... oh yeah, I actually got into one of my posts and was able to reply to a few responses ..... after trying over and over again on and off for nine hours or so.
This morning I am almost running at my "normal" slow speed. So far I've moved around in Mindsay without any problems. I need to see if I can get into my email today yet ..... fingers are crossed.
Driving B. to Yreka today ..... mom is riding along. Should make for a long afternoon.
My apologies for being overly whiny as of late. Seem incredibly off balance. Maybe the lack of meds ..... not sure ..... but feeling sometimes feel like I'm losing touch with myself. The lack of motivation has consumed me for sure. A lot to do today. We will see how much gets done. I'd make a list to help motivate me but already know it will not.
Miss geocaching a lot. Gas is now $4.09 a gallon here. And there is no way I can justify just using gas to use it. So looks like that distraction will be fading from my grasp as well. Maybe incorporating finding a few while going on little trips (like to Jen and Justin's wedding) will have to suffice.
Lost for anything else to say right now. Missing some of my friends in here. But realize other folks actually do have lives .... lol.
Peace. J.
Still was unable to do anything last night .... I made it into one blog to make one reply and called it quits ..... oh yeah, I actually got into one of my posts and was able to reply to a few responses ..... after trying over and over again on and off for nine hours or so.
This morning I am almost running at my "normal" slow speed. So far I've moved around in Mindsay without any problems. I need to see if I can get into my email today yet ..... fingers are crossed.
Driving B. to Yreka today ..... mom is riding along. Should make for a long afternoon.
My apologies for being overly whiny as of late. Seem incredibly off balance. Maybe the lack of meds ..... not sure ..... but feeling sometimes feel like I'm losing touch with myself. The lack of motivation has consumed me for sure. A lot to do today. We will see how much gets done. I'd make a list to help motivate me but already know it will not.
Miss geocaching a lot. Gas is now $4.09 a gallon here. And there is no way I can justify just using gas to use it. So looks like that distraction will be fading from my grasp as well. Maybe incorporating finding a few while going on little trips (like to Jen and Justin's wedding) will have to suffice.
Lost for anything else to say right now. Missing some of my friends in here. But realize other folks actually do have lives .... lol.
Peace. J.
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