Medical School @ MindSay 
originally, i was going to apply to 10, maybe 15 schools. much less than the average (which i think is around 20). i ended up applying to 20. $730!! ah well, such is the sacrifice we make for our dreams, eh? actually my dad ended up paying for most of it. he does have a lot more money than i do...
at some point i'll find out which schools liked my primary application enough to send me a secondary application. hopefully that will be soon. first, the application service has to verify all my information, grades, test scores, etc. then i get to request my committee letter/recommendation letters. those get sent to the application service and then the entire application is sent to my schools. who send me another application. fingers crossed.
i don't know if that process made sense the way i said it.
anyways, to celebrate, i'm going spend money at the apple store (.com). my dad gave me a $500 apple gift card (yeeha!) for my birthday. it's from grant money, so it's less of a deal than it he'd paid for it out of pocket. i went to the apple store, but there wasn't anything these that i needed or wanted. i thought about getting an iphone, but i'm sure those will get even cheaper in the future and i already have a cell phone. on verizon ;) i was also thinking about a camera, but i have one of those also. not as good as some in the store, but i'm not much of a photographer, so it's not a big deal. i wanted speakers, but the ones in the store were ugly. or for ipods. which i don't have. so to the online store i went. here's what i've found so far:
coolio messenger bag/backpack hybrid that's supposed to be pretty comfortable
pretty speakers, small but works well for its size (i don't need huge ones anyway)
microphone, because the one in my macbook stinks and this one's pretty :)
i haven't made these my final purchases yet, i'll look around for a bit longer.
so, lately i've been feeling like life is coming too fast and things are just falling apart. i know my life is cake compared to others-- i have food, clothing, housing, and i get to go to college without having to take out loans. but my last semester here, which i thought would be one of the most fun in college, has turned out to be much more than i can take. yeah, i procrastinate, but really not too much more than i have in the past. and i've already dropped a few extracurricular activities already.
i work in biological research lab here on campus and i wanted to defend an honors thesis this semester, but my experiments haven't been working at all and i haven't gotten data in two years. i know i can write an honors thesis without data, but i really don't understand what i'm doing wrong. they just aren't working out and i've been getting more down each time an experiment doesn't work, which has happened countless times. over two years. plus, i defend in about a month, and really haven't been able to start writing it. i have no idea when i'll be able to start because i just have so much going on.
let's move on to my med school applications, which are going nowhere (and yes, i'm pre-med, and am completely aware of all the associated stereotypes). my application essay is a disaster. i have no idea what i'm writing and how to write it. i have a draft, it's absolutely terrible and need to start over completely. also, i am nowhere near getting all my materials in for the committee letter.
i applied for teach for america and got an interview, which was awesome, but my dad is completely incapable of understanding why i want to do tfa. fyi, my dad is a doctor and is all up in my business about med school (side note: he did not push med school on me-- this was my choice; i honestly don't think it matters what i go into, my dad would probably still be too over-protective and all busy-body about my life-- if you know any traditional asian families, you know should what i'm talking about). my dad didn't even want me to take time off after college, he wanted me to go straight to med school, but i insisted on taking a year off. i don't think he understands that i want to live my life, not just work all the time, but for my dad, work = his life, and i think he wants the same thing for me.
those are the main worries. there are other things, but i won't go into them.
anyways, all these problems have been here since the beginning of the semester, and for a while i thought i was dealing with them alright. i had a couple freak-outs, but i was actually getting some things done for a while. and then it all came crashing down yesterday.
i am competitive. let's start with that. but i try to keep it internal b/c i know it's annoying when someone is just always competing with everyone. even i get annoyed by people like that. anyways, i found out last night that a guy i don't particularly like (because he's freaking arrogant, wordy, and repetitive) got a higher score than me on the mcat. there's not a whole lot of people i'll admit i'm better than, but i'm pretty sure i'm better than him. when i saw the score, which he surreptitiously snuck into an e-mail forwarded to me, i couldn't think. i fell apart. i was in the lab at the time and had just found out that yet another one of my experiments had failed so was definitely not ready to see that e-mail. i honestly felt sick. i got so angry and my somewhat dislike for him turned into pure hatred. for about an hour, i did absolutely nothing. i went to one of my favorite places on campus and just sat there, stewing in my own anger, hating him and hating myself for not doing better. hate is a strong word, but that's what i felt at the time. intense, undiluted anger, which turned into sadness and hopelessness. nothing else i was doing made any more sense. i felt like i couldn't handle anything anymore. i went home, watched a movie, and fell asleep (even though i needed to study for a test i have on friday (tomorrow).
i woke up this morning and for the first time in my four years here, i felt like giving up. i felt like doing absolutely nothing for the rest of the day and for the rest of my life. i felt broken.
somehow i got myself out of bed, on the bus, and into my first class, but that feeling is still there. a heavy sadness, threatening to show itself, even here, in the library, in front of all these people.
i don't actually know how i'll feel when i see that guy (because i have to see him tonight at a meeting), but i haven't been able to re-open that e-mail since.
i just feel like i could just completely fall apart at any minute. i haven't been able to concentrate on anything and i still have that freaking test tomorrow, which i haven't read for. and it's a stupid in-class essay, which i am horrible at.
well, thanks for reading, if you finished. and if you have something bad to say, have compassion and please don't say it. i guess i should get back to studying now.
Yesterday, as I sat in my Ed Psych class awaiting the instructor's arrival, I flashed back to a related event years and years ago. I was in college and my brother was in high school. Dad had recently recovered from a serious illness, and mom was relieved, but looked tired. I don't recall if it was her birthday or Christmas (It was a long time ago!), but my brother and I were sitting on the bed in mom & dad's room. (It apparently was a lazy morning, whatever the date.) I asked mom to tell us again about her dream. She had spoken often to us about it, not in a bitter way, mind you, but ... just a memory. She answered and spoke of her lifelong dream of becoming a medical missionary. She had met dad while in medical school. Now, women just didn't go to medical school in the 40's, they got married and raised a family ... which is what she did. She gave up her dream to raise her family.
After listening to her dream and seeing the wistful smile on her face, my brother and I surprised her by offering to pay her entrance fee into Pitt's medical school as a gift (for whatever holiday it was). We were so excited to do this. We thought we were giving her her dream. She laughed. She had a dozen reasons why she couldn't go back now, none of which made sense to me then. I was heartbroken that our gift was declined. I think I also assumed a bit a guilt for being part of the reason she never accomplished her dream. hmmm
I am sorry she never made it back to medical school or to the mission field. As I sit in class today, though, I understand her fears and misgivings. It is hard going back. It's hard asking my kids to help pay our household bills for now, but ... it must be done.
It seems to me that one way to be sure we're on the right road is to measure the resistence. I believe we each have purpose, but fear and doubt often obstruct that purpose. It takes courage and determination to reach push through, to accomplish our dreams.
13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Phil 3:13-14 NKJ
Lichter, who is also the Newman Family Professor of Radiation Oncology, said he would step down as dean on July 31 and leave the faculty post on Sept. 30.