Mates @ MindSay 
Dixie currently feels:
Vomitous
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So, once again I've been straying away from my blog. Miraan told me today "Every time you don't blog, it's like destroying your life."
And it's true, blogging makes me feel better.
Adam once told me that people who blog feel better about themselves - according to some study he read.
Even so, I think it applies to me too.
So, over the last week and a bit, I've been having my first few GCSEs.
So far, I've done my Science unit 4 today, Maths unit 4, non-calculator and my English Literature.
They were all alright - but the Science one today was quite difficult.
Maths was a piece of piss, which was PROPER unexpected.
English Literature, well, I think I did alright on that, but I felt rushed. You only get like an hour and forty-five minutes to write two essays.
Now it's Whit Week - so we've got a week's break, then we go back to three weeks of exams.
I still have my Geography to go, and my 2 and a half hour Media Studies exam.
I've wrote myself somewhat of a mini-timetable of all these things I'm going attempt to do to keep myself occupied.
Though, I feel I've given up on writing.
Thus, I ended up in a really downward spiral last night, and I did a lot of lashing at myself.
And they were quite bad - I was slightly worried, because I'm not a fan of blood.
But regardless.
Today we had an unnofficial 'last day', though it's not actually our last day because we don't get study leave.
So we just spent the day signing shirts, leaver's books and taking photos.
The last lesson, we had like a gathering thing.
The whole of year 11 was in there, and we got our tutor group photos taken and our Record of Achievement files given out.
Then I got Mrs Mac, the librarian to sign my book, and a ton of random friends to sign my shirt.
Then my old English teacher, who went off on maternity leave when I was in year 10 - she came back, and she seemed really pleased to see me.
Adam randomly turned up last night.
He was coming tomorrow anyway, so we could watch Eurovision 2008.
So he's stopping over two nights in a row.
We've got nothing to do.
He's just turned on Resident Evil 3: Nemesis.
Our token scary game. :)
I voted Nemesis himself as the 2nd best video game villian.
He's also so sexy. :)
Despite being male, I like him. :)
I just want to hug him, and get all covered in rotting flesh and mucous and stuff. Tee hee.
But then, I'm weird like that, aren't I. :)
Dixie currently feels:
Neutral
(That smiley looks more sarcastic than neutral...)
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Dixie's current top ten songs:
1) (F)lannigan's Ball - Dropkick Murphys
2) Let The Fire Fall - Virginia Creeper
3) Koi No Megalover - Maximum The Hormone
4) Follow The Wolves - Demon Hunter
5) Chu Chu Lovely... - Maximum The Hormone
6) Science Genius Girl - Freezepop
7) Mann Gegen Mann - Rammstein
8) Only This Moment - Royksopp
9) Johnny, I Hardly Knew Ya - Dropkick Murphys
10) Southpaw - Double You
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Oh, I don't know what I can say about today.
First lesson, IT - I was in there for only about 15 minutes, then I went to my appointment with Parry. That was alright, I got to get some stuff off my chest.
Second lesson, English - We were doing practise exam questions, and she HAD to pick the dodgiest questions ever. Some of them, I looked at and went blank. I pray that the questions in the exam coming up are more reasonable...
Third lesson, Science - This was alright, we were just revising for the upcoming exams, so I just read through section B6 in my textbook.
Fourth lesson, Maths - This is where I got seriously pissed off. I felt so sick and tired, I just put my head down on the desk, I couldn't understand a single sentence of the work she was explaining to us. I don't know if I fell asleep or not - but as she went bpast my table, she proper screamed at me to wake up.
Naturally, I shit myself, but raised my head, proper glaring like fuck at the silly cow.
Scott stood up for me though - he told her that I was feeling sick - which I was, considering I've had a stomach upset all night.
Fifth lesson, Media Studies - The final session down the CLC, I just sat with Stephen, listening to stuff on music sites, because we didn't really have anything planned for our final day on the project, it was just an optional, I decided not to do it.
Anyway.
In the library after school, I sat with Stephen, Jamie, Pips and Miraan - and we just discussed random stuff.
I was partially listening, because I was working on this:
Another wonderful drawing of #1263. :)
- Which shall be posted up to DeviantArt soon, too.
Speaking of #1263, I've been working on the first chapter: Perserverance.
I've wrote #1263:TB in such a manner, the chapters can be read in any order.
So I write them in a weird order.
But I'm starting to want to start posting it up to FPC, so I'm going to have to do them in order.
Perserverance is one of the hardest chapters to write, though.
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This noble knight is standing in wait for her fair maiden to return.
Dixie currently feels:
Depressed
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Right, let's be chronological.
The last time I blogged, it was a day or two before I went down to Southend.
And I was worried about going because of the cuts on my arms.
So when I was there - first day, I wore my green striped hoody, second day I had an arm-warmer on, and the third day, I wore the hoody again. And I slept in long sleeved pyjamas.
That aside - I only had one battery for the mp3 player I borrowed from my mam, and it lasted up until the morning of the last day. Not bad.
I shared a room with nana, and we got free sachets of coffee, tea and hot chocolate with a kettle and stuff - so I had hot chocolate each night before bed.
I took the extra one home with me, and I drank that a few days ago, because it was really nice.
Nana brought ham sarnies and chicken drumsticks and Jaffa Cake bars for on the journey down - and we stopped at a Little Chef to eat on the way back.
And it was there that I had my most expensive crisps ever.
They were 99p - and I've had better ones for 10p.
When we were in Southend, we went to see the family down there.
My great Aunty Betty and Uncle Roy, we went to see for about five hours on Saturday, and for another three on Sunday morning.
As they do every single time, they made us ham sandwiches on Saturday, and cheese on toast on Sunday morning.
They're both really nice - never stop talking, never run out of things to say.
But I do feel sorry for them, they're both in their early 80s. Betty doesn't get out much because she has dodgy hips and knees.
She likes me though.
I like her too.
She seems to have high aspirations for me... I can't understand why.
Then we went to see Alice and Charlie - who are in their mid-80s.
They scare me, they scare me a lot.
Then there was Robert, my mother's cousin - who I hate with a passion.
I sat there in silence for the entrie time.
Of course, mother said I was ignorant, but she can piss off at the moment, which I'll explain why further down...
...So, the week at school.
This week.
Hmm.
The only good things are that I've got myself a B for my Science coursework, and today I managed to round off all of my IT coursework.
Parry has signed me up for counselling - and despite how much I protested, I was forced.
I was downright fucking forced.
I do not like the idea one bit - I know I'm being unfair, as everyone says, I'm not taking their advice, I'm throwing it back at them, whatever.
I know I'm being unreasonable, I'm well aware of that.
But the worst - oh, I was betrayed.
When I first started talking to her in year 10, I was told my parents would never need to be told about my self harm issue.
Yes.
So mother was called in on Thursday afternoon, and told everything.
Somehow, I don't think that's quite keeping it fucking quiet.
So my mam told me what she thinks of me.
She hates me - she says my only good quality is my intelligence, and that she'd rather have a thick kid who was nice.
Apparently I'm the most horrible person in the world, I'm ignorant, anti-social, lazy and ungrateful.
Yep, that's me.
And today I've had two of my friends leave me, because they're cunts.
Though, Emily loves me, she's always there for me.
Adam loves me, he's not going to leave me after 10 years.
My new friend Reiss loves me, he's there to listen.
Sammie loves me, she said she'll never let me go.
And my daddy loves me.
He's being so nice to me.
He bought me a squishy puffer-fish toy and made me pancakes for breakfast.
He keeps tickling me and babying me.
I poured my heart out to him yesterday, told him about my self harm and how I want to end life.
He said even if it doesn't help, I'm always welcome to talk to him.
I love my daddy, and my daddy loves me.
No more room mates ever! A couple of days ago, my fiancee and I got kicked out of the duplex we'd be living in by our room mates. They claimed that it was because the landlady called and said that she didn't want us living there because Jeremy had lost his job and Pizza Hut had been screwing with me over giving me my last two paychecks and neither of us were having luck finding new jobs. She apparently told them that she didn't want us there because we weren't able to help with the bills. Such lies! The landlady there doesn't handle the bills, she just deals with the rent. It wouldn't matter one lick to her if electricity and water went unpaid, as long as the rent got in. If people are going to lie to me, they should at least lie well. But they told us that we shouldn't be having so much trouble finding jobs since Kaula (one of the room mates) had already managed to find a job...even though she just had a baby who is not even a month old yet. What the fuck?!
Whatever. As Jeremy keeps telling me, it's not like we're homeless. My parents are letting us live with them until we can find our own place. We also have garunteed jobs lined up for both of us at McDonald's (though neither of us are looking forward to working fast food). Things will be fine. I've got to believe that. If I don't I'll go crazy and end up having another mental breakdown.
I wanted to go out that night. It just so happens Ryan was invited to go out to a bar called Smallville in the strip. So we both threw on some nice duds and split. When we got there, they had a band of older men jamming on guitars on stage. It was his co workers last day and all the people from that Starbucks were there. The people were interesting and the music wasn't that bad. That's when a girl came over to me obviously drunk. It was the wife of one of his co workers. This particular women's husband was childish. At one point he pulled out a yo-yo when the gang replied, "Not in public". She came over to me and put her hand on my leg and was talking to me about the band. She noticed that I was listening attentively to the band. She explained that it was her father's band and they were having an open jam session with anyone who was willing to go on stage. We talked about everything from drumming, hiking, cemeteries, old buildings, history. She had thick black glasses and black hair. She was wearing a long dress and had that whole librarian look to her. The conversation was very stimulating and I got a vibe that maybe she was flirting, or perhaps I was just drunk.
Leaving that night, after a fifty-dollar bar tab Ryan and myself went out to the car, myself stumbling the whole way. In the car I started a huge fight because Ryan wasn't jealous I was flirting. Actually I don't know what I was feeling. It's possible I was upset because I was flirting and found her interesting, not knowing at the time that the guy she was with was her husband. So maybe I was just feeling guilty and I took it out, drunkenly, on Ryan.
In front of the house, confused by my behavior, he yelled at me. I had never heard him yell before in the whole seven months we have been together. I started to cry and my feeling were badly hurt. I had no idea why I was acting this way and now on top of it, he's yelling at me. So we sat in the car and I cried. My memory is hazy after that point. I know I woke up the next day in bed feeling awful. We both apologized and said we wouldn't talk about it. Last night I apologized and told him why I thought I was acting that way.
They were nice people though and I would like to hang out with her again. We had so many things in common it was uncanny. I just have get myself together. I'm so very messed up on the inside. My mental state is in a jumble. My nights are spent drinking. Maybe I'm just losing my mind. Regardless I need to get some friends and I need to stop this foolish drunken behavior.
Late last night we were drinking and sitting on the fire escape. We were playing a mix of songs from the 1950's and Madonna. Randy came home from work and was sitting outside with us. He said he didn't care for 1950's music which is understandable. Lately though is remarks are really irking me. I'm going to be living with him soon, if all works out. It's just he's a very opinionated person. What really upset me was when I got out of my seat to get Ryan a drink and I accidentally knocked over a potted plant that was in the way. It was in an awkward place to begin with. Of course Randy had to make a smart remark and say, "That's alright we just can't have anything nice". Who the hell made him king of England! The plant was in an odd place and it fell a mere two feet. I couldn't believe it when he said that and for the first time since I met him, I got smart back. He said he was only joking, but I'm still fuming about it. Making it sound like I'm some terror who is going to upset his house. Nearly everything here is Ryan's. For some reason Randy got the large bedroom, I don't know why that was. Before this he lived at the YWCA and before that he stayed in a hotel. He makes comments constantly poking fun at small town people, but he himself is from a small town. Sometimes he thinks he's just flat out better than everyone and he's not. I WILL NOT move if this behavior keeps up! I don't need someone putting me down, especially someone no greater than me. To bloody hell with that, I've been through enough stubborn obstacles in my life that I had to overcome. I will not let this continue.
The rest of the night we ordered a pizza which I ate like a swine. I'm disappointed with myself because I didn't walk yesterday, the hang over lingered all day. As of today I haven't gone on my eight mile hike yet. I hate being fat and I can just feel myself getting bigger.
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