Masturbation @ MindSay

There comes a time in someone's life when they become sexually aware of themselves. For many it's as young as middle school, for others, it's college. There are so many different factors that make you aware. But in this case: it was simply time and abandonment and a boy who wanted to go just a little farther.

 

Masturbation. When you feel the need to release some sexual tension, it's there. You don't worry about getting pregnant or an STD, and you can do it anywhere. Once you reach orgasm it's like a whole new world opens up. You work hard to make it last for longer than a few seconds, seeing what new toys you can use. But when it's over, you're all alone. Left hollow and swollen, all to yourself. Is that really the picture of what sexual actions should end up being?

 

Sexuality between the sexes. There are boys and girls who are more promiscuous than others. Some are quite content to hold hands, others want a make-out session on the couch. It's just how it goes... And unfortunately when one is awakened to their own sexuality, and subsequently the opposite sex's sexuality, the tension becomes greater and greater.

 

Love for sale.

 

My story is a simple one... Ish. I was born and raised in a family that valued individuality and purity. I was the oldest child, so I got into trouble a lot for exploring things I shouldn't explore and consequently being irresponsible. I turned to boys around 8th grade. They were exciting and different and they told me I looked pretty! Nothing serious happened except that I'd sneak out to hold hands with my boyfriend of age 16 that no one knew about... or I'd sat on a boys lap while wading around in a pool at a swim meet... Nothing major. Though I felt something brewing.

 

With each step you take closer to a member of the opposite sex and have sexual things on your mind, that's two steps backward in your self-love and purity.

 

Eighteen and a half. I was struggling in school, getting bored with my community college antics... I wasn't having any fun, just work and school and swimming at 5 in the morning. It was a routine I wanted to kick. Until I met some college kids at a local church. Harmless right? One of them, we'll call him Brad, was the one who got me started going. He was a friend of a friend and a pretty nice guy... After hanging out in a group setting just once, he asked me out on a date. Desperate for some semi-normal attention from a "good" guy, I immediately jumped the gun and took it as dating, not just a date. My mistake completely. I barely knew him! And he me! It was not how things should have gone...

 

But, without officially dating, we got physically close. At first it was just sitting next to eachother at the Super Bowl, or him grabbing my knee when we drove back home. Harmless, right? No. We broke up over some dumb stuff he'd said to a co-worker, and I thought he was out of my life forever. This kid didn't give up. We became friends again and not even a week into being friends we begin to flirt again. Alls harmless right? No. A few hugs. A few random holding hands. Oh, and a few kisses on the face, the neck, the ears, the arms... It got intense. I told him I didn't want any kisses on the lips cause I wanted to save that for when I got married.

 

About this time, I started with Masturbation. I don't even know how it started! I think I was YouTubing some Lesbian stuff... I just started doing it and what do you know. That's what those urges were. That's what those underlying needs were for. Yet every time I did it I felt empty and like crap. Yet I continued to do it.

 

After Brad and I started to get serious, again, I quit. But I had another outlet. His biggest turn on was sucking on his fingers, weird right? But it would turn him on so much that he'd start kissing my ears and licking my ears and as gross as that sounds it's down right amazing. There were a few times he'd felt up my whole leg almost, while I was wearing jeans, and almost gave me a hicky on several occassions. Sometimes he'd become what seemed like a completely different person and it scared me as he'd stroke my cheek, then my arms, then my stomach, etc... Then he'd stop and I'd pray it was one of those things that was a once in a lifetime deal. And yet I liked it. No, I loved it. I begged for more.

 

One such morning I begged for more... It was Sunday, raining, dreary. He had been out of town all weekend visiting his brand new neice in Texas. I had missed him so much and I was struggling with studying for Finals that May so I had to see him. He said he wasn't going to church though, but I should stop by his house before I went. So I left early enough to see him for awhile. He was fast asleep. The only one in his house. At first I sat on the edge of the bed, but then he asked me to lay down beside him, spooning I guess. I ended up skipping church and staying with him for a very very long time. I don't know how it even happened, but somehow I got to be straddling him as he laid down... He started moving his pelvis, joking I guess, but then liking it. It's called dry humping for those of you who don't know. We had 5 layers between us, but I could feel it all.

 

I won't forget him saying, "Go Baby, go Baby, go!" as we were humping... It felt so good. I even orgasmed. And then when it was done I laid down on his chest and he told me over and over again how much he loved me. He folded over my tank top so he could see my stomach, and almost folded it over the whole way so he could see my bra. But didn't... I finally left, because I had to.

 

We were so obsessed with sex. We talked about it. We joked about it. We thought we were getting married so what was the harm? Looking back, it was only inevitable that Sunday morning happened.

 

And needless to say, I got caught. My parents some how found out I wasn't at church and knew that Brad and I had broken some rules, though they didn't know what rules we'd broken.

 

I felt dirty. Slutty. Trampy. Worthless. Ashamed. Guilty. Any synonym you can think of. The girl who'd been raised to be pure and be presented to her Future Husband as such was just a whore. Who was begging for that satisfaction. And why? What need was there?!

 

I'd like to say I figured it out, well I have actually. It's about putting God as our need for satisfaction and love. He's our free love! All we do is give of ourselves, our bodies. And yet, it's so hard.

 

I've failed everyone around me. I turn to God and then masturbate. This whole summer I've done that. I feel so horrible inside when I'm done! Yet I continue...

 

The other night I almost made out with Brad. Why? Maybe I'm emotional. Maybe I'm just trying to insert him into my life because he's not perfect. God is perfect and he's capable of taking care of me no matter what. Brad, on the other hand, just wants my boobs. He's imperfect and stumbles and I can blame him for my problems. But with God, there is no temption that can seize me. If I just give him control...

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Dixie currently feels:

 Bored

 

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Blog #64

COLOURS & FOODS REVEAL ALL.

 

 

Okay, so there was REALLY no need in me being in college today.

After I'd sat around with Ashleigh for a while, I went up to 3rd floor - only to find Mary wasn't in, and the English lesson was cancelled, AGAIN.

 

So I retreat downstairs - take out my iPod and kill the battery with Solitaire.

Shelly appears around 20 minutes later - she's late for her Business Studies lesson - silly cow. She can never make it on time on Tuesdays. She has to leave me - so I sit and ponder for a while.

 

I know I have to make up some time - so I listen to Tool on repeat and write 3 pages of analysis to cut and stick into my sketchbook. I'm still quite behind - but that's only because I can't be arsed.

I managed to get these 3 pages done in 35 minutes, fuck's sake - it doesn't take THAT long.

 

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Ash comes and sits with me in her break before tutorial.

She sods off - only to come back about 5 minutes later because nobody was there.

YAY, BONUS HOUR WITH ASHLEIGH. :)

 

Shelly took about ten hours getting back downstairs - then we sat around with Lewis and Kayley, engaging in very innapropriate conversations about anal sex and the like. :)

Rofl, it's hilarious being the most informed on a table about a sexual matter.

 

Then I was testing Ash's knowledge of sexual terms. Kayley joined in after a while.

She knew what bukkakke was, but wasn't sure about felching - PMSL.

Then I learnt the true definition of rainbow kiss - which is one I'd always wondered about.

 

Then from there we had a discussion about tasting blood. From everywhere I've bled - my face, my fingers, my arms, my scars, my legs, my vagina - I've tasted them all.

Spot blood is the worst - it has sour pus in it.

 

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I bought a bacon and chicken baguette from Greggs - picked out all of the tomato, ate most of the lettuce, but when there was an overload of it, I started flicking it at Ash. :)

We had a change of scene, sat on the benches down the street to Captain Cook's square instead today.

 

Ash and I both indulged in the fine Space Raiders today.

Reccomended retail price - 25p, B&M price - 10p. :)

 

I like Space Raiders, but they give me chronic hiccups every time I swallow. And because I ate two bags of them, I had to feel the chicken and bacon baguette in my throat TWICE every time.

 

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LOL, Ash admitted today that she couldn't be arsed with Photography.

I caught her sneaking on Blogthings halfway through the lesson - so I joined her.

 

Shelly and I both did the "Are you gay?" test and the "How kinky are you?" test.

LOL, PRACTICALLY ALL OF OUR ANSWERS WERE THE SODDING SAME.

 

I actually did some work though - I cropped down the practice projection shots I'd done last week and faffed on with the levels a bit.

 

Then of course, I went back to Blogthings.

 

OH, THIS WAS CREEPY AS FUCK.

There was this test - "What do you think of your friends?"

There's colours and foods, and you write the name of the friend that first comes to mind.

ALL OF THE ANSWERS ARE PROPER TRUE.

 

I even saved them so I could put them on here. :)

 

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You truly love Adam.

You consider Shelly your true friend.

You know that Lewis is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Kayley for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Michaella is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Sammie is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Ashleigh is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Ashleigh changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think Miraan is shy and non-confrontational. And that Miraan has a hidden internet romance.

 

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I PROPER don't agree with the 2nd sentence about Miraan like!

LMFAO, AND I CERTAINLY DON'T AGREE WITH THE 2ND ONE ABOUT ASH!!!

 

I don't SECRETLY think them though - I DO think them.

 

..The weird thing is, there was a space for someone who reminds me of the colour white.

I didn't have anybody who reminded me of white, so I left it blank.

...It turned out, whoever reminded me of white would be my soulmate.

 

Does that mean I'll never have a soulmate - or does it mean I haven't found them yet?

 

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Lmao - I asked nana if she had any Vaseline.

I did originally plan to take it into college for my exam tomorrow. I was going to rub it under my eyes so I looked like I was crying.

 

...But in effect, I got a little too carried away with Shelly on the phone.

Jeeez, it's fucking great for anal, rofl.

I've used all of it as well - she only gave me a little 10g tub with a little bit left in it.

 

It turns out that Ash can't sleep over on the Friday night, but she can still come for the Saturday and the Saturday night, and she's agreed to stay later on the Sunday.

 

...ROFL, you know what that means for Shelly and I.

Aw, I'm such a whore. :)

 

Ahhh... Shower together, and sex in a cozy double bed - for as long as we like, as late as we like, as loud as we like!

This shall indeed be interesting. :)            

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Dixie currently feels:

 Neutral

 

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Blog #52

Fucked Friday

 

 

Dad took me into college really early on today.

I shot up the stairs - I do believe I've broken my best time of ground-to-fourth.

 

I spent about 20 minutes sat around on the fourth floor, playing Solitaire.

I've passed the 100 plays mark - and I'm nearly at 200 wins. I'm getting a lot of streaks lately, it's proper weird.

 

Ash and Shelly came up a few minutes before the lesson - we hugged each other.

Shelly could be moving away - today could be the last day we spend with her at college. Hopefully she's coming tomorrow though - but that could end up being our last Saturday together...

 

Photography was absolute WANK.

The whole lesson was spent doing sketchbook work.

It's so time consuming. You can spend fucking ages on it and look like you've done absolutley fuck all.

 

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The Friday town excursion went well - but I really overdosed on sugar.

I ate a stupid amount of chocolate - then drank a stupid amount of Pepsi and Coke.

 

Ash and I went halves on some Dinky Doughnuts.

We bought a bag of 12 and some chocolate dip.

I had it balanced on my shoe - so Ash kept dripping it all over my Rocketdogs. Lmfao, it was a given.

 

As Ash claimed, what we were eating was indeed: "DIABETES IN A BAG."

Very true - but fucking nectar. :)

 

I was hyper off my tits shortly afterwards - but seemingly, not as bad as Shelly was. :P

There was a fat pigeon wandering around the pavement - she decided to name it after herself. So it became "the Shelly pigeon".

Then it wandered underneath Ash's wheelchair and got its head stuck between her spokes. Lmfao. :)

 

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Mary woke me up this morning - proper ringing me up at 8 in the morning.

The lesson was cancelled yesterday, so she was telling me that it's on today.

 

As soon as she mentioned "coming in to arrange a date to talk to her about coursework" - MY PHONE LOST ITS SIGNAL.

 

I shuffled into the B block lesson and instantly whimpered at her: "EEEEEER MAAAAAARY, I DIDN'T HANG UP ON YOOOOOU... MY PHONE LOST ITS SIGNAAAAAAL..."

 

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I've had Toy Boy stuck in my head all day.

I came home and downloaded it - listened to it on loop for a while.

 

Then I sorted out my images folder.

Deleted all of this old shite I found from 2006/2007.

Mainly shitty memories of Emily - heh. Now they're gone from my PC forever.

 

I was on the phone to Shelly for about 3 hours.

I proper couldn't be arsed doing anything - even playing Ocarina - so I just laid on my bed talking with her.

Then we masturbated together. She said she's going to do something nice for me tomorrow, in case its her last chance to. We've planned for her to come an hour or so before Ash comes.

 

Hee hee, whores be excited nao.

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Dixie currently feels:

 Neutral

 

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Blog #34

Expert fingers do you well!

 

 

Although the green sarcastic smiley says I'm neutral - I'm bordering on depressed.

That smiley really does look like a sarky little cunt. I can't actually find one that looks neutral.

 

I awoke after the funniest fucking dream EVER.

I often have weird dreams where Ashleigh does mental shit - but never as bad as last night's.

(I've had two dreams where I've killed her before - but comedy deaths, rather than cold blooded murder.)

 

We were all in college - the three of us, Shelly, Ash and myself - standing with a group of lads.

They were daring us to do mental shit. One of them dared me to stick a candle in my arsehole and light it.

...Oddly, I did it and seemed quite pleased with myself.

 

But then they turned to Ash - handed her a Snickers bar and dared her to stick it up her arse.

She didn't look amused - but she put her hand down the back of her trousers and did it - I watched the bulge of it sticking out slowly disappear as she fully inserted it.

Then they made her jump up and down and jog on the spot until she was really sweaty. By this point, the chocolate had melted inside of her - then they dared her to eat it.

So there she was, dripping in sweat, scraping chocolate from her backside and eating it.

 

I woke up and fucking pissed myself laughing.

I need to stop having such mental fucking dreams!

 

And the sick thing is; it's given me a craving for a Snickers. :D

I won't ever be able to look at Ash eating one the same way again. ROFL.

 

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I started my day by cleaning my teeth, tidying my room and thrashing away some Expert & Hard vocals on World Tour.

After I'd gotten dressed and brushed my hair - I decided to start on the drums career.

 

Dixie only went and got three 100%s in a row.

Easy shall not be a hard task for me.

Once I have mastered it - which doesn't look to be difficult at all - I shall move on to Medium gladly. :)

 

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Shelly turned up at half 12 - we played through a few songs on band quickplay - her on bass guitar and me on lead.

I picked some really stupid songs - ones I barely ever play, so I wasn't doing as well as I normally do.

 

LOL - 98% on Expert - terrible. :P

 

I then moved on to Wi-Fi - time to thrash the daily n00bs at guitar battle mode.

Shelly only seems too pleased to watch me on Wi-Fi - which is a bit weird. Not that I'm arsed like.

I'm just not the sort of person who can watch someone else play Guitar Hero.

I can watch Shelly and Ash on co-op mode - but only for around 5 songs, then I'll get a craving to play too.

 

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It became apparent after an hour or so that neither of us were as entertained by Guitar Hero as we normally are.

I was expecting this to happen of course...

 

We made out for a while on my bed - then I knew it was my time to repay her for what she did for me on Sunday.

The fact she was laid on top of me didn't quite fit with my initial plan - so I had to sort of re-arrange myself so I could take her top off.

I had a bit of fun fondling her breasts - squeezing them, licking them, sucking them - the like. She seemed to like this, so I moved on further down - undid her jeans and started to reward her.

 

Now yes, I was terrified at the aspect of giving pleasure to another - oddly, more so than I was accepting it.

My fingers are incredibly short - her little finger is the same length as my index finger - for a size comparison - but it seemed that they were working pretty well.

 

Either way - I made her come. I didn't think I'd done her justice; for you see, everything I do isn't good enough for anybody at all. ...Still, she insisted to me enough that I'd done better than most people do on their first time.

I'll have to take her word for it, I guess...

 

Hey - my fingers may be short, but just watch me thrash away some Expert guitar solos. Just watching my fingers moshing on the fret buttons will make you moist. :P

 

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Of course - I was satisfied with making her satisfied, but she wanted to have a go with me again.

I let her, of course. Lmfao, I be a bit of a whore sometimes. :P

 

So she felt me up, I took my clothes off - she started with my breasts then went down.

Wasn't bad. I will admit yes, better than Sunday.

She went a lot deeper, a lot harder - I enjoyed it a whole lot more.

She licked me a lot more too. This made me feel pretty honoured - I'm not comfortable with giving oral yet - and apparently she's only given oral to one other person besides me.

 

I wanted anal too though.

I'd even provided baby oil - but she was scared to. She asked me to show her how I did it to myself.

Now this was pretty embarrassing to say the least - but I did as she asked, had a little bit of fun with myself.

Just as she was about to take over for me - my mother only came in the front door.

 

DAMN IT WOMAN.

I had to put my clothes back on pretty quickly - rofl.

Though the panic did nothing to arouse me less. :P

 

Oh well, there's always next time. :P

 

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Once I'd cleaned myself up and gotten dressed again - I went and bought some chocolate - a Toffee Crisp for me (my 3rd favourite) and a Crunchie for Shelly (her favourites).

 

I got the usual bread and milk staples for mother too.

Came home - made up some egg mayo sarnies for myself and meatballs and chips for Shelly.

We watched The Simpsons together - always a great chill-out time is 6PM on channel 4. :)

 

After returning upstairs - we laid on my bed together, basking in the scent of the pillow mist I take great delight in spraying every several seconds.

I enjoy lavender more than I enjoy anal. Lmfao. Just imagine them both together. :D

 

But damn Shelly and her ways - she got me aroused YET AGAIN.

So fucking easily as well - so she ended up giving me some more.

 

Tee hee, the second time was so much better.

Despite the fact I had to try so hard not to make a great deal of noise, as my mam was downstairs - she went so hard with me and I almost reached a climax.

Most people only reach climax during masturbation though, so I'm not bothered. :)

 

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I've spent the rest of the night messing around on YouTube, playing with the trailer clips on Movie Maker and listening to my "NEW PLAYLIST".

It rules - it's a combo of 5, 4 and 3 star rated songs; the ones I'm currently listening to the most, ones I like on any occassion, my all-time favourites and some overlooked classics.

 

I very rarely skip a song when I listen to it. :D

_{i've decided that i want to post my more personal shit without having people i know figure out, really.  i mean i am very open & whatnot, but i wanted to write things, more ideas and in-depth somewhat.  so here goes...}

 

_{*i need to change this page's scheme, fo realz!*}

 

_{i'm a very sexual person.  i am not straight, i am not gay.  i am not picky.  that's what it is.  i don't like people because of sexual attraction, really.  i 106% of the time much more prefer a grade A personality and genuinity.  but that doesn't mean i don't look at people and lust....wishing to just pin him down and give him and good ol' BJ and swallow all his cum or get her on a couch and eat her out or finger fuck her like there's no tomorrow, making her cum so hard and swallowing all of her juices.  very lustful, i admit.  often horny.}

 

_{wrist-banging turns me on.  really can give myself an orgasm with that.  did it at work a couple times...starbucks.  hahahahahah!!!!!  i kind of gave in at the knees and disappeared behind the counter with an obvious expression of sexual pleasure on my face.}

 

_{i have learned to moderate my masturbation so that i don't get so raw and in pain when i finger myself.  always ALWAYS use condoms....have a ziplock full of those suckers.  dental dams, too, but i haven't used them yet.  actually just tried something new with my dildo.  put a golf ball on the top, covered both with a condom and went away at it.  sprayed like a fucking bitch, man, and had one of the best fucking orgasms ever!}

 

_{i just started having g-spot oriented orgasms.  before that, they've just been clit-based.  man, i love learning new stuff each day!}