Martial @ MindSay

   

Related tags

 

   


 

   
Ultimate Fight Psychology, MMA Mental Game, Combat Sports Psychology, Mixed Mart

Ultimate Fight Psychology, MMA Mental Game, Combat Sports Psychology, Mixed Martial Arts, Boxing, Wrestling




Attention All Combat Athletes - MMA Fighters, Boxers, Martial Artists and Grapplers



"Who Else Wants To Unleash their Mind as a Dangerous Weapon, Utterly Destroy their Opponents... and Finally Fulfill their Destiny of Becoming a Dominate Fighter?”

















































Finally, the Renegade Fighter Mental Gurus reveal their secret, easy-to-use combat sports psychology techniques to overcome lack of confidence, skill, physical power and experience in the ring.


Every top fighter and coach in the world agrees that ultimate success in the combat sports is 60%-90% MENTAL... when was the last time YOU Trained your Brain?


Hey Future Champion Fighter,


If you're sick and tired of busting your ass in training, and still not coming out the victor,


If you want to crush your opponents skull and his will to fight... from the opening bell,


If you want to win - consistently,


If you're plagued with nagging injuries, fatigue, or on a friggin' losing streak,


If you want to stay calm and ultra-confident, even when looking across the ring at the top contender and the biggest fight of your life, then keep reading, because we have some great news...


As hundreds of "Renegade" fighters from all over the globe can attest - a razor sharp mental game can overcome a great deal of physical and skill deficiencies, and get your fighting career back on track FAST.
















"Although most fighters believe that the fight is 90 percent mental and ten percent physical, they train 90 percent physical and ten percent mental. That is going to have to change as MMA continues to evolve or those fighters will be left behind."


Randy Couture

Former UFC Heavyweight and Light Heavyweight Champion




Bill Gladwell and Stephen Ladd here; we're known as the Renegade Mental Coaches because we don’t buy into the mainstream sports psychology BS.



Together we have over 37 years of intense personal and professional study into the mind-body connection including four academic degrees, dozens of internships with the most respected authorities in the sports and personal change arenas, and extensive travel throughout southeast Asia in search of more substantial (and perhaps lesser known) answers to the question of which techniques do champion athletes use to gain the mental edge over their opponents.


In the end, we were able to formulate a simple do-it-yourself system that generates all of the benefits of traditional sports psychology, hypnosis, energy medicine and meditation practice - without all the psycho-babble, drum circles or the need to sit and stare at a blank wall for hours.



There is a better way!







MMA Mental GameIntroducing Renegade Mindset Techniques for Fighters



A Perfect Blend of Ancient Wisdom and Cutting-Edge Science - Simplified Into a Program That Will Produce Kick-Ass Results Your Very Next Fight!














Most fighters are at a HUGE disadvantage and will NEVER be able to perform well consistently.


What the top pros and World Champions know (and would like to keep a secret) is that you can never excel in combat sports...


Until You Get Out of Your Own Way.


Any fighter that's been in the game more than a few years and has put in the hard work know how to fight. You've got your own individual strengths and know how to use them to exploit your opponents weaknesses. Your body knows how to be victorious in the ring. It's your MIND that gets in the way and creates the tension, doubt, anxiety - screwing everything up.



Eliminate the interference from the mind, and your true fighting prowess can finally be revealed. This is the KEY to dominating all of your competitors (even those with more skill and experience), and to rise to the top of your combat sport.


For the last 16 years we've been revealing these ultra-simple and lighting-fast techniques to athletes from over 21 different sports.


We've coached hundreds of fighters from 14 countries. And as you can see from the testimonials on this page, our methods work for the elite professionals to the rank beginner, and everyone in between. Just like they'll work for you.


Clients pay us $250.00 an hour for private one-on-one instruction (when our schedule permits, which is rarely). They pay these fees happily… because these techniques work like magic.


What you'll discover is a combination of do-it-yourself tools that no one else in the fight game is teaching.


These are secret methods to induce a state of focused relaxation, killer confidence, and instant flow (aka in the zone). And you certainly don't have to buy into any philosophy, religion or creed. It's all about setting you up for success in the ring.



Are our Renegade Mindset Techniques for you?


Yeah, probably.


 



What we've done is combined the Three Most Powerful (yet misunderstood and neglected) Weapons of Mind Control and Self-Mastery and adapted them specifically to fight sports.


1) Neuro-Linguistic Programming


Some coaches make NLP all complicated and stuffy, but it’s actually really cool shit that just plain WORKS. That’s why it’s often referred to as a “technology” instead of a science – because it doesn’t care about theory… only results.



Tony Robbins simplified NLP for the masses with his Personal Power programs back in the 1990’s. He trained everyone from top level CEO’s to housewives how to achieve their dreams in record time.



We’re going to show you how to use these techniques for peak performance in your combat sport.


2) Energy Psychology - The Ultimate "Tap Out"


There are many different forms of energy psychology.


You are going to discover how to “tap” into your body’s energy system and induce relaxation, eliminate fears and negative belief systems, and get into the zone – often in minutes.


It’s based on the ancient art of acupuncture, except you don’t use needles – just your fingertips.


Sounds crazy - but kicks ass.


3) Hypnosis


That’s right, hypnosis.


I know what some of you are probably thinking…


But not the B.S. kind of hypnosis that you’ve probably heard about or seen in movies.


No swinging watches here, and nobody’s going to be made to act like a friggin’ chicken!


Nope, these fight game specific audio hypnosis sessions are designed to program your subconscious mind for ultimate success in the ring or octagon. All you have to do is sit back and relax and listen to the tracks for 20 minutes a day.


You get three (3) complete fighter hypnosis sessions:


1) Renegade Killer Confidence and Speed Demon


2) Renegade Rapid Recovery


3) Renegade Fighter and the Minds Eye


Once you get your unconscious mind and your “awake” brain on the same team, you’ll be a very dangerous fighter.



Here’s Just a Small Sample of What You’ll Discover: 




  • Why most fighters NEVER reach their true potential! (Here's a hint: hard work has nothing to do with this!)

  • Discover the amazingly simple strategies developed by a Stanford Engineer to help war veterans overcome post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)... and how to use these same tools to attain unstoppable confidence... Instantly!

  • Why traditional positive thinking sucks... and what to do instead

  • How to enter "the zone" at will... and stay there

  • How to quickly eliminate negative thoughts that kill your performance




  • How to annihilate fear and doubt, no matter how big the event or ominous the opponent

  • How to perform to your true potential - everytime you step in the ring

  • How to never choke again, EVER!

  • How to silence your "inner critic" once and for all. If there's one thing holding you back from making the big time, this is it.

  • How a little known cure for sea sickness can calm your nerves before a fight

  • Avoid the mistake that almost every fighter makes... before leaving home!

  • Get rid of negative barriers that are ruining your potential and costing you fights... (you're probably not even aware of them)

  • A short cut to relaxed focus (this works like magic in any pressure situation!)

  • How to easily remain calm and confident during a fight... regardless of your opponent or how dire the situation

  • How your fingertips can get you in "the zone" (trust us - you've never heard this before!)

  • Develop the laser focus most fighters only dream about

  • NEVER feel intimidated or self-conscious in the ring again

  • How to free yourself from the burden of mistakes and poor performances in the past

  • What Albert Einstein and quantum physics have to do with being "the next big thing"

  • What to do after a fight to guarantee ongoing success

  • Shatter your limiting beliefs about your abilities... and fight with power


 

"So What’s the Bottom Line?"


Clients pay us $250.00 an hour for private one-on-one instruction (when our schedules permit, which is rarely). They pay these fees happily…because these Renegade techniques work like magic. You will feel the power in your mind AND body right out of the gate, after using the RMT routines for only a few minutes!



For a LIMITED TIME – Renegade Mindset Techniques for Fighters is being offered at a fraction of its’ true retail value.



We're so damn jacked to get this manual into widespread circulation that we have decided to make you an offer that is irresistible – for limited time, claim your Renegade Mindset Techniques for Fighters E-Book Manual & Three Combat Athlete Hypnosis Cds for





ONLY $57


Now For a Limited Time


ONLY $37


This is probably about what you pay for a tub of protein powder. Even if you're scraping by, think what you spend on training, equipment, supplements, etc. What's it worth to you to finally end the frustration and achieve the level of success you deserve?


Our business manager thinks we're totally nuts for practically giving this information away. But we promise you, this price will not last long (I’ve been advised to sell the e-book for at least $97. And as much as we shun authority and being told what to do, we will follow this advice…soon). But, if you ACT RIGHT NOW, you are able to take advantage of this price and you will also receive THREE FREE BONUSES worth over $220!











Bonus 130 DAYS OF PERSONAL RENEGADE FIGHTER EMAIL COACHING!! That’s right!... you get to send us your personal questions about how to tailor these killer techniques specifically to your fight game. Do you need more confidence before big fights, better focus during training camps, improved will-power when cutting weight, or a few extra tricks to finally take down the top contenders and get your shot at the title? In the past we have only offered this service to my professional fighters, at a price tag of $200 a month. ($200 value)










Bonus 2– Special Video Report - The Top Three Striking Flaws - 3 time Golden Gloves Champ and USA Boxing Coach Rob Pilger reveals the big three striking mistakes among MMA fighters - and how to fix them. Instant Streaming Video. ($9.99 value)













Bonus 3– Special E-Report and Video Renegade Resistance Stretching for Fighters - Old-school passive stretching is for pansies! It's not effective and often leads to injury. Learn the secret stretching protocols that Olympic athletes from around the globe have been using for years. Resistance Stretching builds flexibility AND strength- for more power in the ring. Downloadable PDF format and Instant Streaming Video. ($17 value)




But you must act right now to be eligible for this limited time e-mail coaching offer. We can only reserve 50 spots per month to ensure that you receive our full attention and top-notch service (the only kind we offer). So click on the order button below and claim your copy of Renegade Mindset Techniques for Fighters plus all the bonuses.






golf mental, golf psychology


The Renegade Mindset Unconditional Money Back Guarantee 



We insist that you order any of the Renegade Mindset for Fighters products entirely at our risk. That is why it comes with a 100% Eight Week Money Back Guarantee. There is absolutely NO RISK on your part. If for any reason you decide that this system isn't for you, then just notify us for a full refund. No questions asked. No forms to fill out. You'll receive a full and immediate refund of every penny you paid. You may request a refund for any reason whatsoever if you believe you have not received an outstanding value or if the Renegade Mindset system just isn’t right for you.



Just read the manual, listen to the CDs and apply the techniques – your fighting performance will improve! On the rare chance that you are not totally and completely satisfied thrilled with the results, simply email us and we will send you a NO HASSLES/NO QUESTIONS 100% REFUND.



If you’re even remotely interested in improving your fighting future, then you owe it to yourself to at least try Renegade Mindset Techniques for Fighters. I don’t think you would have read this far if you weren’t really serious about your future in the ring.



Be a Renegade,

golf mental, golf psychology, best golf training aid

Coaches Bill & Stephen


P.S. Don't decide now. Take Renegade Mindset for a test drive, risk-free. If you don't immediately have more confidence and focus, and feel a real increase in your ability to fight at a higher level, then we insist that you receive a full refund, no questions asked. You've got nothing to lose (except the negative mental BS that's been holding you back).



P.P.S. Don't wait - We can only guarantee our private email coaching and other bonuses if you order NOW. As soon as you do, you'll be able to instantly download the e-book version of the manual and the Special Reports and Videos, and begin your fighting metamorphosis right away.


Order Online 24 Hours A Day, 7 Days A Week,

365 Days A Year




golf mental, golf psychology








All orders are processed on a SECURE server.

golf mental, golf psychology



 



NOTE: Renegade Mindset Techniques for Fighters is a downloadable e-book. After you order, you will get INSTANT ACCESS to download the e-book onto your computer. The e-book version format is a PDF, which can be viewed on both PC and Mac.



 

















MMA Mental Game

Coaches Bill & Stephen

"The Renegade Fighter Mental Gurus"
 







Get our Special Report "How to Say "F#ck You!" to Fear & Pre-Fight Anxiety and Kick Ass" and a Video Demo of The Instant Confidence Technique...



For FREE



Click here

















































































 
Have You Heard What Other Fighters and Coaches Are Saying?





Calm and Confident





"Hello Coaches!!

Things are going really good. I've had two league fights and I won them both. I listened to the Killer Confidence audio hypnosis track 10 times in 2 weeks. I also used the energy right before the fight to clear some negative stuff, and then an hour before the fight to calm down and center. I was able to achieve a never before calmness and confidence which gave me great game focus.

You guys rule!"



Michael Sohm

Vice National Champion U23

3rd Place National Team

Germany









Pure Gold





“Being in the fight game for most of my life, I can tell you that success in the ring is at least 80% mental. These Renegade Techniques aren't like the stuff you hear about from pansy-ass sports psychologists. As a fighter or a coach - you NEED these secret skills or you'll be at a huge disadvantage... pure gold!"



Rob Pilger

3x Golden Gloves Champion

Level II USA Boxing Coach

Old Skool Fight Sports Academy

Columbus, Ohio









Legal Steroids For Your Brain!





"At the highest level of competition, the mental game can become the deciding factor between who wins and who get beaten. The Renegade Mindset techniques are some of the most unique and immediately useful tools that I have seen for combat athletes. It's like legal steroids for your brain! I highly recommend them. I only wish I had them back when I was competing!




Jeff Bucher

Former NCAA Div 1 Wrestler

134 pound weight class


Toledo , Ohio









The Future of Fight Psychology




"Renegade Mindset is the future of fight psychology. With all my years of traditional education in sports medicine - I'll admit that I was skeptical at first. But after personally witnessing so many remarkable improvements in my fighters, I'm a believer. My advice to fighters is to use it or get beaten by those who do!


Eric Serrano, MD

Consultant to combat athletes worldwide









No Fear


"These tools have worked great! I no longer have any fear before my fights. Just a few months ago I almost puked before a fight because I was so nervous. It made me feel weak. Now after using your Renegade Fighter hypnosis Cds I always feel confident and won my last fight by knockout!"



Todd Farmer

MMA Fighter

Boston, MA










Stamina Mojo


"I've been using the fatigue fighter method between rounds and it has made a HUGE difference in my stamina. After years of not knowing why I would gas out even though my conditioning was on target, now I have your simple system to keep my mind from killing my mojo.


Thanks!"



Kerry Sals

Heavyweight Boxer

Munich, Germany








 


Valuable For All Fighters


"After reading the manual and listening to the Cds, I think what you are offering fighters is great. I now have numerous ways to mentally prepare for an upcoming fight. The Cds really do make me relax and focus on the important stuff and "get out of my own way", as you like to say, and just fight the way I know I can. The program is very valuable and I think that all kind of fighters will benefit from it. Thanks!!"



Zsofia Lester

Female Boxer

Columbus, Ohio










This Shit ROCKS!


"I'll admit I was skeptical at first, but this shit ROCKS! No one else doing stuff like this, which gives me and my team the edge that we are looking for. Keep up the good work."



Mark Irwin

MMA Fighter

St. Paul, MN










Nerves of Steel


"When I made the switch from wrestling over to MMA, I was nervous about all the new fighting skill I had to learn and my confidence was low. I used to hate being stared down before a fight and felt weak. Not anymore! After just two weeks of your renegade program I walk into the octagon knowing I am a great fighter. I look forward to the stare down because I now have nerves of steel. Awesome!



Lou Wallace

MMA Fighter

Bloomington, IN







Clear Head = Victory!




"Coach Stephen,

I want to thank you guys for this program. I was able to keep my cool through all seven rounds of my Gladiator last night. I didn't get flustered and start throwing wild rights like I normally do. My trainer was highly impressed with my fast progress. I was able to keep a clear head and even took my heaviest opponent down with a straight overhand right in the 5th round!

Thanks again for this awesome program. I'm really making progress in my training again.



Mindy Deter

Female Boxer

New York, NY








Results Within Minutes




Stephen Ladd’s Renegade Mindset programs for athletes are innovative and powerfully effective. They are on the leading edge of sports performance enhancement. Yes, he’s a renegade, but a friendly one, with a cheeky sense of humor and a refreshingly pragmatic approach. The best thing is that you can start getting results NOW, within minutes of applying his techniques. There is no need to be held back any longer. Stephen’s Renegade Mindset materials will equip you with the tools you need to blast through your previous limits and propel your performance to new heights.



Steve Wells.

Psychologist and Peak Performance Specialist

Australia






More...

share:












  Delicious Bookmark this on Delicious Share on Facebook    
 
 
   
 

Martial Arts, Football, and Homecoming

So...quick update.

 

A number of students from Lindon tested to their next rank today, including three of my students. Everybody passed, even though I did make them fix the suggestions on their papers before I gave them their belts. Brian and Gill did very well, which was a releif, because they only put forth good effort sometimes. I never doubt their ability of their skill, which is why I reccomended them, but they often don't try very hard. Hailey, on the other hand, I didn't worry about one bit. Her technique isn't perfect, for lack of power and deep stances, but she ALWAYS tries. She shows up for class every time and she's always excited to learn. Now if only her parents would feed her.

 

Aside from those three, I reccomended Rylee, who was probably best qualified for the promotion, but he wasn't able to make it for some reason. I'm going to ask Mrs. West if I can test him privately, because he deserves to be at the head of the class.

 

From the Adults class, Ryan tested. For some reason, her mother and Mrs. West have been cracking down on her rather harshly, whereas I think she's doing great, one of the best in the class, actually. The vests tested, which is good. Sydney pretested, but she's not even close yet. I need to work with her on her short-spears, and she needs to learn the names of her forms, and get more comfortable with them. It's too bad I'm not going to be able to stay for the Saturday class, not that I'd get a chance to work with the redbelts anyway.

 

So I filmed the AF game. It was an entertaining...well...not an entertaining game, exactly. The first and fourth quarters were fun to watch, but by the end of the third I was about ready to cry...not for the reason you think, but that's beside the point. By all rights, I think we should have one, or at least done A LOT better than we did. Our offense had it together probably as well or better than theirs, if for no other reason, because we can run more than one play. AF had zero passing game, but that was okay, because they could pull off that same damn run every time, up until the fourth quarter when our defense finnally got it together. I will concede that AF earned every touchdown they got in that quarter, but our defense handed them the rest of the game on a silver platter. That one running back is good...but not seven TD's in one game-good. That, and it's time for us to get a new kicker...and start Skatty. Stewart needs to play second string....or golf.

 

Even I've got the sense to get rid of the ball on time. Not that trying to pick up a few in a last desperate attempt is a bad idea; usually it's prefered, but not past a certain point of indecision. Christian sees that point a little too often.

 

AF's marching band kicks ass.

 

No, really. Better than BYU. It's friggin super bowl.

 

And their cheerleaders are hot.

 

Homecoming prep is going well. Things are coming together, and all things considdered, I'm getting off easy in the wallet. It's still a lot of money, but it's reasonable. I'm getting off easier than I did with prom anyway, but back then I could afford it.

 

The only thing that has yet to be determined still is how we're going to manage lunch if the wheather is too cold or nasty. I'm past the point of apprehension of not having anything planned, but I still don't know how this is going to come across. Jessica is really the only person I'm worried about impressing, and somehow I'm not too nurvous about that, but we'll see. It doesn't help that I don't know her incredibly well. But hey, we did this same activity for her seventh birthday, so at least I've got that on my side. I worry a little about Kim, but she's so happy-go-lucky anyway, I'm sure things will work out there too. Besides that, I don't answer to Kim, and much less do I answer to the other two. I'm not the female expert, but I think the measure of the success of a group date doesn't reflect on the dynamics of the group so much as it does the individual male escort.

 

And even if I'm wrong about any of that, it will come across as Taylor's fault -_-'

 

Now, if only they would pick some place ON THIS SIDE OF THE LAKE to host homecoming >_>

 
 
 

   
Clutzy moment

I had a contacts appointment today.

 

So guess what I go and do? I knock myself in the eye with my glasses on whilst I'm rushing to get ready.

 

Brilliant timing! Thus I had to cancel the appointment and change it for 9am on Monday morning. Because you can't get fitted for contacts when your eye is red and watery. Talk about an embarrasing phone call. At least the guy had the decency not to laugh when I called up to cancel.

 

Yes, I'm getting contacts. Hard ones, so it'll take a while for me to get used to them. So when I start ti-chi (one of these days...) I won't be at a disadvantage in sparring where you can't wear glasses. :)

 

LIBRARY

 

Ohhhhhhh and the job I've been waiting for at one of the public libraries has been advertised! Yay.

 

It's a Community Outreach Library Officer. Which is perfectly aligned with what I've been doing lately. It's pretty much to do with the multicultural side of the library, and 'reaching out to the community' which is pretty much what we've been discussing in our Small Groups (kinda like Life Group that Jestar as well as Whitechapel talk about).

 

The job criteria likes languages so my Spanish and Spanish Ambassador work will go down well.  I might ask my tutor for a written note that I participated in the Spanish Ambassador program. They also like it if you can design brochures and pamphlets, which is cool, 'cause I can do that pretty well.

 

I'd like to learn Japanese and Chinese one of these days, but I've heard they're so, so difficult... I might plan to go to those countries to learn it overseas once I've finished my degree. I've heard it's better to learn the languagein the country you're in.

 

I'm also interested in Gaelic, but that's more for my novel than the actual speaking of it.

 

So I might have to defer Uni for 6 months, but I can handle that if I get offered a 37.5 hour Library Officer job that is very hard to get.

 

Wish me luck :) I'm working on selection criteria over the weekend so that I can apply on Monday or Tuesday morning.

 

Hasta luego!

 
 
   
 

Valentine's Day, Fighting, and Family
I hate valentine's day! I think I use more profainity during this day than all the rest of the year combined. Every "Happy Valentine's Day" from every teacher was met with a synical rebuttal. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! During the rest of the year, I'm never really sure if anybody cares about me, but this is the one day that it's painfully appearant just how unloved I am. Well I got news for all you valentine idolitrars: FRACK YOU!

Better than what I was going to say.

On a happier note, yesterday Cheryl lent me the key to the martial arts studio. Today I opened at 4:00 and took out some of my valentine's day frustration on the bags. Unfortunately I couldn't fully unload because Kyle's genius mother dropped him off an hour earlier than she should have, thinking it was Monday, so I spent the whole time I would have spent booting bag trying to explain to the kid why Football is so much better than Golf. He doesn't get it, but he will! He will.

I still have the key. The Calendar says that there's no class on Friday, but since I've got the key, Mrs. West asked me if I could show up and teach the kids class. As Cheryl moves away from teaching more and more (which she's as excited about as I am, or more), that class is becoming more and more of my class. I try to be the same mean old cuss that Mrs. West was to us when we were kids, but it's all in vain. I can't seem to hide from those kids the fact that I'm soft-hearted, caring, and fun. After class Sydney's kid sister of seven or eight years (who has the biggest crush on me, it's so cute) comes up and attacks me, and the rest of them follow suit.

"What is this?! I'm supposed to be the mean teacher!"

"NO WAY!" Says Haleigh. "You're the FUN teacher!"

I tried to be mean and demand respect; It turns out I'm only capable of being strict and commanding respect, which seems more effective anyway. And more fun for that matter! Those kids are gaining more than an instructor, they're gaining a friend. My instructors of yesteryear are all friends now, of course, but that was a relationship that never happened when I was young. Only through persistance, dedication, and strong work-ethic did I earn the status in which I am now held. That is honorable, but cold and corperate. I have a great love for Mrs. West, but I can't teach like her, even though I try.

It's also put her in a better position. Now I'm the one saying "no treats today," and she's the good guy and comes in and spoils them. Consequently, when she does finish up the boreing desk work and join us in class, the students are much more likely to listen to her critisism than we were. She was always like that to us. I guess I have, in some small way, put her, too, in a position to command - rather than demand - respect.

As far as my personal progression towards second dan is concerned, well, I'm not paying for instruction, so I'm not stressing it too much. Whenever I can help going to Provo on Thursdays (and Tuesdays, if I don't have mutual), I go and the Master will have me learn something or another. I know they feel bad down there when they have to ask me to help out. And why not, I'm not traveling four miles to teach, I do that at my studio. I don't make a big deal out of it, but I am there to learn, the few times that I'm able to make it at all.

I won't make it tomorrow. I'm sluffing school to drive up to Willard for Grandma Tucker's funeral. MAN I'm going to miss her! I loved her so much! It's funny how she was still the matriarch of our family right up until the very end. She'll always be Grandma to me. It's not so sad when somebody passes on whose time it was to go; I don't feel a tremendous, wrenching, life-shattering heartache. But I can't help being just a little bit sad that she's not going to be around anymore. This will certainly be a celebration of her life, and a full life it was.

Dad wants to use the funeral as an outbox to pass out invites to my court of honor, which is going to be held on the third, the day before my birthday. I thought that was just a little bit disrespectful to Grandma, but I suppose in Utah you can get away with that. Besides, the only things that Grandma would have been prouder of me for would have been a mission, marriage, and a great-great grandchild. I certainly do want my family there with me. Members of my immediate and even some extended family helped me directly to earn this a great deal. There is no doubt that it was my persistance and dedication that earned the award, sure, but even those qualities are given me by the members of my family that I've known, loved, and associated with my whole life. So, in essence, I'm being rewarded for the products of their efforts.

Because, as Master West is fond of saying, "You are the sum of all the people you meet in life. You never know the effect a friendship will have on you, or the effect that you can have on others."
 
 
 

   
More mental crap
Rick told me to blog every day, so even though I don't really feel like it, here it goes.

Math homework again. I'm SOOOOOO behind. And I couldn't finish it tonight, so I'm going to wake up early tomorrow and see what I can't get done. But that probably means I ought to hit the sac pretty soon here, or else five am is going to be...well there's no nice word for it, hell.

My frustration with my grades and the beaurocracy of anal highschool is not reaching critical mass, but it is reaching REALLY-beginning-to-piss-me-off stage. I'm looking forward to the end of this year. A lot.

I got to talk with Hannah today. Yay for me. That always makes me feel better.

Well, if it's not a major flip-around, I don't know what is. I've been talking to this girl on-line, (I think she got my MSN from Alex of Wyoming (she IS dating him)), and last night the conversation was so far outside of g-rated I'm ashamed of it. But tonight, I turned it around with an apology and an explaination behind my feelings of guilt, which led into a discussion about Temple Marriage, and then she asked the magic question, "How do you know that it's true?"

They may make a missionary out of me yet.

I ran the NFL national fitness test. It kicked my butt. I actually threw up when I was finished. And yes, it was blood. Gross eh? The test goes that you run the length of the basketball court on the buzzer, and then the buzzer sounds again and you go back. It slowly picks up pace so that by lap thirty I'm barely making it across the court in time. If you don't get over the line a second time by the time the buzzer sounds, you're out. I made it to like thirty-one or so before I couldn't make it across in time. I'm so frustrated because my muscles could take me so much farther and so much faster, but my lungs and especially my heart are just so weak. I think my heart may have actually cracked a rib.

Then we undressed and watched Hoosiers. None of us could hear Gene Hackman because we were all coughing so bad. Between the inverted air and the death-running, we were all toast.

I suppose I'm a little bit frustrated with my inadequacies. I should have, could have, and would have stayed in longer if my heart and lungs were just a little stronger.

But if I keep working the way I have been every weekday besides Tuesday (gotta do the mutual thing), that should be taken care of. The martial arts are kind of a good vent for my emotion, because (as I just typed to Hannah) physical pain is an immaculate releif for emotional pain. But unlike those poor souls that have no vent and turn to the knife, I have a healthy outlet that will slowly bring me towards an improved state of physical fitness, which has never been my forte.

I'm beginning the process of disecting my emotional turmoil into something logical and easy to understand. So I suppose I ought to be nice to that guy, he's smart and all, and he very obviously knows what he's talking about. Besides that, a professional willing to work on a private level for so little cost is a great honor that I ought to respect, even if I don't enjoy it.

But back to my issues, I'm beginning to understand the process of what exactly it is that triggers my depression. It's of course, a feeling of lonelyness or reclusiveness that invokes it, or familiar sights and sounds that I associat with memories or emotional memories that I associate with loneliness, abandonment, detatchment, or severence. This, as he told me, may be why anything involving associations with that girl (which ought to be happy feelings) invoke painful, painful, horrible horrible torterous emotion. That is, she moved, we detatched, my confidante has, through no fault of her own, left me to my own devices. Subconsciously, this invokes abandonment and detatchment. Similarly, I see her rooting for the opponent team, that is another subconscious association with abandonment. This is a logical breakdown of triggers I thought to be so irational. A yearbook, a sports team, a large, painted mural, trivial things, stupid things, things that shouldn't bother me as much as they do.

And good heavens, mother of all hells, all-consuming flame of ever-present doom and whatever other curses are appropriate at this point, THEY DO BOTHER ME! A HELL OF A LOT TOO! More than anything else has bothered me before. I've seen horrible things in my life. I've seen children and babies thrown from a car, dead and bleeding on the freeway. I've seen a reinactment of my savior and brother being nailed to a wooden beam and hoisted onto the hillside, broken and humiliated. I've seen disgusting, low-life young men visciously beat beautiful, innocent young women. I've seen close friends and family drive blades into their wrists, I've seen it all. And I'm sensitive, these things bother me a lot. And I cannot downplay how much they do. It's good, it means I am not yet past feeling; it means there is still hope for my soul.

And yet, even after all of that, the things that got to me more than anything, that really tore me apart inside beyond what I thought I was capable of experiencing, were those triggers, those stupid things that have to do with Hannah all the time.

Do you see now, Hannah, even though you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, even though nobody can do the same good for my soul as you can, even though you're the best friend that I could ever hope for, that I refuse to drive near your home anymore, why I turn off the radio the instant a song mentions that word, the reason that I can't hardly talk about your school, old or new, without spitting, screaming, and throwing a fit of irrational rage? Besides that, you don't need a friend unstalbe like me. You're too good for that. You've got a good thing going for you up there. Don't let me be a part of that, depression and distruction only follow in my wake.

See now? This is what happens when I take that man's crummy advice. I felt fine before I started writing. Fag!
 
 
   
 

Showing 1 - 5.   [ Next ]
 
Latest Comment
Re: speaking and understanding - be that as it may, but my job requires me to be able to communicate with...

Read...


 
© 2005-2007 MindSay Interactive LLC
| Terms of Service
| Privacy Policy
My Account
Inbox
Account Settings
Lost Password?
Logout
Blog
Update Blog
Edit Old Entries
Pick a Theme
Customize Design
Modify Plugins
Community
Your Profile
Wiki Pages
MindSay Tags
Video & Photos
Geographic Directory
Inside MindSay
About MindSay
MindSay and RSS
Report Spam
Contact Us
Help