Manipulation @ MindSay

People are fucking weird. I’m weird. You’re weird. Everybody you know is weird and everybody you don’t know is weird. Weird. That one word universally describes humans. Accurately describes humans. Describe a human. Faithful companions of collectors of fashion, endorsing the maximum entropy Markov model in accordance with the natural law of humans, weird.

 

It all boils down to perspective. A person has something in their head. Let’s say thing 1. A different person has something in their head. Let’s say thing 2. It is impossible for those two things to be identical. No matter how closely they resemble each other they are different. They may be equivalent but they are not equal. Thing 1 is not thing 2 and can never be thing 1 can never be thing 2. The universe belongs to a single person. Better yet, a person has their own universe. You are weird to me because you are not me. I am weird to you because you are not me. Get out of your fucking head, weirdo.

 

Fuck that. I’m not weird. You’re weird. I own the world and everything in it til death do us part mother fuck shitball. It all boils down to my perspective. Nothing else is real. When I walk through a crowd I determine how they feel. My god is the God. I am the model for perceiving . I define what a family is. I define what a friend is. I define what music is, love is, culture is, education is, class is, classless is, sex is, right is, state is, meaning is. I define what is. That’s why, in the end, the human race is fucked. Perspective cannot play nicely, it is just too unfriendly. Fuck weird.

February 15th, 2009: 8:54 A.M A.M ~ Top Blogs: 3nd Place. 2 Votes.
Holy crap, guys! Thanks so much! 0.o

Well, it's currently twenty minutes until two A.M. I can't sleep. So I wrote this, and it holds more of a personal meaning than a past poem, 'You', did. I'll explain why later. Again, yes, it has to do with the topic of abuse. Sorry for writing about it again. It's just something I feel I have to write about. Please enjoy! :)

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Cliffs, Confusion, and Inner Conflict
Written by Emily G. Fieldus

My eyes are burning, as I shed these tears,
It's like the past; the blood from my wrists;
I can't explain why I cry over you,
Though, right now, it's only the most I can do.

Don't push me off a cliff,
And then go down to catch me.
Stop rolling the die, we know it's gonna be the same.
I'm quitting this game.

Don't tell me what I want to hear,
We both know that you won't mean it;
Don't glare at me with eyes so sheer,
As I reapply my cloak of fear.

Mysterious, delirious,
I've figured you out;
Two-faced, quick-erase,
Where are you when I need you?

I can't stop holding on,
You think I'd have let go;
My heart, my mind, my soul,
Are out of my control now.

Why do I still love you,
Like you said, you had all the answers;
Everything's broken, shattered to pieces,
My urge to stay slowly decreases.

The edge of a dream and a nightmare,
Somebody classify what this is;
I'm now on this cliff once more,
Bracing this fall, my bones will snap as I hit the floor...

With my broken back upon the rough surface,
I shall ask you, with all fear removed;
"...Why... Did you treat me this way...?"
I take one last breath, inhaling all the memories, as you shake your head in dismay...

And die.


- February 15th, 2009.
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I used to self-harm back in April-ish or so. I don't do it anymore. So that's where the second line came from, and I always imagined that they were my bottled up tears in the forms of my own blood. I know, a little confusing. In an emotional abuse relationship, your abuser may insult you - then the next day, may shower you with compliments. That's where the "cliffs" come in.

I would greatly appreciate it if you would tell me what you thought of this. :) Bear in mind, it's now 2 A.M over here and I'm overtired and wasn't in much of a mood to think. XD
Hope you enjoyed this. :)

Once upon a time, a very long time ago, a girl decided to transfer to a different school. A private school, to be more specific. Well, in this school she made two friends. They all played together as best friends (And a clique) for two years, until one of her friends discovered that they were being manipulated by the other. After a large argument... no... a war ensued. Well, the manipulator transfered out of the school, while the girl and her former clique-mate stayed close... ish.

Well, two years after the incident, the girl went to a summer camp, and made a new friend.
This girl was the nicest person she knew.
So she thanked her one day, for not being a manipulative bitch.
The girl's new friend went back to school, and a few months later, informed her that she went to two classes with the manipulator.
Well, the girl was in such a state of shock, she...
Well, she began to giggle.
Then full-on laugh out loud.
When she was finished, she dried her eyes and asked for info on the manipulator.
The best friend was worried. She'd accidentally let it slip that she was bisexual to the manipulator, and the manipulator was known for blowing things out of proportion, and spreading outrageaus rumors about people. She was afraid something would be spread about her. In her own words, "I'm practically kissing her feet!"
So now the girl is trying to think of ways to avoid nasty rumors being spread about her best friend.
One fool-proof way, is if she goes to that school, and gives the manipulator the tongue-lashing of her life!
But, alas, that would be foolish...
Maybe...

The End!

When the only thing you have in your bag of tricks is fear,  can you fool most of the people most of the time?  

This...is a lot of the manipulation/brainwashing I had to deal with in my life. No one has seen this list, at least all of it since it was written.  I've had to overcome a lot since all of this was written summer of 06. It's taken the last year to overcome it.  And every now and then when I'm feeling down, I slide back into it a great deal, like I am right now. It's a great deal of why I have so much trouble trusting people, and have so much trouble letting go of the people I trust.  It kinda explains a lot of my life I guess.  It's actually really hard for me to read all of it.  I haven't done so in a long long time. This along with my This is me list were mostly things I wrote out from all the things that I was told about myself from him.  Words put in my mouth if you will. I'm not sure why I'm putting it on here, but I am.  My own kind of self therapy. It was in my work email, so here it is, the things I was constantly told. It doesn't paste pretty but oh well. Never have I felt safer being out of that relationship...

 

I want to understand me.

How much I affect people- self importance

 

Fears set your limits, they stop you before you even start

Overcoming fears tell who you are, you learn your strengths and weaknesses

Facing fears is like taking a gamble where you can’t be afraid of the outcome, you can’t let that hold you back; it’s putting everything on the table, and being willing to lose it, while knowing that you might get it

My comfort zone created my fears, causing me to do the same things over and over without wanting to change things and don't know

 

A person will never put all their love into a relationship completely until they realize the sacrifices that come

You sacrifice independence in order to depend on the other person

 

When you know yourself understand your importance and accept that

 

You’ve got to let yourself follow what you want if you can't find the courage to pursue the things you want you will never have them

 

Real happiness doesn’t come from the size of your jeans. It comes from personal strength, self-respect and knowing yourself.

 

Being afraid of being myself is like being with someone you don't trust

 

I want to understand you and be able to apply it to the way I treat you.

 

Project the ways he could react and put that against what you know about him

 

My fears with the project created two sides; Todd vs. my family’s opinions.  THERE AREN’T TWO SIDES!!! YOU CAN’T PLEASE EVERYONE!!!  Everyone is going to judge you on something

 

The way he loves me should change my life by eliminating my fears

 

I should put his needs before my feelings.  Example: When he’s upset with me, he helps me first, he puts my needs before his feelings

 

I get everything from the people I give the least to and give the most to the people who deserve it the least

 

Melissa= Backup plan. She, along with other things in my life, are the things I can't let go of, because I’m afraid that if I lost Todd or he walked away, I want to have something to return back to.  In the back of my mind I’m making a pillow to fall onto if I get dropped. Can’t have any backup plans

 

Speaking with so many different people creates many mixed signals from everyone and can make me feel yanked around; take the time with each of my friends and really look at why I call them my friends, and why they call me their friend, DO THEY HAVE MY BEST INTEREST IN MIND? A true friend wants the best for their friend. If something goes bad, and I go to them, then I am relying on them more, creating a cycle.  A friendship is no responsibilities for sacrifice with all the benefits of a relationship.  You will be USED like a therapist

 

Fear-losing friends, of being alone

 

Can’t rely on friends and family to run my life, I need to be in charge and not ignore things so that I know how to take care of things

 

Going to Todd doesn’t drain him, NOT going does

 

I give but JUST enough where I’m not out of my comfort zone but enough to keep him around ~ MANIPULATION- reinforce the promises and things you know  want to be heard

 

I want to be able to help you

 

I want to know for sure that I trust you

 Having backup plans shows that I am still not trusting

 In order to trust, I must be vulnerable, and put it all on the line

 Fear is holding back my trust

 Fear of others opinions, and that I could be disrespected, isn’t allowing me to trust in the project, and to express my feelings

 

I want to treat you like my friends, to tell you exactly what I am feeling.

 

Friends should help build you and improve your life, instead of helping to create roadblocks and keeping you helpless

 I control my friendships and relationships, only me

 

I apologize for how I feel because I feel like the other person doesn't value my feelings, I have a fear of creating conflict

 

I want to give you advice like I would any of my friends.

 

I want to feel safe in the fact that I need you so much.
         Fear-losing friends

 

I want you to feel like you can and should trust me

 I want to feel like you are right in trusting me

 

I want to know what I need, and what you give to me, so that I can truly appreciate them.

 

I don’t want either one of us to have any doubts, about the project or about us.
 I want for the project to be redeemed.
 I want for your feelings about the project to be the same as they were before you had to unravel it so much for me.
 I want to love the project.
 How many of my “friends” would approve of the project, want what I want? If they don’t approve, they aren’t thinking of my wants and putting that first.

I want to feel like I don’t need baby steps to learn.

 

I want to feel like I can communicate well to you without needing a play-list of songs.
 
I want our friends to be encouraging. I want encouragement from outside of us.

 

I want perfection.  I know that we will fight and hurt, but years down the road; I just want to look back at everything and I want to say, “Wow, look at how great our life is, and look at how happy we are together.”
 I want to be able to enjoy my first and last relationship.  Lately there’s been too much hurt for me to feel ok with things.

 

I want to be responsible.

 I want to feel like I can handle those responsibilities.

 

I want to put you first in my life.  Your thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, needs and wants.
 I want you to be happy with me.  I want you to feel like there is no way you could be happier with anyone else, and I want to prove you right.
 I want you to be proud of me.
 I want you to not be afraid to be vulnerable with me.

 

I want others to see how great our relationship is, to know that we have God in our relationship and to want that too.

 

I don’t want us to have any regrets.

 

I want us to be happy, and not be so up and down emotionally.