Male @ MindSay

I have another blog on the InterTubes and I posted this last year.  And I thought I'd post it here, too.  Because I hope to meet him before I die.  And there are aunts and uncles and cousins who want to meet him, too.

If you were adopted and born on 8/17/73, in Hinsdale, Illinois, you can get your original birth certificate from the state.  And if, on that birth certificate, you see these names, Trojanowski or Trzos, then you can email me at <thebratland@yahoo.com>.  I hope you find this site.  I hope you email me.  I'll be watching.

[The Boy, by the way, is a guy I met and lived with from 1998 to 2007.]

~August 17, 1973~

I am a mother. 

OK... I'm a mother times TWO.

And maybe today is the day to talk about my first child.  Because I have never hidden the fact that I had a child that I gave up for adoption.

When I first started talking to The Boy via Instant Messages, I told him about the fact that I had given a child [a boy] up for adoption when I was just a [wee] lassie.

Because when you've 'done that' you learn that some people think you are some kind of freak.  I kid you not.

And before I became really good friends with The Boy I wanted to know right away if he thought I was some kind of freak.

He didn't.

So, we became friends.

You see, I never kept it a secret because I always wanted the child I gave birth to to be able to find me.  And I foresaw the danger of keeping his existence a secret.

How would I have explained it to people otherwise?

That's not how I am.

If you want me, you take my baggage, too.

And I've been extremely blessed in that regard.  I truly have not had one man walk out on me because of it.  Either they are wonderful men, or [I'm rather more inclined to believe] I am an extraordinary woman.

Oh, yes I am.

But I digress.

Almost six years after giving birth to a boy, I gave birth to a daughter.  And when she was old enough to really understand things, I let her know that I had given birth to a child with a different man and I had 'given him away' to people who could take care of him and give him things that I could not.

I must have done a superb job because my daughter never felt in danger of being 'given away' or abandoned, or any of that other shit that people tell you will happen to your kids.

My daughter is, at this writing, 28 years old.  And if the boy I gave birth to knocked on my door tomorrow, no one in my life would say, "OH MY GOD YOU NEVER TOLD ME."

And The Boy would let him in and treat him like his own, or at least one of my family, and he would never raise an eyebrow.

And he would be happy for me.

Not that I lose sleep over this, folks.  I don't.

While that baby was growing in my belly I kept telling myself that I was growing him for someone else because I KNEW that there was no way that I could give that child a decent life AT THE TIME.

And I knew, thanks to someone close to me [who shall remain nameless, although she knows who she is] that an adopted child is as loved as a child who is flesh and blood to the people adopting.

No, it wasn't an 'open adoption' although I knew the names of the people who adopted my child.  [Notice I do not say 'my son'?  I'll get back to that.]

When I got pregnant, I was a junior in high school.  And BACK THEN, pregnant girls were not allowed to stay in school.  So I didn't graduate high school.

Years later, when my daughter was a sophomore in high school, she was talking about dropping out of school, and I told her she couldn't.

And she said to me, "YOU DID!"

And although there were extenuating circumstances for me dropping out of school, I realized I had no excuse anymore.

So I got my G.E.D.

Then I got this crazy idea that maybe, just maybe, I COULD GO TO COLLEGE!

And I did.

Now, I'm not gonna get into college life except to say this:  It got me onto the Interwebs.  And I thought maybe, just maybe, I could put my info OUT THERE and make it easier for the child I had put up for adoption to find me.

And I've done that.

The bad part is that the really popular sites for adoptees looking for their birth parents are sites that make you pay a [hefty] yearly fee to keep your info on the site, and I've never been wealthy enough to be able to do that.

But I have found plenty of other sites and have 'registered' with them. 

I just want to give him a chance if he is trying to find me.

Because there are, I'm sure, reasons to find me.  Like the health history of his birth family.

But I don't call him My Son for a couple of reasons.

And some of those reasons are:

A mother is someone who changes your shitty diapers.

A mother is someone who sits up with you when you are sick and changes the sheets you puked on in the middle of the night.

A mother goes through the chicken pox with you.

A mother teaches you to tie your shoes.

A mother finds ways to teach you how to eat and like vegetables, even peas.

A mother cries when she sends you off to kindergarten.

A mother teaches you how to say "Daddy" when she would much rather you said "Mommy".

A mother delights in watching you roll over for the first time.

A mother lets you touch bugs.

A mother lets you taste dirt.

A mother gives you pots to bang on with spoons and thinks you make beautiful music.

A mother teaches you not to pull on the kitty's tail or bite the puppy's ears.

A mother holds you when you are hurt and kisses your boo-boos.

A mother looks at a crayon drawing and declares it is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen as she puts it on the refrigerator.

A mother exclaims that you are growing "like a weed".

A mother thinks dandelions are the most beautiful flowers EVER.

A mother sees you through graduations and proms and driving lessons and weird haircuts and pierced ears and wet dreams and periods and friends who are being mean to you.

A mother buries pets in the back yard with you and gives you ice cream afterwards.

I was never a Mother to the child I gave away.

I never did any of these things with the child who went away from me after I made sure he had all his fingers and toes and was ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.

And I may never meet him this side of Heaven, and I'm resigned to that.  I don't get maudlin and get drunk over it.

But I will admit that sometimes, like tonight, I stop and say a prayer for him, wherever he is, and I say to God, "Oh, please, just let him be HAPPY."

Because when it comes down to it, isn't that all we want for our kids?  All we want for those that we love?

I think it is.

And for that Someone who is Somewhere Out There, here's a birthday song for you:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSyRFLlYnWI

Because I Know You're Out There Somewhere.

Happy 34th birthday.  I hope it's a great one for you.
.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.

 

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

 

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.   ;)

 

~ B

I went to bed like normal and before I knew it, I was in the beginning of a nightmare. A bad one, so bad the instant I woke up I wrote this.

It took place in the Burbank Mall in california.. but.. when I was in it, it was not like its usual self, all bright and preppy, it was just dark and empty and when i looked outside from the windows it was normal, people walking bright happy day. I couldn't get out and no one could hear me. It is kinda scary how in reality the windows would just shatter if what i did really happened, i threw chairs, tables, i even threw a sign at the windows, nothing had worked. I was still trapped inside.

i heard a flutter of wings behind me and i saw my cockatoo but something was wrong about her, her feathers were all rotten, she smelled really, reallly bad and she was trying to fly away from me but she kept falling and falling but when i tried to get to her, my feet would get stuck to the tiles on the floor and i'd get red vision and my head hurt, my ears rang. She finally flew a bit but it looked like she had hit a solid invisible wall and she fell down the escalator shaft. the ground let go of me and i ran after her. the moment i got two steps down the escalator, the entire place went dark, i couldn't see down the shaft anymore and my bird was screaming and i couldn't go up or down because the darkness was devouring everything around me.

I tried to wake myself up, i knew i was dreaming but for some reason i couldn't wake up. after the darkness overwhelmed me i found myself in las vegas (wtf) but it was dark and empty, cars were in the streets but they weren't moving and no one was around but only one area was bright, i think it was luxor, so i ran towards that huge black pyramid, i knew i got tricked because once i was in the lobby everything went dark inside and the outside went back to normal again, cars came and went, people were walking around, etc.

I turned around to see if i could use anything (again ) but nothing was there just a small arrea that was lit up by the outside,again, I was trapped inside. i went towards the edge of the light and my brother somehow appeared behind me, he said my name, i turned around, i couldn't see his face or any features of him because the light was behind him, he was kinda glowing because of that. I went to run at him but something grabbed my legs and i fell over, i felt my chin hit the ground and my teeth clacked, and i was dragged back into the darkness, i couldn't even scream because some of my teeth broke and flew back into my throat (WTF?!) i was choking somehow. the darkness behind me was screaming,snapping, moaning, groaning, scratching, clacking, slashing, i even heard a cat. it was a mixture of sounds that was so scary i can't fully explain it.

My brother seemed to drift farther and farther away from me each time i blinked as I was being dragged back, i finally managed a bloody gurgley scream and he kinda warped right in front of me, grabbed me by the sides of my head. I couldn't pull away. He was so close and I still couldn't see his face, he was mumbling something, something like "Its so pretty down here. Where are you Teni?! Where are you?!" He became frantic but it sounded like his voice was getting cut off by static.

I felt something in my back crackle and instantly my legs went numb. A grey haze covered my vision and i felt nausious, oh god my back broke. My brother held me up by the head and started squeezing my eyes in with his thumbs, i felt my left eye pop out but i can't describe that feeling.. its like a pressure on your eye, a sharp pain, then nothing. When my eye came out, he stopped pushing his thumbs into my eyes, I saw his face clearly but it kept warping, his eyes were black, like he gouged them out, I cried at this, his eyes are normally pretty blue-green and crystalish, I was missing an eye and I was more worried about his. His long black hair kinda moved to the side, I realized he cut his ears off, I screamed at this too, he held my head still, almost tenderly.

I screamed and I screamed and his head would kinda bob sadistically left to right, down then up, he'd smile and frown, some how scream. He kinda bent down a bit, I could see the light behind him as before and with my good eye, I saw someone familiar, but it made my heart sink. It was me, the me.. that I used to see as a male in my nightmares, the one that would hunt me down and kill me.

'He' approached my brother from behind and with one fluid motion, gracefully wrapped 'his' arms around my brother, reached up, stuck 'his' fingers into his mouth with one hand, the other covered my brother's eyes and nose and 'he' jerked 'his' other hand, and with a sick POP my brother's jaw broke off with one clean tug. My brother still held my head in his hands, I couldn't move. The male version of me lifted 'his' hands up as if 'he' was praising a god, and i noticed the blood and darkness on the floor was starting to crawl towards 'him'. 'He' laughed once, dropped my brother's jaw, brought 'his' hands down, pulled a pack of cigarrettes out of 'his' pocket, lit one and walked away, towards the light of the doors and as 'he' did, the darkness overwhelmed me again.


I was thankful i woke up after that because, really, my heart was about to explode out of my eyes from the stress i was feeling. strangely enough, this morning, my brother, had come home and what really, realllly freaking bothered me was when I saw him, there was a huge gash over his left eye. He said he got the gash from an open kitchen cabnet he failed to notice. i really really don't know what to think about it (the nightmare), and i did feel rather sickly about it and i haven't told him about it yet and I can't seem to look him in the eyes. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. The mind is a scary, scary, wonderful thing.

These pictures are for myclette  

 

We had a total of two screech owls in our yard.  This guy here is the male.  The female I could only catch during the morning hours and she was huge campared to this guy!  The sun kept me from getting any decent pictures of the female.

 

My daughter heard him outside of her window and spotted him.  My camara is good but it isn't a professional one so my zoom didn't go that far up in the tree! 

 

Hope you enjoy these!

So I hate being a girl. I don't want to admit it, but I do. I guess that's all I'll say 'cause I'm probably crazy.
I haven't really told anyone. I would never get a sex change but I often wish I was born a boy, even though I wouldn't have my life any other way and being male would definately have changed that. But one little thing changes everything. Who knows. I don't know. It's odd, but it's true. Being female is so inconvenient and annoying. Using the washroom is a chore. Gah. I avoid it as much as possible.