Making A Difference @ MindSay

It's a rough day in the land of the red rabbit.

Work's better now - I spent a very long time talking with Mom about a number of things a few days ago, and the conclusion is that I don't like my job as much now because I don't actually feel like I'm helping people or making anything better. The problem is not with the job itself, which for the most part is fine - the problem is my mindset that I could be doing something better, that's actually helping people and making a difference.

Mom pointed out that while I am just one of the cogs in the wheel, it is often the little things that make the difference, and cited the number of times her day's been turned around because a random stranger she spent less than a minute with was nice to her. That helped.

I don't need a therapist. I have my mother. Who drives me crazy from time to time, yes, but most of the time she's either very helpful, very delightfully goofy, or both.

So, Friday was looking a lot better at work. I had to make a conscious effort to keep my attitude in place, but it was definitely better. Today, though, I got my magic back. Life is awesome.

There are two kinds of "can't help smiling," for me. Okay, there's more, but the two that come up most often at work are the physical, where my face feels uncomfortable if I'm making (or not making) any other expression, and then there's the joy that's rooted firmly into the core of me and wound through, and it's a crime to not be smiling.

I'd call it the Joy of the Lord, which is what I'd asked him for awhile ago, but something's making me question this lately. I can certainly thank God for it, and I've been praying that he'd gentle me and give me the joy back again, but I'm wondering whether I credit things to God just a bit much. At first, that seems like a ridiculous thought - How could you ever credit God with too much? He's responsible for the creation of everything! But a lot of people do things and say that they're in God's name, God-inspired, or somehow of God, and they seem distinctly out-of-keeping with his nature. So, all I'm doing right now is thanking him. Fervently. It feels so good to be me again. :)

Oh, yeah, Spring's happening too. Any ideas for what I should do for my birthday? It's on Easter, so I'm carefully considering the rabbit costume. :P

So I started on my painting today, the one that's due Thursday along with a write up and more research that I have no idea when I'll do, and I'm sure that every time I inhale in my room I die a little more. I really should be asleep right now, but I have my window open and the heater on in an effort to air out the room a little. Just because I'm depressed doesn't mean I have the will do die. I'm sure that this will only add to my sickness, though. I'm so tired, almost exhausted, and i'm thirsty and i'm phlemy and my throat hurts and I keep going back and forth between wanting to vomit and eat, and I have a headache and my neck and left shoulder hurt and part of my leg hurts. bitch bitch, moan moan. I'm in pain and I'm miserable, bit surprise. It's just physical now. My symptoms sound to me more like I'm getting the flu than anything else. I'm probably just dehydrated still. Unfortunately I don't have much money left to keep buying water and the quality of the water in the water fountains is, well, I'm pretty sure the one right outside my room is just tap water. Way to make me better.

 

Mentally I'm doing alright. I've accepted that some people may be liars and if they are, then they are exactly why people like me aren't taken seriously. However, i've prepared myself for this. I can never forget when some one I thought was a good friend on here faked her suicide. It still amazes me how much of a god damn cunt that girl is, and how she doesn't see anything wrong with the way she played everyone. As far as people I actually know, I've decided to say fuck it. Sure, I'll still be "friends" with them and whatever, but I'm not going to make the effort to go out of my way for them anymore. I can't force a bird to eat seeds out of my hand. It has to decide that it wants them. I still have the seeds, and whenever those birds decide to fly to me, I'll happily offer them back up. I'm not a significant player in any one's life anymore. Actually, that's crap. I became a significant player in many people's lives on April 6, 2006. But other than that, as far as people I closely interact with, I'm no big fucking deal. I'm fine with that, though. I still have those people from April 6th and will perhaps one day have many more. You really never know how you effect the lives of those around you. It's amazing.

 

Speaking of birds, did you know that in California, (the state where I've been born, raised, and currently reside, incase you don't know) it is illegal to kill, wound, or trap any kind of bird in a cemetary? And that it is also illegal to destroy any nest, except a swallow's, or remove eggs or young birds from nests in cemetaries, too? Apparently the law was instated in 1963, and the penalty for violating such a law is a misdemeanor. You can either be jailed for a maximum of six months and/or have to pay a maximum fine of $1000. I can't help but wonder- Why only cemetaries? Why did they actually need such a law? And when it comes to nesting, why is it ok to fuck with a swallow's and not any other kind of bird? I almost want to trap a crow just so I can see if its actually enforced, but I don't have $1000 or six months to spend in "confinement." Knowing our society, though, the maximum sentence isn't a threat. With that I really need to get some rest. Good night everyone.

So today is the Day of Silence, a day where you're supposed to be silent for something like 8:00am to 5:00pm in protest to violence against homosexuals. I thought about participating not because I'd make a difference, but because I believe in the cause. You'd be surprised how much shit bisexual females get, not to mention the fact that its just fucked up to treat someone like shit because of their sexuality. Unfortunately I've had some things to do in the mornign that required talking during that time, so oh well. And honestly, I don't see the point. I guess it's supposed to be a statement of your beliefs or something like that. Like if someone tried to talk to me and I gave them a paper saying I can't because its the Day of Silence then it would show them that I believe this is fucked up. Now, I know that I've changed people's lives before, but I don't think that's going to. I don't think there's anyone here who's going to say to themselves, "Oh wow, Jennifer is against this so maybe I should be, too." Maybe if they encountered 20 different people and I was the last one then they'd think "Oh wow, a lot of people are against this so maybe I should be, too." I don't know. either way i've already screwed it up now, and besides, 2,000 silent liberals in California aren't going to change the minds of 50,000 hicks in the midwest.

I'm so glad that I went to that workshop. The woman who put it on wants me to be at the Take Back the Night ralley tonight, but I'm not sure. At the same time, though, I'm feeling very empowered. The workshop was put on by the woman who started the Women's Justice Center in Santa Rosa, CA, about an hour and a half/two hours north of there I'm originally from. It was incredible to hear that there's an organization that works with women to make sure that what happened with my case doesn't happen to others. She passed out an e-mail that they recently got to their center for us to do some brainstorming activities on solutions. This is what it said:

 

"I am a bit confused after reading your information on the rape investigation process. I have never been interviewed by an investigator and it has been seven months now. I finally contacted the investigator on my case and ask him what was going on. He said that he had already spoken to the DA based on my original report and I had no case. I waited three and a half years to report and unless the man admitted to doing it outright they couldn't help me. I only reported because I leanred of another victim of the same rapist... a 17 year old girl. We filed our reports at the same time, but she withdrew hers out of fear for her own safety...

 

Since my rape attempt was interrupted I was able to furnish them with the names of several pepole who could verify the situation...and also several other victims names... he said he could not contact them, they had to call him first... so I've spent seven months trying to collect evidence against my attacker... as soon as I reported he began stalking me... when I reported these events to the investigator he said stalking was hard to prove... and once again I have many witnesses...

 

This sounds nothing like your scenario... so is your account the way it is supposed to be handled or just an ideal situation??? I just want to be able to sleep safely again... and none of this would have happened if I had just kept my mouth shut."

 

hmmm, SOUND FAMILIAR?! It's good to know that the way the criminal justice system treated me is the commonality and not the exception to the rule. Many laws are in place, it's just that no one is using their power to treat women right. I fucking hate our patriarichal society, and things need to fucking change. I'm tired of not having any rights and fighting for many simply because I was born a woman. Something must to be done now.