Made To Love @ MindSay

Howdy Howdy All
Click on the link to THE ULTRAVIOLET UNDERGROUND  to download the Winter Issue of PURPLE Magazine.
There is a Short story written by yours truly within its Lovely Pages!--I sometimes write under the name
T.S.Snowden
The Short story is called Persephone3 so check me out yall and give my girl and her righteous magazine a shout out! I love YOU PurpleZoe!
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Now on to new business. I dont discuss a lot of personal stuff, well, I do but usually it is about stuff that makes me mad lately. Anyway a fellow asked me a bunch of questions about myself.... or was it just one question? I can't tell but I can say that however it happened I talked quite a bit about myself which is highly uncharacteristic of me with people I work with. I have made a friend of one other person in much the same capacity at work and funny enough he is the closest friend of this other fellow (clear as mud, right?).

Anyway, I thought about my cynicism during the conversation and realized that I had made some sort of transformation over the last year. My cynicism has abandoned me it seems. I used to have serious beef with love. I mean serious beef, especially during a hard six months of this year.
But now I notice that I really dig love and not only that, it seems that I love love. I actually love attending weddings (although I will likely never have one. Mostly because I could absolutely stay with someone forever without an actual wedding. I'll get into this one day but not today. That center of attention thing does a number on me also. I didnt even tell anyone when my graduation day was for my second degree because of all the fuss they made over me about the first one.)

Anyway...I like love. I feel good about it and when it hits again I rather think I shall be excited and happy. Not like my usual self where I realize it and then work to shut the feeling down before the object of affection notices me stalking them.
About this love thing.
The idea of age came up in conversations with both fellows.
You know for all of my empowered woman talk I still hold a few antiquated notions about gender relations and propriety. Hey, I am enlightened enough to admit that I too get stuck in old ways of thinking. So after my meditations today I thought I might examine my outdated views on dating in these oh so progressive times. I made a REVISED list of what I like in a fella. This list is as follows

1. Funny(not just funny to himself! Funny to me)
   
2. Intelligent--like nerd intelligent not that psuedo-shit that fake revolutionaries tout as intelligence.
3. Attentive--many people wouldn't know it but I am extremely sensitive (even though I dont cry much). I like singular attention and can be pretty possessive. Not like "who is that bitch you're talking to" possessive but in my mind I have a certain idea of ownership when it comes to the people who are close to me.
4. generous. Not like monetarily, although.....no I mean with time (no I dont need tons of time because I tend to disappear into myself for long periods). But I do need to be looked after more than I care to have known. My periods of hibernation should monitored so that I am prompted to resurface now and again.
   
5. creative--I notice creative types deal best with other truly creative types. Period. There is a whole mindset that goes with this. I need to know that my off the wall ideas about alternate realities will not be dismissed as child's play. I'm an artist and I'm sensitive about my shit (to quote Badu).
   
6. supportive--this includes himself. If He cant sustain himself mentally and physically then we wont do well together(this was a good lesson to learn this year). No halves need apply! I am already whole and I want a whole man from the jump. I always wince when people say "My other half". I think that is absurd. So without the other person you are less than a full person? Well I dont know about you but the Great Deity made me complete from the start. The loss of a loved one should never cripple us but make know the value of that love by keeping their memory wholly close to us. The loss should not make us some wounded and incomplete being. Of course if the Deity you worship deals in half measures then more power to you... Now right about here is where I would usually add some nonsense about them being no more than a year younger and up to 12 years older until I realized that my energy level doesn't typically match this age group. I love to move around. I go to concerts, hike and travel as much as possible and to be honest I have yet to find a man my age who can keep up. Sad but true. So enough of that junk.
   
7. Energetic and appropriate for me regardless of age.

No more lazy-ass men! I mean dudes whose bodies and minds limit them and stifle me. UGH! I just cant do it again and so I wont. Man I learned a ton this year. I made the choice to subject myself to the sort of people I thought I should be with rather than the kind of people who really add to my oh-so-lively and lovely existence. People have every right to be how they want. The choice is ours to let them into our space or not. This last year was about me not choosing ME over something that was counter to who I am. My flaw! not anyone else's. I have to own that, and I have.

Own your shit friends because the life you AINT living is damn sure your OWN.
That is all for now my lovelies.

Be Safe and be true. Remember that Karma plays debt collector so WE dont have to....
Goddess Bless

I've been tempted to write this for awhile now. Normally when I have an idea, it'll fade out again in a couple of hours. However, this next thing I'm going to write has been in my head for about a month. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because I find it important in some way. Many of you won't want to read it and that's okay. Mostly it's for me. To remind me in it's own way. But I've been compelled to write this, so here I go.

A lot of times when people get out of relationships, they tend to remember the reason they broke up. The unhappy things, the problems. But I don't want to think about all my exes this way. I loved some of them, I loathed a few. But one of the most important thing from this and from them, is that I must remember that they shaped me. They showed me wonderful things. They showed me who I was. And I think that's really important. I don't want to forget them. And I guess, I never will. So in this next bit, I'm going to remind myself of what they've done and the good times. And those who are lucky to be on GJ get a cut tag around here so you can avoid it. Myspace, however, gets to SUFFER!

Colin was my first love. And sometimes with love, very honest love, comes confusion and heartbreak. We had a lot of that but now a days when I think back to the time we were together, I try to remember all the fun and happy things we did. I didn't start dating until a month before my 18^th birthday. I had been friends with him for a couple of months and I had fallen head over heels for him the moment I saw him. He was gorgeous, he could sing, and he had the most lovely golden eyes I had seen. And for some reason, he didn't just over look me like a lot of guys. I got up the guts to ask for his phone number and from that moment on, I found a person that meant a whole lot to me. Not only was the timing right (troubles with my dad and friends) but it was right at a point that was crucial for me to grow. I was going to go to college. Anyhow...He taught me that it was okay to be intimate with a person and not to constantly fret over physical appearances. He pushed me to be better. We had weight challenges with each other, we would excersize and not think about it. He took me hiking and didn't discriminate me because of my weight. He made me feel so special in so many ways. He taught me how to love, and though I caught on late, he taught me how to do it so I wasn't afraid of what others thought. He also made me realize how fragile my heart was and what it was like to lose it. Though things have sadly fallen to a horrible relationship between us, I will never forget him. He really was my best friend, my lover, and my love all at the same time.

Steve was next and I didn't really date him long. Out of everyone, he's the one I'm glad I don't talk to anymore. He frankly used me. And he used me when I was weak. But I began to understand that and now I'm stronger because of it.

Will/Colin. I feel very awkward about calling him just Colin, but that's what he goes by. William is his first name. Anyhow...After my terrible break down I had after my first boyfriend and the eventual used feeling from my second washed over me, I got sucked into an online game. And while I was on there, I met this person who I thought was an older (40's) woman! I got really close and comfortable talking to this person because I didn't have to do it face to face. And it turned out really weird because this woman turned out to be a man about my age. And this guy could sense my moods through a computer. And through his care and attention, he began lifted me out of my deep depression that I had been for a year. He gave me faith, hope, attention. He relieved me from my guilt over Colin. He helped me when I didn't think I could get up anymore. And because of him, I'm thankful everyday. Because no matter what, I know there's someone else out there. Someone who can help and care and I'm never alone.

Bryan. Oh geeze, Bryan. We didn't really date but I can say this, he definitely made me feel like I was a woman again. And that even though I'm a bigger girl, you can be beautiful.

Aaron was my most recent ex. It's really hard to decide where this began and where it really ended. He, besides Colin, was the only other man and boyfriend I ended up truly loving. He was sort of my whirlwind relationship. I met him on the Internet, and I flew off to meet him when my parents didn't want me to come home for the holidays. And I found everything I was looking for there. Home, family, escape from my past, love, future. There was so much there. Well I went back to school and then when things fell through with school and some things happened with him, I decided I was going to move to Indiana to live with him. And for the entire two months I lived there, I loved it. The only thing I seemed to be missing was him. Something happened there between us. And essentially, it drove me away. But it never changed the fact that I cared for him. I guess the real big realizations about my feelings for him came much later. About a year later. Because I still thought of him. And I wished that I would have gotten to know him so much better. I wish all the love and acceptance I had found in Indiana had been completed by him. If it had, I'd probably still be there. But I still had some growing to do and some flaws I needed to fix. I learned I should have talked to him more. After all, he made me be stronger and realize what I want in my life and in love. He really made me realize that life can be full of music and new adventures and no matter how much you think you've grown, you can always grow more.

And everything that's changed me the most drastically, has been from these men. Because as much as people want to think that they don't need these people or that these people didn't mean as much, they really did. I changed because of these men. I changed because of others as well. Men, women, friends, family. But I can definitely say that no matter how many tears I've cried or how many times I've had a broken heart, these are the people who made my heart beat and make me bounce in my step. And no matter what, they've made me into a better person. I will always love them for that. Always.

an interesting article on a guys perspective about guys and love...

so yeah, thus again something on the internet has made my day :) :) :)

I've been struggling a bit with some issues in my life; I know through God we can overcome anything. In this process I wonder, sometimes, what we are really made for: Why are we on this dust ball we call Earth, flung at millions of miles per hour through space?  In my darker moments I question...not the reality of God but the reason for my own life.

It passes and I come out feel better then I did going in; but those dark  moments still happen.

I just received the new Toby Mac album.  The second song on the disk is why I bought the recording in the first place: Made to Love.  When I ponder the rootlessness of my existence all I have to do is think of the lyrics of this song.

Why were we made? To Love God and to be loved by Him in return.

I couldn't find an "offical" video for the song, but I found one of the cooler fan made videos for it. It isn't much, just a couple of guys lip syncing and dancing to the song...but it is made in a way that should put many of the commercial video directors to shame... In My Honest Opinion anyway ;)

ade To Love - Tobymac

Genre/Lang. : Christian

Verse 1 The dream is fading, now i'm staring at the door I know its over cause me feet have hit the cold floor Check my reflection, I ain't feelin' what I see It's no mystery Whatever happened to a passion I could live for What became of the flame that made me feel more And when did i forget that... Chorus I was made to love you I was made to find you I was made just for you Made to adore you I was made to love And be loved by you You were here before me You were waiting on me And you said you'd keep me Never would you leave me I was made to love and be loved by you Verse 2 The dream's alive with my eyes opened wide Back in the ring you've got me swinging for the grand prize I feel the haters spittin vapors on my dreams But I still believe I'm reachin out, reachin up, reachin over I feel a breeze cover me called Jehova And daddy I'm on my way Cause I was made to love... Chorus Bridge Anything I would give up for you Everything, I'd give it all away (Repeat 3x) I was made to love you I was made to adore you, made just for you (Repeat 3x)