Lunatic @ MindSay 
Not sure what to post ...... been a long uneventful week ..... without the progress I'd been hoping for.
I'm beginning to believe that my heart just lives in my throat now .... slowly choking me to death. Now there's a pleasant thought ..... ? Can I possibly live another six to eight weeks with this? Looks like I'll have to try.
It's kind of like being all dressed up with nowhere to go. The constant anxiousness ...... the constant waiting. Getting desperate for something positive to happen ..... if it even will.
Feeling borderline lunatic right now. Wanting to scream at the top of my lungs with any and all energy I have left in me. Reaching for the help that aludes me ..... my fingertips stretched as far as possible ..... so close, yet so far.
Would it have been healthier to just let this go? To free myself from the anticipation of nothing. Will all this emptiness have a fullfilling end? It seems so simple ...... I just want to go to work. That's all.
Scared, confused ...... why did I let these thoughts envelope me? Why did I let them in? Feeling very vunerable, very open to darkness.
That's all.
Peace. J.
Yesterday afternoon, while lumbering out of my husband's pick up truck, I heard a funny noise. Turning my head and thinking it to be a squirrel or a cat in trouble, my eyes scanned the parking lot and the nearby wooded area. Seeing nothing, my eyes scanned the row of apartments and the porches searching for what was making this odd little noise. My eyes finally connected with what my ears were hearing. It was a bold little woodpecker in the tree by the tailgate of the truck! I tried to capture a picture of it with my phone, will see later when I get over to the office if it turned out even visable. But this little bird began to have a conversation with me. By now, I was 3 feet from the tree, and he had moved down from the higher branches and now was at the base of the tree closest to me.
Calling and singing and dancing slowly around the tree, he was looking for his spot to begin his hunt. I know he saw me. I saw him afterall! I don't take little visitors lightly and I always want to be aware of what God is speaking to me thru them.
So, in thinking that, I shooed my husband off to the apartment and I leaned against the side of the truck and just watched and listened, hushed and hoping that no one would disturb our date.
He had rythmn and purpose. He knew what he was looking for. He had tasted from that tree before or one similar and had a pattern of how he accomplished things. But then he broke pattern by going all the way to the base of the tree and allowing me to be within his safety zone. I was in his personal space and that could be the ultimate danger for him. He knows he is quick and nimble and predators have a difficult time catching him, so for the moment, he and I were connected.
He was my earth drummer, hammering out a different beat for me to tune into. Last week, I had been drawn to a drumming article and have since then begun to think about looking for a drumming class to visit. Healing and health. Vitality. Self Discovery. A client of mine piqued my interest again in life coaching or counseling. Perhaps this would be a alternate career for me to pursue that would be complimentary to the bodywork career.
The woodpecker startled my thoughts, he must have sensed that I was becoming more focused inwardly than on his activities and bored of the free show. He flew off in a odd pattern, unique again only to him...he flew up, then coasted down, then flew up again before deciding on the next tree to browse for his meal.
He didn't overstay his welcome at the one tree or with me, and when he made his decision to move on, he did in a flowery show of fanciful flight. I often will analyze something until the point of procrastination and inertia sets in because I then feel overwhelmed. This little bird that could, he showed me some important life lessons yesterday.
I am going to allow the new rythmn to permeate my life, I am going to go with the flow and know when to cut my losses. I am not afraid to strike out on my own. I am free to move gracefully thru life and it's ok to coast along sometimes. I will set before me goals and visions, make plans and hunt for the best deals for my life. Tasty treats are hidden and I can find them!
The Moon-As of late it simply fascinates me. I am drawn to it. I admire it while its waning or waxing from a full moon in all its brilliance and mystery to the silvery crescent. I am drawn by it's ability to reflect light enough to illuminate a darkened path. My path.
In answering my question in the subject...I don't think so, I think I am just enjoying one of life's little wonderful pleasures!
I'm really bored so I thought I'd go over the auto-generated list of most popular items to blog about that's on the live! screeen. Here's the list from when I last checked:
| What are people blogging about today? | ||
|---|---|---|
1. John Mayer - he's a great musician and I like his music, but really people, #1? Surely there's more important things to be talkin about besides him....what ever happened to world peace, poverty, hunger, aids? I guess John's more important than those issues. That or there's a surplus of teenage girls on right now.
2. Life....this could take for ever. Basically, here's what i believe life to be all about...."Adam Fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy." Life is all about eperiencing true joy. So find out what brings you true happiness and most of all have fun.
3. School....I graduated HS in '96. Can't believe its almost been 10 years. Not sure if I'm gonna go to my reunion. Didn't have a whole lot of people that I called friends. There were a few, but I never kept in touch with any of them. So what do you all think...should I go?
4. Love is sooo wonderful. Too bad it's so hard to find.
5. Work. I hate it, but it pays the bills. I'm a member of the US Air Force Security Forces. Can't really say what I do or where I'm at.....ohhhh secrets are coool!
6. Poetry...I love poetry and I'll attempt to write some everynow and then.
7. Me....read my profile and if you have any other questions just ask.
8. Lyrics...I'll post some of my favorite lyrics up here from time to time. Here's my favorite song in the world...U2's With or With Out You.....
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side.
I wait for you.
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you.
Through the storm, we reach the shore
You gave it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you.
I can't live with or without you.
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away.
My hands are tied, my body bruised
She got me with nothing to win
And nothing else to lose.
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away.
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you.
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you.
9. Music...I love all types.
10. Spicy pork....hmmmm, yummy!!
11. Mindsay....so far its been a pretty good place to chill.
12. Sex. U can never talk too much about sex....I can't believe this isn't in the top 5.
13. Friends....I've found that it'r a rare thing indeed to meet someone and to have that someone turn into an honest true friend. In my 27 years of living, I can honestly say that I've only had 1 friend that I know would stand by me through thick or thin.
14. Pictures rock. I love wondering the net and finding wierd, cool pics.
15. College. I did two semesters at DeVry U in KC. Then 9-11 happened and I joined the military. Right now I'm hoping to finish my Associates in a couple of months. Then to start my Bachelors.
16. Help. I love helping people when they're in a time of need. So, if you need someone to talk to or just a shoulder to cry on, give me a holla.
17. Happy....generally I'd say I'm a happy person, sometimes there's things that piss me off, but most of the time I'm a care-free, happy guy.
18. Homework....so glad not to be doin it anymore. If you need some help, just let me know. I'll do what I can, but I make no promisises. btw, best subject in school was math and history.
19. Art...i was never very talented in this area....but i do enjoy good art.
20. writing....i use my writing to vent, to make a statement or just to have something to do.
21. Bored...yeah that's me right now.
22. disney....now there's a company past its prime. my all time favorite disney movie is beauty and the beast.
23. sick....i hate being sick...its the worst feeling in the world.....
24. family...i grew up in an house of 6 kids, we were all pretty close, but as we've grown up we haven't kept in touch as much as i like.
To those of you that are still reading this, thank you for listening to the ramblings of a crazed lunatic
"Comedy Central star Dave Chappelle has checked himself into a mental health facility in South Africa, the magazine Entertainment Weekly reported on Wednesday." Thats part of an article that I just read by David Bauder, AP Television Writer.
"Purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka," a line from the Prince/Charlie Murphy basketball game episode. That lake is about 10min away...I think that made it funnier. Or the Wayne Brady Episode...or "what did the 5 fingers say to the face? SLAAAAPPP!!" or the racial draft where Chapelle said that O.J. was now black again and the white guys high fived each other or the blind black man in the KKK or Rick James saying "Why would I put my feet on Eddie Murphy's couch? Yeah, I put my feet on Eddie Murphy's couch."
I could go on forever on great Chappelle Show skits & then forever & a day about his other work. I cant help it, I think the guy is a riot. Yeah he's crazy, but I hope he gets back to good crazy soon. Maybe its not true?