Lsd @ MindSay 
acid
Many people, particularly those unacquainted with chemical experimentation, find my blunt enthusiasm towards altered states of consciousness somewhat unsettling. The purpose of this journal entry is to explain my reasons for doing what I do, as well as to hopefully eliminate some of the "stupid teenager just trying to rebel and be cool before they grow out of this whole phase" stereotype that most individuals of my particular mindset are unfortunately and unfairly viewed with by the majority of a prejudiced, mislead and fearful society.
I can say I am deeply fascinated by drugs. Their potential for unimaginable revelation and insight, experience and epiphany; they are potent and unpredictable tools for the mind, and quite often, sadly, are not handled with the caution and respect they require and deserve.
Love is a bit strong of a word for anything, just the same as hate, although I admit to being very, very fond of LSD in particular.
I fail to see how it's destined to rob me of my humanity; as I've said many times before, acid doesn't turn you into a psychotic raving brain-dead crack-addicted emaciated abscess-ridden homeless junkie living under a bridge who'll knife their friends for a single hit. All it'll really do is open up your personality, show you what's really lying at the bottom of your mind and maybe make you a bit crazier in the process. I like drugs, and in turn, I hate them. I've had some shitty experiences with them, just as I've had some absolutely mind-blowing rapturous revelations and ecstasies with them. It's like anything else in life, but to a strange and occasionally dangerous extreme. There's never anything neutral about them, you're always experiencing something incredibly powerful.
I'm not someone who's constantly eating drugs just for the sake of eating drugs, as an unfortunate majority of people who fit into the 'drug culture' can be described - because it's 'glamorous', because it's 'alternative', because my friends do it, because I'm trying to do the whole stupid teenage rebellion fuck the man thing. I'm in it because I have a burning curiosity about everything powerful and earth-shattering in life, and I crave the experience and the knowledge that comes with it. I'm more or less done sating my curiosity with substances at this point in time; I've seen, done, eaten, snorted, smoked and drank many, many things. I never have, and never will, inject drugs. Some made me hate myself, my life and everything in it, some made me love everything in the universe for the simple and staggering beauty of existence itself. The excruciatingly miserable lows I've endured have given me all the more appreciation for the heart-stopping sublime ecstasies of the highs.
I'm going to describe to you the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed in my life. It was a full-lit milky way on a clear, bright summer night on the first two hits I did of some extremely pure and potent acid. Brilliant, frenzied kaleidoscopic gems spattered about the night sky, swimming and writhing amongst each other in a prismatic rainbow sea of ethereal and indescribable incandescence. I could see every single star in the sky, every planet, every sun, every minute and beautiful burning spear and point of swirling light. No picture, no painting, no mere words coined by simple mortals can possibly ever describe to anyone who has never seen what my mind showed me that one night the cataclysmic brilliance of the stars that rained through the sky.
I sobbed my eyes out, because it was simply the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my entire life, more beautiful than anything I had ever even known could possibly exist. I sat down, stared at the sky with three of my friends and cried, because the beauty, the beauty, the unfathomable wondrous existence of the world around me was overwhelming. I lived in a beautiful world, and suddenly, I understood it. Tears of pure joy poured from my eyes as my mind filled with glowing pools of ectoplasmic liquid stardust, shifting and transporting me across the face of the galaxy. It changed me, forever. I don't know if I'll ever witness anything as magnificent as that again in my life, and I am grateful that, for that one night, I got to glimpse what most people will pass through their lives never even knowing exists. Nobody will ever see those stars the same way I did, and the memory is something I will carry with me and treasure deeply to my death.
Experiences like this are what make it worthwhile. This is what justifies my choices, defines them.
I am a psychonaut at heart, an explorer delving into the chaotic depths of the uncharted and surreal human subconscious, and these are my reasons for being so.
I know what the experience holds for me, and it's quieted that curiosity that constantly gnaws at the back of my skull. I am by absolutely no means finished with them; I'm fairly certain I'll be using them on and off throughout the duration of my life. I'm a terminally curious person, and I'm doomed to wander the earth in a state of constant unrest and explore anything and everything that captivates my interest. My journeys into these outer worlds have certainly provided material for and fueled my art, and changed the way I think and view things.
I've weathered many pains and pleasures, and i don't regret a single thing I've done. I've made mistakes, I've suffered catastrophic consequences, but I'd do it all over again.
Drugs have shown me many things, tortured me into submission and deluged me with orgasmic pleasures; and through it, through all the ups and downs, all the journeys and experiences, what they have done most of all is bestowed upon me an immense respect, and love for, life and everything in it. these are my reasons.
I simply feel the need to explain myself, because most people simply look at the bad side of drugs from people who get stupid and abuse them, and in turn look down on everyone involved with them. Drugs are tools for the subconscious, and very, very volatile ones. If you can use them correctly, be very delicate and precise, they can show you many things and you will benefit immensely as a human being. I know I have. But once you lose your grip, once they sink their hooks in you, once you lose control, you become yet another statistic and sad victim of the double-edged sword of mind and mood altering chemicals.
I do the things I do because I personally choose to do them and have reasons for doing so; mainly, I'm god damned fucking curious. It'll get me killed one day, but until it does, it makes my life worth living. I cannot stand a blank, safe existence. I cannot stand staying in one place, staying in white walls, staying in a sterile environment where every inch is regulated and inspected and approved for my safety. It would kill me far faster than the drugs.
that is all.
...contact the Canadian Wildlife Service in Ottawa.
I know that not a lot of you read mindshock (Stuart)'s blog, and I know that it was a few months ago when I first wrote a little entry concerning his...um, increased usages of marijuana. Now, I know that you all know that I smoke weed, but at the most I've been doing it once a week since the first weekend in February and that's it. Moderation is alright, but when it gets out of hand...problems occur. I've been watching it steadily increase and I've been too scared to say anything to him about it because I've had A LOT of people in my life with drug problems, and every time I've tried to intervien, they cut me out of their lives or try to bring me down with them. (Hence one of several reasons why the video for "Scars" by Papa Roach is on my wiki page.) However, after the empowering experience that I had on Thursday, (as told in "My Big Step Vol. 1," "My Big Step Vol. 2," and "My Big Step Vol. 3"), I can say I'm not afraid anymore. He told me that today he was going to be "rolling, flipping, tripping, and buzzing, all at once," which by his definitions that's probably X, LSD, pot, and alcohol, and during sometime yesterday, I realized that I wasn't afraid to say something anymore. I don't mind talking to him on the phone when he's on something. It's actually a lot of fun. It's just....well, most of it will be explained as follows. He had a bad night last night, which he can share the details of if he'd like to, and supposedly he's quitting for good now. I was going through his blog and was wondering if maybe I missed any entries Thursday because I wasn't here for most of the day, and then at night I was stoned watching Family Guy, and I found this entry. I read it, and took my time trying to write a nice, but firm reply. Here is what i said:
"fuck, how did i miss this and the entry before it? did you do any of the coke with them? is that what one of the drugs you said you were gonna do this weekend was? anyway, i know you quit, but:
Yes. You are/were in a loop and you don't know it. I know you said you quit, but remember what I told you months ago? That you shouldn't do it more than once a week? And now look at you- you get pissed everytime your dealer stops selling. You took LSD again when you said you wouldn't ever again. You were going to take it again this weekend along with god knows how many other drugs. You're grades are suffering, and the two times now that you've been really into girls that you were going to talk to, you just gave up. I've noticed that the more you've been using, you've become less of sweet, understanding, romantic guy you used to be. It's changing your personality. Normally, I do a lot more than I have with you. Normally when I see people forming a drug habit, I do my damnedest to point it out to them and show them what they're doing to themselves, and that they should do they drugs they do and all the reasons why. But with you, I didn't. Why? Because you're just like everyone else- The few times I've said something about it, you kept saying you didn't have a problem. There was no problem. You are in denial, and it's put me in the possition of either losing a friend because he doesn't want to be helped, or just sitting back and watching him be consumed by something he hated so dearly as little as a year ago. Am I a bad person for choosing the later? Should I have said more things to you and tried to talk to you?
Also, just so you know, if what happened to you last night hadn't happened, and if I still hadn't seen this or the entry before it, I was probably going to write an entry that pretty much said everything that I just said to you tomorrow. I know I maybe should have said something sooner rather than just vent it all out, but two days ago I had the most empowering experience of my life and I'm not afraid of much of anything anymore. I'm not afraid to tell you that you have a drug problem, and I'm not afraid to lose you as a friend if you're not willing to believe me, and I'm not afraid to tell you that I don't believe you that you're quitting for good. Why? Because you said you were going to when you made the deal with that girl. You said you would never do LSD again. I don't believe it, and iIm scared that now that I've told you all of this, if you use again you're not going to tell me because you won't want me to know that I was right. But like I said, I'm not afraid anymore, and everything I'm telling you I'm telling you for your own good. (God, how parentish did that sound?) Moderation is fine, talking to you when you're trippin on every drug in the world is fine, that's not what bothers me. The fact that you don't do that in moderation is, and the fact that I've watched your drug habits snowball into something bigger and bigger is. I really hope you're not too hurt by this and I hope you don't cut me out of your life like so many people have because I've told them almost exactly what I've told you just now. You really are a great person. You're just in denial."
I guess my question is...did I just do the right thing? I know that may sound silly, but a part of me really doesn't know. I'm almost certain he's just gonna tell me off when he reads that and write some hateful entry or maybe even just delete his blog and all that, but was i wrong to write that? Did I just make a really huge mistake? oh, if you can answer some of the questions that I asked him in that reply, that would be a big help, too. Thank you.
I had a hard time waking up cuz not only was i up late, but wow was i stoned last night, haha, but i already posted that. finally woke up at like 8:56am, got dressed, got my passport back from housing because i turned in the paperwork and it turns out they're not charging me for saturday or sunday night cuz the suit was so trashed! woo! then i finally got ahold of the realitor and she said she needed proof of income from my mom and a copy of my financial aid award. i asked about seeing the g street apartments and she said i could turn the latter paper into the residant prop. manager there. i asked about seeing the townhouse and she said we had to make an appointment so it would be good if kim was there. sent a text to kim, called mom and told her what was up. kim can be here tomorrow and even the day after, her bday, but i have to work. called the housing office, when is work over? 4:30pm. call the realitor and after a couple tries someone finally answers. give them the situation. maybe we can have an appointment there at 4:45pm tomorrow, she was gonna call me back. Somewhere during all this maitanence came in and cleaned the rest of the suit and gave me a bed pad and Wendy gave me a call. i told her what i was doing and she said i should give her a call later. as i was leaving to go print and check out the apartments maitanence were leaving, too. they said the oven was the worst part.
i leave to print that paper and on my way see Jon. it was weird cuz i was going down the hill, look across the little valley to the other hill, and there he was walking down a trail! so we talked for a bit and that was chill. Stuart called me while i was talking to him so i didn't answer and i figured i'd call him back once i was done with all this other stuff. I went to the library, printed out my financial aid thing, walked into town, and checked out the apartment. i guess one was rented, but there was another available now, one that was gonna open like next week, and another that was gonna open up in two weeks. honestly, it wasn't that bad. it did have some stains, but nothing i wouldn't mind trying to clean up. and its SO CLOSE to campus! as of right now i'd rather be there than in a townhouse out in the middle of nowhere, which i tried to find and had no luck. :( at least i got a lot of exercise, haha. oh man, tomorrow is gonna suck! my fucking shins and shit are feeling so tired already.
it was cool, though, cuz on the way back to campus i heard someone call my name. i was like, "wtf?" and i looked into a window and it was Wendy! her room is NICE! its her in a house with a bunch of people with the circus or something, and the room is really big. like, i'd love to have that room, lol. so i hung out with her a bit and we just kinda talked and caught up. she mopped the floor in the bathroom and her room and we chilled a bit, then she had to get ready for a meeting and was gonna go eat lunch with one of our LGAs from last year. (Amanda. she was really chill, not at all like our LGA) i came back here cuz i still had three more things to do.
when i got here i ate a bunch of grapes because i was thirsty and i like grapes, but one fell on the floor. i picked it up and when i went to throw it outside, the people living across from me opened their door to talk to a couple people outside, and it was Gabe! omg! he lives across from me! lol. small world. well, then again this is arcata...and i really shouldn't be surprised that he would be taking summer classes....but still, lol. it made me really happy to see him, and it always does, cuz i gotta be honest- he reminds me A LOT of J. they look similar, their voices sound similar, they way they talk. and it didn't help that when I saw Gabe he was wearing beads, lol. damn it. its weird because i am really physically attracted to Gabe, but i know its only because he reminds me so much of J. not that he's not a cool guy. we'd talk about family guy and all that during or after NORML meetings. we didn't have a chance to talk, but maybe we can hang out some other time this week.
i called the Emma Center and they have me down for seeing the chiropractor in October cuz its the soonest they could get me in, so in September or so they're gonna give me a call as far as making the appointment and such. I asked them for my therapist's number cuz i thought i had it, but i guess its in a box somewhere and so after that i called her and left her a message. then i called the realitor again a couple times, and once again after several tries someone finally answered the phone! the appointment for tomorrow is a go. i texted kim and she's gonna give me a ride there after work. i'm so super excited. i told her i saw the g st apt and we were joking about the carpet, lol. good times. but yeah, earlier the realitor told us that they wanted to make their decision about those places either today or tomorrow, so hopefully we'll make a good impression and it'll work out! :D
so now...i checked my yahoo for the first time since like, friday, and Stuart apparently sent me an e-mail yesterday apologizing for the way he was saturday night/sunday morning. i don't know why i didn't think to check my e-mail, i guess i just figured he'd come on mindsay or call me, haha. so now i feel bad about saying i hadn't heard from him when really i hadn't checked my e-mail. then again, according to yahoo he sent it after 6:00pm, and even on eastern time that's 3:00pm and i pushed the publish button at 12:24pm. anyway, he said he called up and told his gf the next day, that him and one of his friends "were on so many chemicals that I think we actually went a step or two down the evolutionary ladder," and that some funny things did happen that he wanted to share with me, but he felt shy about calling after the way he acted. all this i could understand, but lastly he asked, "Oh, and if you wouldn't mind not blogging about that, I would appriciate it." My response?
"sorry i didn't get this sooner cuz i'm sure you saw that i already did, and to be honest, i don't feel like going back and deleting it. you put me in a tough situation and i'm not going to let myself feel responsible for your actions and your choices. many times i have been respectful and not blogged about the things we talked about while you were high, but this affected me too deeply to not say something about. i saw that you called today and i didn't answer cuz i was talking to someone else that i saw and since then i've been running errands, so its not anything personal. i was gonna call you back once i finally got some housing stuff straightened out and figured i'd check my e-mail because i hadn't for a couple of days. thanx for apologizing and i'm glad you told angela what went on. what were you on other than those three hits of acid?"
that's the e-mail i typed back to him and that's all i have to say on that. i'm gonna go chill with Ted for a bit now cuz he just called me, but i'll be back later to tell you more about the rest of my day, and maybe more about last night, lol. i don't think anyone cares to hear about me being stoned off of my ass though, so i dunno. later.
On the way back to the car and to Humboldt, Leonard and I were talking about drugs. I told him that at the time I wanna do shrooms and X, but i'm not sure about Acid. He said it was cool, and we started talking about how our attitudes on drugs have changed. He told me that at one point he never wanted to do acid and never wanted to do anything other than weed because he was afraid of how it would affect him, but his friends did it and they were ok, so he gave it a try. He also told me this story about how he ended up getting really stoned and trying morphine last year. the way he described it deffinately perked my curiosity, but that shit is really easy to get hooked on and he's lucky that he hasn't. It was funny, though, cuz when we got to the car he was telling that story and he forgot we came in the same car, so he was like, "oh yea, we're in the same car! i wanted to tell you this story before you left. This will make things easier." lol, high people. :P I told him about how I did meth twice and he said he did it once, and then we talked about the people we knew who were into it, how they can "quit any time" but are very obviously addicted. It felt good to be able to joke about how stupid they were rather than focus on how much my ex's lying hurt me. then again that could have just been the weed, but still, that's more progress. he's the dumbass who's fucking himself up more and more with that shit. i'm not.
when we all got back here we decided it was bed time, (it was 12:56am and we got to the beach at like 9:15pm), so i came back to my room. my phone said i had a new voice mail so i listened to it, and it was just more techno and Stuart going, "wha? wahh" and then hanging up. I called him and left a message that was simply, "sounds like we both had a good night. call me back when you get this! later." i didn't think he'd call back for another couple hours cuz his phone wrang once and then went to the answering machine. I came on here, ate half of a spinach & portabello eggel (bagel w/ egg) with avacado and swiss cheese (it sucked cold, but still satisfied) because i still had a bit of the munchies, answered the three replies i had on here, checked my myspace, and signed off.
I was just about to change into my night clothes when Stuart called me back. at first i had a really hard time understanding him because he couldn't really talk, still, but apparently his friend patrick decided to not trip for the rave, therefore giving Stuart his hit of LSD, meaning Stuart took three last night. As he talked more he got more cognitive, and basically what i got was this. He wanted to call his gf, Angela, but he was really high and also it was 3:00am their time. He didn't think she'd like that. (and how many times have people i wasn't dating done that and i didn't care? lol) so he asked me if i wanted to have phone sex. "Could you be her for me?" he asked. hearing that sentence and something in his voice...it made me feel really bad. I felt like a bad friend if I said no, but I felt disgusting and wrong if i didn't. i asked him if he'd tell his gf, and after much stuttering and round-about words the answer was yes because he's told her about his other sexual thoughts and he didn't think she'd care. i felt conflicted. he was pressuring me and i was trying not to trigger. he had three hits of LSD. but at the same time, fuck. i always take care of the peole i care about when they need me to, and but this is how he wanted to be taken care of right now. i wasn't in the mood and said, "I can try." he was like, "ok, let's start." i just kinda sat here and was like, "are you sure?" he said his dick was out, so he had to be sure. I asked if he was hard and then if he was stroking himself, and somewhere between those two sentences his phone died.
i felt so disgusting, but i didn't have the heart to tell him no so i figured i'd just ignore him. he called again. and again. and again. i put my phone on silent, but i could still see him call again. and again. and again. he ultimately left me three messages. the first two were pretty much, "Call me back!" and in the first i thought he was crying at first, but the more i listened he just sounded really panicy. i just couldn't do it. i figure i still had to have been sort of high last night at this time because i almost didn't call him back in the first place because i didn't want to deal with any drama, and even though i couldn't tell him no, i still had the willpower to put my phone on silent and ignore him. The last message i got was him saying he still felt kind of fucked up, but "I apologize for my behavior." he then tried to quote something from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but he was too strung out to make the sentence work.
Last night i felt bad. I felt like was a bad friend for turning him down and wondered if i did the right thing. when i woke up there was no question in my mind- i might feel like i ditched him, something i told myself i'd never do, but i did the right thing. i don't know how he would have felt when he sobered up, but i know i would have felt dirty and disgusting. when I dated Jon for two days while my ex and i were on one of our many breaks, he told me he didn't consider phone sex cheating and basically gave me permission to have phone sex with my ex. so i did. and in retrospect i absolutely should not have done that. i was weak willed, and i hate to admit it, but that time it wasn't all my ex. i fucked up on that and i feel so disgusting about it.
i know that not having the ability to just say no to Stuart out of some crazy fear is part of the PTSD. but look at all the other things i did last night- didn't even realize i was alone with four guys, two i'd just met for about 15 minutes last night until this morning, didn't freak out at Casey's joke, laughed about how stupid my ex was rather than feel like shit. Baby steps. Baby steps to recovery. I started to make a real fucking bad decision last night and still don't think ignoring him was the best choice, but it was the best i could do with all the triggers going on. but I know that i'm making progress because of the other things i'd done earlier, and yeah, the latter two happened when i was high, but being alone with four guys?! Two of them I'd just met??!! and one of them, Jose, was straight up mexican and because my ex was hispanic and his mom's bf was mexican, i feel especially weary around them. (i know it sounds racist, but its true.) And i didn't even fucking notice I was alone til earlier!
anyway...i would appreciate some sort of feedback on this. opinions, did i do the right thing, so on. part of me feels like i was just a bad friend all around last night. i said "bye" to dragonsbride so i could hang out with Ted, didn't talk to Anna cuz i was with other people, and had to ditch Stuart and didn't have the heart to just tell him, no. but at least i know with the last one that i made the right choice. I know this is long, but if you read it please leave some sort of feedback. Thank you. and yes, this is a public entry, so Stuart is fully capable of reading this.
and just incase, here's the link to vol. 1, even though its the entry right before this one.
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