Love Is Hard @ MindSay 
lost love
Since then she's had a few nervous breakdowns, mostly due to missing being back here with me and all of her friends, and partially because she's having a hard time dealing with her ill-tempered stepfather without having us around to vent to.
Well, last night she had another one, and it was a fairly bad one... she was crying and screaming and convulsing (not like a seizure, but like when you're crying really hard), and I just sat here watching from 2000 miles away, wishing to whatever higher power might reside in this universe to let me be there so I could make her feel better.
I have to say, kids, last night brought me that one step further toward the athiest corner, because watching that innocent, wonderful girl be tortured by love was the most painful thing I've ever been through, and to say that there is a loving god in this universe after that is downright unacceptable.
I know it's not going to get any better. She's stuck there for the next 6 years (she's already accepted at a college there that she's getting free tuition at), and I'm here until the end of next year, next summer at the earliest. It's going to be hard.
Nothing worthwhile is easy though.
I chant that mantra in my head every time I see her break down, and I try to be strong, knowing that, for her sake, I cannot break. I cannot yield or cower in the face of it all.
One upside though, if it can be called that in light of what it took to get to it, was that we got to talking more about our pasts, and learning things about each other that we'd still been keeping walled up. At this point, I feel a little bad again though, because I think I've heard just about everything that's happened in her life, and I'm still keeping secrets like a squirrel hoarding acorns...
~Mr. Mobius
Another sleepless night..
some people change
some things change
Its becoming a habit. I can't sleep. I can't stop my mind from thinking. Gosh i feel so empty without Ryan. what the frick is wrong with me. I LOVE sleep. I do. but I can't sleep. I miss him so much. I hate this. My heart is completely screwed up. I'd take him back in a heartbeat if he asked. Just an ex that fell hard for her boyfriend but he left.. He knows I love him. Told him. Its hard to fall out of love with someone. well at least for me. I'd feel stupid if i even told him. cause my heart is already broken enough. Maybe when I go back to college i'll play it tough like i didnt miss him but gosh there isnt a day go by that i dont miss him. He hasnt called me.. *sigh* I wish my phone will ring. Just hearing his voice.. gosh his voice.. i'm pathetic. Been drowning my ears with music. That doesnt get my mind off of him though. Wish it would. I dont want to chase after him even though deep down I want to but I think I said all that I could say to him before college ended. Now its all up to him. and I'm here completely pathetic cause I'm having the worst time letting this go. Its hard when you dated someone that you thought the world of. Even still when someone brings his name up i say, "Ryan was completely beautiful to me. and I'll always think hes amazing even if He isnt mine." *sigh* yeah..... I know.. you all are screaming at me saying brittany get over it. Sorry its just taking me so long to get over it when a part of me just doesnt wanna let it go cause I love the boy. so much. with all of my heart.
ok here goes my question... the last time i seen my bf was a week ago and i have only talked to him like in total 30 minutes this whole week. does this mean we are growing apart??? well we have been dating for bout 3 months. I am 14 and he is 17 and we go to different schools so we cant see each otha at school. well the only time we really do get to see each otha is when he comes over or i go to his house which is hardly never. he doesnt have anything "important" goin on in his life right now so why is he not wanting to be with me or talk to me???? i miss him so much and i dont really think he feels the same about me. what should i do???
PLEASE TELL ME!!!!!!!
-Heather-
Okay i got boyfriend trouble. i mean nothing really bad. i really dont even think he noes what he is doing. HECK i dont even think i noe whats wrong! but i feel something in my heart that, well i really dont know how to explain it.
SOMETHINGS WRONG!!!
i dont want to ask him if he still has the same love for me as he did the first month we were dating bcuz then he will think that i am doubting our love for each other.
I REALLY LOVE HIM!!!
i dont know how to tell him sometimes how much i love him!
i dont want to say he is hard to fall in love with bcuz he isnt. he loves hard and it was really easy for me to love him!
HELP!!!!!!!
i cant break up with him bcuz when i think of being without him i feel sad and my heart hurts (well thats a figure of speech i guess, it doesnt hurt physically, it hurts emotionally) but anyways i cant even think of us not being together.
i allready love him so much.......but what if he doesnt love me as much as i love him???? what if he hurts me????? what if i cant handle it???????? what if he cheats on me????????
i have all these questions!!!! but does anyone know the answer??? well i need to know!!!
im afraid to fall anymore in love with him because he might hurt me and i am sooooooooo SCARED of that!!!
i guess you could say i have comitment issues. but its not my fault, i have been cheated on b4 and i really dont want that to happen again!!! i have been abused (as my boyfriend says to me when i told him i have been cheated on)
hopefully he sees that i have been hurt and "abused", and hopefully he wont do it to me............
P.S.
and if he does ima kick his *ss!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
-Heather-
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