Love Forever @ MindSay

As much as I love him, sometimes he really knows how to get under my skin. I tried to call him yesterday morning and he didnt answer. Then he called me this afternoon and immediately started his usual complaints. Eventually he understood that I was a little upset that he just called to complain to me about me. Then tonight he called at 9ish and I talked to him for a few minutes then he had to go, and I was on my way to the movies with Catherine. (side note=tomorrow is her last day being ShortPump) So after I got out of the movie I called him(Before 12) and he was just grumpy. I just wanted to talk to him or have him tlak to me for a little bit, it was a slightly sad movie(Time Travelers Wife) okay a compleatly sad movie, and I missed him bunches and bunches. So he was just grumpy and unresponsive on the phone. I understand it was a little late, but really there wasnt a need to be crabby. So I found myself apologizing to him for calling so late and saying I was sorry for making him grumpy. Then I realized not too long after a hung up how absoultely NOT SORRY I was. Im not going to apologize for missing him because I love him, and wanting to talk to him. He used to answer my calls at 3 in the morning just because I missed him and couldnt sleep. Now he just hangs up on me. It makes me feel like he loves me less. I feel like that is completely backwards because I feel like I have been a way better girlfriend. Honest to god I havent even looked at a boy since the stupid kiss with some guy I didnt know that could have been a serial killer back in like April. I just, I know he loves me, but I want him to show he loves me. Or atleast I think he loves me, I guess if I really knew he loved me I wouldnt need him to tell me. I dont like asking him super serious questions because he either blows them off, tells me a stupid non-serious answer, or gives me an answer I dont want. I think he really WANTS to be with me forever, but he doesnt actually say those words"I'll be with you forever, or even I want to be with you forever" he just says, "I hope/want things work out" and says that he isnt 100 percent sure that he wants to be with me forever. Those are not the things I want to hear. I couldnt sleep tonight becuase I wanted to actually talk to him about these things but he turned his phone off so I couldnt call him. I dont know why but the stupid little things hurt so much. I mean, its like Im telling him honestly that Im ready to commit the rest of my life to him and hes being like uhh I guess. It makes me feel like hes with me because he is afraid he wont find anything better. Im sure there are people somewhere that could be better for each of us maybe, well maybe for him, but I absolutely love him for me, the things that do annoy me sometimes about him actually are the things about him that make me a better person. And I hate being the girl in the relationship. I really really want to be engaged, I mean we are talking about weddings and starting to look at them from the financial aspect, I want that visual symbol that makes us socially allowed to look at these things. Plus I love love the ring. Its my great grandmothers(shes still alive and wearing it, which makes it slightly awkward) and she has had it for like 60 years of marriage. She took care of me and raised me when I was a child so it really means alot to me for me to be able to share that with Jonathan. And I just think, the way I think about that ring now is mine and Jonathans, and if for some reason everything doesnt go through, I dont think I cold ever use that ring, it would be too weird, like using a wedding ring from a previous marriage for a new one. I love him, and I really really want everything to be good. I just want to hear important words from him. I feel like the most sincere words ive ever gotten from him were discussions after I had been unfaithful, I mean real genuine words from him heart. I want to be able to hear those without it having to be because I screwed up. I want to be rewarded with those words. I love him.

GOOD BYE

 

When you said I love you

When you held me tight and said I will never let go

When you said I wont let you go

When you said I'll try harder

When you looked in my eyes

When you said trust me

 

Did you mean it?

 

When you took my virginity

When you came in side

When you took your hand and slid it down my thighs

When you talked to me like never before

When you told me things

When you kissed all over me

 

Did you mean it?

 

When our lips became one

When we slept through the sun

When I gave myself to you

When you said forever

When you no one will take you away

When you called me baby

 

Did you really mean it?

 

I meant what I said and I trusted you too.

But for some reason you broke my heart in two.

When you said forever I guess you left out  the truth.

When you said I love you I guess you meant I like you to.

When you looked into my eyes you were really looking for her.

I guess I was the sucker and you got off on that.

So when I say Did you mean it Im really saying good bye.

Why they call it true love is be on me.

You didn't feel a thing for me and I just couldn't see.

What your eyes were really saying to me. 

 

So when I say Did you mean it. I really do mean Good Bye.

 

---Cotton Picker

 

Standing here, in the presence of God and man I vow to share with you all that I am...

because to do less would be to deny the desires of my heart. 

To be with you is all that I want...all that I'll ever want...

and so, I say to you from this time forth and forever more;

 

I want to dip my life into

   the well of you

I want to be adorned in the radiance of

   your love

I want to drip with you as

   the new day drips with the

   mist of wet dawn

I want to warm myself in the

   sunlight of your smile

I want to bathe myself in the

   circle of your gaze

I want to love with you

   and for you and because of you.

 

I want to caress your soul

   with fragrant wet sounds

I want to move softly

   through your mind

I want to be what you want and need

   for that time and place.

 

I want to thrill to the taste

   of you again and again and again

I want to melt all over you and then

   slowly seep inside to live.

 

I want to strew your path unknown 

   with the healing force of my trust

I want to shower your doubts

   with kisses

I want to wrap your dreams in velvet

I want to share all that you are

I want to be with you

I love you

I am you.

 

lovespirit

 

 

 

All these memories mean so much to me and I hold them near and dear to my heart.....I am in love with this woman and will be forever

I'm eating angel food, banana, stawberries & whipped cream mixed all together right now. Its so yummy that it feels sinful. (Even though its a perfectly healthy dessert)

I've been feeling the draw to travel again. It is soo strong in my bones that I wish I could go tomorrow. I guess that it doesnt help that we have been talking about visiting our lovely family in Michigan. (As an added bonus we may see this very awesome cool Chica!)

I also think that talking to my friend in Italy isnt very advantageous of me. I miss her. I also would love to see Italy and explore where she grew up.

Another strong feeling is to go up north to visit Lake Superior. The powerful pull, or dare I say, magic of that area has been calling me.

Perhaps its cabin fever? Perhaps its boredom? Whatever it is...

I hear it calling.