Love And Pain @ MindSay

So I was reading Maff's blog from a long time ago, and she put "you know what I always wondered why do we fight with the people that we love the most?  why do emotions flucuate so much from being happy to sending us back so low it's hard to get up in the morning and enjoy the day....all these things drive me insane..." and I totally agree with her, I don't get why emotions have to be so hard.  I don't understand why they must change so much.  Can't we just be in love and love our family and friends, and let it be at that? Why can't love determine all of your feelings, why must there be so much doubt and uncertainty that comes along with it, so much sadness and pain.  I just want to be happy, or at least figure out why I'm not...

Otitis Externa Rant

Hi there internet people! I just want you all to know (not that this really matters) that I am currently in great physical pain. I somehow managed to magically conjure out of nowhere a wonderful ear infection and it’s driving me nuts. Nuts, I tell you! Maybe this is God’s (the Judeo-Christian one) way of saying “go to church once in a while, you sonofabitch”, but then maybe not. Maybe this is just one of those unfortunate things that happen and does not necessarily involve a divine primordial being who, his adherents claim, loves us all, but once in a while goes apeshit over something as inane as buttsex. Goes psycho over something like that, then destroys two cities, leaving few survivors. Yep, that's a loving God alright.

As my right ear quietly and lovingly throbs the whole night through, I feel that I have to tell you all a wonderful story. It’s about this guy who gets initiated into a tribe of hunter-gatherers somewhere in Africa. The Babongo. As part of an initiation ritual, he is given this powerful psychoactive drug obtained from the root of the boga tree. He is in this hut and one tribesman prepares the root, cutting bite-sized chips for the guy to eat. And so the guy chews and swallows and pukes and chews and swallows again. This goes on until the drug takes effect. After the trip, the guy says that he felt renewed and the experience was life-changing. He realized that all life is connected and that the world is one living organism, that he is just one tiny part of this great and wonderful organism, then he puked some more.

What’s the connection? Nothing.

Now, it feels like an itchy, burning, rusty nail is being driven repeatedly at irregular intervals straight into the wall of my ear canal. You have no idea how this fucking hurts. I’m gnashing my teeth, man; gnashing for God’s sake. I’m talking biblical-level pain here, man.

I’ve had this for three days now, and I haven’t slept nights during that time because the pain goes overdrive during nighttime til dawn and somehow it becomes tolerable during the day when I take my medication. I can’t eat properly because moving my jaw hurts. I can’t go to the beach (not that I really want to..I hate crowds). I can’t go outside. I spent that whole sleepless time in front of the TV, exactly what I’m doing right now.

I love the news. I love CNN, Fox News, BBC. I love hearing about death and the war and protests and the killings. I love hearing that conservative nut Bill O’ Reilly rant against those left-wing bastards ruining his beloved American Culture. I love watching the Great and All-Powerful Leader of the World George Bush Jr. as he makes monkey faces delivering another one of his speeches. The news of the latest bombings and snipings in Iraq, captured terrorists, AIDS and the Darfur Crisis in Africa, all of these confirm my humble belief that the world is one sad, crazy place.

During the day, when fatigue, hunger, pain, misery, and the realization that the world is one crappy place overwhelms me, I have a light breakfast consisting of one loaf of sliced bread, bolinao (tiny, mummified fishes, fried), some rice, and a banana. Then I take some antibiotics, analgesic, antipyretic, antibacterial, anti-inflammatory pills. Next, I ask my younger brother (who, by the way, is being treated for tuberculosis) to put exactly three drops of this ear medication into my ear. Then I watch TV some more and this is when I get drowsy, and sleep away the morning. I usually wake up around 4 in the afternoon groggy with a slight headache and a wonderful feeling in my stomach like I’m going to vomit.

I’ll drink coffee and wait for the feeling to subside, eat lunch/dinner, reread Chuck Palahniuk’s Fight Club, and then contemplate suicide.

My writing this is some sort of therapy. You know, all that bullshit about expressing yourself so you feel like you’re doing something to alleviate some real or perceived illness. And so, now that I have given you a piece of my mind, please feel free to go on with your happy lives, have a wonderful summer and please vote Bayan Muna.

March 15, 2008 01:43 AM

Howdy Howdy all!

10 Things I like and Dislike about being in and out of love

10 Things I dig---

• Pure and uninhibited sex that comes from mutual interest and respect. The dirty stuff that you always wanted to try but couldn't try til you found the right partner. Especially if you like it rough....(I'm just saying)
  
• Beginning a discussion of my day from the point of view of a character I made up and having my lover indulge my fantasy...(this is HUGE for me, I'm pretty damn dramatic).
• The glow that comes from connection. Knowing that you arent in it alone is good for the esteem.
• Someone to take care of when the mood hits. This may just be me but I was raised to be a good and domestic Southern Girl and I sometimes can't help but dig up old markers in the DNA.
• Having one person in the world who understands that a fight is temporary. I fight with acid sarcasm and knowing that I can vent without a person falling to pieces is one of the best things about being in Love with the right person.
• Inside Jokes! I love having a little inside thing that is just ours that makes us giggle or grit our teeth at the same time.
• Someone to cheer me up when I hit a low (which honestly isn't often)
• Taking liberties with someone. You know, like poking fun at them in way that had you both doubled over in laughter.
• Having a man secure enough to accept flowers from a woman! (yeah, that's how I roll)
• Sharing their BITCHING Book collection! (I used to dig a guy whose taste in books was exquisite!)
  

Ten Things I DONT dig

• New and Fresh single-ness you feel with initial breakup
• The desperation you act on to try to re-assemble the house of cards that was the relationship.
• Realizing how careless you had been with your heart, home and/or wallet. That naive and defeated feeling that comes with the cool light of day that clears the cobwebs.
  
• The prospect of starting all over with someone new
• the absence of physical connection-the accidental daily touches. The sex (especially if it was good)
• Handling the minutiae of closing the Chapter. The exchange of property and the issue of future boundaries
• Controlling emotions, fits of rage or depression with no productive way to vent.
• Seeing them with someone new. Watching them love another harder and deeper than they ever loved you.
• Trying to assign or dodge blame. Once the depression ends the anger sets in and you just want to be right. Especially when you KNOW that you are indeed the one who IS right.
• Watching all your freaky secrets leave with that person and having to rely on their discretion.

This has no science fiction in it really but it is a bit of a fantasy to enter into a new relationship and to exit an old one. Like walking through a liquid barrier that leads to or from what was or will be your destiny. It is another world that we enter when we flee or run toward a coupling of any sort. Think about the shift in rules that take place when we transition into something new. I like even when it hurts but I like it. To be honest I am an optimist. I believe that all things can be endured. I think that pain and love meet and if we are lucky the love leaves the most significant marker on our souls....Well that inst fair because some pain leaves a necessary mark, but I hope we can learn from the pain caused by the choices we make and the people we love whom we leave or who leave us. sigh I guess I did sneak a little bit of fantasy in there after all....
Have a great day y'all and be sure to check our Bloggers Delight 2 Write for a wonderful and varied selection of writing....(careful there is some explicit language and situations on the site).

Seek Peace and Be true. What we put in the universe comes back to us 3 fold.
Goddess Bless

a blog post i found on livejournal that i found interesting If I am not secret, then I am vulnerable. I fear my vulnerability being used against me. It is only possible that it would be used against me because those not my friends are not expected to share my interests. Handing a desire to someone opposed to it or unscrupulous of emotional consequences can hurt me with it by denial. They can deny me: by destroying my ability to obtain my desire; by destroying the desire; or by taking the desire for their own. To protect my chances of getting what I want, therefore, I disguise my intent to a person until I can be sure they will not use it to my disadvantage. I lie to further myself. All lies by omission are properly termed deception. All lies by deliberate falsehood are lies. My personal code of conduct is to not lie much to my friends, and to not lie at all to those I love or respect. If I do something or develop in some manner that I suspect will provide impetus for a friend or loved one to cease or decrease their love/support/friendship/&c, I am conflicted. If I lie, I violate my sense of self. If I tell the truth, I may lose a part of my self*. Both are emotionally paining. Deception is done (1) to avoid [emotional] pain, and (2) to maintain relationships with others. However, if I view the pain as a tool to measure how deeply I care or how important a person is, it may be more fruitful than viewing it merely as unwanted due to its nature. By using pain in that manner, I can keep it from controlling me reflexively or unconsciously guiding my decisions; by which I mean that I can act in a manner that risks such [emotional] pain, if I revalue/redefine that pain. With such a revaluing of [emotional] pain, this may free me to act in a manner more in accord with my desires and thus my sense of self. I can remain frightened of the consequences but not be paralyzed by them. Lying is useful as a short-term solution only because it delays the inevitable judgment from a friend or loved one about what has been done or how I have developed. As such, honesty is a more effective long-term solution only because it forces the inevitable judgment, in effect forcing the consequences to become immediate. In addition because honesty is promoted and idealized in current society, utilizing it can imply virtuousness. All deceive: this is clear and incidental. None can accurately present the entirety of self in any one instance. All will lie as well: this is clear and more important, as the act of lying attaches importance to the item lied about. In the same vein, the act of being honest attaches importance to the relationship, as the more intimate the relationship is the less need for deception or lies. In effect, lies and truths are mere measures of two separate qualities, importance to the self and intimateness in relationship respectively. Lies are non-idealized in current society, however; loathed, in fact, where the ends do not justify the means. Because of this, the deciding factor between lying and truthing is the amount of fear concerning (1) the consequence of being discovered lying, and (2) the consequence of revealing what I choose to be. Only with a strategy that can deal with the (possible) [emotional] pain of being rejected for who I am will allow me to be honest at all possible occasions. Therefore, I need to view that emotional pain merely as a measuring tool, however much I understand I will still hurt even so. *Inasmuch as the more time spent with an other facilitates a feeling of oneness with them; the sharing of interests, activities, perceptions and, in general, living increases the sense of self to identify with that other. In sum: the sense of self is recognized in another by virtue of alikeness