Lousy Complicated Life @ MindSay 
Up turn.
Looks like things are turning around.
I meet this really amazing girl.
Hopefully I'll get this job I applied at.
Then I plan on taking her out.
We might get a tattoo. But I'm not sure I want a new one, yet.
So I may get something pierced. I like hole better then ink.
But I need the job first so I can fix my car.
Life is just complicated, any boring!
I meet this really amazing girl.
Hopefully I'll get this job I applied at.
Then I plan on taking her out.
We might get a tattoo. But I'm not sure I want a new one, yet.
So I may get something pierced. I like hole better then ink.
But I need the job first so I can fix my car.
Life is just complicated, any boring!
(no subject)
Have you noticed everybody is disappearing?
I have been thinking about it all day. I lost my dad and my great grandparents when I was only 10. My best friend and my uncle died last year when I was 16. In few weeks, there will be a 1 year anniversity of their deaths. They died on the same day. I was so depressed and I gained alot of weight. Food was my only comfort. It sucked big time. I never felt so happy.....never.
Another thing is....my reputation. I guess I'm tired of being the "bitch who swears like a sailor". I'm just tired of being a lousy student and a lousy family member. I'm so desperate. You know what.....This summer, I decidated my life to God...and I didn't do it....I was still old myself. I wanted to be so different. I wanted to be clean. I have done alot of stuff like smoking, drinking, and few things I can't name and I'm only 17. God, I realized....I'm not myself anymore. I have fought with my family and these are getting worse. They almost kicked me out of home....TWICE! Man, I want God so bad. I want to be clean. I want to be an innocent girl again like when I was a little girl. I miss that old Vicky. I feel so dirty. I swear so much that it's making me sick to my stomach. I want to quit it so badly but it's so hard. I want my hands and my mouth to be clean. I'm just so depserate. I wanted to be a minister....for deaf teenagers in the world..but now...I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel so low. Alot of my friends are accomplishing their goals during I screw around. This year, I already got lousy grades....I promised myself this summer that I will make good grades and make my family proud. Now, I feel like I am not making my family proud. My family is accusing me of being a "damaged goods" (in their own words) . They found out that a guy I dated told everybody that I wanted to have sex with him...it made me so mad! I didn't want to do it TILL I'm ready...which is when I'm married, you know, hopefully. I don't want to get pregenant and destroy my life. I want to go to college and make something out of myself. I want to be something....I want to be a minisiter, a interior designer, or anything. I want to make God, my family, and my friends proud of me. Jeez, I want to break down and cry...I seem like I can't ....I'm too tough, I guess.
Man, I want a "new myself" and change my reputation. I want to be good....like when I was in middle school and I was a freshman. I am so stupid to screw around and make lousy grades. I am not happy anymore. Nothing is making me happy....not even guys, not even food.....nothing. I'm so frickin desperate! Why am I letting my life get screwed up? There is nothing I can do. I am such a failure. No one want me, I know it.
Worst of all, I am thinking about killing myself. =/ I screwed up so much that there is nothing I can fix. I don't care if that's wrong...see, I'm a screwed up kid. I want to be that old Vicky so badly....
My nana described Old Vicky as a sweet, happy, innocent kid who want to make herself and her family proud. Now, I realize I'm such a failure. I messed up so much. I want to cry so bad. Man, I want to be that old Vicky. My family hates the New Vicky so much...I meant, they hate how I act and I let everything be ruined. I should have listened to my nana. Man. I am so screwed up. I really want to make my family and God proud of me. How?
If you are religous or anything, please pray for me....I need help with my life. I want to be a minister to deaf teens or an interior designer. Man, I want to change my life right now. If not, I guess...there is a way...kill yourself?
I have been thinking about it all day. I lost my dad and my great grandparents when I was only 10. My best friend and my uncle died last year when I was 16. In few weeks, there will be a 1 year anniversity of their deaths. They died on the same day. I was so depressed and I gained alot of weight. Food was my only comfort. It sucked big time. I never felt so happy.....never.
Another thing is....my reputation. I guess I'm tired of being the "bitch who swears like a sailor". I'm just tired of being a lousy student and a lousy family member. I'm so desperate. You know what.....This summer, I decidated my life to God...and I didn't do it....I was still old myself. I wanted to be so different. I wanted to be clean. I have done alot of stuff like smoking, drinking, and few things I can't name and I'm only 17. God, I realized....I'm not myself anymore. I have fought with my family and these are getting worse. They almost kicked me out of home....TWICE! Man, I want God so bad. I want to be clean. I want to be an innocent girl again like when I was a little girl. I miss that old Vicky. I feel so dirty. I swear so much that it's making me sick to my stomach. I want to quit it so badly but it's so hard. I want my hands and my mouth to be clean. I'm just so depserate. I wanted to be a minister....for deaf teenagers in the world..but now...I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel so low. Alot of my friends are accomplishing their goals during I screw around. This year, I already got lousy grades....I promised myself this summer that I will make good grades and make my family proud. Now, I feel like I am not making my family proud. My family is accusing me of being a "damaged goods" (in their own words) . They found out that a guy I dated told everybody that I wanted to have sex with him...it made me so mad! I didn't want to do it TILL I'm ready...which is when I'm married, you know, hopefully. I don't want to get pregenant and destroy my life. I want to go to college and make something out of myself. I want to be something....I want to be a minisiter, a interior designer, or anything. I want to make God, my family, and my friends proud of me. Jeez, I want to break down and cry...I seem like I can't ....I'm too tough, I guess.
Man, I want a "new myself" and change my reputation. I want to be good....like when I was in middle school and I was a freshman. I am so stupid to screw around and make lousy grades. I am not happy anymore. Nothing is making me happy....not even guys, not even food.....nothing. I'm so frickin desperate! Why am I letting my life get screwed up? There is nothing I can do. I am such a failure. No one want me, I know it.
Worst of all, I am thinking about killing myself. =/ I screwed up so much that there is nothing I can fix. I don't care if that's wrong...see, I'm a screwed up kid. I want to be that old Vicky so badly....
My nana described Old Vicky as a sweet, happy, innocent kid who want to make herself and her family proud. Now, I realize I'm such a failure. I messed up so much. I want to cry so bad. Man, I want to be that old Vicky. My family hates the New Vicky so much...I meant, they hate how I act and I let everything be ruined. I should have listened to my nana. Man. I am so screwed up. I really want to make my family and God proud of me. How?
If you are religous or anything, please pray for me....I need help with my life. I want to be a minister to deaf teens or an interior designer. Man, I want to change my life right now. If not, I guess...there is a way...kill yourself?
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