Lost Things @ MindSay

1) i'm fairly certain i've decided that my interest is no longer my interest. everyone asking me things like "if she blows you off all the time, then why do you even waste your effort?" got to me i guess. oh well. wake up call anyways, becca. i should've figured this out a long time ago.

2) where i live is about a mile above sea level. i've been back for only about three days now. it's weird. i've been living in zero elevation for two months, and now i'm up to about a mile. no big deal? ha! you haven't met my gag reflex, have you? i'm sick. headache, being nauseous, stomach hurting. this American food is so weird with my stomach. no, i'm not going to mcdonald's. just food in America. breathing is hard. the air is so thin. i can feel myself having to work at it to breathe. i feel dehydrated. i don't like it. and cross country practice starts on monday. ugh. smart move not doing any distance running all summer.

3) my mother is getting a crown on her tooth or something, so they gave her pain pills. Hydrocodone. big deal? yes. my mother is high almost non stop now. just the other day she got lost. LOST. in DOWNTOWN ELKO. this is not an easy place to get lost in. we had to go find her and drive her back home. she's so drugged up. she's running into things and breaking things. she bursts out into song at random moments. it would be funny if she wasn't such a creepy high person too. my parents are talking about sex. like SEX. like having sex and filming it. and how great they are in bed. and how big my dad's..oh God.



if my mom ever has some other surgery or some shit, i'm going with her and making sure she doesn't get anything like this ever again. make her take ibuprofen or asprin or something. eugh.

I don't know. After seeing you yesterday and knowing you lied to me about the cuts on you, I have lost a lot of trust in you. You act like it's nothing, and yet you know she is harming you. Why are you letting her do this? You used to bitch and moan at me about not listening to you. When I say you need to tell her something, you're like oh I already did but she didn't listen and you act like it's nothing. You ask if you would have a chance with me in the future. At the moment, you can forget it. I can't stand to see you with cuts all over your back, with hickies all over your neck. Why are you partaking in such stomach-wrenching activites? I'm sure I'm not the only one bothered by it. You tell me that her family is bad, as are some friends. Why in the world are you getting yourself into this situation then? I wonder sometimes if you realize this is a never-ending cycle and that you'll probably never get out now. But that is your choice. Yes, I've done some questionable things this past month, but they are not things that are leaving permanent marks on my body, and I am not getting into situations that I will not be able to step out of. This is what you want. This is what you get. You get an even bigger mess. Guess you should have thought about things. Guess you should learn to control your anger. I can't deal with your shit anymore.

 

As for me, I'm fine. You worry about me, tell me you hate Dave. You think he's a bad influence on me. He always asks if I'm okay, if I want to do something. He makes sure nothing happens to me. He's proud to hold my hand in public, maybe give me a little kiss here and there. He's not ashamed of me. He accepts me, doesn't yell, doesn't get mad. We talk, and laugh, and I know that he does not mean some of the things he said.. the difference in tone is clear, unlike you. He's not going to try to change me and tell me everything that's wrong with me. You never told me I was beautiful, that I looked particularly good one day, nothing. You always were like Sarah, you can't do blah blah blah. I don't want to see you get into trouble  with people. I understand you had my back, but you gotta let me make my own mistakes. People haven't seemed to have a problem with me or the way I am for several years, so what's your issue?

 

Thank you. Here ends the bitch-fest.

 

Yesterday, work was insanely busy. And hellish. Yes, I don't work in a fast-food job, but my job can be every bit as hell as yours. When people need their medicine and they can't get it, it's not a pretty sight.

 

I'd really like to see you tonight, babe.

I lost my phone sometime through out this morning. I realised it was gone when I was walking into my 1st period class.
When I got back on the bus in the afternoon and asked my bus driver if she found a phone, she said she had a lot, and so I described mine to her and she gave it back to me.

I don't know why, but I love when things like that happen. Losing things and remaining chill about it, not worrying, and having it all work out. I think the not freaking out is what makes it so fun. It makes everything so pleasant and OK. Then there are these people who go crazy if they can't find one little thing for a few moments. It's like an emergency: if you freak out, you're not going to do very well. Just take a minute to think about where it could be and calm the fuck down. If you have aboslutely no idea and are sure it is gone forever... Ok, then. That's that. Deal with the facts.

I dunno. I've just never really understood the whole freaking out thing. Like a while back when I didn't know where my iPod was. I told my mom and she was 10x more upset than I was. I was upset, of course. But she got crazy-like and cussing and running around and yelling and shit. I just walked away from her and sat down to try and figure out what to do. Then it turned up.

Really, worrying and freaking out doesn't get you much, at all, ever. Think about it. Seriously.

Anywayyy.
That was my reminder lesson for today. :)

Gotta clean up my room!
-Liv-

I've been having these dreams lately.  Normally, that wouldn't bother me if I had one or two of the same kind, even if they were like a few days apart.  But these dreams are so reoccuring...I've had basically the same dream a dozen times in the last month.  It usually goes a few nights in a row, or a few times in one night, and then a week or so without seeing it.   Then suddenly it's back again.  Just when I thought that eevrything was going okay, I keep having this dream, and it's really starting to freak me out.  I know that things are, in reality, quite the opposite of what I keep seeing in my unconsciousness, but if I'm so sure of it then why are these nightmares haunting me?  I don't even know why I'm having them, where they came from, or why that particular section of my brain thinks it's funny to come up with these horrendous figments of imagination.

In other "news," nothing much has changed: one still feeds me lines and false promises, both of them still try to rationalize things with unrelated, senseless arguments; I still can't legally drive; she's still out of town, her parents probably still hate me and will after they meet me; I can't seem to find the energy to care about the papers and speech I have to write; and I'm becoming less and less concerned with the fact that I'm lost in pre-calculus and a little confused in the more detailed portions of chemistry.

I have to do my laundary but I am being soooo very lazy!  *Sneeze*....damnit.....mike better have not got me sick....he is sicky today.....mother fudder...lol(my mother says that...mother fudder.....I love my mom^.^)  I have to clean my room too but I am being lazy.....Mike is at work so I have to room to myself...yah!  And of course I am bored....Michelle is at work.....I am being so lazy it isnt funny.....well a little....

 

I have to type up a paper for Thursday and I am not in the mood to do anything for that class...I have a feeling that I am not going to pass that class...I have just been doing horrible on the tests...even though I study....I just go blank and miss the little things that cost points and they add up...

 

Lets talk about something else.......

 

Anyway, I think I am going to do some homework and mess around on the computer....I dont know, I havent been in the mood to anything today....Art class was fun execpt the teacher lost my project I handed in.....And so I have to redo it.....and hand it in on Thursday.....I cant belive she lost it.....well, I have been known to misplace things so I cant blame her....things happen that you cant control.....Research and Methods class was boring....I just wasnt in the mood to hear a lecture...the guy next to me fell asleep in class....it was funny!

 

Well, I am going to go....my side is hurting....it feels like my gull bladder...I hope not....I going to take a painkiller soon if this keeps up.....I have to go to the doctor this week and discuess surgery....its my only option.....but some good news in the health part of my life, I am glad I didnt pay the $500 doctor bill for my 2 ER visits....because I got a statement from the hospital saying that my isurance made a payment and now I only owe them $186 now...yah!  I was worried about that bill....but I feel better about that.....well, i have to get going....laundary is calling me.....(*Shut up I know you want to get washed.....Dont take that tone with me.....Ahhhhhh help me, my pants are turning against me.....they are attacking....ahhhhh...help......*) LOL I know I am strange^.^ But that is what makes me special.....