Lost In Time @ MindSay

I'm spinning. But not in a good way. I'm drowning and I'm lost and I'm hoping I'm wrong, but in situations like these I never am. I know these patterns and I know these behaviors. I learned from the best. And now I am the best. I have passed on my skill, but now it's been turned on me.

The worst of it is, to be completely honest, I know nothing about him. I know of his past. I know how he used to be. I know that those tendencies are there, that he too has the skill that I do. But for the first time in a long time I actually saw something permanent. And now I have these questions. Who is she? Why is she talking to you? Why are you talking to her? Is she a friend of yours? Why have I never met her or heard you say anything about her? Oh wait - but I have. A devious little move pulled to assure myself that I'm the only evil in our relationship led me to discovery that you wouldn't fess up to even when asked at point blank. So I got a little more devious.

It's interesting the things you can find out by a stupid little Myspace app. I own you, no you own me, no - wait a minute. Who the fuck is that? Ohhhh . . . it starts to slowly dawn on me.

First there's initial sighting. So and so bought your pet [boy] for yadayadayada.
Go and click on the profile. Private, of course. So's mine now though.
Check the location. Yep, just where I thought.
Send message.
Send message?! What the fuck did I just do?
Almost instant response leads to a near heart attack. Arrange some photos. She's dumb enough to send a friend request.
Oh . . . got you now darling. Check photos. Yep, that's the same girl alright. Still talking to you after two weeks. Added you to her Top Friends.

Oh God. Is this why I barely spoke to you last weekend?

So the timeline will continue. Me driving myself more insane by the day, figuring out if I can really take of all this all over again. Should I just gloss over it? Should I ignore it? I'm no saint, we all know that. But really - I can't put my heart through this again. I won't put my heart through this again. It's taken enough already. One more time and I may actually die of a broken heart. Technically it's possible. Medically, anyway.

And now I wait, and I bait, and I weave the web and eventually I'll get my answer. I just hope it doesn't hurt too bad.

I've lost another lb bring the total to 13 lbs lost from my very petite but over weight body.  At 2 lbs a week, I'm on target to have lost 20 lbs by the time we go to our church camp in June, and a total of 30 lbs by the time I go to Dallas for my MK Seminar in July, and a total of 44 lbs by Labor Day!  That puts me within 15 lbs of my ultimate goal, which I should reach by the middle of October.

The last 6-7 weeks have been intentional dieting, and determined menu planning, and forced physical activity.  This hasn't been easy for me, and have another 23 weeks at my currant momentum to get to my goal.  I sure hope that after 30 weeks of this, that I will have developed healthier habits and can keep up the new lifestyle. 

Mindsay, YOU are my support, you are my cheerleaders! 

There are tons of diets and diet plans out there, and there IS one for you too, if you need one. 

I lost another iPod. The last time I remember having it I was in the planetarium last friday during 6th hour and I was messing with it in the dark until Nickole told me to put it away, so I put it away I don't remember either in my pocket or in my backpack. It was about the time I got down to the parking lot in which I noticed I didn't have it on me after I phone-groped myself. At the time I thought I left it in the planetarium so I drove up there and the door was locked. Mrs. Bierle is the only one with the key, so it was safe while it was in there and the door was locked. I waited until the beginning of this week and I was the first person in there since friday, which means it should've been in there, but it wasn't, and I was assured no one else had been in there or could've gotten in there, which was obvious. I still don't know where it is. I stripped my back pack to no avail. I've looked everywhere in my car and room just because even though there's only 2 places (the planetarium and my backpack) it could've been. I was one of the last ones out on friday before it was locked so i don't believe anyone took it, at least yet. I looked in the little section of the lost and found for it, but to no luck, but I didn't ask if any specific electronic device had been turned in, so maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

God. It could only be in the planetarium but I searched it bare, everywhere, and I'm going back to look tomorrow with a better flashlight, and going to the Main Office to inquire. Fuck, I'm going to cry if I can't find it. That'll be my 3rd iPod so far that I've lost/broken and 1000 dollars in the past 2 years down the drain that I could've spent on a bass guitar or my own computer.

I think it's just living in shitty Carlsbad. It's getting to me, holding me back, and causing me to experience decadence in all the worst ways. As if life couldn't get any worse.

Fucking Piss.

But in my heart she knows my one desire
She's gonna take me to the end of that road,
She lay down and die, I'll say "God rest here soul!"

I have been wondering about "NOT ALL WHO WONDER ARE LOST..." lately. It is one of those things that I obsess about for a while until I find something new to occupy my thought patterns. It is one of those particular concepts that strike me on multiple levels simultaneously. And at the moment, I am wondering about it though I am not lost though I may be considered lost in my thoughts at the moment, but not lost in any physical sense...

And I wonder about my wondering through the world I perceive. Each and every day I wonder on into the future and I wonder as to where my wondering will take me though I know that I can only wonder forward into the future, I cannot wonder into the past. I know also that I cannot wonder about the present for the present is but an illusionary boundary between the past and the future - there is no here and now there is only what is yet to be...

And my thoughts wonder into the realm of time and what is the future of mankind. While half listening to the TV, I heard someone say that he hoped humans would be around long enough to find the late Twentieth or early Twenty-first Century within the fossil record. This is a lofty goal for humanity. And knowing the history of life on this big blue orb, it seems highly unlikely that mankind as we know it will be here as we know it, but there is always the possibility that I may be wrong. Only time will tell I suppose, but I wouldn't bet the farm on man being around for a million more years for there are far too many things that can happen of such a long period of time...

Just as we today could not relate to our ancestors one million years ago, could our descendants a million years from now relate to us? What would the archaeology tell upon this point in history? What would they make of this Blog if they had a means of retrieving the data?

Just keep on keepin' on - always moving toward the finish line that point in the future where time as I know it in a physical sense ends...

This is the Word of the AntiCrust...

Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...