Lost Friends @ MindSay

I kinda didn't want to write cuz the last entry was one that changed my entire year, how I look at things and how I appreciate them. I can't believe it's almost 6 months since Danny died. Although I joke about how I feel and no longer talk about it, it really changed my life. I still have no clue why. I don't know how I can stop thinking about what happened and I hope soon he gets out of my mind. So much has changed since that last gut wrenching entry. I went to prom, met Jose Luis, lost one of my most beloved family members, went to Colombia, had the biggest scare of my life, met the most wonderful man ever, found out what love is, came back, made new friends, started college (IT'S ALL ABOUT THE U!), made huge mistakes, went through depression, lost 13 pounds, but also lost most of my friends, and now blogged on Mindsay after almost 6 months. Isn't it funny how when u chronicle ur life it all seems a big whirlwind? It seems like forever and a half ago since I was that little girl in Braddock, in Student Government, thinking that organizing prom was a huge problem. I always promised myself I wouldn't miss high school, and sincerely I don't. I just miss the security I had in those days, the friends I had my entire life, the fact the I had money to spend lol. But seriously I miss the atmosphere of high school but I'm glad it's a chapter I can put behind me. I don't fit in there anymore, I found that out by going to homecoming this year. I want to move on and become a better person but it's very frustrating when I'm just struggling so much in school. Socially I'm doing ok, I could have more time but I gotta work and study a lot. But somehow I can't seem to do as well in exams. I've never been much of a test taker, but it royally pisses me off to see how poorly I'm doing on major exams. WTF is wrong with me??? I mean I do awesome in assignments, but it seems the harder I study for a test the worse I do!! I don't know what to do and it's becoming very consuming. That seems to be part of the reason for my damn depression (which by the way this lady said I had symptoms of clinical depression, post-traumatic disorder, and anxiety disorder). The anxiety part seems to be most prevalent right now, I'm very nervous about how badly I perform on tests. Unfortunately in college that's the main grading tool for teachers, assignments don't count... =( I wish I knew how I could do better. But I'm praying that all these horrible test scores don't bring my grade so far down that I can't recuperate. It's kinda cool to blog here after some time and see how my worries and fears shift as time goes by. I hope to one day look back and laugh at how I worried about stupid COM 101 and COM 110 (which ironically are my major-related classes, any signs?). But until then I guess I'm gonna have to try harder and have less of a life. =( dammit. I can't stress out and fall into that seeminly bottomless hole I was digging for myself just a week ago. I just started snapping out of it, and I don't intend on going back anytime soon. I have to stay positive, I just wish I had close friends to share that with. Oh well. One thing to look forward to is my first ever COLLEGE HOMECOMING! and this weekend the U will whoop FIU's butt. =D how exciting can anyone say tailgate??? =P ok I'm being "positive" right now even though my mind is reeling on how to bounce back from my academic failures. K enough for now. bye bye.........................

NaTy

I've had an email pen pal kind of correspondence with someone I met on one of those online dating sites years ago.  It was a site called "love.org" that I joined just for laughs and I don't make it a habit of doing any online dating because all the times I've attempted to meet people that way usually end up with nothing or with me attracting some weird old guys I don't want to meet. 

But Paul was cool.  

Paul was from Ireland (a place I've always wanted to visit) and he shared lots of info with me about the place of his birth. He kept me in stitches with silly little jokes and pictures he'd send every now and then.  He asked me for my phone number last summer which I was happy to give but couldn't give until I got new phone service, which didn't happen until I moved into my new apartment in November.  Since that time I've gotten not as many emails as I usually got from him which led me to believe he was just busy and it was no big deal.  There were times I would've liked to meet him but there just wasn't the opportunity available to me to travel.  Yet, I must confess there are times when I put off meeting people I only know online because I'm just dead nervous meeting new people in general and, when you've only known folks online, there's the anxiety of wondering if you'll meet their expectations about yourself, if you know what I mean! 

In any case, Paul finally got around to calling me a couple of nights ago but, sadly, I wasn't home to recieve his call.  I had just been thinking that he had forgot.  I checked his blog on MySpace and read that he is back in the states and has hooked up with his pals in Chicago.  I just tried checking his blog again to see what's up with him, but now it's been disabled!  For the most part it made me realize, even though I keep him as an online contact, that I really don't know all that much about him and feel kinda silly for worrying about giving him my phone number when he hasn't called me until months after I sent him my number.  In any case, his birthday is tomorrow and I do wish him a great time.  He might be in a relationship for all I know and sometimes guys are a little frightened to keep corresponding with other women while they're dating one exclusively.  I sent him an email to let him know I received his message but the delivery did not go through which now leads me to believe he has cut me off from his contact list.  Seems strange after four years of communication to be disconnected.  Makes me believe that, at any time, all these words we exchange with one another over the wires can end and we all just go on with our lives as if we have just been talking to ourselves all this time.

Is that what blogging and pen pals are for?  A way to communicate to others as we would ourselves?  What are we on here for?  I like making friends online, it's a way for me to stretch my imagination and hang out with people I wouldn't normally meet on the street because I'm stuck in a boring little town in the middle of snowy Wisconsin.  As I write here to all of you, I realize how much I want to travel and really visit with each and everyone I meet.  Imagine what we'd talk about over a cup of coffee...

In any case, I realize I'm a little more sensitive to losing even the most seemingly small correspondent after I lost my best friend, Andrew.  I still talk about him as if I could call him up tomorrow and sometimes I think I need to wear a rubber band on my wrist to snap myself back into reality.  It is a really bizarre thing to lose a friend after they get married.  Andrew wasn't the only guy friend I've lost over a wedding.  I still think it was stupid of him to treat me so badly, but then again, I kinda exploded at him for getting married so suddenly.  I guess I've always wanted to be in a friend's wedding if I couldn't have my own, you know?  When he was engaged to his ex, Bonnie, I bugged him constantly about what role I'd play in his wedding ceremony.  When he told me he was just going to ask me to give a speech during the reception, I felt degraded.  I realize now it was really because I wasn't as important to him as some guy he went to college with, that I wasn't the Best Friend I really wanted to be, that I wasn't even like family or anything and, at any moment, the friendship would end.

Friendships are fragile things, because we have no control over someone else's feelings or circumstances.  We never know what relationship, really, will stand the test of time and, when it's too late, when people move or get married or forget your email address, it's like we were just talking to strangers who will later become immortal acquaintences in our dreams.  Sometimes that's how I talk to people I miss; I talk to them in my dreams before I go to bed late at night, I whisper things that I hope will somehow reach their soul.

And what do I say?  "I love you and you will never be forgotten; even if you forget about me."

So. I saw someone on T.V. wirting a blog and thought, hey why not me, so here goes... I'm a 21 yr old senior at an HBCU at which I'm very proud to be student. I am active, popular, smart, but one of the lonliest people here with a GPA that aint bad but could be better. I have friends, well associates, and I had "tru blues" for a while until...well, what always happens especially with my female friends. We just don't talk anymore. It wasn"t even a 'we lost touch kind of thing.' Our entire relationship just died, and if it ain't dead its in the ICU in a coma. So the best friends I made my freshamn year here, don't talk to me now and we're about to graduate, well those of us that are still attending school. No, I didn't sleep with anyone's man. No, I didn't talk about them behind their back , though they may have done that to me a couple times. I was a good friend sistah-friend. So what happened?

Besides that, I am dating someone great, but I don't know why I'm dating him. I'm not sure if its because he really is great or if its because he thinks I'm great. I don't know if I'm falling for him or for the validation he gives me.I was hurt and am not sure if I'm over the pain of that love lost, especially now with the girls who that whole drama are "gone" too. I'm so confused. About alot of things.Thats why this is, "the best of times..."

Moreover, I find myself remembering all the crap I've been through and wondering if my feelings are normal for a 21 yr old or am I freaking out? Which is it? I've also been reading those " young, black, successful, female" books alot lately and find myslef dreaming about the future. I'm a successful journalist with my Master's from Columbia, living alone in my N.Y. Loft, under thirty yrs of age, under 160 lbs, and I type, read, do yoga, and drink chai tea (yumm). Does that sound like tooo much to ask? I want to know what it is belong to a girly-girl sorority, do brunch with my sadity girl friends and shop or go the spa for therapy. I want to be invited to Martha's Vineyard, far away from the hood in Cols, Oh where I grew up. I will never forget God or from whence I 've come but it would still be nice to be able to have something waaaayyyy better to comapare and contrast.

Well, I'm not sure if I'm doing this blog thing right, but it felt pretty good. I have a paper to write before 5 so I guess I should go now and write something later.

Until next time....

I dont think anyone reads what i write so this is pointless what w/e..

So this is pretty much the first day that i've gotten alot of homework, but i guess thats what 11th grade is all about. I need to work hard this year! hopefully i will do good. Other then my homework, i need to do about 40 pages of PSAT prep for wednesday, im flipping out about that, along with the PSAT's & SAT's! wow.

Hm, so what else? well i've relizing whats more improtant to me, who i know i can trust, and who are the people that are just there and dont really give a shit. I was randomly talking to jana today about friendships & how people drift, and we started talking about our new friends in high school and how we lost touch, it was sort of a sad converstation that we had, because me and jana were best friends in middle school, we were pretty much always together, high school came around and we sort of lost touch, i became friends with one group of friends, and she became friends with another.

So after that, i started relizing that losing touch with friends is really upseting, i really dont want to lose touch with any more friends, although i know that's already happend. I really hope that this year, i can regain friendship's with some people and finally get closer with some, actually some that i was really close, like very close to, best friends a few years back, actually around like 9th grade.

hm so thinking about this once again got me a little upset, but i guess other people have worse things that they need to worry about, so this is a stupid reason but still it gets me upset =/

im going to go back to my tons of homework.

comment me!!!!! it will make me happy lol