Lost @ MindSay

It's been a year and some change since we broke up, but I have to say, the feeling in my heart hasn't died down a single bit. 

I suppose it's easy to say that without taking everything in hindsight; that was always what pissed you off, though.  My inability to actually perceive what had happened in the past, or at least, my ability to ignore it.  It should be known, though, that it's not as if I have ignored the past.  If anything, I've learned and adapted from it.

I remember telling you this and letting you know how badly I wanted another shot at things, and how that attempt resulted in heart ache, a fight, and crying on both of our ends.  The entire situation seems so surreal, though.  I feel as if my life was supposed to have been with you and that by being broken up with you my life has somehow been desynchronized.  Nothing seems right.  Everything seems wrong.  It's weird, really.  I've fought the depression and the loneliness only to find that even when I don't have the two of these I still want to be with you.  Other women seem to look plain; drab even, laughing doesn't have the same effect unless I'm sharing it with you and I still go to bed every night wishing / hoping / praying that you will come back to me.

Without you, I feel as if I'm walking the same path that I have walked a hundred times before.  Lost in the woods with no bread crumbs, my life has gone from a glorious walk in nature, side by side with you, to a nightmare.  When will my heart wake up?  Never; it knows that I am faulted for its pain.

I love you and will always love you.

Yoursonlyyours.

There was a time in my life when I thought I knew what I was doing and where I was going. A time when I was strong. Independent. A time when I knew who I was, or at least thought I did. Not anymore. I'm clueless. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing, where I am going or even who and what I am.

Depression sucks.

It sucks the life out of you. It sucks the life out of the ones you love and that love you. It shuts you off from the world.

I have no idea how I got here and what's worse is I have no idea how to get out. I have had to cry my heart out and beg for help assuring them I would be dead if I did not receive help. They help until they feel you can move on but you can't. You want to talk, you need to cry and vent and yell and scream. You want the pain to stop and go away, leave you forever with no chance of it returning. You want to hear yes, it happened and no, it was not your fault. You need and want someone that really understands. You want your sister back because she was the only one who knew and understood.

No one understands that.

Hey everyone.. I'm new to Mindsay. I was just browsing and found this site, and I felt obligated to join, because there's so much I want to say, and it seems like no one is listening.

 

Over the past few years I've had a lot of problems with my health. For the longest, it seemed like I was in the hospital every three months. I had my gall blatter removed and it's been downhill ever since. When all my health problems started, I was in a relationship with a girl that I would've died for. We dated at least three years, and I didn't see us ever seperating. We practically spent every day together.

 

It seemed like once my health started to fail me, everything else in my life went sour. My parents divorced soon after and that took a toll on our whole family, because my father is disabled and we knew how hard things would be on him making it alone. I sit and wonder why my life has turned out for the worst every step of the way, but the more I think about it, the worse I feel. Thats why I'm here. No one reads my blogs on Myspace, and I honestly don't think anyone cares whats going on in my life- but for the ones who do take the time to read this... I hope you can understand my pain.

 

After my parents seperated and I kept getting sick, my relationship with "her" started to strain. I don't know why. I cherished her more than I did my own life. She would come every other day and see me during my weeklong stays in the hospital and thats what kept me strong. I was scared. I'd never been sick like that before, and I really appreciated her being there for me. But things changed...

 

Once I was released from the hospital, things felt awkward between us. I could see it in her eyes, I just can't explain what it is that I saw. She didn't look at me the same way. I felt like a freak. I was on all of these medications, and half the time wasn't in my right mind due to these meds, and we finally split up shortly after. Ever since then, I've had no self esteem whatsoever. She made me feel worthless. To be with me for so long, just to seperate like this?.. I felt as if she was ashamed of me... Therefore.. I was ashamed of myself. I fell into a downward spiral. I lost all interest in all the things I loved to do, and I honestly wanted to die. I felt dead already.

 

To this day, I haven't had another girlfriend. I haven't tried to get one. Because of how she made me feel. She made me feel like a piece of trash, just thrown out like yesterdays newspaper. I feel inadequate. I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. My health prevents me from ever holding down a steady job, so not only am I nothing, I have nothing to offer any one who decides to be part of my life. But I shouldn't have to have money and jewelry, and a sweet ride to feel normal. Material things like that are the reason people are so shallow and cold. I don't want to be alone.. But as long as the world decides your worth by what you have to give, I suppose I'll be worthless for a long time. I have a heart of gold, but inside it's dark and cold. Waiting for some one to free me from this hell I've created for myself.

 

Thanks for your time. I'll post more in the future.