Loss @ MindSay

                Our precious Chinese sister, Yin Hon Ying, is back in the States on business.  We talked on the phone for an hour or so.  I rejoiced—selfishly—when she told me she might be moving to the Bay area but also felt sorrow, which I expressed to her, that she would be leaving her homeland, her China.  She is currently living in Beijing, away from her family, away from her friends.  She’s lonely.  In San Francisco, at least, she would be around her colleagues. 

                We had a deep conversation about the death of her mother, which occurred about a year ago.  There is no right way to grieve.  It’s messy.  It hurts.  There are no easy, toss-off answers. We just have to go through it.  Thankfully, we have the Lord to help comfort us.  Even with Him, it is extraordinarily difficult.  

                It was a hard room we were in, last night.  I talked about the pain I still experienced over the loss of my mother, when I was sixteen. 

                We wept together on the line.

1 month ago tonight, my Dad passed away.  I realized this as we were standing at his grave site this afternoon.  1 Month already!!!  Today was not really a planned "ceremonial" type trip to see Dad.  My niece from Arizona was visiting and she wanted to go to the cemetery with Grandma *My Mom*.  I had intended on giving her the keys to my truck and saying go ahead because I had thought she wanted time alone with my Mom.  Guess not.  So we all went.  A whole month has passed, and it's still pretty painful to be out there, to think about, to talk about, etc.  As I stood there lost in thought, I concentrated on the grass/sod that was starting to grow over Dad's final resting place and all I could think of was how much I miss him, and how I really, REALLY resent my older siblings, because they had some pretty awesome quality time with Dad when they were kids.  I did not fare as well.  My Dad was drinking pretty heavily, and by the time I was born, there were very few fun times for me to remember (or my younger sister and brother).  But I have long since forgiven Dad as I realize that alcoholism is a disease, and I chose to get over the past, the anger, the "what wasn't" and just chose to bond with him and love him now as he was in his later years.  It's a choice I'll never regret, I can be honest when I say that, but part of me is having trouble with the siblings who seem to be "moving on" in life when I seem to be stuck in this spot of grief that has a hold on me.  Maybe I think too hard and if I just think of the times I had with Dad in recent years that gave us pleasure and laughter I will eventually have less room in my heart for the sadness and pain.  All I know is that it still hurts and even though I try to be strong for those around me (like my Mom) I couldn't stop a tear or two from sneaking out and running down my face.  I think it set the pace for the rest of my day, but one thing I did enjoy today was looking at some old pictures.  I saw an old picture of my Grandma (Dad's Mom) who I have been told I resemble a lot, and it's a picture I've never seen before.  She was beautiful and my Dad loved her dearly.  It did make me feel closer to him.  Then I ran across a picture of my Mom's Mom that I had never seen before and I think it bonded my Mom and I as she reminisced about the color of the dress that her Mother had been wearing in that picture.  So, it was a sentimental and emotional day, and what I am hoping is that tomorrow will be a lighter day.  Grief and depression seem like too much to fight all at once.  But I will fight...because Dad would want me to.

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