Losing @ MindSay



 

   
The little things that run in my mind


"I need someone to tell me"


I dont know what to do with myself.

i feel like i am losing him.
i dont know if it is me or not. i have never had anyone move away from me and still love me as though it was the first time we fell in love. i have to be in the is 100%. i love him to death and back. he knows this and forever will.
i need to stop my mind from wondering, i have to stop believing the lies it thinks of.
i hope ill get over this. i dont want to stop loving someone as wonderful as him.
i know one will ever treat me with such beauty.
 
Please be there for me, to tell me it is going to be ok.
Someone to catch me when a I fall.
Hold me tight when i am losing my own war.
My so-called Friends just push me aside, tell me to get over myself.
They dont like to deal with me.
I am sorry for being emotional.
Sorry for hurting.
But i am not.

I am this way because i love this person so much that it takes all my strength.
Sometimes i cant do everything myself.
We all need someone to lean on at times.
He is not here to fight my fears
Wipe away my tears.
Hold me tight so he doesnt lose me.
Tell me it is ok with his kisses.

I get no confront from my rents.
They dont understand why i am like this.
[when do parents understand]
Why i love him so much.

His has new friends.
Girls
What comes to mind is horrible.
I am too far to touch him
No where close to protect him.
This is were my mind takes over.
Tells me the evilest of lies.
Tear every inch of me down,
Destroying me.
The things they could be doing
Please dont get my wrong, i trust him with my life.
it is not him i am worried about.
Them
i cant deal with.
My mind is my enemy when it comes to things to happen.
I welcome it, knowing i am losing.
Where i push everything away.
where i feel the losing of him.
DAMN IT
 I NEED SOMEONE!!!
Please Help me
I am losing myself.
Losing the one person that means the world to me.
....But no one can help me.
i have to deal with it by myself.
thats what i have been told.
No one with care.

Please tell me differnt.
Show me someone does care
what happens to me.
 
 
   
 

My father has passed away

I lost my beloved father this past weekend. Although my number was programmed into his phone, apparently, they didn't notice, so they didn't call me until last night. It was a very tough night, this being an event that will drastically change my life once his home is sold. I'm headed for Oakland today, to be with my sisters, to remember what a wonderful father he was, & how very much we'll miss him. I've been going up to cook his Thanksgiving & Christmas dinner for him for several years, & I can't possibly express how very devestated I am, & how hard I'm trying to be strong. I'll rent a car to get up there (hub will need his truck to get to work, & no he won't take time off) but then I'll use dads car to run errands etc. This will be a good time (when my sisters have gone) to talk to the DA about the cold case I just spoke of (which is now in google, that really surprised me), so I hope I can accomplish all that my father wanted, so since I'll be in Oakland, perhaps someone from the DA's office can come speak to me. I'll be online while I'm up there, so I'll keep everyone aware of what's happening. In the mean time, it's now time to be with my sisters & remember our father for the wonderful loving man he was. Pray for me, if you pray, that I can retain my strength during this sad sad time in my life. Blessed be, QuellyQ

 
 
 

   
The more my mind is set

It's the 2nd of 3 songs written by Mick Paul and I a while back, that I have selected to upload. Ths one shows off Mick's Bass skills a bit. I just wanted acoustic guitar and Bass in this, and I think it worked quite well. The vocals are a little off key in places. This song, and most of the others were only written hours before they were recorded, so I'm not that surprised at the mistakes in the mix.

The song is about a contreversial subject, though I'm not going let you know what it means here. You'll have to watch the vid to find out. I reveal the meaning near the end of the video. It gives a completely new angle on the words.

Returning to Mick. Here is some information on the history so far of this very talented guy:

Played on 2 singles in 1970.

He joined "The Hotshots" in 1973. They got to number 4 in the british chart with one of their releases.

Joined "Union express" in 1974 and toured around Europe for 2 years.

From 1978, he did some session work for the B.B.C. and for a various number of publishers.

He was also an in-house bass player at Abbeydale studios in West London.

Co-wrote the Labour Party campaign song in 1987.

Joined "More tea vicar in 1990.

He wrote and performed on a single called "Aquarius" for Yello records, produced by Tyrrell.

He played bass on the "David Hasselhoff" single "If we could only say goodbye" (Yes. It's The Hoff).

and there is more..

I'll give a web link to his recording studio in West Worthing, southern England:

Froosound Recording Studio

This is the guy doing all the music in this song. The previous song, and the next song.

The title of this song is "Losing my mind". I hope you like it, and the Bass playing :)

Now for the Youtube stuff.

A rise in my subs to 692.

The Channel views are 15,540.

The overall vid views are 237,970. Still on target to hit a quarter of a million by the 17th of July. climbing at about a thousand views a day.

Coming next is the third of the old original songs, featuring Mick Paul.

I'm still beavering away on my album. Yesterday I woke up singing a song. Weird I know, but it was pretty good. I'm going to put the track together to see what it sounds like in real life, and if it's good enough, it can go on the album.

 
 
   
 

gaining and trying to lose some pounds.
  for the past few days, i have been going on a diet so that i can lose all my fat in my thighs, stomach, and a little bit on my chin, maybe a little possibility, i can lose a little bit of fat on my chest....girls you know what i mean....  But other than that, i have been gaining some pounds since i was sick for a month with a sore throat i couldn't talk for a week, and i ended up going to see a doctor for a bump in my neck that turned out to be an infection in my limp note(at first i was worried that it was a cyst....but my mom thought secondly that it was the mumps), so i have been on antibiotics for 10 days.  A week later i developed a rash on my right hand that bounced to my left, and i have been itchy and the rash was spread up to my elbows.  So it's back to the doctor, and it turned out to be a allergy reaction, or a viral infection, so i was yet again put on medication, this time: Steroids. Anyways back to my diet foods, For breakfast i had a apple, and a yogurt to help me get some energy, and i have been drinking water, and doing at least 50 sit ups, lunch i had wheat thins with cottage cheese, and for dinner, i had some of my mom's and my cousin's girlfriend's cooking when i went walking to their house.  And, i had another apple and yogurt and 50 more sit ups.  Maybe this coming week, i might go to the high school and walk around the track, go to the park, or ride my bike until i'm at least pretty tired, etc.  In two months, i'll be doing my first gig at a 4th of July cookout at my grandfather's house, and afterwords, i'm gonna see what happens next, i might never know.  If it works out for me, then i'll move to Full Time, and i'll be quitting my job watching kids, to pursuing into a DJ, and maybe going out of town for gigs or staying in town for some gigs, etc.  Anyways i got lots of stuff to do before the 4th of July, and i needed to see Juan about this, learning how to control the equipment, and once it's done i can get set up for the cookout on the 4th of July, and i can't wait for it!!  i g2g so until then peace
 
 
 

   
Fuck "Me Time"
Today's been an interesting day. It's the first day since dad's death that I felt like myself. Yes there were moments when I was sad and as always I thought of dad but those thoughts didn't turn my feelings into heavy sadness. I know not every day will be like today, but I believe its a start in the healing process.

The start...the beginning of a long journey. Its a journey I feel like I am walking alone.

The one thing I did realize today is how much I am not going to like this "me time" if I can't have any time with my love. I'm using this time to grow, to learn about me, to heal but if this time means not having any time with my love, then I'm going to begin resenting and hating this "me time" and if I begin to do that, then my growth, my learning, my healing will be stunted.

I'm hurting from losing my father and now while I'm trying to heal from his death, I'm hurting because I feel like I'm losing my love. Now, instead of feeling like I lost the most important man in my life, I feel like I've also begun to lose the most important love in my life.

I was actually feeling good about today, now I fee like shit because my heart is aching from not having my love and from not having my father. Instead of embracing this "me time" I'm beginning to hate it.

FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT. I can feel this anger building inside me again and where I was looking forward to tomorrow and tackling a new day, now I'm dreading it. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

How do I balance the time I need for healing with the time I need with my love? How do I go about healing from the hurt and not hurt my love by not being with her? She says I'm allowed to be selfish and take this time for me but I don't want to be selfish, I can't be selfish. Why can't healing and being with her work together? She says she doesn't want to make this any harder on me but not hearing her voice, not getting an email from her, not having contact with her is hurting me and it is making it harder. I can't focus on healing when my heart is missing her, when my heart feels like its out of sync.
 
 
   
 

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