Long Distance Relationship @ MindSay

I IMed Andrew last night and he starts off with "Hello Heart Breaker" Well thanks. i guess.  I gave him different senerios and we came to the conclusion if I dated him, being a long distance relationship, if another girl came along thats there where he is, he'd dump me for her. Mhm. thats wonderful.  I said, "yeah but if your certain its who God has for you, you wouldnt think twice about someone else even if the oppertunity came up."  and he said that for a while he thought I was the one God has for him until i told him i dont want a relationship right now so now he says he doesnt know.  Okay to me thats dumb.  If you KNOW someone is THE ONE then you dont the next minute give up and let her go just cause the girl isnt ready for a relationship.  So all of this has proven to him that he'll never have me because I will never be the first and only girl in his life worth to make it work.

 

I told him I'm sick of short term relationships.  Really am.  My heart cant take it anymore.  I just want the next guy I'm with to BE that one God has for me.  I cant have another heart break. I cant.  After Ryan, no way will i go through that again.  I'm done. I'm so done. And I will be a stubburn little brat and turn down any guy unless i feel in my heart Hes the one. With Andrew, I feel confusion and no peace in my heart at all. So, hes not it for me.  Now everyone in his family can stop trying to get us dating cause i dont want to.  He's just not it. HES NOT IT!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

 

What I'm also looking for in my husband is a guy that thinks my singing voice is beautiful. and Andrew, I sing worship songs with him all the time and he hasnt said a thing.  So then i was like yeah uh huh not it. notttttttt ittttttt.  i KNOW for a fact God has called me to worship.  and my voice I sing to God with is pretty much important to me.  so I'd love it for my husband to think i sing amazing since i sing 24/7.

 

Maybe I'm still sad that Ryan isnt it.  Maybe I'm still sad that that boy doesnt care about me.  Maybe I've been pretending to be strong the past 2 weeks.  I think I'm deffinately ready to move on but not ready to date a guy.  You know? Its hard when I thought Ryan was amazing when i dated him.  Cut deep when he let go.

I never really left. I still read Mindsay a couple of times a week. I just haven't had the desire to write any drivel lately.

Since my last post, life has gotten significantly busier. Work continues in the lab, and the lake is liquid once again, so the high school rowing season is in full force. I'm finding time to row only 5-10 miles a week in the single, which is painfully little, and the water has been miserable. Focus is on establishing a much more Dutch-looking sculling stroke to develop a stronger, horizontal drive and train to row a higher base strokerate this summer.

I'm not avoiding the question; I thought it best to provide some sort of usual/trivial update first.

Audrea is extraordinary. I don't mean that as a compliment, but rather a statement of fact -- more than ordinary. It's a good thing too, because ordinary never impresses me. Given that, extraordinary becomes a compliment. We met at the Sewanee Summer Music Festival in July 2005. Don't bother trying to find Sewanee, TN on a map, but if you ever get the chance to visit in person, you're in for a treat. I ran off to graduate school in the freezing land of New England; she ended up in the opposite direction by a similar distance. Occasional visiting ensued. There was a recent one that changed our situation.

Discussion question: Can a long distance relationship be constructed to be as rewarding as an undistanced one?

Audrea thinks it can. There are the obvious drawbacks, but advantages too, particularly for Ph.D. students. A few weeks ago, I was willing to try it. "Trying" obviously means that we're both trying to prove her right, which already looks fishy to me, but I'll take the bait. Graduate students can do anything, although we sometimes find the interesting rather than straightforward path.

Next visit? July.

Well, it has been a busy week. There is a lot I need to do including a load of reading for my dissertation tomorrow which I have not even started. I've been trying to order my transcripts online from the American university I just completed an exchange at without much success. My printer (new as of September I might add) has decided to stop working on me. I need to print, sign, scan and e mail back a form before they will let me have the privilege of paying $2.50 for my transcript to be (hopefully) faxed to my advisor here. It's not the money that is pissing me off, just the lengthly process which means everything needs to be signed stamped cross checked and filed before anything happens.

 

A little background: I am in my third (technically fourth) year of an American Studies degree at an English university. What is American Studies I hear you ask? Why it is mainly composed of literature history and politics but you can pretty much take it in any direction. You can do classes in cultural studies, film studies, sociology, women's studies, learn Spanish. I chose it because I did not want to limit myself and I wanted to live abroad (year's exchange is a compulsory part of the degree), not just travel as a tourist. *end memorized speel* Now I am working out what I want to do with it. My boyfriend is still out in America and has 2 years left atleast. I want to do a Master's degree preferably in English and Creative Writing, so I am beginning the process of applying to the University I did my exchange at. The long distance thing is tough so I really don't want to have to do it after this year. Another degree is pretty much my only path back there other than getting married which, ultimately yes we are heading in that direction, but neither of us are ready for that yet. I will just be so glad when I don't have to face the American Embassy any more. I can understand security measures, I really can and I have absolutely nothing to hide but I hate filling in all those forms and the process is very intimidating.

 

Like I said, the long distance thing seems almost unbearably tough at times. It is a huge jump to seeing someone you love every single day, waking up next to them each morning all that to just...well, not. We talk on Instant Messenger, exchange e mails, send letters, cards and care packages when we can afford international postage. Occasional phone calls, but neither of us can afford outrageous phone bills. We would use webcams which we both bought with the intention of saving money on phone bills. But I live on campus and the bandwidth is restricted so mine does not work. Yeah, it is really hard, but I would rather go through this than feel nothing. Ultimately we will end up together and we talk about this. It gives hope and strength to both of us. This is the first time I have been in a relationship and been completely open and honest, shown 100% of the real me and it is amazing to be loved for who you really are. I don't want to gush or resort to romance novel cliches but I am so happy. I'll be flying out for new years which I  really cannot wait for. So it is simply a question of getting through this lag time.

 

Another strategy as well as regular contact with him, is distraction tactics. I find it helps to try and take my mind off things rather than just crying in my room, missing him. Yes, I have been there but atleast by throwing myself into my work I am getting stuff done and improving my chances of getting out there for a Master's. In the past couple of weeks, I have been getting over my shyness and reaching out more to people in my kitchen even though we have all been here since the start of October. I guess the real turning point was Halloween. I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed when I just got talking to this girl on my floor and she said to get ready in 5 minutes and come out with a group of them from the kitchen (accomodation is divided around kitchens. I share a large kitchen with about 25 other people with corridors of rooms coming off each side). I ran back to my room, put my contacts back in and pulled on a knee length black skirt, black top and black tights (no costume to hand, best I could do). My standard boots finished me off and I was in the taxi heading into town with about 6 other people. It was fun. We went to a few bars and I was even able to pull off the get to know you small talk that had been so daunting before. Since then, I have been out again to a local club and hung out in the kitchen more rather than dwelling in my room. It does help but at the same time, it is kind of tainted. I wish he could be there to share in my happiness and it does feel awkward at times. I am not single so I don't want to be chatted up or have random guys come up to me and start grinding on me. At the same time, the person I do want to kiss and dance with is not here and it is a bit uncomfortable to see everyone else around me kissing etc. I am not the cheating kind. I am faithful (and expect the same of him). It's just I miss having the love physically there in front of me.

 

I will not let this turn into one big relationship rant. It is a part of my life, a very important part, but it is not all I am. Also under the heading of distraction tactics, I auditioned for a campus production of The Vagina Monologues. This is the first vaguely dramatic thing I have done since GCSE drama. I really hope I get a part as it is a really important cause. Performances around Valentines Day raise money to end violence against women. Regardless I will be supporting this and helping in any way I can. Plus I really want to try acting again. I want to be able to stand up for causes I believe in in public and not be afraid.

 

The final thing I will mention is that as of today, I am exercising more and eating more healthily. I am not on a diet and I don't want to lose weight. I am 5'1" and about 100-110lbs. If anything I want to gain some weight but I just want to feel healthier and have more energy.

 

Ok, this turned out to be an entry of essay length proportions. But a lot has happened in these past few days. I'll try to update more regularly so it won't come to this so often. I should really get on with my work now. Enough procrastination.   

Why is it that people always go on the defence whenever a negative opionion of them, no matter what the intent, is stated? The same thing goes for constructive criticisms.

I called Coral yesturday. She hung up on me without saying a word. I sent her a text message asking her to give me a call so we could have an adult conversation. She called a couple hours later.

Adult conversation? It ended up, despite my efforts, with insults being exchanged.

I started out by saying that I would like to at least clear the air about previous events. I said, idealy, I would like to work it out. Long story short, she broke up with me. I guess this is the best thing for the both of us and I probably would have done it myself eventually.

What, percisly, was said isn't important. I just hate it that every opinion of her I stated that was a bit negagtive but not meant to be insulting, she took as an insult. and she would return it with an insult.

But mainly I felt hurt and used. I felt like she used me as her doormate to wipe the dog shit off her boots.

Why, less then two months ago, would she cry and beg me to get back together with her if she didn't want to have a relationship? How in those two months could she have gone from loving me and even talking about marriage and babies, to breaking up? It makes no fucking sence what so ever. She basically sabotaged the relationship.  

This girl really needs to get her life in order. She has a lot of growing up to do and won't listen to anyone who tries to help her. She has no idea what life is really like. She really has no idea what she is doing with her life, ouside of college. She mocked me for having been talking college courses for as long as I have. She mocked me for not having begun my plumbing aprenticeship yet (even though she knows for a fact that it is because my unlces plumbing company is still not doing as well as we had hoped). I at least have a plan in action. She, on the other hand is in her third year of college and has chnaged her major about five differant time and still doesn't know what she is doing.

I have a feeling that whatever relationship she has after this will fail (assuming she doesn't just go all slutty and fuck every dude who looks at her). I have a feeling that once it does she will be looking back at what we at one point had in a much better light. But this time I will not fall for it I am done with her emotional, inmature bull shit.

Enough of this shit! I am going to go home and watch the Michigan State-Notre Dame game and watch the Irich kick some Spartan ass. Go Irish!

 

Thanks for Reading,

Mark M.

I don't write songs often anymore, but yesterday some things came to me, I wrote them down, and then I finished it today. Everything in it is based off of real memories and things that actually happened, some of which I wrote about while they were happening and some I've written about sometime this week or even yesterday on blackmamba. I'm going to send this to him as well as the other entries I wrote yesterday. Please tell me what you all think. I know no one does anymore, but please. Thank you.

 

"What do you feel when you hear 'I Miss You' by Blink 182?

Do you reminisce and miss our good times like I do?

Have you seen the 'Geeks in Love' flash on Newgrounds.com?

Does it remind you why you once thought I was the one?

Do you see the eucalyptus forest in UCSD and think of me?

And do you still save the snails that roam a little too carefree?

 

Remember those warm April nights in the backseat of the Egg?

Remember caressing the cut that I scratched into my leg?

Remember the tremors you got every time you had to leave me?

Remember how we wanted the fates to just let us be?

Remember after the second time we saw Kill Bill Vol. 2?

Remember how happy you were when I said I wanted to be with you?

 

You're an asshole cuz you're better off without me

You're happy and it makes you a fucking jerk

You're a cunt cuz you don't need me like I do you

You're a bastard cuz god damn it I miss you!

 

Remember how incredible our summer was?

Remember how it was like heaven up above?

Remember all the awesome Vietnamese food you shared with me?

Remember how much I loved those avocado smoothies?

Remember in La Jolla, the two times I visited you?

Remember Sea World, the beach, and the Steinhart Aquarium, too?

 

You're an asshole cuz you're better off without me

You're happy and it makes you a fucking jerk

You're a cunt cuz you don't need me like I do you

You're a bastard cuz god damn it I miss you!

 

Remember all those lies that you started to bring?

Remember going to UC Irvine without saying a god damn thing?

Remember when our love lost its four leaf clover?

Remember how you betrayed my trust over and over?

Remember how much worse it's gotten since you dumped me?

Thank you for throwing me away like our used condoms!

 

You're an asshole for making me fall in love with you

You broke my heart and it makes you a fucking jerk

You're a cunt cuz you dumped me over my being crazy

You're a bastard cuz you added to my PTSD!

 

You added to my PTSD!

 

You're a fucking asshole for making me love you

Then you started to turn into him you god damn fucking jerk!

You're a cunt for giving me these good damn memories

You're a bastard cuz god damn it I miss you!

 

God damn it I miss you!

 

God damn it Nam, I miss you."

 

-"Damn it I Miss You" by me, Jennifer A. Ruiz