Long Blog Entry @ MindSay

This entry is LONG! u have been warned! luckily i'm not writing it until now so my memory has faded a bit n it wont be as long as it would have been if i'd written it Monday morning when i first got home like i wanted to, especially cuz i would have made it just one long huge-ass entry n i'm splitting this into FOUR parts now. (all of which are still long huge-ass entries, but its four seperate entries, not one. So just to re-cap, there is before i took the ecstacy, after it kicked in at the rave, after the rave shut down and we were trying to figure out what to do for the rest of the night, and here's what we did for the rest of the night...

By this point J figured he was good enough to drive. He said a little while ago he hadn't been, but he was good enough to drive now. Kyle and i pretty much spent the whole time in the back talking about whatever we could come up with. He was very talkative and i was in a very social mood, lol. He was really cool. As J began to pull out the car, before Kyle started insisting that we listen to the band Muse, he said, "Oh, and thanx for calling my house, J****." "What?" "Yeah, my mom called. She said u called our house." "I did?" "Yeah, she was like, 'J**** called our house. He was looking for you.' 'We got seperated!' 'I thought you were at his house?'" XD its funny because the only ppl i even remotely considered calling while i was ecstacy were Anna and Stuart, mostly cuz i wanted to tell Stuart that yes i was on ecstacy now, n yes it was great, but he' still a druggy. XD but my attention span wasn't long enough to call n e body seeing as how pretty much every one else i wanted to talk to was there, n i'm also really glad i didn't call n e body. Besides, i got to talk to Kyle now! lol. J and Paula didn't talk that much, mostly cuz i think they were listening to us. Kyle finally got his mind off of listening to Muse when we started talking about how i don't know n e knew bands n e more, n as we left Oakland we passed the rink where the rave had been. The cops were gone and all the lights were on inside. it was so weird to see it now. i was still definately on ecstacy and it made me sad to see it like this, almost like a fallen soldier. I remember when we'd been outside trying to figure out what was going on there were all kinds of rumors as to why it was broken up, but the most consistant one seemed to be that they didn't get the right permits. if that's the actual or only reason, i don't know. i figure J does now, but i don't see the point in asking.

after a while it seemed we were going to Berkeley. We were going to this guy Russ' house. I think Russ was the guy who was with that girl who drove J's car and who took me to find him even tho she didn't know who he was. J kept trying to call Russ and it wasn't working. Then he tried calling Russ' mom, which also didn't work. (when we were in line, someone said that Russ brought his mom n everyone thought that was awesome that she would go, cuz god knows the rest of us wouldn't bring our moms! I met her in the hotel room, too, she was really cool) J would take a little break in between each call, and at one point we saw a car swerving a little on the road in front of us. we decided to pass them, and that's when J realized he was swerving a bit, too. XD originally we hadn't wanted to leave Oakland because we knew there would be a lot of checkpoints. At the time i figured it was because the party had been broken up, only to realize when i was sober, "Oh yeah, it was New Years, there were a lot of drunks on the road." Things seemed safe now, tho, n we didn't see n e cops after the rave was broken up.

J tried calling Russ and his mom again. It didn't work, and finally he called Melody because apparently instead of going back to her house, she went there. He got a hold of Melody n she put Russ' mom on the phone. We tried to pull over somewhere so he could get directions, but things...didn't go as planned. He hung up and the four of us sat in the car. Kyle said he wanted some lights cuz he wanted to go for a walk and once again we all had to talk him out of it. We weren't sitting in the best spot n weren't sure what to do, but J decided he was going to try to get ahold of his friend Elmo, who i met breifly at the thanksgiving rave, and we started driving back towards San Francisco. At some point earlier while we were still in the parking lot, i think before we went to the hotel, Kyle came up w/ the idea of going to the beach. I thought that was funny because when i got really fucked up from getting drunk n stoned at the same time for the first time, (n here's the entry i wrote WHILE i was drunk n stoned at the same time for the first time XD) that was what i wanted to do and i wanted to do it as badly as he did now, lol. The only thing is, when i get drunk i tend to overheat so i didn't care about how cold the beach would be. (not to mention it was a different time of the year.) Now, on ecstacy, i was super sensitive to everything and even tho the beach could be fun, it was cold. and cold was painful. no, no cold. i didn't want n e thing to do w/ the cold. J finally said, "Ok, we can go, but I'm not getting out!" n me n Paula both agreed w/ that. "Its too cold, I don't like the cold," i added.

After some calling around, J finally got a hold of Elmo. he figured that even if we couldn't get into the party they were in, (Ben, Alex Mitra, n all of them had gone to a party @ a place called The Crackhouse in San Francisco n it cost $15, n even tho i had that i didn't think n e one else did n didn't think of it till later to spot them, which i would have offered if i'd thought of it despite whether or not that was a good idea), Elmo still might have a place for us to stay. Kyle kept insisting on the beach and J finally asked, "Ok Kyle, where's the beach?" silence. "Santa Cruz." he was right, there are lots of beaches there. however, that was about two hours from where we were at least. then he came up with another idea- why don't we just park along some beach him n J had been to over the summer n sit there and watch the sun rise. Since we had no other ideas of what to do or where to go, that's what we did. Elmo didn't have a place for us and no one else did, n J said he'd have us over, but he had relatives over so that wasn't a good idea, especiallly cuz me n Kyle were both obviously still on drugs, lol. Paula's high hadn't lasted long, n J was still rollin but he was coming down a lot faster and harder than me n Kyle were. Kyle asked what had happened w/ Russ' house, n pretty much the story goes like this- Russ said we could come, Russ' mom said we could come, J asked her for directions n she told him to call her back. So he tried calling her before we left the parking lot n she didn't answer her phone, so we started driving towards Berkeley, n when he called Melody n she gave the phone to Russ' mom, she said there were too many ppl there n that's why we couldn't go there n e more. oh well. seeing the sun rise should be cool!

Kyle could not stop talking, which seemed to annoy the others, but it gave me something to do, lol. On the way to the Bay Bridge, the bridge that goes from Oakland/Berkeley to San Francisco, Kyle got another idea. "Ok, everybody tell a story!" He pointed at me, "You first!" "ummm..." the very first story that popped into my head was one i couldn't tell and even if J hadn't been in the car, i still wouldn't have told it because that's kind of a weird story to tell ppl. The first thing i thought of was how the first night J n i saw each other, a cop stopped outside our car and questioned us even tho it was obvious what we were doing in there n he may or may not have seen my tits before i could zip up J's sweatshirt, lol. (There's a little more to it than that, but yeah) i stuttered, n then Paula said she had a story. Still being on E, i didn't pay attention to much of it. I just kept looking around and taking in everything that i could. For whatever reason, when i'm intoxicated I enjoy being in cars. The best is when i'm drunk, but its still cool when i'm stoned or rollin apparently. After she told her story Kyle asked me if I had one yet. "Well, its not a story, but when I was little i used to dig in my backyard for dinosaur bones." its true, n i told that story on the way to Santa Clara during spring break, so J had heard this story before, but no one else had. I went on to say that i especially wanted to find Triceratops bones because they're my favorite dinosaur ever and once I found out they were in North America- "You figured they gotta be there some where!" Kyle said. I laughed n said, "Yeah, but of course i never dug deep enough. at the time i didn't understand that, but yeah." "If you did you probably would," he added, n then he told a story. i don't remember what it was about for the same reason I don't remember Paula's. it was something about a girl n at the beginning he mentioned that he's never cheated on a girlfriend, n then tapping on the back of J's seat w/ both hands he added, "And neither has J****" in an affectionate sort of way. It was really funny seeing the way those two interacted with each other throughout the whole night, lol.

When we got to the bridge, J asked if Kyle could give him something n i didn't know what it was. i thought he wanted more drugs, but really he wanted a pill that helped with your seratonin levels and therefore also helped one come down off of ecstacy easier. (that's the chemical in the brain that ecstacy fucks with) When Kyle pulled the pills out I asked about them and what they were. I'm a naturally curious person, but i was even more curious now seeing as how this somehow related to the drug i was now on and if i was going to do this again, i wanted to know as much as i possibly could. Apparently there was the one pill that helped with seratonin levels, (i don't remember what it was called), and a vitamin pill which is the one i'd seen J swallow earlier in the parking lot before we went in the hotel room. After asking about them Kyle asked if I'd had n e and I said no. "Oh, we gotta get you some of these pills!" he handed me the seratonin related one and i looked at it. Not many ppl in my life know this now, but i have a hard time swallowing pills. Even now some mornings i have a hard time swallowing my birth control pills and those things are tiny! i wasn't sure i'd be able to swallow these pills, but i had to try. I had the vitamin pill bottle in my hand for some reason, so i asked if i take one of those, too, n he said yes so i opened it n took one out. I knew that vitamin C helped absorb ecstacy and all that, but i think there were other vitamins in it too. i dunno. Paula hadn't known what those pills were, either, so he gave her one of each and she had to wait for me to take mine. it totally sucked because it took me a really long time to swallow both. the vitamin one i had to bite in half n swallow it that way, but the other one was a capsule and i knew i'd have to swallow it and somehow i did. After that i handed the water/Gatorade over to her n she said, "You take a really long time swallowing pills." Saddly I said, "I know." I REALLY wished she hadn't said something because i do find it to be an embarassing problem, but she didn't know. "I just have a hard time swallowing pills."

As we waited to get thro, i realized i had to pee really badly. no problem, we could just stop somewhere n i said something about it. Then i looked at the time.

3:30am.

Fuck. no place would be open right now for me to pee.

But wait, San Francisco has those public bathrooms around town, so we could just stop at one of those, right? Well, none of them were in convenient places. and i've never had to pee so bad in all of my life. i thought i was gonna die or something, i needed to go so bad. i said something about it again while we were in SF. I felt really bad cuz the three of them were going to have to wait for me to piss. "I'm sorry!" i said, to which Kyle quickly replied, "Don't appologize!" (heh, it just occured to me that he hadn't had his seat belt on since we pulled over on the way to Berkeley n turned back around towards SF, lol) we finally thought we saw one of those places even tho i was about ready to piss in public, n we parked in a little ally. Kyel went to go check it out n see if in fact it was one or not. As it turned out, every one else in the car needed to pee, too, lol. Kyle called us n said that there was a bathroom down there, and we started running. It felt so good to run again. I actually got ahead of J! I felt like i could run faster than i normally could while being on ecstacy. Feeling my body move and the air accross my face....ahh. :)

apparently down that street there was a security guard in front of a hotel n he said there was a bathroom in the little square next to the building. The three of us immediately regretted that Kyle had talked to n e body, but he didn't get us in trouble. We started walking into the dark square n then some car pulled up with another security guard in it and he started yelling at us, telling us that the square was closed. we explained that the hotel guard told us there was a bathroom in there that we could use, n this other guy in the car said those bathrooms were being cleaned n we couldn't go in there. We apologized n started walking back out, n the guy drove off. "Funny that he pulled up right as we walked in there..." J commented. We went back to the hotel guard n he said that their bathrooms were being cleaned, too, but there was a Denny's up the way that would probably let us use their bathroom.

Now, while we were still looking for a place to crash or an after party, Kyle had explicitly said he DID NOT WANT TO GO TO DENNY'S! apparently him n J went to one over the summer while Kyle or both of them were rollin n apparently he was being an ass to the waiter or something like that, lol. the four of us started walking back towards the car, and i ended up standing next to J as we walked. Both of us had our arms crossed to try to keep warm. I was walking really close to the buildings, tho, and some of the buildings had plants outside and i ended up accidentally walking into one of the plant leafs. it hit me right in the face. it was wet! i could feel how the droplets had collected around the edges of the frond of the leaf as it hit my face. I didn't mind wet, i just minded cold, and wet usually let to cold. it was still interesting to feel it smack into and then brush away from my face, but i guess i still made some sort of noise in surprise. J looked at me. "Are you ok?" "Yeah, I'm fine. I just walked into a plant. I walked into a leaf. A leaf hit me in the face." I know its silly, now, but i figured he'd get the full feel of what happened if i told him all three of those statements, lol. I looked up at him briefly. I would have made eye contact, except i was trying not to walk into n e more plants. "Are you ok?" i asked curiously. "Yeah, i'm fine, just a little cold." "Awwww!" I put one arm around him while keeping the other accross my chest and i started rubbing his other arm. "Don't worry, we'll be back in the car, soon!" "We're not driving, we're walking." "Oh." This statement had, however, caught Paula and Kyle's attention. None of us wanted to walk. it was too cold to walk n we wanted to be in the cold as little as possible. As it turned out, J thought the Denny's was closer than it actually was, so it was a good thing that we got him to drive there, lol. I took my arm off of him as we crossed the street to get back to his car.

We found the Denny's n for whatever reason it took the boys a little longer than it did us girls, so me n Paula got to use the bathroom first. The night person there was a really nice elderly lady who'd heard us ask the hostess at Denny's for the bathroom key and she showed us where it was. It felt SO GOOD to finally pee! I also quickly kicked off my converse, slipped off my pants, took off my thong n ditched it in the trash can next to me. it was one of my favorites, but it had gotten messy and i had no where to keep it while i waited until morning to clean it, and it also would have begun to really smell. it was my best choice, and i hope that thong is happy now where ever it is in San Francisco.

I heard Paula say, "Come on," so i put everything back on quickly n went to wash my hands. "We need to meet the boys." The pants i was wearing are extremely big on me n none of my belts fit the extremely small belt loops, so i just use a pretty scarf tied thro them to keep them up. (yeah, its kinda ghetto, but it looks really pretty!) I figured i'd tie it after i washed my hands, and as i did so J called me to see where we were. I told him we were in the bathroom n we had the bathroom key n we'd be out in a sec. we hung up as Paula came back in n said "Come on again," n then we went to meet the boys in the lobby. We weren't sure if it was a different key or the same key for the guys' bathroom, so we asked the night attendant again n after some confusion it came out that the key should work for both n the men's bathroom was down the hall further. The lady then told us that this was her first night. While we waited i asked Paula how she was doing. She said she was ok. "Are you tired?" i asked in that curious, childlike tone. "Yeah. you?" "Not at all." it was true. i was very much so awake n deffinately ready to do n e thing else n e body in the car wanted to do. I didn't want to sleep and i didn't feel like it at all now. I was wide awake n wanted to hang out more! I still felt kinda cuddly, but not like before. i wanted to hug ppl, but not enough or to the point that i actually did it, haha. Kyle came back first again n as J came back he asked the lady, "So this is your first night?" "Well, no, I normally work here, but this is overtime for me. This is my first night working this shift." "Oh, cuz i was gonna say, ur first night on New Years? That's kinda rough!" Seeing that J was back, we said thank you for her help, wished her a happy new year n all that, n me n J gave the key back to the hostess at Denny's. We made it to the door, but Kyle found something he thought was amusing that i don't remember now n felt the need to show it to Paula, n then he came n shared it with me n J when he came back.

Now it was time for the beach. We went back to the main street that goes around all the Piers, (i can't remember what its called now), n even passed the Maritime Museum. I said something about it n Kyle asked what the Maritime Museum was. I told him it was a museum w/ a bunch of old ships n then i went on to tell another story. (i don't think i've ever told it here on mindsay because its never come up.) When i was in 7th grade, there was a middle school in the area that did a special program where u stayed on one of the shits in the Maritime Museum and did ship stuff the whole time. (i didn't get to go into much more detail than that, but bascially u slept on it and had to do work and keep look out, n things like that. now that i'm older i wouldn't mind doing it again, but its a lot of work and very tiring. i can't find n e thing about it on the website, now, so maybe they don't do it n e more? :() "That's really cool," Kyle said. "Yeah, it was really cool. At night when it was completely dark you could see all the lights and everything." it was true. One can't usually see the lights of Ghiradelli Square from that same angle or in full view like that. I'm very lucky that i had that opportunity.

We drove around a bit longer, n then we parked by a little strip of grass that seperated the small parking lot from the waters of the bay. This would be a good place to see the sun rise, especially cuz there weren't that many buildings in the way.

And this is the place that we spent the rest of the night.

or much of the morning, i guess i should say, lol.

It kinda freaked me out cuz if i didn't get home until after my parents woke up, i'd have to tell them i stayed at a friends' house instead n im sure that then they would assume i was drinking and that would suck. However, i'd MUCH rather have them assume that i got drunk n had to stay with a friend instead of knowing that i went to a rave for the second time, did ecstacy for the first time, and spent the bulk of the morning looking out over the waters of the bay in San Francisco in the back of someone's car. Ultimately it didn't worry me that much. Kyle, on the other hand, had bigger problems to deal with.

Apparently Paula was supposed to crash w/ Ben this past week and originally Ben's dad had been ok w/ that, but then Ben's dad changed his mind and now Paula had no where to go. Kyle then offered to let her stay with him cuz he figured his parents would be ok w/ it. From hearing Kyle talk throughout the night, he seems like a very sweet but tough person, the kinda person who'd take care of u n beat the shit out of however fucked w/ his loved ones, lol. His mom, based on his stories, seems much the same way. However, he had to coordinate a story w/ her so it seemed like she was someone he met at J's house cuz he couldn't say he went out n met her at a rave. that was settled by the time we got there, and at first we just kind of sat there. J got up n peed again. he came back Paula looked over at him. "Are you ok?" "Yeah, its just...you know how sometimes when you're drunk you get that feeling like your head is spinning and you can't get it to stop?" uh-oh. Paula asked if he wanted to lay down, so he layed down accross the seats with his head in her lap. i felt slightly jealous again, but it wasn't too bad. i wondered if maybe they had hooked up or maybe he wanted to, but it wasn't something to worry about now. She cracked the window opened so his head could get some air, n she had the water so he could keep drinking. I opened the door to spit out this new piece of gum, which i'd had in since the hotel room, and when I closed the door J was like, "What was that?"

Paula: "The door."

Me: "I spit out my gum."

"But no one left the car?" Me n Paula both said no.

"Ok, good."

I could hear the smile in his voice. ^-^

We sat there for a really long time, talking about whatever. We started talking about books because J n Kyle i guess had decided that they had to read a book after doing ecstacy to keep from getting stupid. I suggested Jurassic Park because i read it recently and i liked it, but i also kinda meant it as a joke. we started talking about the Harry Potter books n how they've gotten longer n longer n longer, n it turns out Kyle hasn't read books five n six either! it made me so happy that i'm not the only one that i almost told him i loved him n hugged him, but i figured that we'd all come down enough that that would be weird now :P then we started talking about movies n some how the X-men movies came up n i said that i haven't seen the second one. (which is true) Paula said it was the best one, n then with a giggle i said, "I told my parents i was seeing it, but i was really getting stoned for the first time." silence. Then Kyle said, "Yeah, i have a lot of stories like that." XD apparently he lies to his parents a lot n isn't very good at it, but it still happens, lol. n apparently Paula was the only one out of the four of us that got a kiss at midnight- n she kissed a girl, lol. maybe next year for me :P

At one point I was talking to Kyle and thro his window i saw a guy get out and look in our direction w/ binoculars. "What is that guy doing?" i asked. "What guy?" "That guy right there!" Kyle turned in time to see him go back to his car and i don't know if Paula saw him at all. I know J didn't because he was still laying down. The guy then turned his car around and parked on the other side of the street. "I'm going to find out what he's doing," Kyle said. We tried to tell him not to, n Kyle said he'd just walk past him, he wouldn't actually talk to him. The guy was leaning his head out the window, still looking thro the binoculars. Kyle got up out of the car and started walking down the street when the man in the SUV pulled up to him. After talking breifly the guy drove off n Kyle came back. We asked Kyle what was going on, and he said the guy was on a stake out. (hours later we got this from Kyle: The man pulled up to him and asked him if there was a problem. Kyle said, "I dunno, you tell me." The man then pulled out his badge n said, "I wasn't watching you guys," and drove off. That was all that was said)

The fact that J was going skiing next week, (now this past week) came up, n we started talking about snow n all of that n Kyle said that one time when he was in the snow it was so cold that he couldn't smell n e thing. i said that had never happened to me, but when we got out of the car to get water, i realized that was happening to me at that moment. (other than this one part in the street that smelt like shit which i'll get to in a little bit)

 After a while i really needed to pee again. i thought about getting up and going outside, but then J said he wanted more water. Kyle thought he had some in the back with him, so he turned on the light to look, and when he didn't see n e, he thought he had some in the trunk. The three of us sat in the car, now, n J started talking really quietly to Paula. she laughed. He said something about her face. I just knew he was telling her something about how pretty she was. "Oh really?" a pause. "The light is hitting your eyes in a very...flattering way." he went on to describe some of her other facial features and her neck. Then she said, "Well, we can fix that," and she reached up and turned off the light! XD i had been slightly jealous hearing him hit on her, but i also thought it was funny and the fact that she turned the light OFF even tho he said it made her look pretty was almost too funny. It was so hard not to laugh, but i did let out a little giggle. Poor guy.

Kyle came back saying that there was no water in the trunk because he must have given it away or we must have drank it all or something, so he said he'd walk up the street. he said there was a store down there, even tho i know that i at least knew he actually had no clue. J said he could drive, n i said i was gonna go too cuz i needed to pee again. After hearing that Kyle wasn't going to go alone he seemed a bit more comfortable with the idea and we said we'd be back soon. I did feel a little uneasy leaving him and Paula alone together, but at the same time even if he wanted to do something, the two of them had no idea when we'd be back so i didn't think n e thing was going to happen between the two of them.

Kyle and i started walking and once again, we pretty much just talked about n e thing that came to mind. All i could feel was cold. i couldn't focus on n e thing else. There was an area in the street that smelt kinda like shit, n at first i thought maybe it was me, but it wasn't. we started talking about alcohol. Not too long before we left, the four of us had started talking about alcohol. Apparently Kyle and J have never blacked out before, but me n Paula have. Its scarey, n i told Kyle that my alcohol tolerance has been weird because I can usually take six shots n be ok, but the last two times i've had six shots it was of Bacardi rum n i blacked out. I noticed around this point that we were walking up a hill because I started panting as i talked. (that's how out of shape i am) I hadn't even noticed before. it was cold, but it just felt good to walk and keep walking. He then asked about what other drugs i've done. i kinda laughed because this was the third time that night someone had asked me about that. Before i even left the house i'd ended up talking to one of Brian's friends online n she asked me n i told her- alcohol, weed, meth twice. When Kim asked me at the rave when i first met her, i told her weed and alcohol. I forgot about the meth twice and the cigarettes three times. "So you haven't done shrooms or anything else?" "No." (i forgot to mention that later she said she recognized me from some huge stoner party in Humboldt and that i was really stoned. "You just sat on the couch and didn't move!" of course i laughed at that, cuz chances are i was really stoned :P at first i thought she was talking about blonde Andrew's little birthday party/get together cuz i remember Charity was there n i did indeed get really stoned n sat on the couch. she could also have been talking about the NORML party, tho, except i didn't just sit on the couch there, i actually got up n moved around a lot)

What Kyle had specifically asked was "What narcotics have you done?" i mentioned pot, to which he said, "Oh, that doesn't count." XD "If marijuana is a narcotic than so is caffeine." "Yep, caffiene is a drug!" he told me his mom gets headaches from withdrawl n i told him how i used to get the shakes when i'd pass by a Starbucks. (n yes, that's true) He then asked, "But you haven't done n e thing else, right?" i hesitated. Normally i don't like telling ppl i've done meth twice because they judge me on that very quickly and i don't like having to explain myself even tho it seems neccessary. However, at this moment, I didn't care what Kyle thought of me and told him that i've done meth twice. "Really?" "yeah." pause. "How is it?" "It's amazing, don't ever do it, it will destroy you." now that i've done ecstacy i can compare the two, and meth easily makes u feel at least 1,000 times more amazing than ecstacy does. I'm not kidding. He asked what it was like and I started telling him how it makes most ppl feel really hyper, but it didn't really for me, but it makes you feel really good and you don't sleep. "And like...ok, u know how much you're talking now?" "Yeah." "Well, I was talking even more than that when I was on meth. It just makes you talk, you can't stop." He said he talks a lot cuz he doesn't like silence and I told him that I talk a lot when I'm drunk and we started talking about that. Somewhere around here i noticed a Comfort Inn accross the street n i told him we should cross. "oh right, cuz u need to pee." we then got back onto the meth conversation as we waited for the light to change and he asked about what else. "Like what?" "Well, how does it destroy you? I mean you're ok." I kinda laughed. That comment made me feel good in a way. I told him that i'd been pressured into it by my ex who was an asshole. He was doing it behind my back and finally I just had to see what was so fucking good that he couldn't keep a promise to me. I told him about how his mom used to whore herself for meth or money to buy it and how sometimes my ex would have to eat w/ my family just to have a meal for the day. (ungrateful little shit) N then i told him that i just got lucky because I had a good support network. I mentioned that Laurel had brought meth with her to Japan and had offered some to me, and it took me a lot to turn it down, but i just had a really great boyfriend at the time, (Nam, who did something really bad a couple weeks later that i don't want to get into now) and a support network to keep me off of it. However, I added, "If I do it again now, I know i won't be able to stop, because I don't have the same kind of support network to keep me off of it."

There was a security guard inside who let us in, and Kyle asked if we could use the bathroom. I went to the desk and the lady behind it handed me a key. She seemed really scared, like she thought we were going to try to rob the place or something. it felt really good to pee again, and this time i had to pee a lot more than i thought. I don't think i've ever peed so much in my life! and when I left, Kyle was sitting on a couch in the lobby waiting for me. I walked over to him after returning the key n he said, "Oh right," n got up n we kept walking. I'd heard him asking her if there was a store around or something as i went into the bathroom, n he said now that she said there was a gas station a couple blocks ahead. Some how now we got onto the topic of death and things like that. he'd also asked at some point in the car before we left if n e one in the car was religious. I said no, Paula said she's an athiest, and J didn't answer. he just layed there trying to feel better some more. a couple times now he'd asked Kyle to be quiet, probably because it hurt his head, and earlier when we'd been driving to Denny's he started talking about something, I wasn't paying attention to what, and J told him to not talk about it because, "its making me not happy." and to us kids still rolling in the back, someone, especially someone we cared about, not being happy, especially when he was rollin, was BAD! now, tho, Kyle's words didn't bother me at all and i liked talking to him, which i think was ultimately good for him, too.

the gas station was two or three blocks further.

I checked the time:

4:40am.

a couple more hours.

and Kyle had said something about how if he saw death coming he would fight it because at least u'd know u tried and i agreed, and then i asked if he watches CSI because he made me think of something i saw on CSI: New York. we talked about CSI a bit n we got to the gas station n the lobby was closed so we had to order the water thro a little place in the window. as soon as the guy left to get two huge bottles of water Kyle said, "That guy is on drugs, too, i know it!" it was so funny because he wasn't quiet about it at all and that guy probably heard him! lol, i hope he was on drugs or he was just really cool n didn't care! lol. we started leaving (n i saw a totally squished bird w/ its guts out n stuff as we walked near the gas station door, which i pointed at after exclaiming, "aw, dude!") n then i told him that on an episode of CSI: New York this girl had gotten in a car accident w/ her friend n her friend died n she ended up in a full body cast and was killed. in a situation like that, u would see death coming, but you wouldn't be able to do n e thing about it. a pause. in almost a whimper, kyle said, "Can we talk about something else now?" it was so funny cuz he'd been acting all tough n shit before. He started walking the wrong way down the street and i told him the car was the other way. He stood there, confused for a bit. "The car is this way, I know it!" he thought about it. "Cuz we walked up a hill, remember?" "Oh yeah!" n then we started walking the right way. we started talking about dinosaurs briefly cuz i said i have them on the brain since reading Jurassic Park and he talked about how he's amazed that his younger brother knew so much about them as a kid n i talked about how i did, too. Somehow we got onto the subject of death again, first about how neither of us like to kill even bugs n such because we feel bad for doing so. I told him that even when I see spiders, which i actually think are really cool, they scare me and i never want ppl to kill them and i never want to kill them. He told me about how his mom used to tell him n his siblings when they were kids to close their eyes so she'd give them candy, but really she'd give them grass or spiders or something. He then started saying something about how he was riding his bike down one of the steep streets of SF n he crashed into the back of an SUV. amazingly enough, he was still alive. He didn't even break n e thing. He started joking about how he was god and then he said something about how he thinks he's going to get shot someday because God probably doesn't like him. "Well he better not do it now, cuz that would freak me the fuck out!" lol, "Oh, you don't care if I get shot, just as long as you're not around when it happens?" lol "No, no!" "That's great, 'Hey God, i want you to shoot my friend, just not while i'm here!'" he called me his friend ^-^ "Yeah, 'God, you've fucked me over a lot. Please don't do it again right now!'" lol, good times.

We walked a little more and it got quiet again. "Fuck, i feel like I'm tweeking right now!" "What do you mean?" "Cuz i'm so wide awake and that's something meth does to you! It makes it so you can't sleep!" I started talking about how it makes u not eat and stuff, too, n then he had to pee so he gave me the water n told me to take it to the car. i was still talking, n i started to turn around. "Don't look!" i laughed n kept walking. "You're still in ear shot!" "Its really hard to walk n talk at the same time." "Then don't talk, just walk!" I walked slowly because I was nervous to be alone in SF at this time, even tho we'd been seeing more n more "normal" people around as time when on, but Kyle quickly caught up to me. we could see the car from where we were, and it took us about 30 seconds to walk to it. we saw a group of four ppl walk by the car, two of which were small asian ppl n Kyle called them pod ppl, lol. (if u'd seen what they were wearing, u'd understand. they were like huge snow jackets)

We got back in the car and J and Paula weren't doing n e thing. The first thing she said was, "You guys were gone a REALLY long time." had we been? it didn't seem that long to me, but i was also still on E. "That's cuz we had to go seven or eight blocks." "Really? I thought it was more like five or six." "I dunno, cuz that lady said the gas station was another two or three blocks from the hotel." w/e, it didn't matter. "And she takes a long time to pee!" "I do not!" "Then you had a lot to pee!" "I did have a lot to pee!" lol. J had been apparently talking to Paula abou this career choice. he's a biology major and wants to become a doctor. i knew this already. (i don't know what kind of doctor) apparently in some class he had long ago he got to disect a partially developed chik embryo, which Kyle and i were horrified to hear considering that we'd just talked about how neither of us even like to kill bugs. (even tho he did shoot a bird w/ a BB gun once) "YOU KILLED IT?!" J kinda laughed n ignored him. i started talking about science classes w/ Kyle n how the one bio class has you collect and breed fruit flies and i could never be in that class because if they've already bred by the time u get to them, then u have to kill them. i went on to talk about how if chemistry wasn't involved i'd be a biology major cuz i like biology, but i hate chemistry. I also mentioned that i was offered a job as a tutor for that class next semester even tho i don't have n e experience. "Well don't tell them that!" lol, too late, i thought, but i didn't say n e thing.

We sat there for a while longer, and then finally Kyle said, "Hey J****, can u check your phone and see what time u called me so i can better coordinate my story?" he gave a little laugh, "yeah, sure." J sat up n looked at his phone. "11:50...oh i remember that now! I was like, 'Kyle? Kyle! You gotta come out here, I gotta talk to you about something!'" "She told me u wanted me to go look at fireworks outside." "Oh, no, I didn't say that." I guess after J had seen me outside, Kyle went and talked to him a little bit, but they didn't say what specifically about. J said he did feel a lot better after talking, tho, n then he asked Paula if he could lay down again n she said yes. I think that by this point Kyle had taken off Mark's jacket that he let me borrow again. I don't remember when i offered to let him use it, but he'd said something about it being my jacket and I said that it was Mark's. Then he said he couldn't wear it cuz he'd just paid Mark back n he hated owing ppl (n we briefly talked about how we both hate owing ppl money) n i then asked J if the white sweatshirt he had on was Mark's, too, n he said yes. "See?" that made Kyle feel better, n then he wore it. J now layed down again, n we got back to talking about random crap, much of which were stories from when they went to Hawii on their 8th grade trip n how we'd agreed not to talk about n e more death n that he had to tell me to shut up, even tho he didn't, n he said that he made talking about death cool n i made it depressing. i thought it was funny. it seemed he got a bit of a taste of his own medicine, lol. right now i just felt good being here n i didn't care what they thought of me. i realize now that i'd been following J's advice for the last few hours- "just be yourself." J also went thro his ecstacy history again for us, and this is when it became clear what three weekends he was talking about. (and i think the chik he was dating in July is Amanda, but i dunno) apparently his first two experiences w/ ecstacy weren't very good ones, either, especially since his second time it was a very speed heavy tab. :( someone also said something, i don't remember what, and i giggled. "That was a cute giggle." Paula said, n i had to fight giggled again and i curled up on the seat and hit my head behind my hands. Kyle then added that i remind him of Melody. "Really?" "You even sound like her, too." "Do I?" "Or at least when i first met her." lol

Eventually J sat back up again, relaxing back in his seat. it was almost 6:30am. the sun should be coming up soon. "J****?" "Yes Kyle?" "What are you thinking about?" I giggled. I giggled a lot in that car, but its all good. it just sounded very gay, lol. (i don't mean that in a derogatory way! u guys know i don't say that on here!) we got onto the subject about how raves are just a dream world. they talked about how you meet so many ppl, but they're so different outside the rave scene which is something Stuart had told me many times. They're your friends during the rave, and even that night I knew that neither Charity nor Kim would probably want to hang out with me once we were back in Arcata, but that was ok w/ me. I shared an amazing night and an amazing experience with them. And, if i needed them to and they were around, they'd probably watch my back while i was intoxicated again and i know that i would watch theirs. But the people you meet are part of the ecstacy high and this was something I was prepared for. In a few hours everything would be back to normal. I wouldn't be a friend n e more, just a friendly stranger, and that was fine with me as long as i still had these few hours to remember, as long as I still could look back on this and know that for this one night that the four of us sat here looking out over the waters of the San Francisco Bay, i felt like I had real friends here again.

Kyle kept asking Paula things she wanted to do over the next week. i think she may be coming w/ us tomorrow, but i don't know. Kyle took off his wristband. I thought about taking off mine, but i wanted to keep it on as long as possible to better remember this night. Kyle had some glow bracelettes that he started playing with n J, who was now curled up in his own seat, asked if i wanted n e lights to play with. I giggled again, remembering how i just had to have lights to play with at the thanksgiving rave or he wasn't happy, and said, "No, that's ok." when we'd gotten back in the car he asked if n e one was hungry, n i had been, but at the same time i didn't want to actually eat, so when he offered Reese's Pieces and Gold Fish crackers that he had in the trunk, I turned those down, too. By now J was obviously tired and so was Paula. She actually fell asleep once J curled up in his own seat. Kyle had started showing me a bunch of the pictures he had on his phone and before we left he took another one of the sunrise over the bay. He said he liked taking pictures, something i used to love to do, but not so much n e more. His backyard is amazing, but such is live in Los Gatos, CA. Another picture came up. "And this is J****". He was laying/sitting on a bed. I could tell it was taken recently by his hair.

Another picture came up. "And this is J**** last weekend i think." he was on the beach standing by a bon fire and between him n the fire sat his now ex-grilfriend. another small pang of jealousy, but now they weren't together, n she'd done something to make him thing it was neccessary to end their relationship, despite how much he obviously didn't want to. After going thro the pictures, Kyle asked if J wanted to go home n he said yes. J woke up Paula and told her we were leaving. i don't remember why, but some how it was decided that Paula should sit in the back and J should sit in the front, (altho he ALMOST came in the back with me n he would have if he hadn't woken Paula up. i'd been looking forward to that so he could lay down with his head in my lap. :P) and Kyle was going to drive. both me n him were wide awake n on the way back J had asked me something about where to turn once we got to my house, n Kyle pointed out that wasn't for a while. J said he wanted to make sure i didn't fall asleep n i told him, "Oh, I'm not falling asleep for a while!" i wasn't n i knew it. now i wanted to sleep but i knew i couldn't. something else that meth does to you. its like you're tired, but you're not. you're mind wont let you rest. your eyes hurt, but you're still so alert and aware. J had started talking about some other drug earlier when he told Kyle he was glad he didn't give him n e more money to do that other drug n that he figured that he's done w/ drugs for a while now after the experience he had with them tonight. (which made me kinda sad, cuz i like him on ecstacy because he actually talks to me, lol) from there we talked about some other drug that's supposed to make u focus on shit n i mentioned that meth does that, too.

As everyone changed seats, i looked out the window. I could see the sunrise. We'd made it. and as we passed the gas station where me n Kyle bought the water, i told them that was where we went. "wow" was pretty much the reaction from both J n Paula. I hadn't realized or cared how far it was before.

It was silent. Kyle had said earlier that he talked so much because he hated silence n he said, "Ok, somebody talk." i thought. hmmm, what about? luckily i didn't have to come up with n e thing. Paula fell asleep and started snoring. She'd made a joke about not snoring when she'd been asleep earlier, so Kyle had be put his phone by her face so i could record her snoring. Both times it didn't really work, but what was funny was as i put the phone closer to her she got quieter XD

it was day light now. Kyle slapped himself accross the face to help him stay awake and i giggled again. J had dozed off n he thought Kyle had hit him at first, lol! XD!! i stood up for Kyle n said that he did in fact hit himself, but J still wasn't convinced. Now he thought that maybe Kyle had slapped a hand in front of his face to wake him up, but that wasn't the case either. It was quiet again. Jimmy Eat World came on n we both sang along quietly not to wake Paula up n i also did it quietly cuz i didn't wanna wake J up if he fell asleep. I got an awesome idea. J was curled up in the passanger seat in front of me, now, the place where he's rocked my world so many nights before, and I leaned forward and whispered, "Let's listen to Muse!" he went thro his iPod n that's what we listened to on the rest of the way home. for a moment i thought all four of us were gonna go to his place cuz he'd asked if i was good to go home @ n e time n i'd said yes, even tho that technically wasn't true. bitter sweetly, tho, they dropped me off. Kyle tried to have me take a picture of Paula because she was sleeping w/ her mouth open, but the car bounced right as i took the picture. (I SWEAR it!) J told me to reposition her head, but shortly after i gave Kyle his phone back J opened the window. The shocking rush of cold air snapped her awake n she said, "Hey!" J closed his window n Kyle said, "You were snoring pretty loud."

no response.

I looked over at her. She was already back to sleep, lol. :P

I looked at J curled up in the passanger seat in front of me trying to sleep. he was using the jacket Mark gave me as a blanket/pillow. This is when i realized that the jacket was brown and not black.

"This jacket is brown?"

"yeah."

lol

I almost fucked up directions back to my house again, but now i could use my sleep-deprived drugged state a an excuse XD We reached my house n i wasn't sure if J was gonna get out of the car n hug me like he usually does. i figured he wasn't going to because he was really tired and he was coming off of the E really hard. I gave Paula n Kyle hugs n we did the "Nice to meet you" thing, n then I reached around the seat in front of me to hug J. I whispered, "Are you ok?" "Yeah." "K. I'm really glad you didn't do n e thing else, too." "Thank you." "I was really worried about you, too." "Thank you."

As i left the car he asked if i was for sure leaving with him on the 7th n i said yes. I then said bye, (after being teased a little more for screwing up the picture of Paula sleeping :P) n i walked to my house, unlocked the door, and went inside. I walked quietly to my room and changed quickly into some sweats so that if one of my parents got up they'd think i was just getting up in the morning to use the bathroom and I peed. I'd been holding it this time since Kyle n i got back n the car, which was about shortly after 5:00am.

I went back in my room. it was 7:30am when i got to the house. I thought about turning on the internet and typing all of this up, typing about everything because it was still fresh in my mind, but for those of you that have been keeping up with this, u can see even now almost a week later i still remember a lot of little details.

After some thought, I decided to lay down and try to get some sleep.

And no, my parents weren't awake.

And by about 8:30am I think, my mind naturally altered its state of consciousness, and my New Years Eve was over.

Happy 2007 indeed.

For reference, here is a map of this area that includes all of the cities i have mentioned in these four entries. I'm not sure how much of you have been paying that much attention, but this might help:

Red Star = Oakland (i don't know why its not on this map, its actually a bigger city than Berkeley)

Purple dots/underlined city names = the various cities I mentioned in these entries (even Santa Cruz :P)

Bright green line w/ arrow = Bay Bridge (the bridge we took from Oakland to San Francisco)

Red line w/ arrow = Goldent Gate Bridge (for all u tourists out there :P)

HIIIIIII everybody!!! I forgot the last time I sent out a blog, so here you go!!!! BLOG, BLOG, BLOG, BLOG, BLOG, BLOG!!!!! ^_^ Marcos, if you are reading this, I am sooo soooo sorry!!! Due to terrible, well, not SO terrible, more like inconviniences(sp), many inconviniences(sp), like bieng out of town, out of state, family taking up the computer, stuid stuff like that, I have not been on in a long while. But, Marcos, if you haven't gotten the messages I've sent on your cell through AIM, I want to give you my cellnumber as a Christmas present. So AIM me ASAP!!!!!!! We haven't talked for a long while!!!! ^_^