Lonely @ MindSay

Just tried to act like I had a high spirit today.

It was not easy. I had to forget about all my problems.

I think the other people really believe I'm fine.

I am not.

Already one little thought about him, about us,

brings me to tears.

And I have to think about it so often.

It hurts. It really does.

 

The thought of him dating another girl kills me.

Although it was my decision to quit the relationship.

I do not know why it hurts so much,

why I cannot stand those terrible thoughts...

 

For some reason I couldn't go on with him

but without him, nothing got better.

 

It is terrible to know that I have left someone great.

Someone lovely, beautiful, faithful, intelligent.

Someone, I probably will never find again.

And Someone, of whom I never would have thought

that he might could be interesteted in me.

 

And nevertheless, I had to leave him and something

tells me that it has to be like that.

I hate it.

I was happy with him.

I'd like to be happy again, with him, he was my angel.

 

I cannot stand the thought of him, caring for someone new.

I mean, I don't know what happens with me.

But he was with me. And we did all the nice little things together.

And now?

I am lonely.

I begins to hurt really, I mean, even physically.

 

But when my decision was right,

WHY??? DAMN, WHY? am I so unhappy?

Why do I think of him so often and why does it hurt

to think of him and another girl?

 

In 3 days I will be 18 years old.

I hate it. Some people asked if I would have a party.

 

A Party??? Why should I have a party?

Celebrating that this miserie now lasts for 18 years?

Celebrate that I make people unhappy, make myself unhappy?

 

I don't have the impression that I am a usual youth.

Why seem the people around me just to get along with their lifes?

Sure, they also have problems, but they can handle them.

They don't tortuere themselfs so much, I don't know how they do it.

 

My head always is full of thoguhts, sorrows, fear.

It was always like that.

No matter how the situation is, I am afraid.

Afraid of beeing left alone. Of making mistakes.

Afraid of the whole world, most of all probably of myself.

 

My< parents tell me its not easy to handle me.

It often would not be fine to be wiht me.

It hurts hearing them saying things like that.

 

I know I am terribly complicated,

but this makes my impression stronger that,

I am a little unsociable bad girl, that on the

other hand has got high requirements, absolutely detached ones really.

Or why the hell had I to leave my wonderful boyfriend?

Do I still want more? MORE THAN THAT?

I hate myself.

 

I am a fucked up person, and want people around me

to be perfect or even more than that?

What is going on with me???

What is going WRONG might be the right question.

 

If I had at least one wish, I want god to make this go away.

I want him to make me able to apreaciate things I have and

persons in my life.

And although it's might egoistic, I want to stop the fact that

I am so often so extremely desperate and unhappy.

But how?

I don't know.

 

My biggest wish would really be, to be happy again,

to get the chance to apreciate it this time.

I was thankful a few times when I was really happy,

But there are always these fears and sorrows,

that avoided that these moments could last.

 

I hurt a lot of people in the past, and I still do.

I want to be happy again to let people take part in it.

To make people happy. To let them know that they're great,

to let them know I love them.

 

I want to love again.

It feels so cold without love.

Love is missing.

Want it to come back.

 

If there's a god, I would like to ask him,

if he might help me.

 

I know that there also have to be bad times.

You learn from them and you get stronger.

But there were too many of them in my life.

For real, there was only one good, and it seems

to be over right now.

 

I want to thank for this time.

But I always want to ask for some strength.

I am not strong at all.

I am probably the weakest person in the world.

 

I like to be strong.

Want to make people happy who deserve it, instead of hurting them.

 

Help me, god.

 

Love

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe I have nothing to give. Nothing to offer other people. Nothing to bring to the world. I just wish something, someone, somewhere would contact me. Without me asking, without me making the first reach. What is so wrong with me that makes no one want me around? I ask them but they say there isn't anything. There has to be. They just don't want to hurt me. Well you know it hurts more when you lie. I'm sick of people. I'm tired of myself. I mess things up and I can't do anything right.

No one cares that I'm alone. No one calls me. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm happy being myself, not conforming just to make friends. But I just wish someone would appreciate it. I want someone to appreciate me. Someone to want me around. Someone to call me just to talk. Without me asking. Without me begging. without me saying a thing. I've asked enough. I've pretty much begged my "friends" to call me sometimes. They don't. They don't want to. If they wanted to, if they cared enough, they would. But they don't.

I feel unimportant. Useless. Incompetent. Unwanted. Un-cared about. Expendable. Like I could just be cut out and no one would notice. All would remain as it was, untouched.

it's been a while since i've blogged

 

 i was too busy being happy and stuff.

 

but now, well, more like a month ago, spencer left me.

 

yep. so i'm single... again.

 

but i'm doing something different. i'm staying this way, at least for a while.

 

 

usually i'm all lonely and rebound. but this time, i'm gonna  have some time just for me. i need and deserve it.

 

 

so ya, the only thing that really sucks about this whole  ' single ' thing,

 

is the fact that he broke up with me because he didnt love me. so that hurts.

 

a lot.

 

but i'm moving on. i figure he dosnt deserve my time being sad about him. whatever.

 

if he dosnt love and adore me than thats his own stupid mistake. whatever.

 

 

 

yep. i feel strangely confident.

I need connection. There's been this thing that's been a major reason to why I'm upset. Now I know what it is. I haven't had a real meaningful conversation with anyone in a very long time. I don't relate and can't connect to anyone. I am alone. I knew I felt alone and lonely, but there's more to it than that. I am completely disconnected. 

Dark nights

No lights

Sitting here,

with you in sight.

Wet sand,

streaming through my hand

while the waves of salty Ocean

wrap around my wrists as bands.

I look at you, the essence of Greek lore

as ripples run through my core.

I have finally realized, after all these years,

I am lonely no more.