Lonely @ MindSay

Well Sam,

a year ago today the world lost an amazing person.  It's hard for me to believe that it's been 3 summers since you and I met and worked together.  It was only that one summer you were in my life, but what it lacked in length, it made up for in volume.  Working so closely with you was amazing; I was the newbie, the weird New York girl who didn't know a soul and was pawned off on you to tame the rowdy CITs, and instead of leaving me out and only talking to your close friends, you welcomed me in with your warm smile and those beautiful blue eyes and helped me have a great summer in this new setting.  I've worked there for 4 summers now, and none have compared to the one you and I spent together.  They've all been missing something, and I know for a fact a large part of it is you.

I can't believe how many times you've been with me since you've departed the Earth, Sammy.  How did I get so blessed to still get to feel you near me, when I knew you for such a short period of time and other people (like your sister, or high school friends) had you for as many as 18 years? There wasn't a single day the last 12 months that you weren't on my mind, and so many instances that I could feel you around me, so near like we were sweeping the pavement side-by-side and I could see your pitstains :), that tears would well in my eyes when I realized you weren't.

-- Every time I see someone diving off the board at the pool, I don't see them, I see you.  I see your energy and your SCHS tat and I see the feeling I used to get watching you in your element.  Even the bad dives and jumps and flops make me smile in your memory, Superman.  Always incredible.
-- Or when I see someone balancing something on their hand, I think of your ridiculous skill in this area, and your even more ridiculous lie about being an ex-circus performer.  'Til the end of my days, I promise not to forget your tricks for how to balance "anything".
-- Suffices to say, I can't listen to most country music without thinking of you.  The radio plays an awful lot of Dierks Bentley and Kenny Chesney and Garth Brooks, and I know you have something to do with it, Mr. Sly.  When those songs come on, I close my eyes (unless I'm behind the wheel), and I envision you sitting in the seat on the bus on the way to the D.A.R. for our lake day.  Absolutely blissful.  Of course, Anna Molly by Incubus will always make me think of you, too.  I promise you that.
-- I still HATE Napoleon Dynamite, but I also still quote certain bits of it, like "Do the chickens have large talons?!?" and, "You got like THREE feet of air that time".  Just for you.  Your impressions were dead-on, much better than mine, but I'm doing the best I can.
-- River rafting will always make me think of you.  And your crazy shoe collection!  "These are my river shoes...these are my hiking shoes ... these are my golfing shoes...".  NERD.  I STILL just have one pair of general sneakers that I use for everything, thank you very much...but I miss getting to compare them with you nonetheless.
-- Taking hikes in the woods makes me think of you, my little forester.  I miss you stopping walking on the trails and letting the kids go ahead while I brought up the rear so you could show me different plants I could eat; I would love some wild cucumbers if you get a chance, Sam.  They were delicious.  I'll be on the lookout for Jewelweed, and I forgive you for letting me walk through that patch of poision ivy and then jogging up to me to say, "hey Emily, that was poison ivy youjust went through".  Still think you could have stopped me before it happened, but... big picture.
-- I went for a walk with my co-teacher and aide and student in June, Sam, and she took us through 'The Purple Forest', so of course, I thought of you, and actually cried quietly on the trail as we walked along.  If I give in, if I pretend the trees look slightly purple and end that ridiculous argument, will you come back to us? 

**If you just sat through reading me type through my tears, you're brave.  But now you also owe me.  You have to go to at least one person who means this much to you as he did to me...and tell them.  Before it's too late.  Because I can write this as much as I want, and mean it as much as I do, but he's still gone.  Unless there really is a listening section in Heaven, he'll never know.  And I hate it.

                                                                                                            June 2, 2009

                 The fact that I just dated this entry ‘April 2’ and then didn’t see why that was wrong shows just how much I DON’T believe it is now June.  What?  Where did this year go?  Unbelievable.

                I went on a field trip today.  Not on purpose; totally unexpected, actually.  The 5^th graders are currently all (minus E) on a bus coming back from the Bronx Zoo, and I almost got to go with them, but then there were no seats.  Mega-bummed.  But I read the daily this morning, and saw that the 6^th grade had this thing called, “Project Safeguard”.  So I went to Larry, the 6th grade teacher,  to clarify what that meant, if they went to the MS or if the MS came to them, and what time they were going, because I work with 2 6^th graders in the PM.  He tells me that it’s an all day trip, leaving at 9 (5 minutes from the conversation), and oh yeah, A is supposed to be going, too.  He’s registered and everything.  NO ONE TELLS US ANYTHING. 

                Not a terrible day.  He did pretty well at breakfast and with the half-hour keynote speaker, though we needed to go on a 5-7 minute walk.  I was okay with that.  NOT okay with him pulling gum out from under the table and playing with it/attempting to eat it, OR the fact that I had to hold someone else’s chewed gum in my hand to keep him from doing so.  BLECH.  What a strange part of the job that was.  Then we went to cooperative activities in the gym.

                Liz the lifeguard was one of the women running it.  For a change, she was nice to me.  Maybe now that she’s seen me as a ‘grownup’ and not a counselor at camp, she likes me?  Who knows.  Either way, A did a good job except for a few minutes when he was ‘too hot’ and the like.  I got him back up, and overall, he had some fun. The issue came when we went to our second workshop, Aikido martial arts.  WHO SIGNED HIM UP FOR MARTIAL ARTS?!?!  WTF!?!?  This is a big boy, who has no patience, supremely under-developed fine AND gross motor skills… someone set him up for failure.  We didn’t even make it through the stretches.  He kept SCREAMING out in pain, begging for the torture to stop, gave up, laying on the grass… and meanwhile, non-BSE 6^th graders were there, and they didn’t know him or what to expect or what to do, so they either stared, gave dirty looks, or snickered.  I’m so nervous for him to be there next year; those kids, and the older ones…are going to eat him alive.  Awful.  It actually makes me sick thinking about it.  Why do we have to make a huge deal out of people’s weirdnesses?  Why do they matter?  Why do we think it’s okay to laugh at someone in that way?

                After we left martial arts, we ran into Dot, the amazing woman who schedules pretty much every program throughout the district, and she told us about this Math Mania place we could go because it wasn’t populated.  He did pretty well there, playing some logic game and trying to build a tower out of marshmallows and toothpicks.  Lunch went okay; some more looks from those who do not know A as well as the rest of us, but overall, not so bad.  I got to see Kyle P, Sam O, Sklyar (who is HUGE now; holy cow, he might be 7 feet tall, easily 6'5!), and some others who I know.    On our way to his last thing after lunch, which Skylar was helping to lead (it was a Q&A session), I ran into Ben Chase’s long-haired friend I met a few weeks ago.  Forgot his name, but while A was in the bathroom, he provided acceptable conversation.    Then A’s meeting proved to be too boring, so we left the room (twice!) and I found Dot to tell her we were probably going to call Parker to come get us, but she said no and got Robin P to take us instead.  Rest of day was eh; he had a tantrum against SS, and E had a little bit of an attitude, but overall, good afternoon.  Then on my walk home at 3:50, I got accosted by D!  We talked for a good 20 minutes, and it was really nice; I love him.  I hope he’s back soon, even if it isn’t this week like he wants. 

               

             On my walk to work today, I saw Zoom (Tenzin).  I usually see her waiting for her bus, but today we were in town at the same time, so we walked and talked a bit, and I didn’t like her a few summers ago, but she’s grown up quite a bit, and I enjoyed our talk together.  Then during my walk with A around the building, we found the trophy case and the plaques of talent passed.  And there they were; 3 or 4 little silver markings with Sam’s name on them.  That was hard; seeing his name, knowing I was in his old school, knowing that the locker A was fidgeting with might have once upon a time been home to his books.  Lord, unfair how much I miss you, Sammy.  I really do feel and see you all around me.

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My mam is such a dozy fucking twat.
I asked her to cut my fringe this morning.
I told her NOT to cut it above my eyebrows. So what does she fucking do?

Shelly comforted me, saying that at the rate my fringe grows, it shouldn't take very long for it to go back to normal.
I'm glad I'm not in college for a few weeks - it's not the fact it's slightly crooked, I can cope with that - it's the fact there's my forehead exposed.
The whole reason I have a fringe is to hide my eyebrows and my forehead.

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I feel so shit today.
Today is the first Saturday in quite a while that I've been alone all day.
Why the fuck would it have bothered mam letting Ash and Shelly come today?
SHE WASN'T EVEN IN.

If she has such a vendetta against Shelly - then even just Ashleigh?
I hate being alone.

Well - I like being alone, if the choice is to be with arseholes or to be alone.
I like spending time with people I like - or if I can't spend time with people I like, only people who I dislike, or who are total arsewipes - then I'll gladly spend time alone.

If the choice was to spend an hour with Emily or spend three months alone without contacting a single person - there's no question, I'd become a recluse. :)

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I got the urge to start playing World Tour again today.
I haven't played Guitar Hero in 3 weeks - and SOMEHOW... I've improved!

NOT playing it has made me better!
LMFAO.

When I grew tired of racking up some sexy scores on my bass Quickplay, I decided to continue my save on Harvest Moon: Back To Nature.

I was saved halfway through Fall - with 35%.
I had 10 chickens and the first house upgrade.
I managed to raise about 50,000G for my Winter plans.

I played halfway through Winter - upgrading my barn, my house, three of my tools and buying my first cow and first sheep.
I named the cow Shelly and the sheep Ashleigh. :)

I am one who wants time by herself
Yet now that I have the gift
I feel that I am on the shelf
After services I've missed
To say the least, in retrospect
I'm not angry but sure am pissed.
I know you are smiling at such a jibe as this
And it's truly said in jest
But I'm lonely, pouting, sighing, going down the list
Of emotions that I feel when I have to just stay put
And why into this mouth of mine
I'm inserting my foot!

But all will be well and all works for my good
There's a whole sixty six books to read
Although not all are understood
My lover wrote a letter of how he loved me so
And I guess I'll get to reading
Cause it's not just here for show
And then I'll talk to him, he's always on the line
Talking of his love to me
Tells me every time
Then I will be uplifted and discouragement will flee
And joy will well up in my heart
Because He's set me free.

:) Bonnie