Loneliness @ MindSay 
love
Things I know to be true.
- Somehow, in the end, everything will work out. It might not be the way you wanted or expected, but it will work out.
- I am absolutely head-over-heels, cheesy-chick-flick-moments in love with Nick Fisher.
- He, at least to some extent, feels the same.
- It's small, seemingly meaningless things he does that tell me that.
- Even a long, crappy shift at K-Mart can't ruin a good night and morning with Nick.
- Iced tea cures migraines.
- Showers cure stinkiness.
- Cats cure loneliness.
- Clean rooms are much more pleasant to be in.
- Dinner with my mom makes both of us happier.
- Nick cures coldness.
- And sadness.
- And is known to cause severe outbreaks of smiles and giggles.
- Annabelle is both the sweetest and most annoying little shitstain in the world.
- I am done hanging out with Fetske. For good.
- Blogging makes the world a little more understandable.
loneliness
Bah... fuck it
I don't understand it - it's not even logical, so there's no point letting it affect me! :) I'm almost friken' immune to it by now, or at least I was when I had more pressing concerns (college stress and fear of job loss back in the day)
Can't deny it's there sometimes or just make it go away but having a nap's good
And at least I never get it at work, and now I got accepted for this new thing (yay!) mebbe I'll be around more human activity
Also it's curious why it fires more strongly at night - maybe just less human activity at night? - or at least in part
Also I never used to be lonely when Jessie was around (my old cat) - we were so close :) - it's when she died I had to learn to live w/o, and I was living away at college at the time too - but tat's the past lol - And I'm a survivor! I've proven myself to myself :D
I don't understand it - it's not even logical, so there's no point letting it affect me! :) I'm almost friken' immune to it by now, or at least I was when I had more pressing concerns (college stress and fear of job loss back in the day)
Can't deny it's there sometimes or just make it go away but having a nap's good
And at least I never get it at work, and now I got accepted for this new thing (yay!) mebbe I'll be around more human activity
Also it's curious why it fires more strongly at night - maybe just less human activity at night? - or at least in part
Also I never used to be lonely when Jessie was around (my old cat) - we were so close :) - it's when she died I had to learn to live w/o, and I was living away at college at the time too - but tat's the past lol - And I'm a survivor! I've proven myself to myself :D
Reading and Talking
I am reading two books at once to get a better perspective on two queens from popular history: Elizabeth I and Mary Queen of Scots. The books are Elizabeth & Mary: Cousins, Rivals, Queens by Jane Dunn and Mary Queen of Scotland & The Isles: A Novel by Margaret George. Now, you may not know it unless you are a close friend of mine, so I'll tell it to you straight; I have a huge appetite for history but I do not read very well and can't memorize passages, let alone dates, well enough to save my life during a history exam! I'm dyslexic and it takes me a long time to finish any book, let alone two! So I'm really challenging myself by attempting to devour these two very large volumes. What makes the reading worthwhile is Elizabeth and Mary fascinate me. How am I reading these two books at once? Well, I started with Margaret George's fictional account of Mary first, then I refer back to Jane Dunn's book for reference to get all the true-to-life historical notes. Out of the two books, I have to say that I find Dunn's writing much easier to digest and remember. She writes history as if it were an action/adventure novel. I find Margaret George's writing to be very sentimental, which, now that I think of it, reminds me of the heart and soul of Mary Queen of Scots. Altogether, it is not light reading. I have to stop and take breaks to really let the images I see from the words take hold and not overwhelm me.
The last historical read I loved was Monsieur d'Eon Is a Woman: A Tale of Political Intrigue and Sexual Masquerade by Gary Kates. It was one of those stories I feel has long been neglected and needs to be a film. Forget the anime version of d'Eon, the true story is far more interesting and emotionally involving. I really grew to love d'Eon so much during the reading of this book, that I now have a print of him hanging in my bedroom. Looking at him -- be he as her or not -- is like looking back at an old friend. I think this is why I love to read history, especially if it's written well. It's the only way to "meet" and get to know personalities from the past in a way you never can with real people outside of a book. For example, you can meet someone and never really know who they are on the inside, nor know all the details of their lives from birth to death, even after you "know" them for years. Did I explain that right without sounding too weird? I think you get my point.
It's like I only know my friends during certain times of their own personal history. Unless I read them in a blog or out of a book, I have no idea what is going on inside them. And, now that I think about it, I can't really know a person from history either, except through the interpretation of a good historian who also happens to be a great storyteller.
I have a tendency to regard both historical and fictional characters like I do friends. I tend to feel a bit heartbroken at the end of their stories, so I have to choose my books carefully. Any book that is over a thousand pages long means that I will have as much time as possible with a "friend".
It's no big wonder I regard the people in my books like old friends, especially since I really do live a lonely existence. Especially lately.
This weekend was hard to be alone. Sure, I have Mr. Snuggles to distract me, but as the weather turns cooler and I start to get cravings for hot cocoa and chai, I miss sitting with actual living people and discussing things I've read and how I feel. I miss hearing about how other people are doing. I then begin to realize I have to change my lifestyle soon so that I can engage in real conversations with people. I'm getting tired talking to myself. And, as much as I love blogging, it can't really take the place of one-on-one, face-to-face conversations.
So to fill the silence, I've been painting and drawing like mad. In between books, playing with Mr. Snuggles, and creating, I watch re-runs of old television shows, too. My sleeping pattern is off again. I ended up waking up very early in the morning only to hear the telephone ring. Now, I don't know about you, but my phone rarely rings, if it weren't for ordering food or calling family, I wouldn't even need the damn thing. I ran to answer it and delightfully discover that my old friend, Rachael Strange, was on the other line. But it wasn't a pleasant call. She's going through a hard time. I wished I could've made her feel better and I hope that just talking to me worked for her. In any case, I feel honored whenever a friend calls to tell me about their problems. Sometimes it's the only way I get to hug them!
And there's something to be said about being someone another person can count on during times of distress. If someone else can't be my rock, then I will be their lucky "make me feel better" stone.
Rub me like a Buddah belly, baby, and maybe we can share a wish come true. Yeah. That's how it is in Valentina-land right now. Depsite the bitter aftertaste of loneliness, at least there is no emptiness in my present state of general happiness.
The last historical read I loved was Monsieur d'Eon Is a Woman: A Tale of Political Intrigue and Sexual Masquerade by Gary Kates. It was one of those stories I feel has long been neglected and needs to be a film. Forget the anime version of d'Eon, the true story is far more interesting and emotionally involving. I really grew to love d'Eon so much during the reading of this book, that I now have a print of him hanging in my bedroom. Looking at him -- be he as her or not -- is like looking back at an old friend. I think this is why I love to read history, especially if it's written well. It's the only way to "meet" and get to know personalities from the past in a way you never can with real people outside of a book. For example, you can meet someone and never really know who they are on the inside, nor know all the details of their lives from birth to death, even after you "know" them for years. Did I explain that right without sounding too weird? I think you get my point.
It's like I only know my friends during certain times of their own personal history. Unless I read them in a blog or out of a book, I have no idea what is going on inside them. And, now that I think about it, I can't really know a person from history either, except through the interpretation of a good historian who also happens to be a great storyteller.
I have a tendency to regard both historical and fictional characters like I do friends. I tend to feel a bit heartbroken at the end of their stories, so I have to choose my books carefully. Any book that is over a thousand pages long means that I will have as much time as possible with a "friend".
It's no big wonder I regard the people in my books like old friends, especially since I really do live a lonely existence. Especially lately.
This weekend was hard to be alone. Sure, I have Mr. Snuggles to distract me, but as the weather turns cooler and I start to get cravings for hot cocoa and chai, I miss sitting with actual living people and discussing things I've read and how I feel. I miss hearing about how other people are doing. I then begin to realize I have to change my lifestyle soon so that I can engage in real conversations with people. I'm getting tired talking to myself. And, as much as I love blogging, it can't really take the place of one-on-one, face-to-face conversations.
So to fill the silence, I've been painting and drawing like mad. In between books, playing with Mr. Snuggles, and creating, I watch re-runs of old television shows, too. My sleeping pattern is off again. I ended up waking up very early in the morning only to hear the telephone ring. Now, I don't know about you, but my phone rarely rings, if it weren't for ordering food or calling family, I wouldn't even need the damn thing. I ran to answer it and delightfully discover that my old friend, Rachael Strange, was on the other line. But it wasn't a pleasant call. She's going through a hard time. I wished I could've made her feel better and I hope that just talking to me worked for her. In any case, I feel honored whenever a friend calls to tell me about their problems. Sometimes it's the only way I get to hug them!
And there's something to be said about being someone another person can count on during times of distress. If someone else can't be my rock, then I will be their lucky "make me feel better" stone.
Rub me like a Buddah belly, baby, and maybe we can share a wish come true. Yeah. That's how it is in Valentina-land right now. Depsite the bitter aftertaste of loneliness, at least there is no emptiness in my present state of general happiness.
i'll be your forever
And as your scent wanes away, as your voice echoes through my soul, I no longer find comfort in your arms - I reach out into emptyness, and emptyness takes hold.
I drown.
I drown in an ocean of questions. I kick my way through doubts and memories. I struggle for air, only to realize the air is your scent, and I am confused.
I wake up, suddenly, realizing it was no more than a dream, and the ocean was an ocean of tears. My tears.
Afraid to fall asleep, I lie in my bed, staring in to darkness, and I remember how the thought of you always colored the shadows. I take a few breaths, cautiously, as I expect to find your scent as my air. I reach a false state of calm - a gray zone that I have been walking through since you've been gone.
I organize my thoughts. I line them up in my mind - my army of questions, ready for inspection. I shudder as I feel each one pierce me like a dagger. But then I realize that it is only one question in my mind, one weight pulling at my heart:
Why are you in such a hurry to forget?
It is the same question over and over, circling me as I lie in my bed. It taunts me, and tortures me with each possible answer.
I do not understand. I find no logic. Logic ran away when pain settled in. But I do not miss it; I know that logic will not feel like a moment in your arms.
And these questions only eliminate the remains of your voice and what's left of your scent. In the war inside my soul, the questions kill off the memories.
But then again, why remember?
Memories keep us bound to the past, blinding us to what happens in the present. But if the present isn't exactly what we had hoped for in the past, is it such a crime to wish to keep living something we liked?.. Is it such a crime to wish to keep something we loved? Love is so rare and precious, it's worth fighting for. Can you not see that?
And as tears once again run down my face, each one falling and whispering "why", I am startled as I hear a familiar sound.
My cellphone. As the ringtone grows louder, I am amazed to hear my heartbeat drown it out. I look at the screen, and there you are, summoned from the depths of my desires.
I answer, and your voice once again colors the shadows. You tell me you love me, and my heart believes you. You assure me that I am the one, and I can detect no lie as I see your voice in my mind.
I do not want to think. I am just grateful that my tears have stopped. As I hang up, I can breathe your scent once again, and your voice still sings to me. There is no pain. There is no logic. There's only the feeling of your arms wrapped around me as I am finally able to go to sleep. I embrace my dreams fearlessly, for I know that whenever I reach out, I will find your hands this time, if only in my dream. I am content for what's left of the night, even though I know that tomorrow, I will greet the day soaked in an ocean of doubts and memories once again.
I drown.
I drown in an ocean of questions. I kick my way through doubts and memories. I struggle for air, only to realize the air is your scent, and I am confused.
I wake up, suddenly, realizing it was no more than a dream, and the ocean was an ocean of tears. My tears.
Afraid to fall asleep, I lie in my bed, staring in to darkness, and I remember how the thought of you always colored the shadows. I take a few breaths, cautiously, as I expect to find your scent as my air. I reach a false state of calm - a gray zone that I have been walking through since you've been gone.
I organize my thoughts. I line them up in my mind - my army of questions, ready for inspection. I shudder as I feel each one pierce me like a dagger. But then I realize that it is only one question in my mind, one weight pulling at my heart:
Why are you in such a hurry to forget?
It is the same question over and over, circling me as I lie in my bed. It taunts me, and tortures me with each possible answer.
I do not understand. I find no logic. Logic ran away when pain settled in. But I do not miss it; I know that logic will not feel like a moment in your arms.
And these questions only eliminate the remains of your voice and what's left of your scent. In the war inside my soul, the questions kill off the memories.
But then again, why remember?
Memories keep us bound to the past, blinding us to what happens in the present. But if the present isn't exactly what we had hoped for in the past, is it such a crime to wish to keep living something we liked?.. Is it such a crime to wish to keep something we loved? Love is so rare and precious, it's worth fighting for. Can you not see that?
And as tears once again run down my face, each one falling and whispering "why", I am startled as I hear a familiar sound.
My cellphone. As the ringtone grows louder, I am amazed to hear my heartbeat drown it out. I look at the screen, and there you are, summoned from the depths of my desires.
I answer, and your voice once again colors the shadows. You tell me you love me, and my heart believes you. You assure me that I am the one, and I can detect no lie as I see your voice in my mind.
I do not want to think. I am just grateful that my tears have stopped. As I hang up, I can breathe your scent once again, and your voice still sings to me. There is no pain. There is no logic. There's only the feeling of your arms wrapped around me as I am finally able to go to sleep. I embrace my dreams fearlessly, for I know that whenever I reach out, I will find your hands this time, if only in my dream. I am content for what's left of the night, even though I know that tomorrow, I will greet the day soaked in an ocean of doubts and memories once again.
Gospel of Knopfler
For those of you unaware of Dire Straits, they were a very good band whose music blends virtuoso blues riffs with poetic, often socially-conscious lyrics. A number of their songs are staples on Classic Rock radio, including this one, which articulates how I feel these days...
Here I am again in this mean old town
And you're so far away from me
And where are you when the sun goes down
You're so far away from me
So far away from me
So far I just cant see
So far away from me
You're so far away from me
I'm tired of being in love and being all alone
When you're so far away from me
I'm tired of making out on the telephone
And you're so far away from me
So far away from me
So far I just cant see
So far away from me
You're so far away from me
I get so tired when I have to explain
When you're so far away from me
See you been in the sun and Ive been in the rain
And you're so far away from me
So far away from me
So far I just cant see
So far away from me
You're so far away from me
Keep on Rockin
-SAW
Here I am again in this mean old town
And you're so far away from me
And where are you when the sun goes down
You're so far away from me
So far away from me
So far I just cant see
So far away from me
You're so far away from me
I'm tired of being in love and being all alone
When you're so far away from me
I'm tired of making out on the telephone
And you're so far away from me
So far away from me
So far I just cant see
So far away from me
You're so far away from me
I get so tired when I have to explain
When you're so far away from me
See you been in the sun and Ive been in the rain
And you're so far away from me
So far away from me
So far I just cant see
So far away from me
You're so far away from me
Keep on Rockin
-SAW
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