Live Your Dreams @ MindSay

Well let me start by saying I haven't had many girlfriends. My first real relationship lasted for 8 years, of course that was on and off. It didn't end well, I could go on for hours and hours about the stuff I did wrong in that relationship. I was a horrible person to her, cheating, lying, and making her feel like an idiot to name just a few. Anyhow, so in our 8th and final year of our love/hate relationship we lived together. The last few years I had actually learned my lesson with all the cheating and shit and was faithful to her, but I still would be an asshole to her. I came to find out later on that I had bipolar disorder so it could have been one of the reasons I would scream at her and make her feel like shit. But anyway, I digress, we lived together for about a year. I told her I was going to live with her for a year, because I was going to move back in with my parents to take care of my debt. I had accrued a lot of debt while living at home, and she was paying the rent and I had very bad spending habits. So I felt bad taking her money, and I guess I didn't explain that well enough to her. I ended up leaving at the end of the year and going back home to my parents. Of course I figured we would still be together because I thought we were going to be married one day. Even though I knew in my heart we really wouldn't be. We had grown apart and it was mostly my fault. So when I tried to talk to her after that she would always be too busy and brushed me off. Of course I went superpsycho on her and wouldn't let her alone. Mostly because I didn't want to let go of my safety blanket.

    So, long story short, we broke up and I was very distraught. Then of course I met a girl a month later and latched on to her. Even though she was one of those girls that the second you meet her you know you should avoid her. Anyhow, I got a taste of my own medicine with her. She lied to me and cheated on me and belittled me. She made me feel I wasn't worth anything and I believed it. Then I started to realize that this was how I must have made my ex feel. So since then I would never dream of treating anybody that way ever again. That girl almost destroyed me and made me crazy.

     Of course now I have never been happier, but I still find myself having dreams about my ex. And in the dreams I am always pursuing her trying to apologize to her. I actually wrote a letter to her that I haven't sent to her. I am really thinking I should so I will have some closure. At least in my mind. There is no amount of apologizing I can do that will fix what I did. I just had a dream about her this weekend. I was with my girlfriend in the dream and I ran into my ex. So I was chasing her down and finally got to talk to her and her boyfriend. I finally got her alone and was telling her about the letter I had written. And she cut me off and said I am sure it goes something like this. And she told me what she had thought it said. It was really ride sounding and I couldn't get her to believe me what it really said. Then her boyfriend got in my face and was pissed off at me. I am very hazy on the details, but I know the dream didn't make me feel good. I mean I guess I have a mental block on a lot of the things I did to her in the relationship. But they always come back to me in dreams and they bring me to the verge of tears. We are going on almost four years since I have seen her now. I have talked on the phone with her and emailed a few times. But that wasn't in the last two years. Yet these dreams still linger. I am wondering if I should send this letter and maybe the dreams will stop. I only wish I could know that she has forgiven me. I do know she has moved on and is happy. I am happy as well, because I met my soulmate. Yet I still feel horrible about what I did to her. It is hard to live with myself knowing the shit I did to her. Maybe someone has some suggestions that would help. Forgive me if I have been rambling. I usually have a random thought process and I haven't written anything like this is a while.

Look Into My Eyes

There's always another tomorrow,

But there's only one today.

Look deeply in my eyes,

And listen to what they say.

Tomorrow is filled with many dreams,

I want to make come true.

But to make our dreams come true today,

I want to be with you.

Don't keep pushing me aside,

Take all I have to give.

Once you start accepting love,

We both can start to live.

Say good-bye to those foolish fears,

That are ripping at your heart.

Throw them all behind you,

Stop tearing yourself apart.

Babe, look into my eyes,

And listen to what they say.

Don't fight your dreams anymore,

I'll make them come true today.

Scientists posed a guestion about goals and dreams in a study published in the Psychology of Aging  and found that those who lived the life they wanted and who took risks had fewer regrets and were more satisfied with life than those who played life safe.

Are you living the life of your dreams,  physically, professionally, and creatively?  Are you going after your goal with a positive additude and enthusiasm? If not, why not? Why look back six months from now and wish you'd done a little something extra or different each day to reach your goal of feeling healthy. Give yourself permission to have a great day, every day, and do something healthy every chance you have. You will never be sorry!

Get Fit For Life!

www.reboundtohealth.com

I'm through with this. It was a nice ideal to have for a while but in the end it doesn't really work, like most things it seems these days. I just don't see the point, holding on to something that's really just a huge joke. Everlasting hope. Second chances. Holy fire. Rebirth. Beauty. Truth. None of these were ever real no matter how much I tried to believe otherwise. It's not reality. It could never be that good...

Or maybe it is real. Maybe it does exist. Maybe I'm just not worthy of the title. I've been told as such. It's a nightmare trying to hold yourself to a standard of being that only the best and brightest are reserved for. "The bright ones" as some might call them. Those that deserve the recognition they receive, that deserve the peace that comes with it. Those that do everything right and no one dismisses. Let those who are worthy of it have it. Leave me my shadow.

What could be worse than wanting to sign a beautiful song that no one wants to hear. Being happy with yourself is the utmost, but what does it matter if you're the only one who is. Is it self-indulgent to want a piece of the sun for yourself, or is it just natural? And what do you do when everyone around you has theirs and is unwilling to share? They go off and live their adventures and grasp their dreams while you sit at home, starring at blank walls and playing single notes of a melody that no one would want to listen to. I wanted to sing a song of glory and hope. Instead I wrote a dirge.

Dreams are born and die everyday. You can live your entire life chasing something that's not there. And still people tell you to hold on, but where are they when they run out of cute little sayings hidden in fortune cookies? With those that are less complicated, that are easier, that are worth it. And all that's left are the shattered pieces of something that could have been great if it had had the chance. The life is a song, but the dream always dies in silence. Lost and forgotten.

So why live a lie? Admit defeat. Move on. There's nothing left now. No second chances for this bird. Every flower gets a chance, but some flowers just bloom dead.