Live Laugh Love @ MindSay

whoa. i just read through my blogs and oh my goodness, i sounded so whiny!!  yuck.  anyways, it's been like almost two years since the last time i blogged on this thing. crazy!! not much has changed, i still wanna be a famous singer or lead vocalist of a band. i still haven't got to see underOATH live yet:) now i'm trying to see either them or SAOSIN live.  SAOSIN is my all-time favorite band and i would love to see them live and get to meet them. they seem like such cool guys, i wanna hang out with them so bad!! they're recording there new album and there showing it live so that is so AWESOME!!! i try to watch it whenever its on. they are so weird, i love them so much!! i still write songs alot. there getting better i think.  i dont really let anybody see them yet still.  well, i've let my mom and sister read a couple but only the ones i think are really good.  i'm just loving be alive right now and i'm just waiting for my chance to make my dreams come true!!!!

I guess I'll be here a while.  Just because I want to copy all my old entries (for sentimental reasons) and can't find the time to do it.

So I guess here's an update:  I'm the happiest I've ever been.  I read my old entries, and I realize how crazy life was.  I made it that way in a lot of cases, but it helps to be my own person too.  No more being around my mom, who is bipolar, and I feel like I'm breathing again.

I would like to brag.  I'm excelling in school, I love my jobs, I love being married (despite all those people who said it wouldn't work because I was young), I love my home, I love everything I have.  I am so blessed.

I have a family now.  I am whole.  He is the kindest person you'd ever meet.  He makes me laugh when I cry.  He is responsible and goal-oriented.  He takes charge like he should, and he lets me be myself.

I know I've written about a lot of boys here, and it's hard to really believe there's a difference.

But now I know what that difference is.

It's purity.

No one else had it, that purity, that selflessness.  It's called in my religion having the Spirit.  I know he has it, I've known him for almost two years now, and dated him almost as long.  He has the Spirit because he keeps himself clean.  He doesn't put anyone down.  He is a giving person.  He is kind, loving, thoughtful.  No one can top that and never will.

I'm sure I've loved, I always mentioned Ty or Michael Christensen or M. Stroud, or Eric Ossmen.  There may have been love there to an extent.  Sure, I'll say that.  But the difference was the Spirit, either these men didn't have it, and I didn't, or the Spirit didn't endorse it because it was the wrong time.

Anyway, in closure, those boys are off on missions, getting that Spirit, and they'll find a woman with it.  They will be happy, like I am.

I am...

I am.

I have never been so completely, incandescently happy in my life.

Everyday.

And Nick and I,

We make it so.

-Cutebutpsycho, Keira

I am soo in love with Emily that I can't imagine living my life without her, and if I tried to I would be scared at how awful it would be.  Each day I spend with her I fall more deeply in love with her, just thinking about her makes me smile, and after I am with her I remember why I am alive.  The second she leaves my arms I miss her.  I find myself asking "Is it ok to be this deeply in love with someone?  That if she ever left me I would not want to live anymore?"  We know what the other is thinking, we can feel each other tremble at the other's touch.  For once I love and I am loved back.  For once I don't feel bad about being soo attached to someone.  For once I know what I would do to protect her from harm.  I would destroy anyone would tried to hurt her.  She is my life, and I never want to have to live without her.

    I'm waiting. And I'm trying to be ok with that. I'm waiting for school to end, so I can get on with the rest of my life. I waiting for it to warm up to a standable temperature so I can ski again. I'm waiting for friends and my family. I'm waiting for you. But most of all, I'm waiting for me. Enjoying the time until June...when I spread my wings and fly. The end of it all, the end of an era. I don't know what's going to happen next year, or where I'll be or what I'll be doing. But it will be for me.
    So I'm trying to live and love and be who I am meant to be and it happens to hit me. I've found where and what I supposed without looking. My destiny in life? As of yet, to be whatever I want to be. To dream big, to reach for the sky. To grow and do great things, as so many people told me I could be. For a long time, I thought I had to change to be whatever everyone else wanted me to be. The perfect student, daughter, friend, athlete. Too many faces, too much trying to be something else! I spent the last year realizing, I don't have to be anything but me. I like the way I am, most of the time anyway. Everyone has their faults, I do need tweaking every once in a while, but I trying to be content to be me. To let it all be. Is it easy? Far from none, among the hardest things I've ever had to do. It is something that I need to think about everyday, and often forget. But that's ok.
    People are beautiful, just the way they are. It breaks my heart to see when people forget that, when we get so caught up in reaching for a perfect image, that perfect body or ideal job, just to be like everybody else. You know what? Look at some of the people that are so easyily forgotten, and  see beauty in their eyes, in their hearts and in their minds. Perfect, unblemished? I don't want to be like that. My heart isn't perfect. It has scars and ridge and may have been broken a few times too many to put it back together perfectly, but it's mine. That's where beauty and love and compassion come from. The uglyness and brokeness that is so often scorned and hidden away. To admit that we aren't perfect. That I'm not perfect. From experience, it's one of the greatest challenges that I've faced so far. Live, love and grow. Live, love and grow. Live, love and grow. Find your own beauty. That's what life is all about.

   I've been hiding, perhaps a bit. Pushing away what is important and trying to be too much. You know? My life isn't always pretty. It has the good, the bad and the ugly. Some of bad and the ugly lately. I'm trying to ok with that. I have the good to look forward to every weekend, when I walk into the lodge at the ski hill and see the hustle and bustle of skiing; When I'm skiing down the hill and seeing six smiling and laughing kids following behind me. This is what I love. I love Calabogie. The hill, the people, the club. Home. I walk home every weekend, and will do so for a long time to come. Live, love, grow. I working to find good in other areas of my life, like school and homework. It just takes a bit more work. 
Live from your heart, and don't let the streetlights blind you.

Hand and hand
Heart in Heart
I feel those heartbeats
Show me the way back to your heart
Shine your light on me
Do I need you to love me?
Is it more a question of when or how or why
Love lives here
But most of all, love lives for me
Beating, twisting, loving of loves
Shine your light on me
I follow a stripped and unbeaten path
Twisting and turn so many of ways
Shine on me
Reach out

And you’re ready to catch me   

The world is on my shoulders.

Wrap my heart around yours

Filling in the broken holes that

Time is slow to heal

The world can break you down

The good the bad and the ugly

Know that the ugly can live here

But love can bring you back up

Live, grow, love

I'll be there my friend

For you, now and always