Littledosie @ MindSay

So it all started as a joke... "lets go to the New Kids on the Block concert and make fun of our teenage selves..."

Then the lights go out... and you see N  K  O   T    B flash across the screen behind the stage.... and my heart starts beating uber fast...

then smoke

then the entire Boston Garden filled with GROWN WOMEN starts to scream...

All of a sudden they rise from the ground of the stage ever so slowly...

and it happened...

I SCREAMED LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!!!!!

I had soooooooooooo much fun!!!  I really meant it as a joke, but it was the most fun I've had at a concert ever.

:)  I am officially a dorkus... but it was super fun! :)

(This picture is of me and my BFF... no idea who the girl in the hat is... she crashed our picture!)  :)

On Monday I have to go back to work.

I can't even believe it. 

I'm soooooooooo sad about it.  Time has flown by, and I've just been sitting here soaking in every coo and smile and hug and baby kiss that I can get.  I haven't spent time blogging about it like I wanted to, I haven't gone out and shown her off to the masses... I've had a few little visits, but mainly... I just wanted to enjoy my family while I was home from work.  I enjoyed them so much that I can't bear the thought of going back.

BUT

I have to go back tomorrow.

I'm scared that I'm going to cry at work.  I'm definitely not prepared for the level of stress that I left.  I'm trying to prepare myself, but I know that I'm not ready.  I just have to set healthy limits for myself and do what I can do, and that's all.

Anyhow, I just wanted to take a minute today to post a picture of my new little princess.

I miss you Mindsay... hopefully I'll have time soon to write a decent entry... its been forever since I have.

She's here!!!

My sweet baby Grace was born on Saturday May 17th (a day after her due date) weighing 8lbs 10oz and measuring 21 inches... she's my sweetie, and we are soooo happy!

I am typing this with her sleeping on my chest, so I can't get as detailed as I'd like, but hopefully I'll be able to type more later!!!

I'm sooooo blessed!!!  Brianna is being a wonderful helper!!!!

Here I am, 36 weeks preggos! Due May 16th... so much excitement on the way!  A little tiny precious miracle growing inside of me!

Pregnant women glow... they shine with all the excitement and hope and wonderfulness that is being pregnant.

Apparently my body and my brain didn't get the memo.

The glow is GONE.

And I feel sooooo guilty for it.

I'm not miserable with being pregnant in general... I really truly feel blessed and I can't wait to meet my little princess.

BUT

I am MISERABLE.

Absolutely miserable, and nobody wants to hear about it, and I have no energy left to even fake it.  I'm usually wonderfully skilled at "faking it" you know, pretending like I'm on cloud nine when in reality I just want to gouge out my eyeballs.   Nope... I got no fake left... I got no glow left... I'm pretty much just a big fat miserable preggo and nobody wants that.

When someone asks someone who's nine months pregnant, "How are you?"

Do they really want the truth????? I mean... seriously... DO THEY WANT THE TRUTH????

NOPE

They want a nice little bundled up with a bow answer of "Wonderful... I can't wait to meet my baby"

I don't recommend asking me... because I got no filter!  I got no filter left, no fake left, and no glow left!

I'm gonna tell you about my need to poop... my constant need to pee... the fact that I hate every other person who is driving on the road because nobody else knows how to drive... that I hate driving in Massachusetts this time of year because of all the potholes and the fact that I feel like I'm going to pee my pants at any point if I hit a random cruel pothole... the fact that I now have constant irrational fears that someone is going to kidnap me and steal my baby out of my stomach... that I hate work and I'm pissed that I still have to work because my husband doesn't make enough money for me not to work and I don't get PAID maternity leave, and nobody at the office is realizing the fact that I could not be here any day and I have so much to get done and they just keep giving me more and the office is going to be screwed when I'm suddenly not here and nobody has a clue whats going on because they aren't hiring a replacement for the two months I'm out... that my mother is driving me crazy... that I can't sleep and I'm a complete insomniac.. that by the end of the day of me sitting my fat ass at my desk all day because I have no time to even get up and walk around I have feet the size of an elephant...even though I keep them up under my desk... that my nipples have decided that they are running for president apparently, because they have completely taken over my breast and I can't imagine them getting any bigger... but I know somehow they will....  that I'm an emotional basketcase and I flip out on my poor husband for no apparent reason and know that I'm wrong but its hard to have to admit it over and over and over... that I'm jealous of my single friends because they are all going out and partying and nobody wants to stay home and keep me company... that I'm totally pissed off that everybody thinks my husband needs a last hoorah and to live it up as much as possible before the baby comes and I think that's completely ridiculous and old fashioned and wtf?  because I can't go and do that... it makes me so angry.... that I get restless legs all night long and can't get comfortable and feel all weird and skin crawly and squeemish... that I feel sooo completely unattractive and sort of warthog looking and I hate being out in public because I'm certain everybody thinks that not only am I the wimpiest pregnant person, but I'm also the most horrific looking.... that being pregnant at 19 years old was sooo hard emotionally, but waaay easier physically... that I'm actually scared of giving birth again, because I'm so bad at being pregnant this time I figure it will hurt more than I remember.... that I have awful hearburn and am constantly nauseus again... that I just really really really really want to have this baby now and my due date is still 4 weeks away and I pray that I go early... etc... etc...etc.. etc...

I have officially lost my mind, and my ability to socialize.

I should not be allowed to be in public OR answer a telephone... because you really never know what is going to come out of my mouth... you just don't!

I use the little bit of energy I have to put on some sort of  face while I'm at work... but by the time I maneuver through traffic to get my fat ass home... I have nothing left. 

Paul said to me the other day, "why are you so miserable?  You have a miracle inside of you, it should be the most amazing time of your life?"

I,  of course broke into tears. :(

I know this is amazing... I know I have a miracle... I know sooo many people would die to be in this position.  I FEEL SOOOO GUILTY for being so miserable.  But I really am miserable.

I'm lucky that I'm just miserable.

I know I am lucky.   I really do, I'm just a super wimpoid.

And this felt good.

I should have come here earlier. :)