Listening @ MindSay

This is my inaugural blog and my first ever. So honestly I dont know who anyone will actually find this or have a reason to listen or comment. While I have people in my life who care, I dont know if anyone actually listens to me or understands where I am coming from. Ill give you the basics. I am a 22 year old guy living alone while not actually alone in NY. NY not by choice. I was born here and moved back a few months ago. I was living with my now exgirfriend for the past 2 years and last september we moved to Boston together. What a mistake. After fighting constantly I decided to move back home in April.

Now I find myself unhappy. Working a shitty job no where near related to my education, Another relationship that I find myself destroying from the inside out. Seriously why do I drive people away who care for no reason. Why cant I just let my guard down to someone who is so great to me? After the Boston breakup I wanted to just be by myself but things never work out the way you plan. I told myself after splitting with her that I would not be the same and I would not allow myself to feel that kind of pain again. And while all I can do is think about that with my new girlfriend I may just be ruining it.

My family life is such a wreck sometimes I dont know what to do. Is it awful to wish you had nothing to do with your parents lives? They both have just formed me into this self-doubt fool. Why cant I break away again and not return? What am I so scared of failing? Or just not needing anyone but myself?

Sometimes I just want to be heard. Wether or not anyone reads this, that is not the point. The point is that somehow you need to find a way to deal with everything life throws at you. This may be mine.

Please do check out, listen to/watch or at least read the main part of Dec. 3rd's Democracy Now show (after the headlines)!  It's very moving.  The show's called:

Listening Is an Act of Love: National Oral History Project StoryCorps Records Ordinary People Telling Their Remarkable Stories to Each Other

It's about the new book  “Listening Is an Act of Love: A Celebration of American Life from the StoryCorps Project.”
http://www.democracynow.org/2007/12/3/listening_is_an_act_of_love
Check it out! A couple of the story clips even brought a bit of extra moisture to my eyes, as i listened to them!

Hi, It's been a while since I've come to Mindsay.

I've been round the mountain and back this last while.  Kind of wearing, but I'm baaaack and if I do say so mah-self, feeling much the better. I'm in a very peaceful place readied for what's coming round the bend.

It's funny, but every summer's end I can go into a real slump in my spirit.  The first golden leaf, enough to set me off in a quietened and sober way.  But not this year. 

Autumn has come and brings with it a sense of relief and refreshing.  The winds and rains heighten my anticipatory mood, and leave me enlivened.

Even the thoughts of winter bring a calm and sense of mystery and magic.  Ever walk out into a woods after a huge snow fall?  The snow creaking beneath your boots; life cloaked in a quietening; stilled.  The snow glistens even in moonlight, and a sense of awe and fantasy fills the moment.

Well, I don't know if we'll get snow here on southern Vancouver Island this year,and in 26 years of me being here, I've not missed snow but this is a thought that has been bringing a sense of relief and refreshing even youthful exhilaration to me and I embrace it.

I can't help but feel like something wonderful is coming my way.  I'll keep you posted.


Now...tell me about you.  Any changes good or bad? I'd really love to hear.

Later....just me, Linda

Wow. So, my music teacher is awesome.

Considering that I'm a music major, you could guess that I have multiple music teachers. Actually, both of them are enjoyable people. Scott is simply great - he definitely makes the material teachable, and I love his attitude. He came into Mecc the other night and I got to see him, which was also cool. But today's awesome music teacher is definitely David.

David's my instructor for piano, but he also teaches one of the music generals. You almost have to feel bad for him, because the class is composed of people who don't really care about music, and people who do and already know most of this. I'm in neither category - I'm just a slacker because I'm too insanely busy to get homework done. But for some reason, he seems to have a soft spot for me in spite of this. I do enjoy the class, and I'm rather eager to learn the music history (again, in the same category of "I love music theory!" - Ariane takes geekdom to a new level of dorkiness).

Anyway, today was a bad start. I was just about ready to head out, and the guy comes by to fix our stove. Nobody was expecting him, because he was supposed to be here tomorrow. Dad's at work, Mom's up at the gym. Hmmm. Okay, I'll stick around 'til Mom gets home.

Predictably, I end up being late for David's class. Predictably, that test we had this week, that I couldn't remember if we had on Wednesday or Friday? Yep. Today.

I have this argument I've made for my sisters - that no matter how bad you think it's going to be, or how late you are, actually go to your class. Multiple reasons. Long argument.

I thought I might have missed the test entirely (I knew we were having lesson-time after the test), but I lucked out. David looked up when I came in (I was also thinking he might not let me take the test, because I would get done later than the others, and it wouldn't be fair to them), just gave me a copy when I dumped my stuff in the two chairs I like in the front section. I'd missed the listening section (where you listen to about six different pieces, identify each one, and answer a question or two about what it's from, when it's from, who wrote it, what kind of piece it is, whatever.)

Really happy - I was going to lose about ten or fifteen points for not having the listening, but all of my other test grades have been great, so this won't totally tank my average. Finish up the test about the same time as the others (cos I've got mad music skilz, wah), move onto a bit of discussion and lesson time. New project - I'm excited because it's over Beethoven's Fifth, but mildly annoyed because it's a group project. I do not care for group projects when it comes to papers. Building things, performances, organizing huge summer plans, definitely good for multiple people. If it's a project I should be fully capable of doing on my own, it seems like such a pain to divide it up. Oh well.

So, my mind's on this as we're trickling out of the room, David's talking with the group that has the first movement (I've got the fourth). As usual, I take forever to gather all my stuff (I still haven't figured out where the other people stash their stuff. I'm used to having my big band locker. Yep, I'm a geek), on my way to RIOT, mind's on that and the project, and David breaks into my thought processes. "Christa, if you've got time between now and...choir...could you come to my office?"

Right. Everyone at SCC calls me Christa. Scott sometimes forgets, but David never does. It makes me happy that they both remember.

By the way, that phrasing sounds a little scary. Totally isn't. It's David. He's very, very nice, and like the anti-scary in my life. When I'm feeling bad because my lesson isn't so great right now, it's not because I think he'll be mad at me, but because I feel like I'd let him down.

Decide I'll be okay being late for RIOT, and seize the opportunity. I plunk down in my usual spot on the piano bench, drop my heavy bag. He closes the door (a fact I appreciate, as Scott's office is right next door, and I'm often in trouble with him to begin with), takes his chair, and asks me what happened, and what I think we should do about the test.

I realize that it sounds like I made it up, but I tell him the real story in fairly short detail, that I honestly was planning to be there on time, and whatever he wants to do with the test I can live with, because I was indeed late. He looks at me for about two seconds, then, (I'm not sure how he came to this decision), says that if I have time right now, he'll let me do the listening section.

Sweet! I didn't say that (I'm very quiet around SCC), but indicated that that'd be okay. He dug up my test, I hauled my writing surface (theory book - hehe) out of my bag, redid it.

It's great, because normally he plays a piece all the way through for the class. Since it was just me, he said to just let him know when I knew what it was. On everything but one, it'd be "first interval" "Got it!" :) Yes, I am ridiculously proud of myself. The last one wasn't working on the cd - it scratchily played the first note, and then quit. I had a good idea then, and wanted to just ask, "That was the cellos, right? They go down a fourth from there? Got it." But, no, he had to go find the other cd. He laughed at me on about the fourth one when I announced "Got it" so quickly. Boo-yah, I am fantastic.

But my ridiculous ego aside, I am sincerely appreciative that he not only let me take the test, but that he let me redo the listening section. I'm not supposed to mention it to anyone in the class, though. Apparently he doesn't care to encourage this sort of thing. But, yeah, David gets the 'awesome' award for the day.

Last night, Reese came in in a foul mood. We talked for awhile, made each other laugh again (or at least smile), promised to meet tomorrow and talk. There's been a lot going on with him the past few days, and I haven't been able to catch up with him.

We spent about an hour talking today between class and work. Went for a bit of a walk - it's gotten up to about thirty now, which in MN translates to 'really nice out!' Admittedly, I wish everything wasn't melting, but it's still nice to be outside. When I say we talk, it seems to be mostly Reese getting his frustrations out, and I just let him run with it, and respond when it doesn't seem that it would interrupt his flow of thought. He tends to bottle things up quite a bit - I'm not sure if this is him getting them out or what, but I actually like it this way.

It's not about him dominating. There's no issue of superiority, we're on the same level. Sometimes I'm ahead, sometimes he is, but we're walking together. That's just how it is. It makes me happy, and he says he appreciates it.

He's going through some major frustrations right now with the girl he cares for. He won't talk to his family, he can't really talk to her (much of the frustration seems to have come from trying that), but for some reason he's okay with talking to me. I don't have much to contribute, because Reese's dating style is significantly different than mine, but it seems that maybe all he needs right now is someone listening.

Driving to work afterwards, a song came to mind, and stayed very firmly there, with Reese in mind. I wish I could help, but this is usually all I can ever do - listen. But it definitely came up for Reese, so...for Reese.

(He would never listen to this genre, btw. :) )



Hearts of hope seem hard to find these days
As darker deeds have their time on center stage
We watch it all unfolding, scene by scene
And a happy ending seems a faded dream

Fear and desperation have their day
At least until faith steps up to say,

"I believe, though God is out of sight,
He's working in the middle of all things.
Evil may have its time in the spotlight
But Love is waiting in the wings."
Love is always waiting in the wings

It's your life - as it plays out, don't forget it
Heartache comes, but the story's not done yet
When shadows come, your courage wants to fade
But in a moment, everything can change

I believe, though God is out of sight,
He's working in the middle of all things
Evil may have its time in the spotlight
But Love is waiting in the wings
Love is always waiting in the wings

There's always more to any story
Than just what's here and now
There's not one hopeless situation
That can't be turned around

I believe, though God is out of sight,
He's working in the middle of all things
Evil may have its time in the spotlight,
But Love is waiting in the wings
Love is always waiting in the wings

Love is always waiting in the wings

-Point of Grace


It should be noted that Reese and I have never once talked about God. I actually have no idea where he stands with him. And, no, I'm not referring to any of the people he's struggling with as 'evil'. I don't entirely know why this was for Reese, I just know that it was.