Life Without Love @ MindSay

Yet it has happened again. I was not looking for love. It just showed up one day clear out of the blue. I grew very fond of it. I got used to it being in my life. Guess what? It decided to walk out the door. Am I suprised? I am not at all suprised. Hurt maybe, but not suprised it left. I am used to that happening in my life. I am begining to realize that love comes and goes. It doesn't stick around. I think it is because in the society today we get confused about what love really is. To me love never stays in my life. I was an adult before I truely experienced what love was. Was it true love? Probably not, because they say that true love sticks around. Love NEVER sticks it out with me. Am I unloveable? No, I am very loveable. I just unfortunately haven't found the person who thinks that I am. lol Do they exsist? Only God knows this for sure. I have made many mistakes in my time. One of which was very recent. If you are reading this, I TRUELY am sorry for what I did to you. I can only hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I am putting all of my hurt, pain, and sorrow into God's hands now. It is up to him when you can forgive me. And, I pray that in the meantime, you know that I will always carry "us" in my scrapbook of life.

I am hopeful that I will find true love one day. It may even be with someone with whom I have already met or been with. They say that people change. So, I guess I will have to wait and see. Until my lady comes into my life, I am going to love me with every breath within my body. Because, I know that I am a priceless individual. Not to come across as being "goody goody", because it has taken me 27years to get to the point of loving myself. Many of the "mistakes" I have made has shown me that I am worth the battle. Now, I need my knightress in shining armour to come to my rescue. Are you my hero?

I've been in love all my life, never playing a fool with my heart. But everyone who has entered my life, would soon leave after we've met. Even though I've been devoting myself, in the end it's still heart-breaking every time. So hurt that I'm getting used to it, but still I don't like being alone. As if the heaven above is just playing around with me. Have me encountered all but pain and sorrow. To that extent of not even knowing how real love looks like.And I still haven't met anyone who's loved me sincerely. Will there be anyone appearing to change my life? And who is that someone? Who would love me sincerely, and not forsaking me later? I would like to know. Will there be a heart that I'll come to meet? I would like to know whom you would be. The one who would really end up as my ultimate love. I would like to meet someone who's understanding. She doesn't have to be perfect or so good. There might be fights or arguments, but she won't be leaving me after that. I would like to meet a heart so compatible, that we may stay together forever. Not just someone who would simply approach me, crying out all her grievances into my heart. I don't know when I'll meet that someone, I can only keep on waiting and asking(praying) for the answer from no one but the heaven above.

Kitty

Sometimes we think we are doing the right thing, because that is what the heart asks us to do, that is what we should follow, but hey, what if the heart is always wrong and we should follow our brain? Well, I guess that is just normal to have this thought when your soul is being ripped off you. When you have completely lost it. When all it matters is to get back the feeling, even for a second, just hold on to it, hold it strong in your arms, smell the hair, smell the skin. Feel the heart beating strong near your heart; feel that you are melting into one once again. Just hold the moment......



But what happens after? Is it worth to give it all again to hold on to that moment? Is time really going to stop and keep you there for ever? How long can it satisfy us for? Wouldn't we be asking for another moment soon after we feel that moment too far?



We all have had one of these weak moments. When you see the person you love departing from your side, and you just want to hang on a bit longer. To let the words flow through your mouth, its so easy to just say "Stay a bit longer" and not to think of the consequences.

What if you know that you will never see them again, and those words are all you have left to keep them near you a bit longer?



And when they stay that bit longer, you don't know what to do at first, scared looks at each other and saying all there is to say with the eyes. And you begin thinking "This is not right" but your hand is touching their hand already, and the heads are moving closer together until you find each others arms. It has been so long since you have felt it, that all you want to do is smell their skin and not ever move anymore, just to stay there with the time stopped, and nothing else matters, only that moment. To lock it in your heart forever. To keep the memory of their face in your head and their hands rubbing your arms, the bodies so close together, matching, complementing each other, sometime in the past they were a broken puzzle that was separated and now it is united again, with no missing pieces. Together again in one piece. Because you know, that you are right for each other, all the omens say you are, the first kiss said you were, the first hug confirmed your fears, the first night, the time stopping in every smile u glanced at each other, in each laugh that sliped trough your lips, in the softness of your skin after their touch, in the taste of your mouth after their kiss.



And then, in the same blow it is all taken away from you. The tears cloud your eyes, they are so close but yet so far away at the same time, you can't touch them, you can't smell their skin anymore, you can't tell them for the last time to "Stay a bit longer" because it hurts too bad, because you finally accepted that despite all the omens they are not yours and they will never be. Because the fears of the real life is taken away from your dreams, and in the normal day they can't be yours because they are already someone else's and the responsibilities of the real life are calling them back, and you don't have a place in that world. Because you keep slumbered in your dream world to not suffer, because you are tired of suffering, of being hurt, of feeling your heart breaking into a thousand pieces everytime you try to step out of it.



And they are gone to that life, to the fake smiles, the responsibilities of a daily life, the bed that is full but empty at the same time. You are alone, someone else will come by again, telling you how amazing you are and how much they would love to take you out for a drink sometime, and you will go for that drink, you will tell them your story, why you don't want to get involved with anyone, you loved too much to love again. Do you want to know what you will hear?

The situation will be something like this, they will be looking at you straight in the eye all the time while you speak about your painful experience, then they will hold your hand softly, will talk to you very close on your ear and will tell you,

" Baby, just let me show you, if you give me the time I am gonna prove to you that I am not like the others, I ain't gonna tell you with words, but I'm gonna show you with actions"

Probably, certainly you will melt with the words.. To ,unfortunately, sooner or later find out that either they were feeling sorry for you or either just full of shit.



There is an old tale that the elderly people in my town used to tell me when I was younger "For each and everyone one of us, there is a perfect half, because God created us in couples so we can share the rest of our lives with our perfect match in love and harmony, many times you will think that you have found it but there is only one that really perfectly matches you, then you will know with no words being said, only with one sight you will know when you find them. But now, sometimes these couples don't find each other on their ways because when God made the distribution divided the couples in two groups, they got mixed between them and many of the halves were sent far from their other halves. So when you find your half and you know that is your one the only ONE, grab firmly and hold on tighly to them and don't let them go even if your lives are different and complicated, even if your cultures are from distant points of the earth, even if your skin is dark and their skin is clear....no matter what differences you have....hold on and never let go.

Well, once again, that someone was taken from me. We didn't have enough time to love, I was showed my half, I was let taste it and enjoy it for an ephemeral moment and then it was taken away from me. Or maybe God was testing the waters to see how far we would go for love and to put us into a hard test, that it was too hard for us to pass.. Who knows, Life on its own is a test, it is a miracle.....just like a newborn child.

Such small action can create so much between a mother, father and their baby. You can't destroy that, you can't cheat life, nature is smarter and more pure than us, it is bigger than anything we may have ever seen before. You can lie to yourself forcing the smiles in your fake life, so atleast learn one thing, there is only one life and I am going to live it with.. or without them. I am going to do my best to enjoy it and to give back, I gave them love and they received appreciation for my love. I want pure, crazy, passionate love each and every single day for the rest of my life with the same smile, the same smell, the same touch; I want to have those eyes looking into my eyes every morning and to be learning something new every day, to feel the electricity of the connected bodies even when I am far away; I want to know that they are proud of having me as their life partner, that their mouth is bigger when they speak about me, and mine is also much larger when I speak about them. Who knows....maybe that someone is right around the corner....maybe that person is waiting...dreaming of me as I am dreaming for them...maybe that person was her?