Life Situation @ MindSay

It's not what's intended.
These words just come out,
With no gripe to bear...

hhhhhmmmmm, I am at a point in my life where I have to wonder, "Where do I go from here?"

I wonder and I wonder and yet I can never come up with an answer that satisfies my soul. I know that even if I asked the opinion of others their answers will be of no use to me for it is what is within my brain that matters...

I could go back to manual labour type jobs though I despise going to work in a one-dimensional field though these jobs are the only ones that seem to be in need of my services. I could hold out a bit longer and see if anyone out there wishes to use my mental capacities in some form though financially I do not think that this is possible. I could try to create a business of my own doing something that I wish to do, but there again is the money situation and the fact that I may not be able to go much longer without some sort of positive cash flow. Alas, the difficulties of living in this age...

So the answer to my question will more than likely be forced upon me rather than a decision that I have made with myself. I suppose that this is life and I should accept this fact and be done with it and live my life in quiet resignation for there may be no other alternative than to do thusly...

So I shall close this with the only thing that I can think of that is appropriate at this point in my life - oh well...

This is the Word of the AntiCrust...

Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...

~ I wrote this in a response to a fellow blogger who I felt their situation a bit mirrored a situation I was in a year or so ago. There is a lot more details and some things too painful for me to write out, but this is just a glimpse into a part of my life, that I am still getting over. I wasn't sure I wanted share this because it is still fresh and painful, but I decided to because I do not want anyone to go through what I did. And if my situation can help someone to wake up and realize what is truly going on and get out -OR- help someone to make wise  choices, then I will expose this part of my life again and again. If anyone else has or is in a situation like this please read this blog entry and be wise in your thinking and get out if you need to.  No one should have to go through what I did. ~


I didn't meet my ex-fiance on line, we met at church and had been dating for about two years on and off. About less than a year into our dating relationship I moved from Florida to Michigan to go to school. We maintained our relationship, with plenty of visits, mostly on his part because I was in school. Shortly after one of those many visits I found out I was pregnant with my daughter and so we both decided it would be best for me to move back to Florida and start our life as parents and soon-to-be newlyweds. I never received a proper engagement or ring, but at the time it didn't matter to me because from the beginning we had always talked about marriage. So October of 2006 I left school, my job, my apartment, my family ( who was not at all pleased with my decision but let me go since I was hell bent on doing what I thought at the time was right)-everything and moved back to Florida. Prior to our leaving he told me he had been working on getting us a place of our own so that I and the baby would be comfortable. When I got to Florida, he hadn't gotten the place, so we lived in and out of hotels from October to December. The first month I dealt with it because I knew that at first things can be rough, but they can change. And we were both working at the time, so I put my hope in that. The hotels we stayed in were one star, cheap hotels because we were trying to stretch the money we had. I remember one hotel we stayed in, I could hear drunk men arguing and  carrying on transactions with prostitute women a couple doors down from our room. My ex worked overnight so many nights I slept alone. That night I slept with one of the hotel knives under my pillow and pushed two chairs up against my door just in case. Hugging my pregnant belly tight as if somehow I could shield my daughter from the danger. It was horrible. In November I got some work through one of his cousins and he left his overnight job and got a job at a dealership. A month later right before Christmas, I lost my job due to my pregnancy and he got fired from his job. So by the time the new year rolled around (2007) we were not only homeless we were broke and I was seven months pregnant.  By the grace of  God, we were able to stay with his family, but that required every weekend moving from one house to the other because we would never know if we were welcome to stay or not. That part was rough for me, I begin to resent him and myself and our situation and I was worried about our future and my daughter's future. Some days I would wake up wondering whether I would eat or not because he didn't want us to eat his family's food unless they offered it to us. And sometimes they would and sometimes they wouldn't. So sometimes I would have to sneak food or save bits of the food that we would get so that I could ensure I would eat the next day. It was degrading and humiliating.  He stopped looking for work and no matter how hard I begged and pleaded he refused to go find a job. He would tell me that God would helps us win the lottery -OR- that the only job he would take certain jobs. And after being turned down by those jobs because he didn't have the necessary qualifications, he just gave up. I began to know the real man, not the man who two three years ago whispered sweet nothings in my ears and lavished me with presents. The real man was selfish, stubborn, and prideful. I admit I resented him and at times let my pregnancy emotions overtake me, but honestly I tried to be there for him, but he didn't care. The verbal abuse was horrendous and many nights I wanted to end my life, but I didn't because I felt in my heart my daughter didn't deserve to die, what did she do to have her life ended like that? He was a devout Catholic and would insist that we go to church every Sunday. I would hate to go because I knew that I was living in sin and didn't belong there and for practical reasons, we didn't need to be using the last bit of gas we had on church, we needed it so he could go look for a job. I enrolled us in marriage counseling at the church when we went, which I had to drag him to and one day after being ridiculed in front of the whole class by him. I decided that enough was enough. This man didn't love me, he loved the sex I gave him, the attention I gave him, but he didn't love me. And from that day I began to formulate how I would get out. And I did. February 22nd, 2007 I boarded a plane 8 months pregnant with no money ( because the money that my parents sent me I had to give to him for gas so that we could make it to the airport), sandals on my feet( which I wore through most of my pregnancy because we couldn't afford any shoes), and clothes that were way too small for me ( again we couldn't afford proper maternity clothes for me) and I flew back to Michigan, without him. He wouldn't come with us. My parents even offered help to him, but his pride and stubborness was too great. I now have a healthy, beautiful 10 month old daughter, who her father has never come to see her and doesn't support her beyond a few toys and clothes here and there. I'm not sure if he ever will and quite frankly I would rather he not. I do not want her to EVER have to go through what I went through. Neither her, nor you, nor anyone else! I don't know your situation and who knows maybe it will turn out better than mine. And I'm not judging you, because as you read above, who am I to judge. But I'm just warning, PLEASE BE CAREFUL! No man is worth your life and your future! Make sure he really is legit!. I would hate for you to end up heartbroken! When will you wake up?

I keep trying to find the energy to blog. Blogging used to be a way for me to vent my anger and frustration to get it out in the open. Now I barely do it. I mean it can't be because I am completely happy. Life has never been very happy for me. Even though I am recently married and bought a place to live in the past year. Things have changed a lot for me. I used to never leave the house, however, I still hardly leave. There are new things I learn everyday to deal with being a non-medicated bi-polar disorder having person in a medicated world. It is still difficult to me to acceot the fact that medication just might help my situation. There was a period in my life that I was on a few different anti-depressants, but that was before I found out I was bipolar. So those medications did nothing for me. I am just torn on what to do, do I keep up my struggle day to day to be happy? Or do I medicated myself and see if that works. I am afraid of medication, one because of the sexual side effects a lot of them have. Plus I don't want to waste a year of my life trying to find out the right mix for me. If anybody has any insight on what I should do, I would appreciate it. Although I fear I blog so little that not many wil read this. :)

I received an email Wednesday last week to write an article (400-500 words) for the Globe & Mail. Of course, this is related to something they're planning to do and they're looking for contributors. Prior to committing, they are evaluating potential contributors for the career articles called The Two-Minute Drill - or something like that, these things can change.

 

Well, of I wasn't able to write a damn thing from Wednesday till nearly when the weekend was over except the feverish inspiration that you saw on my blog. The rest of the time I was shivering, coughing, sneezing, sniffling, blowing my nose, coughing up phlegm - I know you like that picture :) - and doing a lot of sleeping. The assignment, however, was due Monday January, 15th. I emailed him at some point before the weekened to let him know my predicament and they agreed to give me till later in the week. I just fired it off this morning.

 

For your viewing pleasure and review, here is the subject topic and my response:

 

A co-worker who has been a critic of your work in the past is promoted to become your supervisor. What's your best career strategy?

 

Such questions depend a great deal upon circumstance, size of organization, and the intent behind the critic. In each case, you are the best judge to determine whether the critic’s comments have merit, intended to build-up versus tear-down. So first and foremost, know precisely what it is that you feel about this situation and don’t over-analyze. Your gut instincts are your best friend, pay attention to your feelings, and then act accordingly.

 

Where your organization provides the opportunity for lateral moves, or where other advancement opportunities exist, this may be your best strategy. This largely depends upon your fit within that business culture. Too often, however, people become saddled with the long-term prospect of benefits, pension plans, vacation, and job-security rather than making the best choice for their career and personal growth. Recognize if your time in this place has come to an end and be courageous. Dust of your resume, update your skills, and confirm your references. Begin speaking with people in your network and let them know that you are looking for new opportunities to challenge yourself and grow. In the meantime, you are staying put and will be challenged to grow personally.

 

This brings us back to working underneath someone that challenges you. Whether staying for the long-haul, or staying until something better materializes, you will need to make the best of the situation. Better yet, rise to the challenge and grow as an individual, as a team-player, and as a developing leader yourself. The initial perspective tends to take a critic’s comments personally and you risk carrying around resentment. This will only hurt you, in the moment and in the long-run. That emotional and mental energy will sabotage your relationship, the presence you bring into a room, and your own work-ethic and joy. Others will also sense this, undermining your professional image with others in the company as well.

 

In order to overcome this potential hazard, begin to see behind the criticism to recognize the person who has their own unique perspective. They may just care a great deal about impressing those above, wishing to do the best job possible, and possibly carries it to the extreme. A twist with a surprise could simply be a critic who is actually trying to impress you because of how brilliant they think you are and they want your approval! Whatever the source, you have the ability to rise above the situation and seek out ways to further empower the leadership in any life or career situation that will transform, not only the relationship, but also the person. Communication is the key, combined with powerful questions, powerful choices, and an attitude of empowering another towards success: Success breeds success.

 

I had a great reflection today that brought gladness to my heart for the experiences I've had. The reflection was evoked by a conversation with a dear friend who happens to be in one of those difficult transition periods that life throws at us occassionally. Dealing with difficulty often isn't our biggest challenge, it's the wait and the inability to control the outcome and timing. For whatever reason, we're in the midst of sudden upheaval that will challenge and requires attention. Knowing myself, I suspect most of us would like it solved NOW.

 

Transitions and these upheavals come in many different shapes and sizes. There is no magic formula beyond showing up and being with the situation and sticking to the process as it also shows up. Each situation will come with its' own best practices to create change and forward movement, and yet ultimately each situation will require us to listen to our heart for guidance. Even as the various pathways reveal themselves, and a path chosen, we can see that this will take some time and quite probably courage. I know there have been times on my journey I have faltered and felt faint. If only I could get there NOW, and then someone would acknowledge and remind me of the process. "I know, I know." I'd say, "still...."

 

Still.... always that word - and I know. You who are privy to my journey have watched me with my ups and downs for how long now? And slowly but surely, sticking with it, falling on my face, getting up again, and I'm getting there. I've grown in many ways, and yes, some areas of my life have remained neglected. I see why the building of a house is often used as an analogy for our own lives too. First, a new foundation - we're rebuilding here - and then level by level, living this life to perfection through each experience towards wholeness.

 

So still:

• you have so many amazing years in front of you.
• you have so many discoveries yet to be enjoyed.
• you have so many beautiful people to meet.

And still:

• you will cry.
• you will long for something better.
• you will learn from some hurtful people.

Each will shine the diamond within. So yes, still: Be still.

 

PS - Separating my shoulder could have been the worst thing that happened to me had I chosen that path. Instead, I saw so many glorious opportunities given, and an unusual experience of injury and healing that has given me more intimacy with the physical body. This perspective has enriched my daily experiences and relationships that yield more wonderful opportunities, and created joy and gratitude for my life.