Life Made Easy @ MindSay

HUGE RANT WARNING

I know this is a rant, but if I don't disclose it all here, I'm going to explode.

The week has made me want to take a dose of shotgun mouthwash. Worst of all, it's not even over. I was scheduled to work Thursday thru Sunday until I got a call at 9 PM on Tuesday by a manager, being asked to close for a sick co-worker. I needed the tips so I went in. I wasn't told literally none of the closing duties had been done. Needless to say, I was there until 3 AM. I stayed up literally all night on Wednesday night to help my Fiance study for a test she needed to pass, in order to pass the semester. I got about 2 hours of sleep today, Thursday, before going in to for my closing shift at work, getting out at 3:30 AM because it was extremely busy due to homecoming week. I have classes tomorrow that I have to attend if I want any chance at succeeding this semester. I also have to work the 8 hour closing shift tomorrow through Sunday. I get paid tomorrow but it has to go straight to pay rent and bills.

That's not even the half of it, though. My Fiance's sister, who is up to her eyeballs in debt for a car she couldn't afford, and her boyfriend are staying the night at our apartment tonight because they didn't pay their electric bill. Speaking of electric bill, let me interject here, I pay the one for our apartment, and yet I get yelled at when I tell people they need to turn off the lights, computer, TV, etc. when they're not using them, and furthermore, the repairman from our realty company came today, without warning, and winterized everyone's A/C and pilot-lit their gas heaters in our entire complex. It was 80 degrees outside today. I was about to burn down the Realty Office, to say the least, if I didn't have to go to work. It made me decide not to renew the lease when December comes. I will be looking for a small house to rent.

Anyway, I was told they would not be staying another night, but not because my Fiance told them they couldn't, it's because my Fiance's younger brother is coming down to visit for the homecoming game and "we" promised him a place to stay.

I'm pissed off at this for a few reasons. I was never formally asked about any of this. It was always "(Fiance's sister's name and boyfriend) are staying here tonight" and "It's okay if (Fiance's little brother) stays here for the game, right? I don't want him to stay with (Fiance's sister and BF) because they might smoke pot with him there."

Interjecting again, this ties into something else I realized. All my "friends" here are actually just friends by association of my Fiance. I really don't have any friends in this city. But it pisses me off that the largest social gatherings here happen while I'm working, and I'm tired of being lied to that "they're you're friends, too." They never voluntarily initiate conversation, electronically or physically. A recent weekend when my Fiance went out of town, I spent the entire weekend working, sleeping, and cleaning. Not a single "friend" of mine ever contacted me or showed up at the door the entire weekend.

Back on subject, my answer should have been: No, they're not staying here. They still fucking owe us money. I don't give a shit. AND Who cares? I like to smoke pot. Maybe he does as well.

A small note, here. I do smoke marijuana occasionally. I am very sensitive to it, unlike my Fiance, who doesn't get a high from it at all. Even with shwag, it only takes me a few hits to feel good. My Fiance and I got into a related argument over it this weekend. She's fine with me smoking, but doesn't want it anywhere inside our apartment. I can understand this, but I believe I should be allowed to keep a very small amount for personal use. I'm not going to lie. I feel much less depressed and more energetic for days on end after I take a few hits of something. I'm just going to have to concede that she doesn't understand it as I do and get over it.

To sum it all up, here, I'm just feeling used, rushed, fractured, and I'm literally sick (flu) on top of it all right now, and I hope it'll get better.

Poison free, now living life so pure.
Tell me, have all your addictions been cured?
When you mark your fist, what's going through your mind?
Is this your new fix?
Ensnared again, confined.

Transference of one addiction to another, you haven't solved a thing.
All you've done is change the game you've been playing.
Different equipment, the rules are the same - the goal remains unscathed.
Just looking for acceptance and the power that it brings.

Push your self to higher heights - rise above the herd.
Straightedge isn't the answer if the decision isn't yours.
Push your self higher.
Think about the life you live.
Have your standards been met?
Or have you rooted yourself - cemented in and set.

Projection of your addiction to another; the mind is a powerful tool.
Consume a symbol you've now become addicted to.
Just one of the pack with a pat on the back, marked fist finger in the air.
Tell me would you, tell me could you, if your friends were not there.

This is my choice; I made it, I live by it.
My life is my own.
This is my choice; I made it, I live by it.
Are you in control?

I'm back. My absence was restful and needed. Thank you to everyone who inquired after me and sent along good wishes. Also, thanks for understanding. I feel great.

 

Remember way back when I said 2007 is going to be a very good year? It has been and continues to be. Throughout this year there have been so many great and good things. Even the sad and terrible or less than ideal things help to make this year better, through lessons learned I suppose.

 

In no particular order:

• In January/February, I learned a heavy lesson about work-friends and the work itself. Stuff that happened then showed me that I needed to erect limits. I'm getting better at it progressively. It feels good.
• There have been major accomplishments regarding my health. Though I haven't been sick I have been very unhealthy. I smoked for seven full years. I quit smoking just before Christmas and it was amazing. Cravings? Not as bad as I thought they'd be.
• In July I decided to lose weight. I've put on a lot over the last seven years and I want to be lean and mean come August, 2008. Why that date? No reason. It's only a reasonable date at which to aim for the amount of weight I want to lose.

Until now, I've been very careful not to talk about my size and weight. Some of it is ego. I wanted you to think of me as you will; a default image, occasionally being altered by our own (p)reconceived ideas of the narrator that I imagine most of us create when we read. Being just a voice allows me that small mercy. Additionally, and perhaps more cerebrally, I don't want assumptions being made about me based on weight or other physical characteristic. What business is it of anyone's to know what I weigh? I sabotage myself all on my own, thank you very much, without worrying what people think when they see the sags under my eyes, my thin and transparent eyebrows, dark roots, pimply, puffy face...

 

That being said, I'm losing weight, getting healthier, watching what I'm eating (counting calories/fat/protein/carbs) and being more active. I've lost 36 pounds and am still counting.

• Also this year, Chilly and I had the chance to have my sister, Paths4Byzantium, live with us. It was wonderful. She's rather mysterious when she wants to be, so I don't know exactly why she left us, except for what she said about not wanting to be a burden. I hope she knows we love her. Eventually, she moved out to Rhode Island. I miss her but also know this was her choice and I respect that immensely. The time we got spent together helps remove some of that emptiness that was created when I moved out of the house.
• At the end of June and beginning of July, Chilly and I went on a road trip. We travelled from Wisconsin, through Iowa to Nebraska for Voruzzz's wedding (it was awesome!). From Omaha, NE through Missouri and Illinois, we stayed with Chilly's dad and step-mom's for a couple of nights (in Kentucky). Traveled the length of Kentucky and Tennessee to get to my brother's wedding (also, awesome!) and had the opportunity to meet a fellow MindSayer, FairyDustings.
• Our brother, Fwiffo, was sent to Iraq via the Marines. This isn't great news but I also feel it is significant. He is thought of often and many people love him. I want him to be well and safe. He is a smart and amazing. He needs to come back safe so I can hang out with him.
• My photographs have been published in a small handful of publications. Some even netting me moola.
• I'm trying to reestablish a closer bond with my sister, Foreverknight and Mom (SailAway). Something I've felt I've lost.

There's more, some things are too early to mention, but overall I'm feeling great and am ready to blog again. I'll keep you posted.